Wife wants Divorce. I do Not.

[Eroded]

I know the feeling all too well. My husband called me nearly two months ago to tell me he wanted a divorce and didn't want to fix anything or seek counseling. His mom and family are in on it too, and have turned me into public enemy over night and kicked me out of our apartment just because I had been depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts since I was working 45-50 hours a week to support my unemployed husband. They said I'm interfering with his music degree too much and need to go.

 

I wish you all the best. In my situation, it seems I'm unable to fix it, and he's hired a lawyer to harass me and to try to go after the little savings I've amounted to help my family. His mother also has been harassing me and calling me racist names.

[burning heart]

Things haven't been ugly. I hope they don't get that way. She said she didn't want anything but I know this can change if things do progress towards to end.

 

I haven't called her or anything and wonder if she's getting angry about it. When we had the D call we were both emotional and crying. Both hurt. That was 5 days ago. I don't know if she's moved into anger or more a more rational way of thinking yet. I had only wanted to return MIL call, only asking how W is doing. If we talked about anything else we would go from there. She has always been supportive of us and wants us to be happy.

 

I want every oppotunity to work this out. She felt at the time she did all she could. I may have tried and didn't commit to holding my changes but I certainly am now. If nothing else for myself.

 

 

** I must add that she is Bi Polar and Manic. I should've earlier but wasn't thinking about it. I did state earlier that we decided on children. We have been trying a few months. I know tests can be wrong and periods can still happen. This adds more to the situation we are in.

Edited November 25, 2013 by burning heart
Added information.

[burning heart]

Does anyone have any experience or thoughts about my last edit?

[soccerrprp]

Oh, dear. You brought in her diagnosed conditions into the mix...

 

If true, I am even more sympathetic to your wife's situation. Frankly, this doesn't change anything for me. You effed-up repeatedly and she made a bold decision despite the handicaps you want to alert us to. The best thing to do is improve yourself and not do it for any other reason than for yourself. Hopefully your wife sees that you're making an effort and things go your way.

 

BUT, I fear for your wife. She's seen the real you and she's been disappointed over and over again. I just hope these actions are sincere b/c you know you need to do them and not just b/c you are staring at losing your wife to divorce. For her sake, I hope these changes to improve yourself are permanent.

 

Good luck.

[burning heart]

I am determined to change. I need to.

 

 

She messaged me today wanted me to mail her debit card. Also message her CC number so she can get an ID in that state.

 

There is a man. at least talking to one according to her social media.

 

WTH do I do? I have no one to talk to and I haven't tried her mother again.

[burning heart]

Idk what to do. It seems that hope is lost and this is it.

[revitup]

Your posts are reading a lot into his situation. I don't think he's said enough to indicate that his situation is like yours. What he says about the way he treated her is in fact pretty negative and I wouldn't necessarily want to stay around for it either. Unless I was really screwing up too, he'd have to show me that he had changed. Going no contact would show me nothing.

 

Maybe but the statement I used is UNIVERSAL - NO woman loves a man she DOES NOT Respect....they may pretend and they may be scared to say,but NO woman LOVES a man they do not respect.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

Things haven't been ugly. I hope they don't get that way. She said she didn't want anything but I know this can change if things do progress towards to end.

 

I haven't called her or anything and wonder if she's getting angry about it. When we had the D call we were both emotional and crying. Both hurt. That was 5 days ago. I don't know if she's moved into anger or more a more rational way of thinking yet. I had only wanted to return MIL call, only asking how W is doing. If we talked about anything else we would go from there. She has always been supportive of us and wants us to be happy.

 

I want every oppotunity to work this out. She felt at the time she did all she could. I may have tried and didn't commit to holding my changes but I certainly am now. If nothing else for myself.

 

 

** I must add that she is Bi Polar and Manic. I should've earlier but wasn't thinking about it. I did state earlier that we decided on children. We have been trying a few months. I know tests can be wrong and periods can still happen. This adds more to the situation we are in.

 

 

And someone said -Rev was reading too much into this and maybe his wife not like Rev's ? Hmmm doesn't look like Rev was reading too much into this now.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

I am determined to change. I need to.

 

 

She messaged me today wanted me to mail her debit card. Also message her CC number so she can get an ID in that state.

 

There is a man. at least talking to one according to her social media.

 

WTH do I do? I have no one to talk to and I haven't tried her mother again.

 

Sometimes others just see what you miss,sorry.

 

REVITUP

[burning heart]

Well, I;m still going to continue with my self help and marriage book reading. I am searching for a therapist but none are available till after the holiday.

 

I'm still not giving up.

[burning heart]

Ok. I had a talk with MIL. She wants and thinks we can work things out. She is willing to help me get therapy as well. She wants both of us to have it. She is going to talk with my W.

[tiredofitall2]

Been reading your posts. Have not seen that you have really been giving her the space that both of you need. You need to go dark and let her breath.The ML thing can backfire. The more pressure she feels the more you will be pushing her away.

 

Begging, pleading and reasoning never works. Space so that she misses you will. If she loves you she will come back, but if you haven't improved yourself she will leave again.

 

You need to get a life and be happy so that she sees that you are doing well without her and it will be inviting. She will know you will be doing well with her as well.

 

Don't date other people, just go out with friends, go to the gym try new hobbies etc.

 

Try to not contact her. She will not forget you. For crying out loud, she is your wife and love doesn't go away in days, weeks months or years. Love is not a temporary thing. It takes a long time for someone to forget their spouse.

 

Give her space and she will come around, but be prepared to demonstrate changes. Don't talk the talk, but walk the walk.

[burning heart]

We haven't talked in 6 days. I did text 4 or 5 days ago. Then yesterday she text. Yes, I have been looking at social media. She called yesterday, I did not answer. MIL called here twice before I called back.

 

I know I have to make changes and take action. Do it and stay with them. For myself. We have mutual friends but it will still be hard to get any word of progress to her. If I go around these friends I can't talk about how I changed or what I'm doing, they have to see it for themselves. So does my W.

[burning heart]

I have to keep up with the work I'm doing for myself. For myself.

 

She texted today about her CC. I am mailing it with the letter I wrote and that is all I can do at this point. By the time she gets it more time will have pasted due to the holiday. I have not heard back from my MIL and this worries me. She is not contacting friends here. Mutual friends have offered to try and talk to her. They haven't yet but know something is going on because of social media. I don't know if this will be helpful now.

[Yasuandio]

Read the 180's and follow them, or you're gonna mess up.

 

That means no discussing anything with friends or MIL, period. Give her the space and time to miss you. Let there be an empty seat at the Thanksgiving table this year. That's right - allow it to be real. Yas

[burning heart]

If it's about her CC I have to mail it and answer those texts. Texts the last two days were about that 1-2 texts a day. She also said she didn't want to hurt me.

 

MIL and I are kindof close and she wants us to work it out and to be happy. Thankgsgiving will be with the family and I won't be there. That will be real. It hurts me too.

Edited November 27, 2013 by burning heart

[tiredofitall2]

If it's about her CC I have to mail it and answer those texts. Texts the last two days were about that 1-2 texts a day. She also said she didn't want to hurt me.

 

MIL and I are kindof close and she wants us to work it out and to be happy. Thankgsgiving will be with the family and I won't be there. That will be real. It hurts me too.

 

 

No contact is exactly that. NC, text MIL, family and friends are alternative ways of contacting. You will lose her if you keep pursuing.

 

Be polite and let her know you need some space too and that it will be good for both of you for the moment.

 

You will know when you are ready to initiate contact or to answer her after she attempts contact. A week or two is a very short time and NC should be a little longer, but there is not set time. Some like a minimum of a month. But I think this is really not what's important.

 

What's important is you giving yourself time to reflect and improve yourself. Time to find things that make you a better person, someone she would be crazy to leave.

[theothersully]

Pack it in. I remember something I read during my divorce from my mentally ill (borderline) ex wife of 10 years...

 

It takes 2 people to have a marriage, but only one to have a divorce.

 

Seriously consider this is not worth fighting for. You will end up with ms. emotional problems again and probably be right back to this point in a few more years.

[burning heart]

I understand NC and no I have not completely done it. The last two days was a text for her card-she text twice both days. I replied once each day only asking where it is. You guys are saying NC even about her Credit card. Nothing.

 

I haven't looked at any social media a few days. I am continuing the work on myself. Good and bad days.

[Nat22]

Hey Burning Heart, I can completely relate to your situation but on the other end. I was that person....well am that person wanting the space. Everyone has a different situation but after 10 years....I am tired. I had an awesome fantastic relationship with my H. He is a charming, charismatic guy. Our lives are in twined so closely. I would suggest give the space. It makes it hard and it hurts .....it hurts me soooooooo much. I am at a point where the issues in our marriage seem like they just haven't went away and can't be resloved. It's like we have all the ingredients to a perfect marriage but when they are all in the pot together.... well it just doesn't come out the way we would think.

[burning heart]

We have mutual friends that are still on here social media. I don't know if my family are still on hers or anything. Since she posted things on there, changed married status, maiden name, etc everyone knows something is going on. I asked them not to tell me what's being posted or what she's doing. Sure, I want to know how she's feeling but I can't. If it appears that she is dating or anything like that I may need to know so I can take my next steps.

 

This all hurts bad and a few think she's doing certain things to hurt me or so they will tell me something. I don't know how to feel right now. I'm trying to stay strong and do what I need to do for me.

 

If this wasn't a huge wake-up call for me and her just going out to 'live' a little more, find herself, freedom, etc. and it's really over it will crush me. I'm trying to stand tall. Some days are harder than other and even throughout the day it's good and bad.

[Debanked]

You have no kids and a wife that doesn't want to be with you. Let her go. And stay the heck away from social media and quit torturing yourself. Time to hit the gym, hang out with old friends and get on with life. If anyone ever had a scenario for an easy (and highly justifiable) split, it's you.

[ShannonBanana]

Social media is a crutch. You can drop it like a hot potato for as long as you would like by deactivating your account. Deactivating your account will not delete it, it will make it inactive. No pictures, not posts, just a blank default image next to your name and nothing else. Once you log in to FB again, it reactivates. You won't have to un-friend anyone, hurt anyone's feelings, just post a status saying you will be off of FB for a little while and give your email address if you want people to contact you.

 

About 6 weeks ago I deactivated my account...my hubby changed his status a few weeks prior and I didn't want to see anything that would hurt me...so I 'went dark' on FB. I swapped email addresses with people who I didn't have that information prior.

 

It was a challenge to not log on for the first week but now I even forget that it existed. I'm not even sure I will ever get back on since all the people I love keep in contact outside of social media.

 

There is really no reason for social media to be an excuse to hurt yourself.

 

Also, not having a FB page adds a sense of mystery not only to your ex but anyone else that you meet in the future. People are intrigued when I say I am not on FB. It's like wearing clothes from a different country...it's interesting, different from following the masses and refreshing.

Edited November 27, 2013 by ShannonBanana

[Balzac]

.She texted today about her CC. I am mailing it with the letter I wrote ...

 

You're telling us that a fully functional adult woman cannot manage her credit cards online? Sorry but I'm laughing at that. You two play games. Not productive to fixing anything.

[Wtfisgoingonhere]

I feel for you. I am in a very, very similar situation. Married just over one year, dated for four years, and two months ago my wife walked out. I was SHOCKED and did not see it coming at all. I thought everything was perfect. In my case it was a bad fight that led to the separation.

 

I have been absolutely devastated for the past two months. My wife reacted very similarly to yours - she didn't want any contact and from day one she basically said it was over as a flip had switched. I spent a month texting her and emailing and sending letters and it only seemed to make her mad. I then stopped contacting her for a couple of weeks only to be served divorce papers. I have beaten myself up about how I could have approached things differently but honestly I don't think it would have mattered. She made her decision and emotionally seems to be shutting me out even though she is visibly hurting over our pending divorce. She seems to be trying to run as fast as she can away from issues instead of confronting them.

 

It's extremely hard. I love my wife so much and the thought of losing her is crippling to me. Like you, I've spent my time reading books, going to church and trying to better myself. I think all that is good, but I'm starting to realize that it's not all me. Don't beat yourself up over everything. And in retrospect, I feel like cutting off contact is the best approach as at this point it's out of your hands. If she wants to work things out she will reach out to you and if she doesn't then you are going to likely just make things worse. The hardest part is realizing that you have absolutely no control.