NC this tough? HELP

[mixwell]

ok heres the deal for all of you that dont know. basically i moved away from my girl of 7 years. she broke up with me and 1 month after i moved back where she is. i was thinking about my situation and the way she is acting and i sort of see it like this.. I think that by me moving away it was basically like i broke up with her but she was the one that actually said it. but she says she doesnt want anything right now.

 

heres my Q though. It seems like sometimes i was the one that ended it but she actually did. So do you guys think she could be acting the way she does because she felt like me moving away I broke up with her ? or do you see it as me being the dumpee ??

 

I have done NC for only 4 dayss (today will be the 5th) I did text message her on xmas though just saying "merry xmas hope yer days going good." She called me though on Xmas durning the night. so its only been like 3 days i havent talked to her but this thursday (if we dont hang out ) will be 2 weeks that I haven't seen her.

 

NC is soo hard because the whole 7 years that we were together and even when we were apart before We've never gone this long without talking to each other and also 2 weeks would be the longest we haven't seen each other ever !! i mean the whole time ive known her ! its soo hard because i know shes going through a lot and i just want to be there for her and show her that if we got back together things would be diff. I have taken the time to review us and myself and change all those things if she would only give it a chance but how could i let her know ? ive told her this but i dont know. I know shes jacking up a good thing but i dont think she knows it !

 

 

 

so i dont know im almost to the point of giving in but i know i cant. any opinions ? im just writing this post because its almost the only thing to get this off my chest for the time !!

 

 

 

HELP !!

[Clancy]

Hate to say this to you pal but read your own words. She broke it off. it may "seem" to you that she cares that you moved away but she didn't want you in the first place. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. She has.

[nan]

I'll tell you one thing, people hate being left, so it's much easier to be the one leaving. It sounds like this may be your situation. She probably felt left behind so she dumped you. I know that no contact is more than hard, but it really gives you time to reflect. When my ex broke up with me, I thought I couldn't go a day without talking to him. It's just not true, you'll live through it.

 

You have to make them afraid of losing you. I called my ex after we broke up all the time. One day I woke up and just thought what the hell am I doing, he left and he needs space. I told him I was just done with all of the hoping and wishing he would come back and he made it clear that he didn't want to see me. Basically goodbye. Ever since then he's been calling me and that was a month ago. I haven't called him once.

 

Trust me, hang in there and don't be too needy, act happy and fine. Definately don't try to talk to her about how much you changed. Don't TELL her, SHOW her and let her judge that herself. If she wants to talk to you she will call, just like my ex.

 

Find something that makes you happy and occupies your time. It's the only thing to do. I love music, hip hop music, plus I'm a writer. I'll just sit and listen to music and write. Sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's not. I'm not trying to say it's easy, because it's not. Sometimes I would cry thinking about him, sometimes I would smile. Just be glad that you shared that with her, and never forget her. Be glad for what you had.

[iceisles]

NC is rough, but it works. There aren't many easy ways to heal following a breakup, but this one works pretty consistently. Just stick with it no matter what kind of urges you get. When you feel the need to call her, just think about how she hurt you and how strong you are inside.

[mixwell]

Thanks for the advice ! i know. i was soo close to calling but i went upstairs and took a shower and got dressed and now its not as bad ( i had just woken up not too long ago. i sleep in late) i didnt shower because of her. haha. although i did think of her in the shower haha. anyways yeah i CANT call her i have to stick to it !! Ill be soo much happier when this is all over with ! im sure the condition were in that we will get back together but she said shes still hurt and pissed off at me so the best thing to do is give her space. Although hung out quite a bit when i first got back. (ive been back almost a month now) but this past week shes been kinda bitchy and blowin me off so yeah. Women ! cant live with em, cant live without em ! Why does god punish us like this ? haha

 

thanks !

[mixwell]

yeah NAN i think yer right. well i play basketball at the gym all the time wit my friends and i go out and kick it with them. what kinda hip hop music you into ? underground ? im into underground hip hop.. i know ill be patient ! i am the most impatient bastard when it comes to things !! haha.

 

Thanks for the input everyone

[mixwell]

Sorry everyone but I gave in and called her. just to see if she wanted to get some coffee for a little bit and she said she didnt feel bood. BS. She said she had a bad day at work and all that and didn't seem to really want to talk. I feel like such a dumb ass for calling her now.ahhh!!! i knew i shouldn't have !! someone slap me in the face for this !! please anyone ?? haha.. im soo o weak !! ill remember this next time i want to call her.. i also deleted her phone number out of my cell phone.. even tho i know it by heart it might make it a little harder to call.

 

sorry for giving in !

 

[iceisles]

Originally posted by mixwell

Sorry everyone but I gave in and called her. just to see if she wanted to get some coffee for a little bit and she said she didnt feel bood. BS. She said she had a bad day at work and all that and didn't seem to really want to talk. I feel like such a dumb ass for calling her now.ahhh!!! i knew i shouldn't have !! someone slap me in the face for this !! please anyone ?? haha.. im soo o weak !! ill remember this next time i want to call her.. i also deleted her phone number out of my cell phone.. even tho i know it by heart it might make it a little harder to call.

 

sorry for giving in !

 

 

*SLAP!* Just kidding, man. It probably wasn't a good idea to call her, but I think you realize how important it is to remain strong and stick with NC hook, line, and sinker. I'm glad you took her number off your phone - you may also want to consider removing her from all instant messengers and your e-mail address book (if you use it a lot). Every little reminder you can remove from the equation will help.

 

I just reinstated NC today after my ex told me that she was "fed up with the world". Of course she included men (and me) in her tirades of emotional despair. In these exact words, she said that she wanted everyone just to leave her alone so she could sort out the problems in her life. For me, there was no clearer sign that NC is the only way to go. I've done it once before, and I'll be glad to help you through yours. The first two weeks will be the hardest, IMO.

[_Saffy_]

well one good thing mix, is that you now just made me even more adamant to stick to NC, thanks

 

thats the thing see, if they aint ready to resume contact then you just get kicked in the teeth.........again!!

 

 

<slap> dont do it again, resume NC immediately.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by _Saffy_

thats the thing see, if they aint ready to resume contact then you just get kicked in the teeth.........again!!

 

And don't assume that they will be ready to talk anytime soon. From the threads I've read on here, it could take many months. The good news is, after a short while, you won't care so much anymore. There will be a day when you wake up and it won't really matter if she calls you or not. That's when you know NC is working.

[_Saffy_]

ohhhhhhhhh do i wish someone would bring that day to me......and soon

[iceisles]

Originally posted by _Saffy_

ohhhhhhhhh do i wish someone would bring that day to me......and soon

 

It took me about 2 weeks. After a full month, I almost completely forgot about her romantically. Too bad I had a holiday relapse, but that was probably expected.

[_Saffy_]

well im only on day three, feels like forever tho.

 

but i do feel that im getting there slowly. very slowly.

 

been split 17 days, and i spent 14 of them trying to get him back, which took me over christmas, thats when the reality hit me, if he dont care enough to do something over christmas then he dont care that much at all......so have drawn a line through it and am starting again.

 

its working so far

[iceisles]

Originally posted by _Saffy_

well im only on day three, feels like forever tho.

 

but i do feel that im getting there slowly. very slowly.

 

been split 17 days, and i spent 14 of them trying to get him back, which took me over christmas, thats when the reality hit me, if he dont care enough to do something over christmas then he dont care that much at all......so have drawn a line through it and am starting again.

 

its working so far

 

Usually the simplest observations are the correct ones. My ex didn't acknowledge my December birthday, nor did she call me on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Logical answer = she wants to be left alone, something that she confirmed when we spoke yesterday on the phone. At least my ex has been talking to me when I call - I suppose if she wanted me completely out of her life, I'd be listening to a dial tone. This is what leads me to believe that she really needs time on her own to think.

[_Saffy_]

thats the main reason i know i can stick to no contact, cos if i tried calling i would here the following:

 

"the *********** mobile you are trying to contact is switched off"

 

and if i text, cos its switched off it takes forever to get delivered, and then its usually in the middle of the night, which wakes me up.

 

its amazing how much better i have been sleeping since i started NC.

 

at least she answers, thats maybe something to hold on to, cos i know right now, if my ex called, he would be getting my voicemail

[iceisles]

I noticed I started to sleep better after I was into NC full-swing. You just stop worrying and wondering, and begin to regain control of your life. This will also show your ex that you are a strong person - that you are able to live your life without constant contact with them. I do believe that most women find strength to be attractive, while desperation can be a serious deterrent. It's tough, because you think you might have the perfect words to make everything better, but really the best words often come in the form of silence. This is especially true when you know that your ex is requesting time/space/etc., because it will demonstrate that you respect their wishes and feelings. There's always a chance they may never talk to you again, but from what I can tell, that is rare and is usually reserved to the ugliest of breakups.

 

I broke NC over the holidays, reaching yesterday's pinnacle of turning on the charm and reinforcing what she means to me. Even despite being ticked at the world, I think some of it sunk in. Now I recede back into the shadows and see if it has any effect when her life is back to "normal". Like Tom Petty says, the waiting is the hardest part.

[_Saffy_]

nice tom petty reference, i like him too, but im not sure he was talking about NC was he?

 

 

it will show my ex that im a strong person, when he tries to crawl back into my life and i tell him to take a hike.......of course thats cos today im feeling strong, and i really couldnt care less, tomoro of course maybe a completely different ball game.

 

gonna be up and down for a while i guess.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by _Saffy_

gonna be up and down for a while i guess.

 

You'll be up and down so much that you will feel like the new Six Flags attraction. There will be days of strength and fortitude, and there will be days of sadness. Hopefully you will have more good days than bad.

 

My ex is a rare breed - she is ambitious, frequently stubborn, and very moody. Even though I know she cares about me deep down, I doubt she will ever crawl back to me. She will probably like that I am gone and I'll just have to suck it up and deal with it.

[_Saffy_]

your ex doesnt sound like any kinda rare breed, sounds like me actually lol

 

however apart from the ambitious bit, it also sounds exactly like my ex.

 

i put in another thread, that im not sure no contact is always gonna work, i cant see my ex coming back because of it, i think its more likely to make him think that im not interested at all, and that he should leave me alone.

 

sadly, and i think this may hold a lot of weight as to what his problem is, he has no zest for life, he goes nowhere, he does nothing, he has very few friends, hes not at all ambitious, nor interested in bettering himself in anyway.

 

because of this, despite him telling me that im the best thing that has EVER happened to him, i dont think he would care about holding onto me at all.

[iceisles]

Lol. Well, she has lots of goals - I don't know if that qualifies as ambitious, though. I know for a fact that NC backfired on me - my ex told me that she thought I wasn't interested in her life anymore, etc. She just assumed that I had moved on. That's why I broke NC during the holidays - I briefly opened to the window to my heart to show her that I'm still here, that I still care, and that I still want to be part of her life if she'll have me in it. That lasted about two weeks, and now I am back to NC after making that clear (I hope?) to her.

 

Aside from the distance, I think my ex dumped me because she felt like our relationship wasn't leading anywhere. For complex reasons I won't detail here, I understand why she felt that way, though I never felt things between us had stalled. Unfortunately it's much harder to plead your case after you've been dumped, because anything you say comes off like a paper-thin defense of yourself. Now I hope that my silence will give her the space she needs to get her life together, though I don't expect that I will be a part of it when she does.

 

Life is surely a chance we take. We live and die by choices we make.

[_Saffy_]

life sure is one big gamble, lots of crossroads.

 

hope things work out for you, you seem to be pretty level headed in all this.

 

i have lots of goals, i can see where my life is heading, and i guess maybe i didnt understand how my ex could be so complacent with his. that may have added to the problems, but truthfully deep down i think that his problem is mainly medical, i think he suffers from depression, but until he recognises that and deals with it, it makes no difference what i say.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by _Saffy_

life sure is one big gamble, lots of crossroads.

 

hope things work out for you, you seem to be pretty level headed in all this.

 

i have lots of goals, i can see where my life is heading, and i guess maybe i didnt understand how my ex could be so complacent with his. that may have added to the problems, but truthfully deep down i think that his problem is mainly medical, i think he suffers from depression, but until he recognizes that and deals with it, it makes no difference what i say.

 

Thanks for your support, and I wish the same for you. The reality is that we, as one partner in a broken relationship, can only do so much. Once you've exhausted every reasonable attempt to work things out, you have to accept that while things may never be the same again, you at least gave it your all. My ex has suffered from depression for a long time, and I think life has really exacerbated that for her right now. Just like your ex, nothing I say to her will make her feel better or change the way she feels. I can only wish her the best and try to be happy with the effort I gave.

[_Saffy_]

yep thats pretty much the stage im at, i cant do any more, during the first 14 days, i offered every line i could, working it out, talking, friends (which he agreed with but i found hard)......we spent several days during that time, talking as just friends, i found him too cold, and resorted to embarrasing myself again.....and now all i can do is let him go and move on.

 

but god, do i wish that i hadnt bothered chasing at all. for my own self respect more than anything else.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by _Saffy_

but god, do i wish that i hadnt bothered chasing at all. for my own self respect more than anything else.

 

But maybe he will look back on that one day and appreciate that you made such an effort. Sometimes people don't see a helping hand until they've taken many steps backwards. I really don't think we can expect anything from our exes until their depression snaps, which could take some time. More than anything I feel like I am just fighting for the future - the possibility that she may come looking for me one day when things are better. That's not to say that I'll wait around forever, though.

[_Saffy_]

you cant wait around forever, you have to try and live things for you, and for now.

 

as far as i am concerned its done with for me, i am moving forward all the time.

 

of course this doesnt mean that should he need my help in anything i wont give it, i will just need to be careful how i deal with things.

 

he needs to be alone for a while in order to see the things he has to deal with by himself, and mostly this is his depression.

 

even now, just 2 and a half weeks later, i find it hard to see the good times, they seem to be smothered by all the bad stuff. thats probably a really bad sign. its almost as if i dreamt the good stuff or read it in a book.