Guys that love thrill of the chase....but then lose interest

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm sorry, but what are your ages? ES? Are the type of men you're dating in their 20s? 30s? Are they still having fun being single? Divorced? Men who have children? I mean, I see this happening with guys who are still single, young and playing the field, so far more likely to be commitment-phobes. Don't want to commit, chase, have sex, conquer....move one to the next possible conquest.

 

All the men have been this way for you ladies that go through this?

 

I am in early 30s and date men from late 20s to early 30s. Generally never married and no kids. I don't know why men do it. Seems like a total waste of time to me.

[soccerrprp]

I am in early 30s and date men from late 20s to early 30s. Generally never married and no kids. I don't know why men do it. Seems like a total waste of time to me.

 

I really believe men at these ages are simply not ready to settle down or commit. Still having fun. Of course not all men are like this, but guys this young are much more likely to enjoy the conquest and then move on.

 

For guys who are looking for gals, we don't have to deal with such mentally nearly as much as you gals do. I found a beautiful, elegant, woman and that was that for me....I found another and that's that for me.

 

I blame the age and maturity in your case....

[Eternal Sunshine]

I really believe men at these ages are simply not ready to settle down or commit. Still having fun. Of course not all men are like this, but guys this young are much more likely to enjoy the conquest and then move on.

 

For guys who are looking for gals, we don't have to deal with such mentally nearly as much as you gals do. I found a beautiful, elegant, woman and that was that for me....I found another and that's that for me.

 

I blame the age and maturity in your case....

 

I think that most women want a relationship as opposed to casual sex. My brother for example was one of the rare relationship oriented men from his early 20s and he never had a problem finding the same.

 

Most men want casual sex. They realize that any woman can have casual sex 5 times a day just by walking down the street. So why would she have casual sex with him? It's easier to lead her down the garden path of fake promises...some or perhaps most do this unconsciously.

[Joaquin]

Everyone faces rejection. It's part of the dating process.

 

I don't think its necessary to try and put labels on these guys or ascribe some deep meaning to the whole thing.

 

They just weren't into u enough to want more. The timing of their departure really is irrelevant.

 

If a guy really fancies a girl and likes being with them they tend to stick around. Its really that simple.

[RedRobin]

Simple solution. Don't date guys who have a recent history of casual sex or FWB. You'll eliminate a lot of the guys with double standards and commitment phobes that way.

 

The 'bad' news for you... is that the ones who are less experienced but more genuine and serious tend to bore you... They haven't gotten the suave moves down enough for you maybe, or don't inspire the 'swoony' feelings that the sweet-talking romancers might...

 

I know you are working hard to unlock that dynamic. It's not hard to stop caring about the sweet-talking romancers... just like it's not that hard to stop any bad habit once you see the pattern... especially when you know the outcome.. no matter how appealing they try to make things in the early stages.

[RedRobin]

ES:

I have no data on this phenomena, because if a girl I liked (back in the day) was starting to open up, I would find that to be the fascinating part of the romance.

Best,

Grumps

 

... and yet all the women you were with before your wife were only FWB... and your wife made you wait for marriage until sex... if memory serves.

 

Maybe you can explain the disconnect?? Because I'm pretty sure ES is not interested in marriage... most aren't interested in waiting until marriage... and plenty don't want to be FWB either...no matter how charming the guy might be.

 

In fact, I think you are the perfect person to explain this dynamic, since the women opening up to YOU emotionally before your wife was not sufficient for you to commit to them. (fingers tapping)

[Woggle]

One of the problems is that all good men like you are taken

 

I don't think you want a man like me. Have you read my posts when I am in a bad mood?

 

Anyway sadly for both men and women the more you get into your 30s the harder it is to find good quality single people. They are out there though and in order to make it work you have to be in a state of mind to appreciate it.

[Woggle]

Late 20s and early 30s if still single is when men hit that age where they are tired of being the nice guy that gets dumped and decide to start giving players but that is also when many women get sick of the bad boys and want something more serious so there tends to be a disconnect.

[antonio1149]

I am in early 30s and date men from late 20s to early 30s. Generally never married and no kids. I don't know why men do it. Seems like a total waste of time to me.

 

Couple of problems: first, most guys in that range are still in "not settling down" mode. They may want a "relationship" (regular sex, affection, companionship), but this doesn't necessarily mean they want something long-term (in most cases, not). So as soon as they sense you're going in that direction, their guilt about leading you on overcomes their enjoyment of the benefits you provide and they cut things off. There's plenty of time for them to keep doing this over and over for a while with new women.

 

Second (even bigger problem): sounds like you're mostly going for younger men. I know it must be exciting and flattering for you, but it's a high-risk approach. Contrary to the popular beliefs of some, and Ashton Kutcher notwithstanding, most guys in the their 20's are not that excited about a life-long commitment to a woman in her 30's, especially if they are attractive and charming and have lots of options. (We know what happened with Ashton and Demi). Men generally like younger women. How about adjusting your range upwards to encompass guys 3 to 6 years older than you? You are far more likely to find guys looking for a commitment and who think you are an appropriate age for them.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Simple solution. Don't date guys who have a recent history of casual sex or FWB. You'll eliminate a lot of the guys with double standards and commitment phobes that way.

 

The 'bad' news for you... is that the ones who are less experienced but more genuine and serious tend to bore you... They haven't gotten the suave moves down enough for you maybe, or don't inspire the 'swoony' feelings that the sweet-talking romancers might...

 

I know you are working hard to unlock that dynamic. It's not hard to stop caring about the sweet-talking romancers... just like it's not that hard to stop any bad habit once you see the pattern... especially when you know the outcome.. no matter how appealing they try to make things in the early stages.

 

RR - I am kind of getting sick of the sweet talking romancers. There is only so many times you can stand hearing that it's all BS.

[xxoo]

If you want a relationship, you need to filter out the non-relationship type guys. Filter out guys who don't have a history of committed relationships.

 

The problem is that those guys are looking for relationship-type women. For both men and women, if you've spent many years single, it's going to stick out like a red flag to someone who is commitment minded. You may need to work on being attractive to that type of guy (not a matter of looks).

[RedRobin]

Couple of problems: first, most guys in that range are still in "not settling down" mode. They may want a "relationship" (regular sex, affection, companionship), but this doesn't necessarily mean they want something long-term (in most cases, not). So as soon as they sense you're going in that direction, their guilt about leading you on overcomes their enjoyment of the benefits you provide and they cut things off. There's plenty of time for them to keep doing this over and over for a while with new women.

 

Second (even bigger problem): sounds like you're mostly going for younger men. I know it must be exciting and flattering for you, but it's a high-risk approach. Contrary to the popular beliefs of some, and Ashton Kutcher notwithstanding, most guys in the their 20's are not that excited about a life-long commitment to a woman in her 30's, especially if they are attractive and charming and have lots of options. (We know what happened with Ashton and Demi). Men generally like younger women. How about adjusting your range upwards to encompass guys 3 to 6 years older than you? You are far more likely to find guys looking for a commitment and who think you are an appropriate age for them.

 

With reference to the above...

 

OP, with all due respect, I don't believe that adjusting your age range upwards will make any difference whatsoever. It only benefits 'men' who seek to avoid commitment longer and longer. Because they have the sense that they can use women throughout their 20's and 30's and settle in with a younger woman when they get around to it.

 

Anyway, there are people of good character who are more responsible in their interactions than the 'men' people here describe. I think you just need to work harder at sorting them out in advance (ie before sex)

 

If you are looking for someone who has never been married and doesn't have kids, then your age range is definitely appropriate.

 

Also, I've been meaning to add this... people who are commitment minded (in general) are looking to marry or are at least open to marriage. You may need to reevaluate your thoughts on this if you want to attract a relationship/commitment minded person. With your philosophy and background, you may be leaving the impression that you are just out for good times and that's it.

[carhill]

Guys that love thrill of the chase....but then lose interest

I have had this pattern happen over and over again.

 

OP, unless you're proactively pursuing these men, you are left with selecting amongst those who approach you and, if ten approach and you chose one, you have made an active choice based on criteria and 'feelings' which are completely within yourself and your control. The men are generally interchangeable if, as you say, this is a 'pattern'.

 

My only advice would be to make different choices at the start and observe the results.

 

As you've shared in the past, you personally prefer men who show consistent high interest from first meeting. That's your criteria. Men who don't immediately show consistent high interest are excluded. That's your choice. I also recall you attempting to choose differently but have difficulty with your own feelings in such instances, apparently, if viewed simplistically, in that your feelings become a mirror of their own. If their apparent interest is moderate or low, yours is similar. If high, similar. This is based upon your perception of their interest by your own criteria regarding their interest.

 

As with most things in life, many choices present themselves. Good luck.

[Ariadne]

some guys would persist for months of "wooing" and basically convince me that they are serious...as soon as I genuinely warm up and return interest they start pulling away

 

Hey ES,

 

I think this guy Matthew Hussey has a good

on this.

 

Looking great btw!

[RedRobin]

RR - I am kind of getting sick of the sweet talking romancers. There is only so many times you can stand hearing that it's all BS.

 

I know. It hurts and is exhausting to feel like we have to be on the defensive all the time rather than expect the other person to just be honest and straightforward.

 

That video I posted awhile back "How to Spot a Liar" started out with a pretty compelling message.

 

"Lying is a cooperative act"...

 

What makes the sweet-talking romancing so compelling, is because we want to believe we are loved and loveable... and special. It is that need that these charming people tap into.

 

"If you don't want to be deceived, you have to know what it is you are hungry for"

 

oh... and interestingly...

 

"Men lie 8 times more about themselves than other people. Women lie to protect others"

[Eternal Sunshine]

RR - I am not dead set against marriage. I am just undecided and cautious.

[Sanman]

I think you have it wrong from the get go. Being only half interested drives many of the good guys away and leaves the conquest guys. I used to date women who were more closed off at the beginning. It always ended with me feeling like I was doing all the hard emotional work and getting short changed. By the time they opened up, I was already fed up with the situation. When I met the right person, it was easy from the beginning. It should be easy. If you aren't open to it, the honest relationship minded men will just move on to a woman who is. That leaves you with the guys who like a challenge, but then get bored or frustrated. Just a thought from the male counterpoint.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think you have it wrong from the get go. Being only half interested drives many of the good guys away and leaves the conquest guys. I used to date women who were more closed off at the beginning. It always ended with me feeling like I was doing all the hard emotional work and getting short changed. By the time they opened up, I was already fed up with the situation. When I met the right person, it was easy from the beginning. It should be easy. If you aren't open to it, the honest relationship minded men will just move on to a woman who is. That leaves you with the guys who like a challenge, but then get bored or frustrated. Just a thought from the male counterpoint.

 

I still don't think that's the problem.. The guys I talk about had no committed relationships so it obviously isn't just me. They are either players or commitment phobes (if they are not attractive enough to be players).

[Sanman]

I still don't think that's the problem.. The guys I talk about had no committed relationships so it obviously isn't just me. They are either players or commitment phobes (if they are not attractive enough to be players).

 

Yes, but that is the type of men you are drawing to yourself. When I was dating those type of women, I wasn't really serious about commitment either. As I became more serious, I would have walked away from a woman that was not initially enthusiastic about me immediately (even before date 1). The reason is that whether you or he realizes it or not, that initial disinterest signals that you are not looking for a serious relationship or, at least, not ready for one. Thus the pool of men you find yourself left with. I used to do this to myself as a way of handicapping myself because I was very career oriented. In the back of my mind, I was always picking women I would never marry at that time. When I was ready, my mentality changed.

[antonio1149]

OP, with all due respect, I don't believe that adjusting your age range upwards will make any difference whatsoever.

 

Then you are not being realistic about the way the world works. Assuming the OP is--say--32, she has a much better chance of finding a settling-down type guy who's 37 than one who's 27 (and even if the 27-year-old is open to settling down, he is most likely looking to do it with someone 23 or 24, since most guys want younger women as life-long partners.)

 

It only benefits 'men' who seek to avoid commitment longer and longer. Because they have the sense that they can use women throughout their 20's and 30's and settle in with a younger woman when they get around to it.

 

So if I understand this correctly, your approach would be to "punish" the guys in the appropriate age range because the fact they're yet unmarried proves they've been users and players, and to "reward" the guys in their 20's by dating them despite the fact they are most likely just younger versions of the guys you wish to punish? That doesn't sound like a winning strategy to me.

 

Like it or not, if you want the younger, hotter charming guys in their 20's (which sounds like OP's target group), you *are* going to be facing more non-committal types.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yes, but that is the type of men you are drawing to yourself. When I was dating those type of women, I wasn't really serious about commitment either. As I became more serious, I would have walked away from a woman that was not initially enthusiastic about me immediately (even before date 1). The reason is that whether you or he realizes it or not, that initial disinterest signals that you are not looking for a serious relationship or, at least, not ready for one. Thus the pool of men you find yourself left with. I used to do this to myself as a way of handicapping myself because I was very career oriented. In the back of my mind, I was always picking women I would never marry at that time. When I was ready, my mentality changed.

 

I am clearly selecting wrong men. You are correct about that. Something needs to change.

[d0nnivain]

In college I was a girl like that. I always went after the so called players. I loved the chase. It was so much fun . . . it was part power trip, part ego boost, part immaturity but god did I have a blast. The minute he started to get serious, I was outta there like a shot. The last thing I wanted was a serious BF. I was terrified that a LTR relationship would derail my plans for grad school & a career.

 

 

Ironically, as much of a player as I was in college, I was a serial monogamist post grad. I'd have these very long relationships spanning multiple years.

 

 

I agree with the poster who said that if you constantly end up with guys like this, your picker is off. Some people just have bad pickers. One of my BFFs figured that out about herself. She then made a plan. The next time she connected with somebody across a room & felt that instant pull, she made it a point to talk to his BFF / wingman. It worked. She got married to a great guy shortly after implementing that strategy. His buddy for whom my friend felt that zing is still single 15 years later.

[joystickd]

I will agree you pick the wrong men. It doesn't mean they are players or afraid of commitment. They are feeding off of you. The actions they take are merely a reaction to you. Imagine the situation from their point of view. How would you feel if that was you? The best thing for anyone is that if they are unsure about someone it's best to just end it because you are only wasting that person's time. They could be going on to find someone that is actually sure about their interest.

[RedRobin]

Then you are not being realistic about the way the world works. Assuming the OP is--say--32, she has a much better chance of finding a settling-down type guy who's 37 than one who's 27 (and even if the 27-year-old is open to settling down, he is most likely looking to do it with someone 23 or 24, since most guys want younger women as life-long partners.)

 

... oh, I'm plenty realistic. The OP has every reason to want to bond with a man who is at a similar life stage as she is.

 

So if I understand this correctly, your approach would be to "punish" the guys in the appropriate age range because the fact they're yet unmarried proves they've been users and players, and to "reward" the guys in their 20's by dating them despite the fact they are most likely just younger versions of the guys you wish to punish? That doesn't sound like a winning strategy to me.

 

I don't think the older ones are necessarily better than the younger ones, is what I'm saying. It's a stereotype that lots like to project because it benefits them... "hey, young lady. Pick me because I'm more stable and established and willing to commit to you." Baloney.

 

Like it or not, if you want the younger, hotter charming guys in their 20's (which sounds like OP's target group), you *are* going to be facing more non-committal types

.

 

Ok. whatever. There are good people in every age group. Fine. Still, if she wants someone at a similar life stage (unmarried with no kids) she has a better shot at the younger age group. She has every right to go younger just like the guys do. "Like it or not"

[truth_seeker]

I am clearly selecting wrong men. You are correct about that. Something needs to change.

 

I have a cousin and for years I'd see a different boyfriend at family parties. For a while I lost count! She finally met a guy and they got married.

 

At the wedding all I heard were stories of her complaining how every guy she dated was a loser. Every single one of them was a bad guy. I like my cousin but I had to wonder, every guy was bad? Maybe there was something wrong with her that made men want to leave?

 

I'm saying this because I think there are some - not all - single women who feel like it is the men who are at fault because they're single. Maybe it's the other way around? Maybe you need to re evaluate yourself? I'm single and I know it's not because every woman I meet is bad. Sometimes it's you not them.