Seeking validation so bad, I want to stop caring!!

[GeorgesIsntAtHome]

well some of you might know already of my little story that got way bigger than it should have:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/440161-why-do-we-give-so-much-importance-people-we-like-but-dont-care

 

So I finally met her for a drink and got closure on many things in the air, like the fact that I was not a jealous person and etc, it felt good at first, BUT turns out it wouldnt change a thing, ever, she basically told me that she wasnt interested from the beginning , I was just the right guy giving her the attention and affection she needed at that moment, not only that but she had a crush on someone else in the process. I was glad at fiurst to finally get closure, and that my feelings were confirmed, and that there was only one way to go from there, but then I acted like an idiot and screwed it up! She basically told me she was ready to contact me, out of pity I dunno, but I REGRET NOT KEEPING IT AT THAT AND NOT MOVING ON SO BAD!

 

I texted her the next morning telling her that her life was a mess and blah blah, basically wanting to have the last word , I KNOW, it was childish, I called to explain my behavior, making me look even weaker and stepping on my dignity way too much, and then she just doesnt text anymore... I am guessing that she doesnt respect me at all and doesnt care anymore...

 

It's been a week since that closure

 

I should do the same, just move on, but WHY CAN'T I, I am so desperaty telling myself:

 

-I've been a good person, I validater her, treated her respectfully, brough her moments of joy, why doesnt it come back to her mind, was it all that bad?? I am really one of those problem person you hear about that people cast away ? those creeps you say "gee what a case" ..

 

I am seeking validation from that person so much it's not even funny, it's been one week of NC and we have common friends so I'll bump into her again, she could just text me one freaking HELLO and it would everything right, 5 FREAKING SECONDS OF HER LIFE!! Then I wouldnt feel like such a worthless infignificant peon in her life, it's like everything nice she ever told me was just BS, and I really cared for her!

 

I wake up every morning pissed at her that she could be so careless and just toss me away , not text me once, after all she put me through, I just can't wrap my mind about how one day you can tell someone that you're thinking about him every day and the next that person is NOTHING to you ! I don't understand that, at all....

 

Why can't I get pass that ? why can't I just focus on meeting someone who will like me for who I am and not desperatly seek breadcrumbs from someone who used me and never even loved me ??? I am just desperatly seeking her friendship cause that's all I have left to seek, but I feel so pathetic and miserable!

 

There is another interesting thread somewhere around here about seeking validation, and I noticed that I've been doing that a LOT in my life, especially after beakups, I feel the need to have some level of importance in other people's life, to the point where it has become what feels like THE reference for my self-esteem...

 

Any hint anyone about my current case and how to just move on or what I should say if I contact her ?

 

anybody else having this issue with seeking validation that bad and how do you deal with it ?

 

thankee

Edited November 23, 2013 by GeorgesIsntAtHome

[SerCay]

Well I guess the reason most of us come to LS is to get validation.

So you're definitely not alone...

 

I'm one of those who used to seek validation all. the. time. for everything.

Then I read here on LS about it all being a self esteem issue, I started looking into it and it's true.

 

Those who seek constant outside validation for everything and can't decide whether something is right or wrong have no self esteem.

 

I used to think I did have it, but I learned that self esteem has nothing to do with being confident about your looks.

 

Stop seeking validation, like NOW. And start getting to know your inner self. Who are you? WHY does your inner self look for validation? What is it that makes you not trust your own judgment? Find out these things and you will be amazed by your own progress....

 

If you don't, you know the drill, if it isn't this girl you seek validation from, it will be the next or the next, then your best friend, then another girl..etc..

 

Good luck with this pleasant journey inside your soul!

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

You feel pathetic and miserable.

 

Remember that. Remember it always. This is your chance to learn something. I think you know deep down that she is not the kind of person that would be good for you at all. It's not a bad thing that she's cutting you off. It's time you cut her off too.

 

It sucks that you fell for her, but it happens to everyone. Now you know the result when you keep trying to contact someone who isn't into you. Try not to let it happen again.

[AnyaNova]

I think right now, what you want is to stop hurting.

 

There will come a time, when you are ready to stop caring. When you truly make the decision and do. For me that time came, when he showed that he wasn't the kind of person he made himself out to be and refused to respond to that email of mine asking for friendship during a difficult time for me.

 

And then, knowing that what I truly cared about was an image that I had constructed of him, and not the real person I thought I knew,

 

I was completely ready. I let go and withdrew everything from him (from an intellectual and emotional standpoint). I have come light years in my recovery since then.

 

When you are truly ready, this will happen for you too.

 

I know you want to pain to stop, but the pain is the only way that you will eventually get there, as long as you don't prolong it by endlessly fantasizing or listening to weeks of sad breakup music.

[GeorgesIsntAtHome]

Thanks all for the replies, very interesting to read.. and mostly very accurate. I was at a supper tonight and spoke with my sister a lot and she told me a lot of very well-thought and clever things.. and yes it DOES come from a place of low or nonexistant self-esteem, when I look back I was always like that since my teenage, always trying to please and seeking approbation from everyone. I had my moments where it was better and felt like I could take over bigger things, but the feeling of emptyness always came back

 

then she explained an interesting analogy, it's as if you would have the perfect million dollars kitchen, the perfect, top of the line oven, fridge and every appliances that goes with it, but you would have only like one egg in the fridge or very crappy food...

 

then someone rings the door and offers you a pizza, you will take it even though you have everything to make the perfect meal, but you have a void inside and there's nothing there so you fill it with what others give you, even if it's crap..

 

I find it so dead on and really like it, you have to fill your own fridge with great stuff and believe that there's something there, find out who you are in all this..

 

now the hard part is putting that into practice...

Edited November 24, 2013 by GeorgesIsntAtHome

[esteem-jam]

I like the fridge and food analogy. I think its a soft way describing The Big Problem. And the problem unfolded is - as social beings, we look for company.

What if somebody told you your `perfect` kitchen is not so perfect? What if you had version5001 of kitchen, and they show version5002 on TV?

 

 

I think it is fear that people wont come to your place to party (thus excluding you) because you dont have the perfect kitchen, or anything else, outside of this analogy. Nobody wants to be an outcast. You have to believe your kitchen is perfect. Examine your beliefs.