Wife wants Divorce. I do Not.

[JohnMcClaine]

I don't understand why you would want to wait and see what happens when she is out screwing someone else...

[burning heart]

Anything could happen.

[revitup]

Anything could happen.

 

 

Burning heart, Sometimes it's not good to use positive thinking in a situation,this is one of those occasions.

 

We are watching your emotional meltdown in my opinion.It hurts to see how you are being treated by those you wrongly believe love you.

 

You have been advised to wait for the screw up- by a stranger currently having sex with your wife- so you can go back to that "love"?

 

Yes anything could happen- including a STD from your cheating wife or her new man.

 

Just for my curiosity- Is there a line or boundary that should your wife cross that line, would be a deal breaker for you?

 

Take a little time and review your past posts and the advice already given you here.

 

REVITUP

[burning heart]

I am having a meltdown. I admit. And I don't know what to do.

I'm fine one minute them crying or panic attacks. There's not much to do where I live. The house is a bit isolated and it's lonely.

 

I had wanted to move her things to storage but kinda feel like it's too early. For myself.

Idk what'll be better....her stuff here or gone. It's a reminder and it hurts. When it's moved out this house will be pretty empty and sad then too. Idk.

 

Her checking out and leaving like she did hurt plenty. I did believe we would be back together. Then OM involved and I became more lost, confused, hurt, uncertain. That really should be enough for me to let it all go. It should be enough for me not to want to be with her.

 

I know I'm co dependant and so is she. I know I've messed up with a letter, text, being needy. I didn't beg or plead but did in the beginning of this try reason. It's done and I need to accept it and go on. For whatever reason I cannot.

 

I'm reading marriage books, staying busy for the most part, eating, showering, maintaining, seeing friends (all mutual and know the situation), I don't really have anyone to help me through. I have a friend I talk on the phone with occasionally. I'm trying not to drink heavily.

 

 

You all know we live and I work at a place my in laws provided. It was to get on our feet and move into our own place where we wanted. Our issues started and became worse because we stayed here too long. She loves the city and although this was a wanted break from that, she wanted to go back. I have too for awhile but we continued here and it had a huge impact on damaging our marriage. Now that it's over I need to go. I can stay to live and work and I'm thankful for that but I don't think it's a good idea to.

 

There's not too many trustworthy people around here and my in laws liked that they could always depend on and trust me here. They will understand if I want to go but there's a lot to work out before I do so. Out of respect for them I need to do that right.

 

I have an opportunity to move, rent a house with a friend, and change my life. I feel it's a little early now but I need to take action and get out of here. The issue with it is that it's in the city she moved back to (where her parents are and we used to live). So it's possible our paths will cross. It will be tough. Idk what I should do yet but I know I need to leave here before too long and that could be a good opportunity for me.

 

I'm an adult and I need to make some tough decisions. I've been pretty lucky in life. This is the hardest , most emotionally intense thing I've ever had to go through. I'm trying not to make decisions based on emotions or what W would think/feel about it (that's hard because that's all we had for awhile). I need to really give things thought.

[fmrmarine]

Stop reading marriage books. Pick up a copy of 'No More Mr. Niceguy' by Dr. Robert Glover. The title is a bit misleading but the book is fantastic. Particularly for someone going through what you are. This storm will pass and you will be fine. In fact, if you use this as an opportunity to really learn and grow and develop you will be better than fine. Your best days are ahead of you. And seriously, get the book and read it ASAP.

[burning heart]

Hey I need you to send me a check and two masks from the the wall. I want the red velvet mask and the small black one with net across the eyes. please send them ASAP. I'm completly broke and I need the masks before January 10th. Please wrap the masks up very well. I appreciate it. I need money for myself and Christmas presents for my nieces & nephews. Thank you. And please send me the folder with my birth certificate and our marriage license. I must have an ID. I think it's on the book shelf.

 

From her this morning. I have not replied.

[JohnMcClaine]

Stop posting messages from her. They mean nothing. Just to remind you, she's having sex with another man. We have told you what you need to do, and we all realize it's much easier said than done. But what you need to realize is that this advice is coming from those who have gone through the same exact thing.

 

Take the opportunity to rent a house with your friend, and file for divorce. Or, if you want to keep being miserable, ignore that advice.

 

The choice is yours.

[burning heart]

Trying to figure out if she's a WAW. Sorry you're so bitter.

But patience can pay off.

[JohnMcClaine]

Trying to figure out if she's a WAW. Sorry you're so bitter.

But patience can pay off.

 

You're deluding yourself. It's obvious you're not strong enough to handle this advice, so good luck. Unfortunately one day you'll be kicking yourself in the ass for not following it. Cya.

[burning heart]

20 posts since June. Mostly on my thread. You'll be fine. Cya.

[beach]

Trying to figure out if she's a WAW. Sorry you're so bitter.

But patience can pay off.

 

If payoff means your cheating wife comes back - that makes you the loser in all this.

 

You're waiting to have her hurt you more?

 

Why? Why would you beg the cheater for more pain and suffering?

 

She's not shown any indication she's interested. Yet you're pining away for her crumbs...are you in counseling now?

 

It's not that you can't move forward (you can) = it's that you won't.

Edited December 22, 2013 by beach

[burning heart]

At this point I still want to be with her. That may change in time but now I do and I'm wanting to work towards that. If it works, it works. It may be a mistake but I just don't right now. I'm being patient and trying to focus on me but it's tough.

 

Our friend told me yesterday: She's been gone just over 5 weeks. She hasn't worked on herself, it's been all about having fun and OM, she still hasn't gone to the dentist, still no ID, she asks me to send paperwork but is capable of getting things done herself, she says she's broke but can go out, she been there long enough to be miserable and done it to herself.

 

This friend agrees with not sending money.

[beach]

At this point I still want to be with her. That may change in time but now I do and I'm wanting to work towards that. If it works, it works. It may be a mistake but I just don't right now. I'm being patient and trying to focus on me but it's tough.

 

Our friend told me yesterday: She's been gone just over 5 weeks. She hasn't worked on herself, it's been all about having fun and OM, she still hasn't gone to the dentist, still no ID, she asks me to send paperwork but is capable of getting things done herself, she says she's broke but can go out, she been there long enough to be miserable and done it to herself.

 

This friend agrees with not sending money.

 

It's not about her working on herself.

 

This is about you working on yourself. You can change you. You can't change her.

 

But you stay stuck and focused on her.

 

Codependent = yes. You can change that about you.

 

She's obviously capable of getting money - but you may not want to hear how that happens.

 

No - don't send her anything. She's an adult and can figure out how to order a new birth certificate.

[burning heart]

She wanted a break to work in herself. She's been telling that to friends.

 

Her parents are still giving her money.

 

Yes, I need to and will work on myself.

[beach]

She wanted a break to work in herself. She's been telling that to friends.

 

Her parents are still giving her money.

 

Yes, I need to and will work on myself.

 

Her parents are helping her cheat and break her marital vows.

 

It's done- it's over.

 

It's you who's not accepting that reality. Get help with that.

[keepontruckin]

Burning heart, I predicted what she would do.

 

My wife did the same.

 

And that was eight months ago. I have been served with divorce docs.

 

She will NOT talk to me now in ANY way, shape or form.

 

Her parents are most likely subsidizing her lifestyle now. That's fine, as she is now their problem.

 

As the months pass, you will start to think with more clarity. You will stop blaming yourself, and you will start to "connect the dots," so to speak.

 

When this becomes clear to you, you will realize how ugly human nature truly is. And if you're like me, you will eventually go from missing a woman's company, to never opening your heart or wallet for another woman again. Trust me... The stats say that the next one will most likely do the same also...

 

You'll have more luck at a Vegas gambling table, than the odds of a second marriage succeeding. And I'm not making this up... These are proven stats!

[burning heart]

We are still married but she wants divorce and is having an affair. I should not send money. I can't do it.

 

As far as paperwork and little things she wants from the house idk. Part of me says cooperate for now, the other says do not do anything she asks.

 

I haven't replied to her message from two days ago about wanting money and things and I don't plan to. I'm trying to go dark. She wants a divorce, knows how I feel, having affair, abandoned me and everything here. She needs to know what it'll be like without me. Correct?

 

Still want to pack her belongings and put in storage. I think it'll make a difference for me to heal some. If any contact with her I'll let her know her things are in storage and I believe she took the paperwork she's asking for (l can't find it). At some point I'll have to change insurance policies too and let her know.

 

I know this process isn't pretty but I don't want things to be ugly. There's no reason to argue. If she gets vindictive or vengeful then I'll have to stay calm and work through it.

[burning heart]

Well I've decided to slowly start sorting and packing her things. I will also be packing my stuff that I won't need for awhile. I know this will be hard. It was nerve wrecking just to make room in the storage unit. I feel I have no choice here. I've thought about it enough.

 

I can't keep going on this way. She's been gone nearly 6 weeks. It's horrible I have to be the one to do this alone but she wants to avoid. We also have a lot of cats and I don't know if she's even concerned about them. I'm sure she is but I believe she's expecting me to stay here and work for her parents while she runs around, has fun, and no real responsibility.

 

 

I, at some point, feel I need to inform her that:

 

Things are packed and I can't send what she's asking for. My stuff is also being packed.

And our insurance policies will soon be changed.

She's having an affair so I'm not sending money.

And I'm moving soon.

 

 

This will be me standing up for myself. Which is something I haven't done in some time (180) and she won't expect. If she does want to divorce this will push that or at least make some reality come into focus for her, I hope. If she's set on divorce then we move to that. If she needs to check for greener pastures and stay in a confused fantasy land well I'll decide what I want from there on. I've done all I could.

 

I know she expects me to stay here. She's not expecting me to stand my ground and make life changes for me without her. She knows I still love and want to be with her. She says she wants divorce and seeing someone else. If that is what she truly wants then I need to stand up and move on.

 

Telling her the above things will be hard for me but I believe I need to. It also shows I won't be waiting around. I'm living my life. Will it change her mind? Maybe not. Will she see that I won't be waiting for her? Or feel that she is losing me? Idk. I'm hoping it will but I'm doubtful...

 

I want to be with her but I can't stay stuck hoping it will happen. It's all in her time.

 

I know a lot of you feel affairs are a deal breaker. It's not necessarily one for me. In the past it has been for me but I'm giving it time.

[RightThere]

I know a lot of you feel affairs are a deal breaker. It's not necessarily one for me. In the past it has been for me but I'm giving it time.

 

It's not a deal breaker for everyone. It wasn't for me (even though I previously thought it would be).

 

However it's not a dealbreaker if the WS is willing to work on the marriage. Your wife is not. She is living the high life. So good for you to start packing her things and not sending her support money to continue on with her nonsense.

 

I'm planning on doing something similar. My STBXW is slowly moving her stuff out to her new boyfriend's place. But it's much too slow for me. So before New Year's I'm going to aid her packing and get all her junk into boxes. She can take it or not, but it's not going to fill up my closets anymore.

[burning heart]

Does the rest of my thinking and plan sound good?

I don't know how this works. I'm trying.

[RightThere]

Does the rest of my thinking and plan sound good?

I don't know how this works. I'm trying.

 

You are definitely doing a lot of the right things.

 

Pack up her crap (check)

Don't send her anything she asks for including money (check)

No contact (check)

 

I think the cats are tough because if she's going to neglect them, they won't have anybody. If you like them, take care of them. If you hate them, take them to a shelter.

 

If your plan is to wait, then that is your choice. But overall the things you are doing sound good. Just keep moving ahead without waiting for her to wise up.

 

I know it's very tough to reconcile who your wife actually is right now versus who you thought she was. She might actually be both people, but know that you cannot focus only on the good. She has a lot of bad qualities that are causing you significant damage.

[burning heart]

I love the cats. One was mine before we were dating and three were hers. We picked up a few more while living here.

[burning heart]

It's tough.

 

I guess I'm doing the last resort. Close to it anyway.

Idk what else to do. I can't keep going on the way things are so I have to change and

move her things out. Waiting for a time to tell her.

 

My in laws should be here next week.

[dumped2013]

Dude,

Keep and take care of the Cats. If you take them to a shelter make sure it is a no kill. The Cats will love you more than her. I was left with my little Cat and she has pulled me through all this ****.

[burning heart]

I'm keeping them. I'm sure at some point she will get the three she had before we got together.

It's just sad seeing them not act right since she's been gone. None of them.

I think I need to move her stuff out but the cats will stay.