An update on my relationship

[Daisy2013]

As I've written it has been on and off, he goes cold and hot, wants to just be friends, then more, continuing to tell me he loves me, but won't go through another D.

 

I saw him again this week. He reiterated his feelings and how he is just playing house (whatever that means) and is unhappy, loves me, blah, blah. But this time he finally had the guts to admit "I can't give you what you want and you deserve better." And then he asked if I'd be ok with us the way things are, continuing our A. In the past he's always led me to believe we might be together someday.

 

At first, I said yes and that's what this has always been, no pressure. But as I think about it, I've decided no. He's told me there is no future, so I should believe him. Suddenly for the first time, I feel strengthened from within. There is no point proceeding in the A for me. I love him and can't just play until he calls it quits. If he called it quits, this could go on for years as it's been more than 2 now. I will be his friend, and he can still call me to talk, but I won't be his escape from reality anymore. He said our R is real, but it is an escape. But in the end, regardless of all he has said about how he feels, he hasn't chosen me. So I will bow out. A recent thread by a cake eater man really made me think. What he said was almost verbatim of what I'm going through and how my AP probably thinks.

 

I've decided to work on me, get my life straight. My M is bad and has been for years. My H puts no effort or investment into us and I'd given up trying long before the A. It was my exit and I thought my mOM was exiting as well, by the things he told me, and he started this thing. I did not, but I fell for it. My friend said he'd long been grooming me for years, (as we were close friends before the A), whatever that means, and I bought it. But I accept my part in responding and take my blame.

 

Anyhow, this year I will work on myself, determine if this M can be saved, see if I can get my H to show interest, and if not, start planning and when my youngest graduates in 2014, move on. I won't go into our M, I posted a long thread sometime back in the divorce section, I believe.

[bentleychic]

Good luck, Daisy. I wish you the best.

[thecharade]

You and your M remind me of me and my M. I love your clear and strong thinking. It will give you the life you want. You are all you've ever needed--you just had to realize it.

 

Best wishes.

[Daisy2013]

Thank you both for the well wishes. I really do love him. I have a tough exterior and he broke through it, and he acknowledges how how soft I am on the inside and treasures that we can be vulnerable with each other; we can't at home. I'm not open with most people. He's the only person I've ever cried tears of plain joy when I'm with him; yesterday I burst into tears and sobbing overcome with just pure love and emotion. Just happy to be with him. He likes that I can feel that way about him and be free to show it. It embarrassed me as I've never burst like that before, usually just happy tears.

 

But, I never wanted to be a long term side piece, I thought I would be with him one day. But I'm excited as I said, to discover me. All I ever wanted was to be loved. That starts with myself I'm figuring out.