The ship is sinking here,

[Noket]

I've lurked here for quite a while, unsure as to whether or not outside advice was a good thing, but I decided why not? So this may get lengthy but please bare with me, there's a lot of ground to cover.

 

I have been with my SO, married, for going on a year and we're both young and barely out of our teens. We admittedly rushed into marriage as I am in the Military and I wanted him to be able to travel with me.

He's had jealousy issues since we were dating but back then it was just a quick grimace and he got over it but now it's grown into full fledged fighting and accusations anytime I do anything at all.

 

He wants to know where I'm going, and who's gonna be there (not so much anymore, I sort of gave up going out to help contain his jealousy) and that wasn't good enough. Now he checks my Facebook messages, texts (he even counts them), the phone records, and he set up my snapchat app on his phone so he'd get my messages first.

 

Anytime a guy messages me anywhere he will get moody, snappy, draw back from me and won't talk to me hardly at all until I'm so upset I'm crying. I understand this to be a control measure, but at least then he talks to me. He definitely refuses to be okay with me hanging out with any sort of guy friend. (My work involves me leaving for 3 days to live at an offbase establishment and 90% of my coworkers that I live with out there are men, am I wrong to form friendships with these guys that I live with for days on end?) That being said, I tend to have more male friends just due to the circumstances and that ticks him off. He thinks I'm flirting with them and cheating while I'm out there with them and has said multiple times he doesn't trust me and is just waiting to catch me in the act.

 

He also says very demeaning things often times, like jokes about being a "slut" and variations thereof, that I'm worthless but when I get upset he says he was only joking and I should learn to have a sense of humor.

 

He jokes about putting spyware on my phone to see my messages and if I don't hand over my phone the second he asks he always says I'm hiding things and that it's "proof enough"

 

Well now here's part 2. Naturally I have made friends with a man I met out where I work and he has become a best friend to me. I consider us very close, and I understand that this friend would make a move if I wasn't married but he respects that I am and won't be a homewrecker her just wanted his feelings known outright. Which I appreciate as long as he respects the boundaries and he always has. My SO of course knows about him and I try not to hide anything (despite what he thinks) and my SO is livid anytime I even talk to this guy. It's a full on war if his name even comes up. I'm being asked to choose the only friend I have left or my SOs happiness.

 

And there's even more. My SO is bipolar and that creates even more of a mess at the end of the day.

 

The synopsis is it seems I have to choose to be subservient, docile and have no friends, never text, or leave the house, or even put on make up (yes this and shaving my legs were all issues before, as well.) or be miserable.

 

I just don't know what to do. I feel like it may be over. I have done all I can do but I cannot take the demeaning or the accusations any longer. I'm sorry this was so lengthy (there's still more that I cut out so this isn't as long) but can anyone offer advice?

[wordgarden]

I've been in your shoes and it did not end well. What began with a bit of harmless jealousy turned into his drinking more and more and becoming violent. I even began to believe the things he imagined I was doing with other men and would do anything to calm him down. I wasted 4 years of my life with that person and those are years you never get back. He was my first major love and I believed in commitment so I took it on. Ultimately I had to do 'a midnight move' but spent the next 5 years looking nervously over my shoulder. What is it going to take for you? His bipolar condition is sad but make a plan, get some counseling, gather all the support you can, and try to get away.

[Yarrow]

I don't like any of what's going on here, but I do want to say that it is never OK for your SO to call you a slut. Not even as a joke. I bet when you call him on it, he says something like "It was just a joke. Why do you have to be so sensitive?" or "You are a slut. You talked to another man once." You let him say these things to you, if you stick around long enough, you'll probably start to believe them. It's dangerous that way.

 

In a relationship, there has to be respect. That is not something to say to someone you respect. Ergo, he does not respect you. I suspect he will become violent soon. It's probably time to start planning your exit strategy.

[BigDomino]

I've been a long time lurker, and this post pulled me out. Maybe i can help shed some insight on this. I know it was posted awhile ago and I hope you still see it.

 

First, On being married young and for such a short time.

 

Statistically the first year of marriage is the hardest year. Because you're still figuring each other out, living with one another, and learning that other person. Times this because you both are still so young. You're both moody, want things your way, and headstrong. As we all once were. And that is neither of your faults. It's just hormones. Something you both have to account for. And over come.

 

Second, On him going through all of your stuff.

 

Here, you may not like what I am going to say. I don't believe we are getting the whole story here. I don't. Why you might ask? Because no man just wakes up jealous, and goes through someones stuff as bad as you say he does. Jealousy boils down to three things, trust, situation, and confidence. He says he doesn't trust you? Something has to happen to break his trust.

 

That's not something that goes away over night. So for you to come on here and slander your husband, without giving the full story of why he doesn't trust you isn't fair to him. Now i'm not saying i'm on his side. But something has happened that you aren't telling us. So don't come on here like you haven't done anything wrong. Because only you can break his trust.

 

Now of course he's going to go through your stuff if he feels something is happening, it's human nature. You would do the same if he had broken your trust. I'm not saying it's right but that's what happens.

 

Maybe instead of trying to hide this, which will only heighten suspicion. Go through it all with him. Sit down and go through your stuff together. Ask why it bothers him, and try to correct it. It may suck, and feel like an invasion of privacy yes, but at the end of the day you two are MARRIED. It's not just your feelings anymore. It's both of yours. So try new things, make him feel comfortable. Come clean, tell him if you've done something wrong. If you haven't try and comfort him more. Make him feel like he's the only guy you want to be with. And maybe he has a confidence issue, like he doesn't deserve to have you. These are things YOU need to take head on. And HELP. Help him understand you've done nothing "if you haven't", Talk through things with him.

 

And if he gets moody, give him time. Let both of yourselves calm down, and go back to it later. Crying doesn't help the situation. When we are mad we say and do things we don't mean. And him only talking to you when you break down being a controlling measure?? No. That's him understanding how far it got, and then feeling bad. Here's the thing, if you keep going on to a person who is moody, snappy, draw back from you. Then eventually he'll say something it doesn't mean, and it will hurt you. Understand that. Give both of yourselves time to cool down, however long it takes and deal with it again when you've both cooled down.

 

Third, on the demeaning jokes he makes.

 

I will not stand up for him on this. This has to stop. I can see it being a joke but when it's constant. No. You need to stop that now. sit down with him explain how it makes you feel. If it doesn't stop, put your foot down, and let it known you won't stand for this. NO ONE deserves this. And he needs to understand this.

 

Fourth, On your "best friend".

 

Ok, it's alright to have friends of the different sex. It is. But again, in this situation i don't feel like we are getting the full story. It wouldn't be an "all out war" if something hadn't of happened to make it this way.

 

And for you to let another man tell you his feelings for you outright? That is disrespectful to your husband. You should have never let that happen in the first place. And he should respect that you are married and never have told you. You should have squashed that immediately when it happened.

 

Because yeah he'll tell you he doesn't wanna be a home wrecker, only friends.

But when he is telling you his feelings about you. No. No. No. Red flag. He has no reason to do this at all. If he respected you or your husband he wouldn't have brought them up in the first place.

And you know what, I guarantee that if he had the chance his "I don't wanna be a home wrecker status" Would go out the door.

 

And further more, It isn't just you, your husband, and "friend" left on the planet. It sucks to lose a friend yes. But if your husband hates this guy so much, the tough choices need to be made. Because at the end of the day YOU married your husband. You made a vow to put him before all. And to me it doesn't sound like you are willing to do that.

 

As i said this isn't the full story here. It's not. He wouldn't just hate him for being a guy, Something has happened. And YOU either need to explain it, come clean, or move on.

 

On my last note. I will leave it simple. Instead of coming onto a fourm and bitching about all of this and asking for "advice". If you really want to be with your husband, get the **** off your computer and fix whats broken. Get counseling, get help, do what ever it takes to fix this. OR MOVE ON.

 

The fact that you're posting on here tells me that you may already be done. YOU both need help. Go find it and save this. Sorry this isn't the "just leave him" answer that the above gave you. Because that's bull****. And for him becoming violent? He would have made that evident from the start if he was going to be like that.

 

This isn't as broken as you believe it is. It'll take hard work and dedication on both of your parts. But if you want to save this. GO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP, NOT PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET THAT WILL MOST LIKELY INFLUENCE YOU TO DO SOMETHING YOU'LL REGRET.

 

I've said my piece and I hope this helps. I hope you guys make it, and will be happy. I really do.

 

But make sure he gets other help for his mental issues he'll really need it.

[littlejaz]

I am sorry but BigDomino is wrong. In my younger days I had a boyfriend who was jealous for no reason just like what you are describing, except back then we didn't have cell phones or internet. The only 2 things that ever happened that he claimed caused his jealousy was 1) at a Christmas gathering one of my male cousins that I grew up with and hadn't seen in 5 or more years came up to me, gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek and 2) while eating lunch at a cafeteria, an old male friend from high school, (no I had never dated this guy) again that I hadn't seen in 5 or so years, recognized me, came up to me and gave me a friendly hug. He griped about these 2 incidents all the time. I was shocked at his reactions both times. First, my cousin, really, you have got to be kidding me. And second, I can't help it if someone recognizes me. I refused to apologize for giving an old friend a hug. We were all just hugging type people in high school and it meant nothing.

 

This situation continued to get worse the longer we were together. He tried to distance from everyone I knew before him including my parents. Until one day I was at work reading the Sunday paper and there was a 2 page spread about abusive relationships. As I was reading, I felt like I was reading about him. Everything in the article was spot on. Within a few months of reading this article, he did become physical with me. He didn't actually hit me but he came damn close. I ended the relationship and never gave him a chance to hit me again.

 

So saying that people get jealous for no reason is just wrong. And if you notice I am not saying just men, women do the same thing. It is a sign that they will eventually turn into an abuser. That is how they suck you in. In the beginning they are very sweet and loving, seeming to be almost too good to be true. Then once they feel they have you hooked, they change big time. The one thing I never could figure out was how he had so much control in the beginning and then turned into the a**hole that he was. If he had his way, I wouldn't have ever spoken to anyone except him or his parents and siblings. This is not a healthy relationship.

 

My advice is run as fast as you can to a divorce attorney's office. I would like to say try MC first, but I bet he won't go. He wants to control your every move and it will do nothing but get worse.

 

"Often the domestic abuser will initially try to explain his/her behavior as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim."

 

Good luck and be careful, you are treading in dangerous waters.

[beach]

He's jealous - but you're giving good reason to be jealous.

 

Your inappropriate "friendship" infringes on your marriage. You've "allowed" the OM to become "your best friend" - poor boundaries !

 

Your H should hold that place for you!

 

 

Since you don't see him as that - divorce him - proper order is key - and you've already shown poor boundaries and lack of love and respect for the one you married.

 

Having already gotten things backwards - end the M - and be on your own to learn about what a HEALTHY relationship should look like.

[imtooconfused]

Noket, you're having an emotional affair (that is just steps away from being a physical affair) with a man from work, and you wonder why your husband is acting jealous? To be sure, your husband is not dealing with that in an emotionally stable way, and the abuse is not justified.

 

Your husband has issues dealing with a free spirit wife and you have issues dealing with marital boundaries, issues which conflict directly with each other. I suspect it's not because you are young, but rather you spent too little time getting to know each other before you married. I am sure you both had concerns about these issues earlier, but thought marriage would solve everything, only to find the issues got worse. Now that you have learned you are not a good match for each other, you will have to deal with the fact that you will never find reconciliation on any of your difficulties.

[Gunny376]

I'm sorry, but your problem isn't as difficult as you think nor belive it to be.

 

Your married to an idiot. Don't feel bad about that? Many, many a person make that mistake in their youth.

 

Your DH is insecure, lacking in self confidence, self assurdness, etc. ~ yada ~ yada ~ yada!

 

Don't make the mistake of letting him make his problems your problems.

 

Jealousy in its extreme forms is a lack of self confidence and assuradness to face any and all competition regardless of its source for the affection, attention and etc of another.

 

Mrs Gunny has lots of friends. She's just a very gregarious person. A lot of them are men. I've no problem with that?

 

A marriage certificate isn't a bill of sale, a car title, a deed, nor any other form of ownership.

 

 

All I can do is do my best to be the best option ~ most attractive sparkling, and daziling thing there ever was in her world. If and over the course of time she were to find someone else that has more and better than what I've got to offer? All I can do is wish her well and hope that she made the best choice. Meanwhile all I can do is "keep on keeping on" and keep on trucking.

 

I would make a terribile someone else! But I'm here to tell you! I make an awesome ME! I'm one AWESOME Gunny376 if I do say so myself!

 

Parts of me are truely awesome, and the rest I'm working on as I go along. If Mrs Gunny can find herself someone better? Then so be it, she deserves him, because she's pretty damned awesom herself and she would deserve someome that's better than I and what I've got to offer her! I'd personally would be happy for her!

 

All that I am is all that I'm ever going to be. Anything that I can do to improve on that is a plus. I daily try and strive to alievenate the negative and the bad that I've acquired over the course of the years. I attemplt to daily identify and recognize my own personal weaknesses and over come them.

 

We've ALL have and have got issues, our own personal demons and baggage.

 

There are two types of people in the world. Those that actually believe their "normal" and strive for such in their day-to-day exsistence. And those (albiet there are very few of us) that recognize that there's no such thing as normal.

 

Men and women? Men say women are all the same! Women say the same thing about men. And that's true!

 

But its only true in the sense that snowflakes are all snowflakes, but no two are exactally the same!

 

Having less is having more! Letting go is embracing. Life is full of paradoxes. Life is a paradox.

 

Some azzhats of men are quick to call a woman a slut. Yada ~ yada ~ yada! When what it really comes down to is the definitioin (for men) of the difference between a slut and a bitch?

 

A slut? She sleeps with any and anyone? A "Bitch?" She sleeps with any and everyone but you? For a woman? Its a no-win game ~ so why play it? Why try and play by the rules of someone else.

 

Why not live life on your terms, by rules and by your standards ~ instead of those of someone else? Your drive yourself freaking crazy trying to do otherwise. Even if you try and do so to the exclusive rules and standards of a selected few (Close friends and family)

 

More times than not, when some azzhole is trying to project some serious negative things on you? Even if outwardly they're projecting outward strength, control, etc? Its stems from their own insecurities, self doubts, un-resolved child-hood issues etc.

 

At work azzhat of a supllicating, azz-kissing "political" appiontee supervisor told me ~ "I can hurt you financially! I can have your job!"

 

I told him!

 

"First off, I just want to know if all this BS your spouting helps you with with your erectial dysfunction problem? Then I went Marine Corps DI on his ass and got in his face sideways and let him know that the only power and control that he has over me?

 

IS THE POWER AND CONTROL THAT I AND I ALONE GIVE HIM!

 

(As a side-note I also told him ~ "You may have my job "Clown-boy?" Trouble is? I know where you live!":mad: )

 

 

This is the one thing that you really need to wrap around your head,

 

IS THE POWER AND CONTROL THAT I AND I ALONE GIVE HIM!

 

 

No one has ANY more power and control over you than what you give them!

 

Too often in live we find ourselve bound by chains never realizing that it is we and we alone that hold the keys!