BrokenMan Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Hi all, new here. Wife and I are having trouble. We don't see eye to eye. In a recent email conversation we had a bit of a falling out. She told me not to talk to her anymore about how I felt about anything. I wrote: Unfortunately, I think differently. Something about this makes me feel as if you are discounting my feelings. Also, I feel that my opinions are severely devalued with this request. I understand that you don't want to feel pressure, I don't blame you for that, and I still love you. I think this is a great opportunity for us to problem solve, talk and communicate openly and honestly, learn a lot more about each other, and arrive at a win/win compromise that greatly improves our relationship. Her response: Well we are in disagreement. I think your feelings are important but I don't think it is necessary to share feelings with me if I can't receive them. That is just forcing it and spewing on me. Your opinions are not devalued. I understand them and respect them but my decision is still my decision. If your feelings/opinions stress me out then you are of course still entitled to them but you don't have to discuss them with me. What's right here? Notice I didn't say "who's right here?" We're in therapy, By the way. Thanks for the help in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
THe_Analyzer Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Have you talked to your counselor about this, and asked what he thinks on the matter? When she said, "If your feelings/opinons stress me out then you are of course still entitled to them but you don't have to discuss them with me." That to me basically sounds as if she don't want to hear it because she doesn't want to deal with it. Meaning shes not willing to listen, and listen to your side or how you feel in order to work on the things that need to be worked on. Sounds pretty selfish on her part. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Sounds like she's under stress, and the more you talk about the 'issue' the more stressed she will get. In order for her to WANT to listen about your feelings, you will have to back off. Not act cold, but let her come to you. What are the issues at hand that you are having a disagreement about? I kinda had the same problem, I would just about preach my feelings to her, because I never thought she 'got' it, or cared. I found out it wasn't that, it was that I was being way too demanding. I backed off and let her come to me. When you talk about an issue, do you go on for more than 10 minutes? Sounds like you do don't know how to truly communicate with each other. Do most of your discussions end up in an argument? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Originally posted by BrokenMan I wrote: Unfortunately, I think differently. Something about this makes me feel as if you are discounting my feelings. Also, I feel that my opinions are severely devalued with this request. I understand that you don't want to feel pressure, I don't blame you for that, and I still love you. I think this is a great opportunity for us to problem solve, talk and communicate openly and honestly, learn a lot more about each other, and arrive at a win/win compromise that greatly improves our relationship. Her response: Well we are in disagreement. I think your feelings are important but I don't think it is necessary to share feelings with me if I can't receive them. That is just forcing it and spewing on me. Your opinions are not devalued. I understand them and respect them but my decision is still my decision. If your feelings/opinions stress me out then you are of course still entitled to them but you don't have to discuss them with me. Stay in therapy. Don't push it. She addressed your concern about your feelings being discounted and your opinions devalued. She said she still respects your right to your opinion and your feelings. She also said she is not ready to listen to you and you can't force this with anyone. She has to be ready to listen to you. Forcing yourself on her is kind of a verbal rape -- she's not going to respond with anything but resentment, hurt, and anger. You think that this is an opportunity to problem solve.... but you can't force your schedule on her. Listen to her when she says that you expressing your feelings/opinions is stressing her out - let her take time to analyze her own feelings before she tackles understanding yours. It takes time to heal wounds - be patient. With that said, wait a week (talk to your therapist about all of this) and tell her that you would like to schedule a time to meet and discuss one or two things, she should not leave you hanging forever, and be specific about what you want to discuss. Not just your feelings, but your feeling about a specific subject like who walks the dog or something. Ask her to choose a subject that she would like to talk about also and really listen to her too. This way you both can be prepared for the meeting and the discussion. Maybe wait a week or two before setting up the meeting. Ask your therapist first -- S/he may have a different course of therapy set out for you and this would conflict with that. Its fine to ask for advice or opinions on an internet board, but if you are in counseling then you have to listen to your counselor first and follow his/her plan of action. It could be worse if you mix several forms of therapy together. Has your therapist discussed the listen, reword, repeat method of communication with you? If not, ask about it. I found that to be a great tool in my own communication with my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Originally posted by BrokenMan I wrote: Unfortunately, I think differently. Something about this makes me feel as if you are discounting my feelings. Also, I feel that my opinions are severely devalued with this request. I understand that you don't want to feel pressure, I don't blame you for that, and I still love you. I think this is a great opportunity for us to problem solve, talk and communicate openly and honestly, learn a lot more about each other, and arrive at a win/win compromise that greatly improves our relationship. well, both of you are right. but i need to point out that what you wrote to her was emotional dribble that makes you look like a spineless jellyfish. try to talk less about your feelings and emotions with women vs more. it is females responsiblity to talk about "FEELINGS" and "EMOTIONS", not yours. you need to drink more beer, watch more football and all that manly stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Mira221 Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 LMAO!! "it is females responsibilty to talk about their "FEELINGS" and "EMOTIONS" not yours".....What aload of crap alpha, thats alot of whats wrong with couples these days, the MEN are afraid or lazy and don't want to open up about their "FEELINGS" and "EMOTIONS". Thats what most women like/want/need. Alot of men think it shows a sign of weakness. Notice I said alot of men not ALL men. It doesn't show weakness, it shows they care and are understanding of others needs and wants. But for you alpha go have another beer hun...lol Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Originally posted by Mira221 LMAO!! "it is females responsibilty to talk about their "FEELINGS" and "EMOTIONS" not yours".....What aload of crap alpha, thats alot of whats wrong with couples these days, the MEN are afraid or lazy and don't want to open up about their "FEELINGS" and "EMOTIONS". Thats what most women like/want/need. Alot of men think it shows a sign of weakness. Notice I said alot of men not ALL men. It doesn't show weakness, it shows they care and are understanding of others needs and wants. But for you alpha go have another beer hun...lol I showed my wife all of this, backed off, let her come to me, wasn't cold, was supportive. She left. It's no load of crap. I had a realization last night, while enduring the lie of freedom after separation for yet another isolating night. I am in the same place I have always been with every woman I have ever been with. Alone. discarded. abandoned. I've listened to every relationship "expert," read scores of relationship books, tried to take the high road. ALWAYS OPENED UP to my partners, shared my feelings, offerred my take on my emotions. Women SAY that's what they want, But I don't think there is a woman on the face of the earth that wants to hear the deep, true, honest emotions of an American Man. (without charging $100.00 and hour) I think American women are simply not prepared, and CANNOT understand what goes on inside a man's heart(head). This post is but one of millions of examples. Mine is yet another. Sure Broken, let her come to you, but make even THAT a challenge. Excersize the pinnacle of control - CONTROL YOURSELF! I have to agree with alpha, Broken, you indeed are. Shut your yap NOW, or you'll soon find out just how much she loves you. When you get served. ::::cracking a beer with alpha:::: Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Thing that scares me is she has NOT said I LOVE YOU back. You've poured out your heart to her, told her how you are feeling and she has not done the same. Makes me really wonder wtf is really going on. Back off and just keep busy, consume yourself in work or go out with the boys and let her scout you out when she is ready to talk...But when she IS ready to talk, listen to her and keep an open mind. And keep with the therapy. That is a good thing. Good luck and I do hope it works out. Link to post Share on other sites
Mira221 Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 ......"cracking a beer with alpha"........ Ok Massive thats your opinon and you're entitled to it just as I am, so crack that beer, enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
rble618740 Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Broken Man: I have two thoughts/questions. When you want to discuss your feelings with your wife, do you approach her when you're emotional? In other words, it is one thing to wish to discuss your feelings with your wife, but sometimes your discussion will be more productive and better received if you wait until you're not so emotional about the issue to bring it up. Secondly, do you ever give her notice that you're going to have an emotional/feelings discussion with her? Perhaps you could try saying, I need to talk to you about something - when can you have a heart-to-heart? That way, she isn't blind-sided by an emotionally charged conversation and she feels like she has some control over when she attends to your feelings. Just my humble opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMan Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Thanks everybody for posting your reply. I took the day off work today. I can't explain it, I listened in therapy, did the listen reword repeat. thing, She came to me and told me not to talk about how I felt about ANYTHING. Not even the football game, that's why I posted here in the first place. I only shared with her the things she asked about. and Mira, I was open about my feelings and emotions with her. I never even had a chance I guess. Our therapist was shocked when I told her this morning. SHe left me new years eve. I am completely devastated. Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 I was going to reply, but I can't think of anything to say. I'm so so sorry, Broke, I know . I know. MA Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 I'm really sorry as well. I don't know what else to say but just that. I know no words will comfort you right now but we all do care what happens... Reach out to family and friends to help you through this. Hugs...You need afew right about now. Link to post Share on other sites
mr314man Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 Ouch! BrokenMan. Really. Your heart and soul feel like a skinned knee I bet. Based on the timeline of your posts this looks like a real steep slide from the negative e-mail to New Year's Eve. There's more to this than you are posting, AND/OR there's more to this than she's telling you. Regardless, the gaping hole in your world is horrific. I've been there. WTF is it about Holidays? My D-Day way a Friday 13th, right before Valentines'Day 2004. I wish I'd known about the Loveshack back then. Post away. Do what they posted before me: talk to your friends and family alot. A few might get tired of hearing your $hit all the time, but you have got to lean on those most close to you. I feel your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Mira221 Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 I'm so sorry Broken. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 BrokenMan, Don't base your self-worth on her. She has alot of emotional problems she has to deal with and she needs time to clear out her head. The last thing you want to do is to keep trying to contact her. If you talk to her, tell her that you are here if you want to talk to and then leave it at that. If she comes back and talks, just listen for the time being. However, there is no need to you to accept and tell her you are at fault for everything. She will eventually realize what she has been doing, but it will take time. She's probably going to hit rock bottom before she pulls herself up, but only she can do this. Hang in there, and keep doing things for yourself. It's time to make yourself happy. Link to post Share on other sites
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