Fiancee is inconsiderate...

[anitav]

Ok I am very frustrated, not that I didn't see this before but my fiancee can be very inconsiderate and selfish at times. He is wonderful in a lot of ways, he is respectful and hardworking, he is loyal, he is kind, etc.....But at times he resorts to his bachelor ways, where he just decides to change plans or do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. For example, we made plans to see each other for lunch, and when I called him after his work day and after I had gone shopping, he had already left work and was going home to do some shopping himself. Didn't call me, didn't check in, then blames it on his work day being hectic. But this type of behaviour happens a little too often, and I guess too often to go unnoticed. I've seen him do this with others too, where he might say something to appease the situation but then doesn't necessarily follow through. It makes me feel that at times he is unreliable. Like I said, he has many wonderful qualities, but is this sort of thing a deal breaker? We have been together nearly 2 1/2 years, I would think he would get it! It's starting to irritate me as I don't want to plan my wedding and have him living his own schedule and not working with me!

[Thinkalot]

Talk about it with him. Nicely point out why it matters to you, and why you are upset about it.

 

I dont think it's a deal breaker. NOw that you are getting ready to sign up for life, it probably seems more important, as things usually do, when you realise it's forever. He does sound like he might get a bit distracted, or self-centred at times, probably with no intent to hurt, but simply not realising the impact. I can understand why it would frustrate, so just negotiate a way through it.

[head/heels]

hello! no one is perfect

 

talk to him about it

 

and if he doesnt do it

 

talk to him some more

 

relationships are work

 

if that is the only thing you have to worry about than you have it made!

 

talk, talk , talk

 

if that doesn work, go to counseling to learn how to better cope with it within yourself, and also ask him to go too so he can understand how he makes you feel and hopefullly (he has to want and be wiilling to learn) fix himself in this area

 

if not only reptition and talking can help it......no dont give up! go make it work,,, all relationships have hard times and are hard to get through,,,it is not all rainbows and butterflies

 

now work on it for me (read the book MEN MARS WOMAN VENUS)

 

derek

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by head/heels

 

if that is the only thing you have to worry about than you have it made!

 

lol...it's true many people, including my fiance and I, have bigger problems than that. Doesnt mean it's not an issue for you though, and I hope you can reach some middle ground soon.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by anitav

Ok I am very frustrated, not that I didn't see this before but my fiancee can be very inconsiderate and selfish at times. He is wonderful in a lot of ways, he is respectful and hardworking, he is loyal, he is kind, etc.....But at times he resorts to his bachelor ways, where he just decides to change plans or do what he wants to do when he wants to do it.

 

I am so glad to see a man who is not a spineless jellyfish and makes his own needs a priority.

 

This is great, i love it. Anitav, you have a real, live MAN on your hands.

 

Anitav, many women think the world revolves around them and this gets lesser men into a lot of trouble. But I think your finace is wonderful. I am glad he looks out for himself, more men need to do this.

 

And the funny thing is that when a man puts himself first and is selfish his woman has more respoect for him and stands by him even more!!!!

[Lil Honey]

IMHO, I think that when someone (a man or a woman) makes plans to be somewhere and they don't show and don't call, it's selfish. It has nothing to do with having a spine or a lack of one. It DOES have everything to do with respecting another person and their time.

 

I think that you need to sit him down and tell him how important this concept is to you - and other people. My STBX is the same way. If he has to meet someone at 10:00, "eventually" is good enough for him. It doesn't matter that other people have other things to do than wait around for him.

 

My suggestion that you talk to him about it, comes from the idea that you really can't expect another person to read your mind and know what is important to you (even when the issue is pretty basic and one of manners).

 

Sure, there will be other things to worry about and challenges ahead for the two of you. However, he also has to understand the idea of working together when he gets married, because marriage is work - and it isn't one-sided.

 

Lil Honey

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

IMHO, I think that when someone (a man or a woman) makes plans to be somewhere and they don't show and don't call, it's selfish. It has nothing to do with having a spine or a lack of one. It DOES have everything to do with respecting another person and their time.

 

 

Lil Honey:

I disagree. Why is she trying to change him and make him "perfect". Why can't she just leave well enuf alone? She said he is great in most areas and has some imperfections. Don't we all. Why cannot she just accept the whole package as is?????????

 

Why do women ALWAYS have to change men and their behavior. Sounds like her fiance has a lotta good and a little bad. So what is wrong with that???

[Lil Honey]

Alpha:

 

She isn't trying to make him perfect, just respectful of others and their time. If he wants to sit in front of the TV and scratch himself, then gosh, let 'im do it.

 

Let's change it up a bit. If you made plans with . . . oh . . . let's say . . . your doctor . . . then you arrived only for the receptionist to tell you that he suddenly decided to go play a round of golf, wouldn't you be a bit miffed that no one could call and save you the time and trouble of getting there?

 

Yes, we all have imperfections. However, if he does this to everyone, then IMHO, he has a problem with telling time or respecting others. If he does this to only her, then IMHO, he has a problem with respecting her. Afterall, he must've agreed to the plans or he should have made other plans.

 

Maybe she CAN accept the whole package as is, but judging by her thread, this bothers her as it would most people who expect someone to be somewhere when they say they will. I think of it as being reliable. Of course, she could turn the tables on him and do the same to him. I doubt that it would solve anything, only make the matter worse.

 

My point is to tell him how others are affected. He will either have a light go on or he won't. He either has regard for others or he doesn't. (Not "just" his future wife.)

 

Also, making plans, then skipping out without so much as a phone call shows a huge lack of communication. That is of undying importance in any marriage.

 

Saying that women ALWAYS have to change a man's behavior is a very broad statement. I get the feeling that you think all men are "pushed around" by women. I'll just say that people (men or women) don't have something happen to them unless they ALLOW it to happen. And THAT, is where backbone comes in - not in keeping or ignoring planned meetings.

 

There is nothing wrong with her finance having a lot of good and very little bad. I couldn't be happier for her. So, it is up to her whether she wants to point out to him his rudeness or live with it and it's also up to him to unlearn his rudeness or continue with it. They are both responsible for the outcome.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by alphamale

I am so glad to see a man who is not a spineless jellyfish and makes his own needs a priority.

 

C'mon alpha. I don't know what experiences you've had in life. But it is possible to be a man with a spine, and strong will...who ALSO respects people, and their time and plans.

[Lil Honey]

Thank you.

 

Anitav's finance is creating his own problems and he doesn't even realize it.

 

Let's say that he continues to just do whatever he wants and stand people up. They have another lunch planned, but once again he doesn't show and doesn't call. Does she leave? How long is she supposed to wait for him? Let's say that she waits half an hour for him and leaves. Then he shows up. He will likely get mad because he is there and she didn't wait longer for him.

 

Now, let's say the same scenario happens. She waits, he doesn't show. BUT he doesn't show because his vehicle broke down. How would she have any indication that something is wrong if he isn't known for calling? Ohhhhh . . . I get it . . . maybe he will call her now, because he needs her help . . .

 

I think that if he wants to continue to live like a single person, he needs to tell her and discuss the impending marriage. Living as a single probably won't work after a marriage, because it isn't a one-player sport. It is a team effort.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

C'mon alpha. I don't know what experiences you've had in life. But it is possible to be a man with a spine, and strong will...who ALSO respects people, and their time and plans.

 

It is a control a power issue for her. She sometimes cannot control him and she does not like it. i say good for hims that he sometimes does what he wants to do. once in a while you have to say "what the ****" and take care of your needs first.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by anitav

It's starting to irritate me as I don't want to plan my wedding and have him living his own schedule and not working with me!

 

"Not working WITH me" doesn't sound like she wants to control him. It sounds like she wants him to communicate and let her know what's going on. "Working WITH me" sounds more like someone who knows what marriage is about - working TOGETHER. Afterall, if two people are getting married but won't work together, then WHY get married??????

 

Edited to add: I would think that she calls and lets others know if she can't make a scheduled meeting as expects the same consideration. Now, I would see it as control if she wanted HIM to communicate, but she wasn't going to communicate.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

"Not working WITH me" doesn't sound like she wants to control him. It sounds like she wants him to communicate and let her know what's going on. "Working WITH me" sounds more like someone who knows what marriage is about - working TOGETHER. Afterall, if two people are getting married but won't work together, then WHY get married??????

 

Edited to add: I would think that she calls and lets others know if she can't make a scheduled meeting as expects the same consideration. Now, I would see it as control if she wanted HIM to communicate, but she wasn't going to communicate.

 

 

right and if it is such a big issue then she should call of the wedding and leave him. then she should find another guy she can controll 100% of the time who calls her 15x per day telling her where he is at and if he'll be late and all that shyt. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?

[SadAndLonely]

Originally posted by alphamale

It is a control a power issue for her. She sometimes cannot control him and she does not like it. i say good for hims that he sometimes does what he wants to do. once in a while you have to say "what the ****" and take care of your needs first.

 

Sorry, but I gotta disagree with you on this one. You can "take care of your needs" and give your fiancee a quick call and say, "Honey, I gotta cancel lunch to take care of something."

 

It isn't about being a man or being a woman, as many woman are just as strong and "selfish" as men are. It's about respect. A man so strong should be able to find the strength of will to dial a seven-digit number and talk into a receiver for 10 seconds. Otherwise he's just an inconsiderate pussy who thinks the world revolves around him, even though it doesn't.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by SadAndLonely

Sorry, but I gotta disagree with you on this one. You can "take care of your needs" and give your fiancee a quick call and say, "Honey, I gotta cancel lunch to take care of something."

 

It isn't about being a man or being a woman, as many woman are just as strong and "selfish" as men are. It's about respect. A man so strong should be able to find the strength of will to dial a seven-digit number and talk into a receiver for 10 seconds. Otherwise he's just an inconsiderate pussy who thinks the world revolves around him, even though it doesn't.

 

like i said above if she does not like it or it is a deal-breaker then she should leave him

[SadAndLonely]

I'm not sure if she knows if it's a deal breaker or not. If it is, then I agree with you. Life's too short to be miserable. I think forgetting a few dates with him so she can be "selfish" and "take care of her needs" would be useful, though.

[Thinkalot]

I honestly cannot believe the attitude you take sometimes alpha.

 

She has posted here looking for some advice and ways to remedy a situation which bothers her, and which would bother most people. To what extent, may differ from person to person.

 

I dont think she sounds the least bit like a control freak, and you've turned this into something it was never meant to be about.

 

men and women aren't competing for control, or freedom, or to have it their way...that was never was this post was about IMHO. Sometimes, sadly relationships do come down to that, sure, but I don't think that was the case in this post.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

I honestly cannot believe the attitude you take sometimes alpha.

 

She has posted here looking for some advice and ways to remedy a situation which bothers her, and which would bother most people. To what extent, may differ from person to person.

 

I dont think she sounds the least bit like a control freak, and you've turned this into something it was never meant to be about.

 

men and women aren't competing for control, or freedom, or to have it their way...that was never was this post was about IMHO. Sometimes, sadly relationships do come down to that, sure, but I don't think that was the case in this post.

 

well #1 we are only getting one side of the story and #2 I am going by what she posted originally and that is all.

 

people don't change too much, esp their personalities and habits. She has agreed to marry this dude and if it is such a big problem she needs to re-evaluate her decision. That is my advice.

[Lil Honey]

The original post said that they had plans for lunch and he skipped out without calling. The original post also mentioned that he does this to everyone.

 

It has zero to do with his masculinity or his backbone. It has everything to do with common courtesy.

 

Granted, if this an issue for her, then it should be a red flag for her. He is either rude because he doesn't "get it" or he is rude because he is . . . well . . . rude. He needs to be told. Then it is up to him to decide if he wants to continue being rude and selfish or if he wants to grow a backbone and start thinking of people besides himself.