Soul Crushing Arguments in Middle Age Couple

[wordgarden]

Our relationship started out great. We met in our early 40's and are both professionals, though I have taken early retirement due to some health issues. My partner has many great qualities and with most of our friends, he is the one they prefer (I'm OK with that--he is simply more of a social person than me). We share many interests and beliefs. I did not want to have children and he agreed. We have a very special dog who neither one of us could live without. We never married but have lived together for 12 years and have considerable shared financial commitments. Our finances have always been divided right down the middle and, for the most part, that's how we wanted it, but in retrospect his insistence on this method should have been a warning sign.

 

My partner has become increasingly bad tempered and shouts at me quite a lot. He always denies that he is shouting. He does a lot of childish blaming to deflect from his bad temper, i.e. it's never his fault. It has become increasingly hard to bear. He has another side to him which is very kind, but I'm seeing it now as a sort of co-dependent behaviour, rather than genuine loving and caring, i.e. his 'kindness' comes with a contract. He has been attending a codependents' group for a year and I have noticed some small changes, but the fighting has continued.

 

Most of his outbursts are triggered by problems with his family, (he also has many arguments with them) which he partially acknowledges, but I seem to have become the target of all his frustrations.

 

My own family was never close plus I have a history of abuse in my teenage years and this has affected my judgement so I'm never really sure how to gauge these events. The next day he'll be very nice, bring gifts, etc then act like nothing ever happened. I have lost the ability to bounce back because I know it's going to happen again, and because I feel so unnerved. Often I do not sleep. I have entirely lost interest in sex and I know this is hard for him but the years of fighting have worn me out. I dissociate a great deal as a coping mechanism. I've had a lot of counseling for my past abuse and have made peace with it. We've had some counseling sessions together, but he seems to come away feeling vindicated--probably not the right counselor. :\

 

We recently moved to a new city and although I lost the support of my friends, I am enjoying my new interests and the natural beauty of this area. He has been slow to integrate (is not really trying) and this had increased his frustration. He blames me for the move. For me it's a trade off. I get to live in this great area and we do still enjoy activities together but this Jeckal and Hyde existence is wearing me down. He professes to love me, always apologies. I even hear him telling people how much he loves living here (??which is the truth). He has been diagnosed with cancer which adds a whole other level of complexity and increases his anger and frustration. I'm feeling desperate for a less stressful life. I've never admitted any of this to friends or family. I really don't know what to do. Your thoughts are appreciated.