Author burning heart Posted December 17, 2013 Author Share Posted December 17, 2013 I'm not filing because I still have hope. That's her decision and I'm not paying for that either. I'm not replying. I guarantee she will try again or call in a day or two. She expects me to answer and be there for her. I always have been. If it was a separation and us working on ourselves and our marriage, that's one thing. But since OM is involved I can't do it. It's messed up because it doesn't have to be this way. She knows that. Also it shows that she does depend on me and expects things, to help, be there. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 I'm not filing because I still have hope. That's her decision and I'm not paying for that either. I'm not replying. I guarantee she will try again or call in a day or two. She expects me to answer and be there for her. I always have been. If it was a separation and us working on ourselves and our marriage, that's one thing. But since OM is involved I can't do it. It's messed up because it doesn't have to be this way. She knows that. Also it shows that she does depend on me and expects things, to help, be there. Let's rephrase it, ok? She's not interested anymore. She's not working on the marriage however, she is willing use you and dump problems on you if you allow her to. It IS this way. That you know. There's every good reason to take charge if YOUR life and file for divorce! Leaving all the power to her just makes her think you're a willing doormat for her. She's involved with him. You may as well get the inevitable over with and begin to move forward by building your NEW life. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMcClaine Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 I'm not filing because I still have hope. Have some dignity and file for divorce. She's gone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 17, 2013 Author Share Posted December 17, 2013 Yeah...I need to let go. She's not interested. She's done. I'm only hurting myself more. I thought with reality hitting her more, being broke, and not having her mess together, it being EA, she didn't think too much when she left....eh well..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 17, 2013 Author Share Posted December 17, 2013 I'm working, taking care of our animals, getting out a bit, slowly cleaning the house, maintaining me-eating, showering, sleeping, etc, reading DB, DR, 5 Love Languages, online self help and this forum, talking with a good friend about this, making decisions and trying to have a good future plan for myself, drawing (a favorite hobby that I haven't had too much time for), looking at what went wrong on my part in the marriage-communication, controlling behavior, bad overall attitude, not affectionate enough, open and honest talk and expressing emotion, etc and what ways I can improve that, looking for a good therapist... I'm still getting over the flu so I have a fever, meds, sleep, blah blah. I'll have to reread things and get them to set in my brain. I worry about her. I still care and want to help but I just can't. For myself, my own good but for her too. She has to face consequences of her decisions and life without me, so on. It's tough but it's the way it is. I'm accepting this and that our marriage is over. I have panic attacks here and there. But I'm dealing with them ok. I still hangout with mutual friends. It's odd at times because I feel like they're analyzing my actions to report back to her. That's ok. I act normal-no moping or being sad, no talking about my situation, joking around, laughing, being myself. I'm drinking less because I think it caused me to be on a bad mood majority of the time and closed off. I stopped by a friend's house yesterday evening, these are mutual friends-a married couple, and hungout a while. Just having fun and helping move furniture. When I told them I had to leave, get up early, things to do. They kinda freaked and both looked at me asking what I had to do, was I going anywhere...I didn't give any info other than I had things to take care of. Right before I left they were asking the same type of questions. Funny. I know my W and her still talk but idk what about. It's ok. I was in good spirits and was having fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 The OM is moving to her city next week. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 The OM is moving to her city next week. Good, he can pay her way. Good reason for you to get that D filed too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 I'm not sending her any paperwork she needs, money, nothing. I am done. I will not file because it's not my choice. OM involved or not. It's her decision and she will have to do it and all the work involved. Meaning: getting her birth certificate, license, filing, finding a job, supporting herself ( I'm sure she'll still get help from her parents-she's living there), face her own faults and consequences of her decisions. I will not be available, answer calls or texts, help in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 You need to file. Otherwise she'll begin to rack up debt in both your names while having a great time with her OM. Sitting there and not filing because "you don't want it" is pointless now. You're only opening yourself to a lot of risk. Don't file because you "want to". Do it because you "have to". Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMcClaine Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I will not file because it's not my choice. OM involved or not. It's her decision and she will have to do it and all the work involved. Your wife is banging another man and you aren't going to file for divorce? *facepalm* 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 Ok. Also need to change auto insurance info, have her taken off dental and health insurance..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 Idk how things work. Can't afford attorney, etc.... Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Idk how things work. Can't afford attorney, etc.... Not an excuse. Learn how things work. Get an attorney. You can't afford not to have one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Idk how things work. Can't afford attorney, etc.... There is a ton of info online. I am able to find all the forms to file a divorce where I live. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 19, 2013 Author Share Posted December 19, 2013 I believe the last call from her was a closure deal for her. And all about her. I text this today. For me..... You know how I feel. We both know you've tried telling me what I needed to do and I didn't hear, for awhile. Yes, now I'm ready to hear and I'm doing what I need to be doing. This has become more complicated than it should've ever been. Our old relationship is done, past is gone. It would be better than before. You have no idea all I've realized and the improvements that are happening. People can change and I will. No, you don't want that now. I will continue to do what I need to bc I've learned what was missing, what was wrong, and I will be better for it. You don't want to be a part of it. I won't be staying much longer. I will still become a better me. I have no choice but to improve. Do what you think you need to. I will do mine. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 I believe the last call from her was a closure deal for her. And all about her. I text this today. For me..... You know how I feel. We both know you've tried telling me what I needed to do and I didn't hear, for awhile. Yes, now I'm ready to hear and I'm doing what I need to be doing. This has become more complicated than it should've ever been. Our old relationship is done, past is gone. It would be better than before. You have no idea all I've realized and the improvements that are happening. People can change and I will. No, you don't want that now. I will continue to do what I need to bc I've learned what was missing, what was wrong, and I will be better for it. You don't want to be a part of it. I won't be staying much longer. I will still become a better me. I have no choice but to improve. Do what you think you need to. I will do mine. And what did this accomplish for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMcClaine Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 I believe the last call from her was a closure deal for her. And all about her. I text this today. For me..... You know how I feel. We both know you've tried telling me what I needed to do and I didn't hear, for awhile. Yes, now I'm ready to hear and I'm doing what I need to be doing. This has become more complicated than it should've ever been. Our old relationship is done, past is gone. It would be better than before. You have no idea all I've realized and the improvements that are happening. People can change and I will. No, you don't want that now. I will continue to do what I need to bc I've learned what was missing, what was wrong, and I will be better for it. You don't want to be a part of it. I won't be staying much longer. I will still become a better me. I have no choice but to improve. Do what you think you need to. I will do mine. Instead of taking the time to write this message that lets her know you are still in her back pocket, you should've been filing for divorce. She probably read this text and thought to herself "I can have this sucker back whenever I want him, now I'm going to go screw my new guy". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TiredFamilyGuy Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 Instead of taking the time to write this message that lets her know you are still in her back pocket, you should've been filing for divorce. She probably read this text and thought to herself "I can have this sucker back whenever I want him, now I'm going to go screw my new guy". He nailed it. File. Also, not being plan B would actually increase chances of her return. I say that to get you to do it. What I think is best for you however is to write her off and move on. Do it and do it now. Good luck and stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 19, 2013 Author Share Posted December 19, 2013 At the time it made me feel better. To me it was a letting go message. Yeah I guess the door is open, not really moving on kinda feel to it too. She hasn't replied and I didn't expect her to. I'm going to start sorting, boxing, and moving her stuff out today. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 At the time it made me feel better. To me it was a letting go message. Yeah I guess the door is open, not really moving on kinda feel to it too. She hasn't replied and I didn't expect her to. I'm going to start sorting, boxing, and moving her stuff out today. I feel for you man. Not b/c your wife is leaving, rather, b/c you're still clinging on to what is lost, it would appear. Move on for your sake. Learn from this and don't let your part in a relationship become stagnant, unresponsive and dismissive until it's too late. Move on and continue transforming yourself for the better. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 20, 2013 Author Share Posted December 20, 2013 I feel lost and out of control. MIL sent a message saying that W will still file as soon as she can. She will not talk to anyone about anything. She is afraid if being hurt and sad. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMcClaine Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 I feel lost and out of control. No one ever said it would be easy. But what you have to accept is that it's over, and you need to file for divorce. It's going to be hard for a while, but it won't start to get any easier until you do this. In this situation, you have to do your best to ignore your emotions and listen to your logic. The longer you sit idly by and do nothing, the worse it's going to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 20, 2013 Author Share Posted December 20, 2013 I'm having a hard time letting go and accepting it's over. I can't seem to let go of hope. Real hope or hope I want or think is still there. I really don't think that this is all there is for us. Forever. Period. Right now it is. And I need to accept that. I'm going to look up divorce forms and laws tomorrow. And what I need to do. I found an attorney that I can get a better idea from too. So I have to get things setup and rolling. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMcClaine Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 I'm having a hard time letting go and accepting it's over. I can't seem to let go of hope. Real hope or hope I want or think is still there. I really don't think that this is all there is for us. Forever. Period. Right now it is. And I need to accept that. I'm going to look up divorce forms and laws tomorrow. And what I need to do. I found an attorney that I can get a better idea from too. So I have to get things setup and rolling. Then it's apparent that it needs to be reiterated to you that your wife is having sex with another man. Read that again. Read that a hundred more times. For that reason alone, trying to have hope is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. Why would you not think that this is all there is for you all? She's literally destroyed what there is for you all. What you need to have is dignity, and that means divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 20, 2013 Author Share Posted December 20, 2013 I don't want to act on emotion. I need to slow down. Message from MIL the other day she also said things won't work out with OM. Be patient and see what happens. It's hard to do. People say file. People say wait, slow down. I just don't know. I still have work to do on myself. It's hard to keep certain thoughts out of my head. It's difficult not having her occupy my mind and memories. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts