He's married, so his terms

[HairTie]

I was seeing a MM, but I'm single. The fact was, I never saw him after 5pm because he had to be back at home with the wife. We always met during the day when it was convenient for him...there were times I wished we could go out at 8pm to the bar on a friday night or something. Have any other OW been bothered by this? It's like: why do I have to meet you for lunch instead of meeting a friend of mine for lunch, but you never make an attempt to see me during a time when you'd usually be at home with her? Obviously because it would be suspicious if you weren't at home, but still...seems like we [other women] get the short end of the stick in all areas of this "relationship".

[Kizza]

I was seeing a MM, but I'm single. The fact was, I never saw him after 5pm because he had to be back at home with the wife. We always met during the day when it was convenient for him...there were times I wished we could go out at 8pm to the bar on a friday night or something. Have any other OW been bothered by this? It's like: why do I have to meet you for lunch instead of meeting a friend of mine for lunch, but you never make an attempt to see me during a time when you'd usually be at home with her? Obviously because it would be suspicious if you weren't at home, but still...seems like we [other women] get the short end of the stick in all areas of this "relationship".

 

Technically his wife is getting the short end of the stick when it comes to this relationship.

 

Being the OW I think you need to understand that being in a relationship like this will have it's restrictions, he is putting himself in a precarious situation because he is the married one and so he of course will not want to raise any suspicions with his wife.

 

I think that if the schedule does not suit you then go and have lunch with your friends and forget about pursuing him.

[RickFox]

It's what you sign up for when you get involved with a married person...... breadcrumbs, stolen moments, residue.

[lollipopspot]

I think you weren't cut out for being an OW, if you couldn't understand and accept that your meeting had to be around his family time.

[HairTie]

I guess I should have also included this in my original post:

 

I have gone NC after realizing I deserve SO much more for myself. There was never a time when I didn't feel guilty or disgusted with myself after seeing him (sometimes even during). After much evaluation, I came to terms with the fact that I was settling being the OW due to being hurt in prior relationships. This is no excuse on my part, just the reasoning behind my actions.

 

I finally understand WHY I did the things I did, and acted the way I acted. I finally understand why I was ok with seeing him when it was convenient for him. I guess what I don't understand is how the MM can be ok with treating any woman that way? How does he not see what is wrong with it all? Pretend to be a part of a happily married family, but seek out other women and give them breadcrumbs?

 

OW tend to be ok with their role as the OW due to insecurity, what the hell is the MM's issue being ok with treating another human being that way? This, of course, pertains to OW who realize that what they are doing to themselves, and the BS is WRONG - those OW involved with MM, calling them "BF's", etc. I just will never understand.

[whichwayisup]

I was seeing a MM, but I'm single. The fact was, I never saw him after 5pm because he had to be back at home with the wife. We always met during the day when it was convenient for him...there were times I wished we could go out at 8pm to the bar on a friday night or something. Have any other OW been bothered by this? It's like: why do I have to meet you for lunch instead of meeting a friend of mine for lunch, but you never make an attempt to see me during a time when you'd usually be at home with her? Obviously because it would be suspicious if you weren't at home, but still...seems like we [other women] get the short end of the stick in all areas of this "relationship".

 

Is he worth it? You may feel attracted to him, and love him but what he is offering you enough? My guess is no.

 

Bolded part. Say NO. Really, if you want to see your friends for lunch, GO. Don't drop everything because he squishes you in when he can. Stop making him a high priority, even if that means you miss spending a lunch or two with him. He certainly isn't making you a high priority in his life.

 

And yes, you are getting the short end of the stick. I say either end it and find yourself a great single guy who will take you out on Fri and Sat night IN public and love only you - Or, accept that you're second fiddle to your MM and just enjoy the times you do spend together, put less expectations on him and also accept that it's just an affair, not a long lasting relationship.

[whichwayisup]

I guess what I don't understand is how the MM can be ok with treating any woman that way? How does he not see what is wrong with it all? Pretend to be a part of a happily married family, but seek out other women and give them breadcrumbs?

 

Because it's all about him. Many men (single or married) can separate love and sex. Your MM, like many other MM and even MW's, are just plain selfish. That's why. They feel entitled to do as they please, put themselves first above their families and believe they won't get caught. A guy (married or not) can have casual sex and have it mean absolutely nothing. It is what it is.. Also, throw in the fact that they could be bored at home and enjoy the ego feed, having a woman lust after them, give them lots of affection and attention, a woman may not see his flaws and he loves that. It's all about him. What that is, is a broken and selfish man.

 

Good that you're in NC. You are worth so much more! His loss, not yours.

[I'mNotYours]

We always met during the day when it was convenient for him...there were times I wished we could go out at 8pm to the bar on a friday night or something. Have any other OW been bothered by this?

 

Yes! I wasn't allowed to call and we never went out, because he was scared that someone saw us. He wasn't satisfied with it either and that's also one of the main reasons the A ended.

 

I wasn't allowed to say what I want and need. It was 100 % on his terms. I will never ever be in a relationship like that again..married man or single.

[Daisy2013]

Yes! I wasn't allowed to call and we never went out, because he was scared that someone saw us. He wasn't satisfied with it either and that's also one of the main reasons the A ended.

 

I wasn't allowed to say what I want and need. It was 100 % on his terms. I will never ever be in a relationship like that again..married man or single.

 

It is difficult to be on only their terms. Our A was the same way. Never in public and always on the fly. While he did encourage me to say how I felt, he was always open about that, the calls and visits were always on his terms, as well as the R. I could never call his cell because I could never be sure he accidentally left it at home. He never did, but I couldn't know that. I could call him at work, but I chose not to accept on rare occasions when he asked me to touch base as I was leaving work so we could meet up. I learned to just sit tight in the seasons he was uncomfortable and going cold and was ready again when he was. That's not fun or fair.

 

Glad you were able to stop. You deserve a real R.

[GypsumSatellite]

I was seeing a MM, but I'm single. The fact was, I never saw him after 5pm because he had to be back at home with the wife. We always met during the day when it was convenient for him...there were times I wished we could go out at 8pm to the bar on a friday night or something. Have any other OW been bothered by this?

 

Doing the majority of dates during the daytime has its advantages, though. If you want to go hiking, it's better to do that during the day. If you want to go see a film, it's cheaper during the early hours. If you want to explore the city, you can see everything with some sunlight.

 

I was only bothered by it because he was expecting total exclusivity with me. Then when he said I should date around because in his eyes he lives with another woman (not a W, yeah he's a gem), he got territorial about things. Then he relaxed again whenever I stopped trying to date around. Ha!

 

Then there were surprise dates where he DID come out after 5pm. Or he'd invite me over when the family was gone. Or we would go on a overnight trip on a weekend. The only reason he could do that was because his W and kids were otherwise away from home, not because he was saying "Later!" and going out with me.

 

He gets enough from his home life that he won't need you (in general) when the family's there. He gets the best of both worlds. To survive as an single OW (if you want to) you have to have the best of both worlds, too. Don't give up your life, go to lunch with your friends when you want to and he can catch you on another day.

 

If I had it to do all over again, I would have told him to expect exclusivity with me when he can offer the same.

[Cinnimon]

It doesn't have to be on his terms. You can have your own terms. Of course more than likely he'd end it but you can have your own terms.