Guys that love thrill of the chase....but then lose interest

[tlegend]

There have only been 2 in my LS lifetime, if you count the FWB as a relationship.

 

I will get you some cliff notes!

 

This one is easy, FWB recently (about 4 weeks ago) said she could not just have sex with me, it was too confusing for her. A week or so prior to that, ex gf reached out to me to meet for dinner, to talk. I agreed to meet her.

 

We met, about a week after the FWB said she could not longer have sex with me anymore.

 

Ex gf and I are talking, spending time together. I have not comitted to dating her again. Not sure I want to. All of her words/messages are supported by her actions & behaviors, so far. Just not sure my heart is in it, or if I have my guard up/walls up.

 

I am not losing interest, just not sure where my interest level is really with the ex gf. With the FWB, I am not sure if I lost interest, or what.

 

FWB, we never really had a chance to "date"; which kind of stinks. Maybe there could have been something there, and, we talked about that last night. It's like we went from hanging out a few time, to sex, and bypassed the discovery phase. We have both always felt something for the other, since the first time we met (that unexplainable chemistry/attraction) almost 3 years ago. She did not want to date, nor did I, though in the course of having sex/spending time together we both got emotionally closer to the other.

 

Exes are exes for a reason.

[verhrzn]

Exes are exes for a reason.

 

And sometimes that reason is that someone made a huge mistake. I certainly did over the summer. It doesn't mean the relationship isn't repairable or that two people can't make a decision to reconnect for the better. I personally am not willing to throw something away with so much history, feeling and depth behind it. Now my ex may not end up feeling the same way.... but tossing off the "exes are exes for a reason" is a really simplistic way to look at it. Every situation is different.

[tlegend]

And sometimes that reason is that someone made a huge mistake. I certainly did over the summer. It doesn't mean the relationship isn't repairable or that two people can't make a decision to reconnect for the better. I personally am not willing to throw something away with so much history, feeling and depth behind it. Now my ex may not end up feeling the same way.... but tossing off the "exes are exes for a reason" is a really simplistic way to look at it. Every situation is different.

 

Very true. However, please don't make the assumption that I am suggesting you do not rekindle the romance.

 

There was a reason it didn't work out. There is a reason she became an ex. Is there a possibility for reconciliation? Absolutely! Especially when the issues that caused the breakup in the first place have been addressed and fixed.

 

Obviously, take great care when exploring that option. You've been down that road before.

[TheBigQuestion]

Men who want that, should state that upfront, IMO. Otherwise, they are players and are looking into scoring someone and trying enjoy the benefits of the companionship and/or sex, while she is thinking that this has the potential to go somewhere. That's dishonest. I'm not saying you should state this at the first date, but be upfront about it after 2-3 dates. Definitely before sleeping with her. Most men who want FWB aren't upfront about it, because they know that if they are, the woman will walk away. Some will say it, but only after they've already gotten laid. It's despicable behaviour, IMO.

 

You're right that most men aren't upfront about wanting FWB-type relationships. You're right that men refuse to be upfront because women aren't nearly as enthusiastic about it as men are.

 

What you're leaving out is an inconvenient piece of reality, namely that most women, barring the few who actually take their religions seriously, WILL gladly have casual sex, but only with certain kinds of men that they deem to be high status. Guys who have social status, good looks, charm, money, accomplishments; if a man has the combination of these traits that gets a woman's motor revving, she'll be more than glad to sleep with him, even knowing full well that there may not be a snowball's chance in hell of her entering into a relationship with him. Observant men have seen this play out in life time and time again. On the other hand, the average Joe Schmo that women meet through a mutual friend who takes her out to dinner and pulls out her chair usually is not that type of man. Those men don't get no-strings-attached sex right up front. Men have learned from experience that this happens and they've adjusted their approaches to women accordingly. They realize they are not the type of guy that women will throw themselves at and aren't necessarily commitment-minded towards every last woman they meet, so they start being less than explicit about what their intentions are.

 

To use a crude example, I suppose it comes down to men refusing to pay for the cow when probability states that others have gotten the milk for free.

[GG3]

Trust me, and read my posts about my ex gf, I waited, and waited, and waited....folks on here thought I was crazy for staying as long as I did. I am not one to run or shut down when I see a red flag. I questioned things, mostly in my mind, talked to her a bit, but as time went on I saw more and more and more actions & behaviors that casued me to not committ 100%, as I was just not sure.

 

No I asked why couldn't you do that without becoming distant?

[NoMoreJerks]

You're right that most men aren't upfront about wanting FWB-type relationships. You're right that men refuse to be upfront because women aren't nearly as enthusiastic about it as men are.

 

What you're leaving out is an inconvenient piece of reality, namely that most women, barring the few who actually take their religions seriously, WILL gladly have casual sex

So? I have casual sex sometimes, but only when I want to. Sometimes I am not in the mood. Sometimes I do not like the guy. It depends. I don't have to sleep with every man who pays attention to me or talks to me, just because I am open to the idea of casual sex. Your attitude is one of entitlement. Nothing you do will make me want to sleep with you, if I am not in the mood, if I don't like you, etc. Even if you take me out to a fancy dinner.

 

And just because women are open to the idea of casual sex , doesn't make trickery ok. People who trick women into having sex with them by pretending they are in a relationship with the woman, are scum. I definitely do not think it is ok to have casual sex with someone who has tricked me into doing it, while pretending he's having a relationship with me. Sometimes it's really hard to distinguish between FWB and a real relationship, especially with men who are experts at blowing hot when they realize the woman is pulling away and her needs aren't being met. We also live in a culture that tells women to give men the benefit of the doubt, pressures them not to be "needy," etc., so women accept things that are not relationship-y and assume it makes a relationship.

 

Those men don't get no-strings-attached sex right up front. Men have learned from experience that this happens and they've adjusted their approaches to women accordingly. They realize they are not the type of guy that women will throw themselves at and aren't necessarily commitment-minded towards every last woman they meet, so they start being less than explicit about what their intentions are.

Oh yeah. Let's blame women for men's decision to lie in order to get women into bed. Yeah. Oh PLEASE. You could be a bit more original than that. I am sorry but if women won't sleep with you, maybe the better approach is to look into why they won't, and why you even want to just sleep around. Maybe look in the mirror, rather than blame women for it and then lie in order to get your way with them. And this belief of yours, is based on the assumption that women are interchangeable and all act the same way. What if you lie to a woman who is not the type who even has casual sex with ANYONE, in order to sleep with her, and end up hurting her? That's ok in your books, because "most" (other) women are OK with casual sex? That's despicable.

 

To use a crude example, I suppose it comes down to men refusing to pay for the cow when probability states that others have gotten the milk for free.

Great -- I think there is a reason women don't even want to go out with someone like that. Because he thinks of women as merchandise that he gets to "buy". This is the kind of attitude that some men have: that if they're taking a woman out on a date and paying for her meal, she BETTER have sex with him. Way to go, in your head, you pretty much think of all women as prostitutes, with that sort of attitude. Edited December 12, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[TheBigQuestion]

So? I have casual sex sometimes, but only when I want to. Sometimes I am not in the mood. Sometimes I do not like the guy. It depends. I don't have to sleep with every man who pays attention to me or talks to me, just because I am open to the idea of casual sex. Your attitude is one of entitlement. Nothing you do will make me want to sleep with you, if I am not in the mood, if I don't like you, etc. Even if you take me out to a fancy dinner.

 

And just because women are open to the idea of casual sex , doesn't make trickery ok. People who trick women into having sex with them by pretending they are in a relationship with the woman, are scum. I definitely do not think it is ok to have casual sex with someone who has tricked me into doing it, while pretending he's having a relationship with me. Sometimes it's really hard to distinguish between FWB and a real relationship, especially with men who are experts at blowing hot when they realize the woman is pulling away and her needs aren't being met. We also live in a culture that tells women to give men the benefit of the doubt, pressures them not to be "needy," etc., so women accept things that are not relationship-y and assume it makes a relationship.

 

Oh yeah. Let's blame women for men's decision to lie in order to get women into bed. Yeah. Oh PLEASE. You could be a bit more original than that. I am sorry but if women won't sleep with you, maybe the better approach is to look into why they won't, and why you even want to just sleep around. Maybe look in the mirror, rather than blame women for it and then lie in order to get your way with them. And this belief of yours, is based on the assumption that women are interchangeable and all act the same way. What if you lie to a woman who is not the type who even has casual sex with ANYONE, in order to sleep with her, and end up hurting her? That's ok in your books, because "most" (other) women are OK with casual sex? That's despicable.

 

Great -- I think there is a reason women don't even want to go out with someone like that. Because he thinks of women as merchandise that he gets to "buy". This is the kind of attitude that some men have: that if they're taking a woman out on a date and paying for her meal, she BETTER have sex with him. Way to go, in your head, you pretty much think of all women as prostitutes, with that sort of attitude.

 

I've been inhabiting relationship-land for a long while, but if I ever found myself back in the dating scene, I'd conduct myself in whatever way makes the most rational sense and leads to success. It would probably go something like this; looking back, this is how I conducted myself in the past too:

 

1. I meet a woman that I find hot. I know I want to sleep with her, but I obviously don't know enough about her to determine whether I want to be in a relationship with her. After all, most men decide if they want to sleep with a woman relatively quickly, and certainly before deciding if they'd want to date her seriously.

 

2. I ask her out. Hopefully she agrees. We go out a few times and things escalate.

 

3. Most dating scenarios between twenty-somethings in 2013 America involve gradual physical escalation over the course of a few weeks, generally without either party making any affirmations or denials of an intent to commit. Given this reality, why on Earth would I ruin my chances of having sex with a woman I deem attractive by making such a statement, especially when it's abundantly clear that she also has the hots for me? If I'm interrogated about "what my intentions are," I'd be a fool to say "I'm just trying to rail you," both because experience has taught me that doing so would frustrate my goal (having sex with her), and because it's not even entirely true (maybe I'm not just trying to rail her). There's no point in verbalizing my "intentions" because my intentions haven't yet crystallized, and aren't black and white (sex or relationship and nothing in between).

 

I don't consider women to be prostitutes, although many do seem to treat dating that way. In any event, you're entitled to live out a Madonna/whore dichotomy. You can be your freaky self on one night and then put out the facade of a classy, chaste woman the next. I won't dispute that at all. But the bottom line is that a guy doesn't have to respect it or comply with it. More and more guys are thankfully starting to see through the veil of BS.

[NoMoreJerks]

We're not talking about what men or women do when they haven't yet found out if they want to keep on dating someone. Yes, people can change their minds all the time, and they do -- even when they are in long-term relationships. But there is a difference between 1) having sex with someone that you still don't know well enough to know whether or not you want to have a long-term relationship with her (you might discover stuff about her that don't appeal to you, etc.), and 2) pretending to want to date someone knowing full well that you wouldn't consider her gf material, only to sleep with her and then disappear into thin air after you do. I'm talking about the latter. If you think that's reasonable and acceptable behavior, you really need to do a check on your morals. We are human beings, not animals, but in your view, men should act like animals. With more and more men acting like this, and acting entitled to sex, it is no wonder that so many women, especially financially independent, successful , highly educated women, are foregoing relationships (and even sex) with men.

[Babolat]

No I asked why couldn't you do that without becoming distant?

 

Being distant was not intentional, I guess it was me subconsciously putting the brakes on while trying to figure things out.

Edited December 12, 2013 by Babolat

[Elliotte]

 

Ummmm and yeah, they just aren't the right guys. That is all it comes down to.

 

The wrong guys for you will start off genuinely interested, and then leave when they realise you're not it for them.

 

The right guys will want to continue investing in you.

 

Remember, not all guys lie frm the beginning. I have also had guys who were genuinely into me, yet lost interest once they got to know me.

 

 

Wrong guys. It takes time to find the right guy. Not all of them fake an interest from the start.

 

As a guy who has done this in the past, this is the better answer. OP I know you want to explain it away as "ego, players, indecisive,etc" and that may be more or less true depending on the guy. But a lot of people tend to pursue what they think is a right fit, and once they get to it, they realize it wasn't what they wanted. Sometimes the person you pursue certainly seems like the ideal person for you, but once you get out of the "chase" haze, the reality can end up not being what they expected. Maybe they made those false expectations, maybe you contributed to those expectations, only thing I know after having been on both sides of this situation, is it's never a black and white, one side is 100 % wrong and the other is 100% right issue between two people.

 

Had to play Devil's advocate on this one, best wishes that the next time goes more positively.

[TheBigQuestion]

We're not talking about what men or women do when they haven't yet found out if they want to keep on dating someone. Yes, people can change their minds all the time, and they do -- even when they are in long-term relationships. But there is a difference between 1) having sex with someone that you still don't know well enough to know whether or not you want to have a long-term relationship with her (you might discover stuff about her that don't appeal to you, etc.), and 2) pretending to want to date someone knowing full well that you wouldn't consider her gf material, only to sleep with her and then disappear into thin air after you do. I'm talking about the latter. If you think that's reasonable and acceptable behavior, you really need to do a check on your morals. We are human beings, not animals, but in your view, men should act like animals. With more and more men acting like this, and acting entitled to sex, it is no wonder that so many women, especially financially independent, successful , highly educated women, are foregoing relationships (and even sex) with men.

 

I'm not advocating actively tricking women into thinking you are interested in them romantically when all you wanted from them was sex. What I am saying is that this is far less common than the other scenario, namely a guy just figuring out this particular women isn't what he wanted.

 

Let me frame it this way. It is not all that uncommon for a woman to engage in casual sex with a boytoy while actively soliciting dates from other men. A woman may go out to a fancy dinner paid by a man, give him a peck on the cheek, and then go home and get plowed by Mr. Boytoy, who almost certainly never had to engage in any of the traditional dating/mating rituals which she just gladly accepted from her suitor. I know this because I've been in both situations numerous times, as have various men (and women) I've known.

 

I've been the guy who has been summoned late night to one of his FWBs's apartments for a romp on the same day as she had been getting wined and dined by someone else. I've also been the guy who tried to get with a woman, was stopped, received the "I don't sleep around, I'm into relationships speech," only to hear from one of my friends that she was banging some completely random dude in a hot tub a week later.

 

Like I said, I won't pretend like I have any authority to dictate how you want to live out your sex life. If you want to vacillate between lady and strumpet, do so to your heart's delight. But there are consequences. Here's a hint: guys don't like to be suckers. Even if they want to seriously date you, they would much rather be the guy getting in your pants at the end of the night than the guy who gets a peck on the cheek and blue balls. Thus, many guys, rightly or wrongly, adjust their approach. Unfortunately for you, this may involve either being evasive about their intentions or, as you lament particularly, outright deception. I don't condone the latter, but there's a reason it happens, and it's a reaction to the behaviors of women. This means that women are culpable to some extent.

[MissBee]

I have had this pattern happen over and over again.

 

A guy would come on strong. I am typically only half interested because something about the approach makes me see some red flags. Then some guys would persist for months of "wooing" and basically convince me that they are serious.

 

The as soon as I genuinely warm up and return interest they start pulling away. I had this happen too many times to count. It doesn't have much to do with timing of sex, rather when they see that I am emotionally invested. Which is weird to me because they seemed by both words and actions to be emotionally invested as well.

 

It's getting hard to know when a guy is genuinely interested or when he is just enjoying the chase

 

The problem is that sometimes it is not malicious. Sometimes it is actually not a case of a man plotting to lose interest, but especially if he has issues of unavailability (and emotionally unavailable people's thing is tending to really want what they can't have, even though they don't always realize it) he may genuinely be interested but his reflex is that once you're actually available and open and now it has a chance of becoming a real relationship where he has to actually now invest and be serious he freaks out and pulls back.

 

The odd part too is if you tend to attract men like that too, you might also be a different side of the same coin. I know for me it would sometimes be like that.