Need someone to talk to….I'm panicking.

[jc63]

This is getting harder everyday. One moment I'm hopeful and I know in my heart that I'm going to get her back and the next minute, I feel that she's just too far gone.

 

It's been the worst 3 weeks of my life without her. She left the house while I'm here looking at our pictures and memories. She's not posting on social media, she hid her marital status. For all I know, she's taken her ring off and has been talking to lawyers for the past week, I DON'T KNOW!

 

Yet, for all I know, she's hurting as much as I am but refuses to admit it and stays surrounded by friends that could be talking her into divorce. I've been working my ass off to try and change things for me, her, and our future family but I don't know if she's notice or even cares.

 

I've been worrying more and more about her having an affair. You can read from my last couple posts that I was not a very good husband, but I was ALWAYS loyal to her and never thought about other women.

 

I'm here alone with no one but my dogs, I'm trying to find work, an apartment, figure out how I'm going to continue school, and I feel like she's out on the town forgetting that the past two years ever happened. There may have been some rough times (including now) but we've had a great love, friendship, and marriage.

 

I don't know what her family's told her, I don't know what her friends have told her, and I don't know what she's told them.

 

We've been going to counseling separately for the past month and our first appointment together is in two weeks. I don't know if her insurance is going to cover anymore appointments after that so our entire future and fate rests on one hour, a one hour appointment could be all that we have left.

 

To add to the stress, she's leaving for Florida in Jan. for 3 months. I'll be here working and going to school and wondering if she's coming home to me and we're going to continue counseling. Wondering if she's coming home at all.

 

I'm lonely, depressed, anxious, and I feel like I'm going to drown in guilt from pushing her away. I know that if we end up divorced, it'll be my fault because I had an amazing woman and I pushed her away.

 

I don't know who to talk to. It's saturday night and my friends and family have lives. I'm trying to stay strong and positive and focus on myself and change the ****ty behaviors I've had for so long. No matter what happens, I am going to be a different person. However, it hurts so bad because I'm supposed to be by her side forever and be a better person for her, too.

 

I don't know how to make her miss me, I don't know how to reconnect, I don't know if counseling is going to help, I don't know if she just wants to go to counseling so she'll know that I'll be okay without her, I don't know if she's all over another man right now, and I don't know if I'll make it without her.

 

I just need someone to talk to.

I'm mentally exhausted but I can't focus on anything else

 

I need wisdom, tough love, encouragement, support

I don't care, just someone talk to me

[AZtragedy]

 

 

 

I'm lonely, depressed, anxious, and I feel like I'm going to drown in guilt from pushing her away. I know that if we end up divorced, it'll be my fault because I had an amazing woman and I pushed her away.

 

I don't know who to talk to. It's saturday night and my friends and family have lives. I'm trying to stay strong and positive and focus on myself and change the ****ty behaviors I've had for so long. No matter what happens, I am going to be a different person. However, it hurts so bad because I'm supposed to be by her side forever and be a better person for her, too.

 

I don't know how to make her miss me, I don't know how to reconnect, I don't know if counseling is going to help, I don't know if she just wants to go to counseling so she'll know that I'll be okay without her, I don't know if she's all over another man right now, and I don't know if I'll make it without her.

 

I just need someone to talk to.

I'm mentally exhausted but I can't focus on anything else

 

I need wisdom, tough love, encouragement, support

I don't care, just someone talk to me

 

 

I can understand what you mean, because I am feeling a lot of these same feelings. For me, they are worst on Saturday nights because my wayward wife and I always had "date night" every Saturday night for 16+ years. She very suddenly left me and moved in with some other guy she works with, and now I am alone with my cat.

 

I too, feel mentally exhausted and cannot focus on anything else. I think these sorts of feelings are natural, and OK to feel so down.... Some might disagree, and encourage us to distract ourselves and do anything to shift the focus. That has its place. But over the past 7 weeks, I know that I HAVE to feel these feelings and really experience them, because this stuff is so important.

 

If we do not experience these emotions now, they will come out in a more harmful, negative way some other time.

 

I have not "improved" much, if at all, since my wife left me 7+ weeks ago. But I am confronting and "dealing with" these feelings head-on, because that is all we can really do. I am with you all the way on these horrible, fearful emotions. They are real, and they hurt so much. It is natural and human to respond to pain this way. It means we really do feel things, and are not dead inside, like many out in the world seem to be.

[jc63]

I know that she loved me so much and I didn't give back. I love her with all my heart and soul and I always did. I told her everyday, but I didn't show her.

 

I'm changing. I never thought that if she ever left, I would take it this bad. I knew it would hurt, but not like this. I have another counseling appointment by myself on Monday, but that seems like an eternity. And I don't know what my W has told the counselor.

 

I asked her the other day if she wanted to save our marriage and she said yes. But I don't know if she's just lying to me and saving the divorce bomb for our first counseling appointment.

 

I need to go to sleep but I know there's no way I'll be able to. All I've been able to do is sit here and wait for replies on this damn forum. I feel pathetic.

[AZtragedy]

I know that she loved me so much and I didn't give back. I love her with all my heart and soul and I always did. I told her everyday, but I didn't show her.

 

I'm changing. I never thought that if she ever left, I would take it this bad. I knew it would hurt, but not like this. I have another counseling appointment by myself on Monday, but that seems like an eternity. And I don't know what my W has told the counselor.

 

I asked her the other day if she wanted to save our marriage and she said yes. But I don't know if she's just lying to me and saving the divorce bomb for our first counseling appointment.

 

I need to go to sleep but I know there's no way I'll be able to. All I've been able to do is sit here and wait for replies on this damn forum. I feel pathetic.

 

 

I know....it is hard to find support anyplace.

 

She said she wanted to save the marriage, so that is something. As for what your wife told the counselor - that is just unknown. I certainly wish I knew what my wife has said about me, and our situation, but there is just no way to know what someone is saying or thinking.

 

I don't really have any advice, all I can say is that these emotions are terribly difficult to be experiencing. Please know that myself and others like you are having very similar thoughts and feelings right now, too.

[Balzac]

How long have you been married?

[alonefornow]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Your pain is palpable. I'll start trite: you will get through this. One day at a time. Sometimes it will be better, and unfortunately sometimes it will be worse, but you will get through this. Now for the more long-winded not trite part.

 

Your posts have two themes. The first is not knowing what your wife is doing, what she's saying, what people are saying to her, or what she's thinking. The second is you not knowing what to do for you. These are actually two sides of the same coin, and a coin that will burn you up if you are not careful. That coin is thinking that there is something, anything you can do to fix all of this and make the pain go away.

 

You can't.

 

Your wife is going to do what she's going to do, and unfortunately you will never know everything she does and thinks. There are no answers going down that path. Similarly you can't look to yourself to see what you can do with the intent of repairing the relationship, because that answer doesn't exist. What you should do is look to relinquish the control you think you need to have in order to fix everything.

 

I don't know how to make her miss me, I don't know how to reconnect, I don't know if counseling is going to help, I don't know if she just wants to go to counseling so she'll know that I'll be okay without her, I don't know if she's all over another man right now, and I don't know if I'll make it without her.

 

It is not your responsibility to make her miss you. It is not your responsibility to reconnect. It is not your responsibility to make sure counseling helps. It is not your responsibility to know her motivations for counseling. It is not your responsibility to check up on her activities. BUT it is your responsibility to be able to make it without her. You can and you will.

 

Keep your focus on what you can control: yourself. Good luck.

[KathyM]

I know that she loved me so much and I didn't give back. I love her with all my heart and soul and I always did. I told her everyday, but I didn't show her.

 

I'm changing. I never thought that if she ever left, I would take it this bad. I knew it would hurt, but not like this. I have another counseling appointment by myself on Monday, but that seems like an eternity. And I don't know what my W has told the counselor.

 

I asked her the other day if she wanted to save our marriage and she said yes. But I don't know if she's just lying to me and saving the divorce bomb for our first counseling appointment.

 

I need to go to sleep but I know there's no way I'll be able to. All I've been able to do is sit here and wait for replies on this damn forum. I feel pathetic.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Try to stay hopeful as much as possible. Your wife said she wants to try to save the marriage, and that's a positive sign that she is motivated, and it sounds like you are very motivated to make whatever changes are needed to save your marriage. Try not to worry so much about what she is telling the counselor, or who she might be seeing, and stay focused on working on the issues and taking responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the marriage. I think one of the mistakes a couple makes when going to marriage counseling is they rehash a lot of little annoyances/grievances, and it masks the real issues. Or they blame the other partner rather than taking responsibility for their own part in the breakdown of the marriage. Try to avoid the petty stuff. Don't blame your wife at the counseling sessions, just take responsibility for your mistakes and voice your commitment for working on the marriage. Do focus on the positives about why you love your wife, and work on building back the positives that may have been neglected or abandoned. Be the man that she fell in love with, and show your commitment to working on the marriage. Above all, keep your temper under control and be careful of the words you use. An angry, blaming and disrespectful man is not going to get very far in getting his partner back. I'm not sure what all the issues were in your marriage, but now is the time to show her you can change and you will change, and it can start by how you conduct yourself in the counseling sessions. Good luck. I hope it works out for you.

[Grumpybutfun]

jc:

I hope that every man who took advantage of his wife, made her financially and emotionally support him and gave nothing back is reading this thread. Yes, you are in pain, but I imagine this is what your wife has felt like for a very long time. You ignored her pleas, you were a musician and then quit your dream because you didn't like it anymore all the while your wife had sacrificed so much to support you through all of this. I think you are lucky she is even giving you another chance to prove yourself.

 

AZ's wife left him for another man after losing weight and going after something new because of her new body. He did nothing wrong. Yours left because she needed a husband and you were just a boy involved with what you wanted and needed while ignoring her basic needs. You did very little right.

 

Maybe it is time to really try to be a man now. Really devote yourself to seeing things through her eyes and stop making this about you, but about a wife you ignored, took for granted and neglected for years. First step, be happy for her nursing venture because this is a great opportunity and responsibility for her.

 

Does that just about cover the tough love portion for you? I encourage you to see yourself in her shoes and ask yourself what you would need if you were her and then to stop thinking about it and act. Do it for her, but most of all do it for yourself because few other women are going to emotionally and financially support you like she has while you actively neglect and ignore them.

Grumps

[trippi1432]

Since there are multiple threads...posting here as well, my response to the previous one:

 

The confusion is that you are analyzing the "crumbs".

 

Her not wanting to "lead you on" is because she has doubts, about you, about herself and the marriage, about what she wants for herself now....you had your time thinking about you, the least you could do is support her decision to follow this nursing opportunity for three months. SHE is not MAKING you confused, YOU ARE doing this to yourself by trying to read into every little thing.

 

These things are always confusing.....if you want to do something completely unselfish, be happy for her opportunity and don't add to her stress. Stay in contact by ASKING her if it's okay to check in with her to see how she is and don't overdo it. Give her room to breath and just be honestly happy for her. I say this because doing this honestly is something you are going to have to dig deep in yourself and let go of selfishness to do.

 

I'm not going to thump you on the head for your music, I am in the music business indirectly, but I will tell you that I have seen a lot of men in the industry who were devoted husbands and fathers. I'm not talking about ones who makes millions on a tour, I'm talking about local musicians in my town. They hold down daytime jobs and play music many times a week because it is their passion. And the ones who are married and raising kids WITH their wives and support their wives own passions, have more clout in my book than those who play to pay their bar tab.

 

I'm in a band, music has been my passion since I was four years old....it went on the side-burner for over 20 years basically as I was raising kids and living life. And I can attest that all of that is much harder than being a low-paying musician living out of a suitcase. And, as a woman, I did all of that (putting family first) with very next to nothing in support (emotional support) from either of my ExH's, but family came before music and I don't regret nor hold that against any of them. The music business is HARD!!!!! You lost your passion? Who doesn't in that industry? There are many musicians who are happy just being ASCAP and BMI certified to be a background musician recording in a studio and not going on tour, and then there are those that just want to tour, for the excitement...etc. "Being a music man ain't all it's cracked up to be"...there is some "romance" to that, but honestly, life happens around you and that is where you typically lose yourself to depression. You have to be both in YOUR life and in YOUR passion and that takes a balance that you just haven't learned yet.

 

I have a VERY talented friend of mine that should have a record deal, he works a full time job by day, plays music five nights a week, supports (not financially...he nurtures and supports) his wife as a photographer and they raise their children in a loving home. His wife loves him and supports him because she feels loved and supported. They have a genuine concern for each other and believe in protecting and caring about each other.....

 

........and then there is the 180, where you agree with everything she says, lose weight, quit the band because you don't want to or know how to have a healthy balance, you just want back what you lost and think that is going to get you there. Nah, my ex-BF is the bass player in my band, he tried the whole agree with me thing when he wanted to skirt the real issues and waddled between blaming my kids and blaming himself. If you are guilty, okay, agree. It makes the one moving on feel better about their decision, if you need to do some changing and see their point of view, then agree and make positive changes for YOU...not to get them back, but to be a better YOU....with or without anyone else....when you respect yourself, others will respect you too.

Edited November 24, 2013 by trippi1432

[jc63]

We've been married for 2 years, we're both 24.

 

I feel that the changes I've made, especially the weight loss, are changes that will last forever. I want a different lifestyle and I know she does to. I lost my passion for music because I was tired of missing my wife, family, and friends and I began thinking more about just being a devoted husband and future father. I'm the kind of guy that can be just as happy playing music in my living room as playing on a stage. It wasn't my dream anymore, my dream was to finish school, get a great job, be her husband and raise her kids.

 

I know we've had some bad time, but we've also had some really great times. She's my best friend and the love of my life who's supported me through everything imaginable. I couldn't support her because I was alway gone on the road. She's told my that there's no question that I could make her happy and be a good husband and father, but her not being attracted to me is a big deal that we have to have that before she comes home. But I just don't know what a month of little contact is doing to her, especially when I see her out with friends having a good time.

 

I do support her nursing adventure. Not only because she deserves the break from me, but she doesn't get along too well with most of her family and I know she wants a break from them too. But part of me wants to go find her, drag her home, lock the door, and refuse for either one of us to leave until we decide we're together or divorced. We've done that once when we were dating, we stayed up all night fighting and discussing and crying until we decided that we did belong together.

 

I just know that if I had not been gone so much and if I had been there for her more when I was home, we would not be in this situation. I had an amazing woman and an amazing love and I've let her slip through my fingers. I just need to find a way to make her see that we do belong together and she will never see the person I was when she left again.

[ozzie10538]

I have to say, I agree with Grumpy. I can relate because I was that guy!

 

We started off amazingly well. We both had "adequate" jobs but after six years of living together I was made redundant. The problems didn't start there by any means. She was very supportive both emotionally and physically. The problem started when I sat back and let my ex, in essence, take care of me.

 

I also had dreams of becoming a guitar teacher, but having very little money and little ambition it seemed so far away.

 

When we split, which was only three months ago, I was inconsolable. I still have bad days but what really made me snap out of the whole "ambition struggle" was taking the time to see things through my ex's eyes. It was like an epiphany.

She was basically a carer while I sorted myself out which I never would have done had we stayed together. Now, I'm on the correct path!

 

My advice is don't see this as a negative, see it as an opportunity. There will be dark days but ultimately, it was for the best.

 

Give me a shout on here should you need to chat.

 

Oz.