I have no idea where to begin, so I'll just...

[Intellect]

Start! We've been together for almost six years now, and it has gotten to the point that I have joined this forum to anonymously share the predicament of my marriage troubles in hopes of gaining some altruistic insight into possible solutions or courses of actions that might be able to remedy our marital woes. So without further adieu, here it goes:

 

We both met back when we were in high school. I had moved to Florida from New Orleans and was attending school there. The first time I saw her was in juvenile court. We were both there enduring the consequences for the foolishness of headstrong teenage angst and rebellion. She sat in the seat just in front of me wearing a nice white dress blouse and short black velvet skirt with black stockings and shiny black shoes. She had wavy strawberry blonde hair that flowed just to her mid back. I barely even noticed her until the judge called her name and she stood up and walked to the podium near the front of the court room, even then I could only see her figure from behind, petite yet curvy. I remember thinking to myself that she wasn't exactly dressed in a way that most people would consider appropriate for court. So the judge went through his motions and when she turned around and walked back down the aisle facing me, it happened. I saw my wife's face for the very first time. The entire world seemed to just melt away. For a brief moment in time, in my mind it was just me and her there, and I was suddenly unaware of everything else around me. It was strange. My heart rate kicked up a notch, and everything seemed to be happening ever so slowly. As she began walking back towards her seat, our eyes met for a brief moment. There was such a unique and innate beauty in her bright blue-green eyes, but with a touch of calm sadness and pain. She didn't have on much makeup, just a little bit of blue eyeliner. She had lots of freckles too. I'll never forget the feeling I felt at that precise point in time. "She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life" was the next thought that zipped through my head, and for the rest of the time that we were in that room together, all I could think about was how I would talk to her, what could I say, how could I get to know her. I literally spent the rest of my time in that court room obsessing over her, forgetting all about why I was there, and caring even less. Would this be the last time I ever saw her? I have to think of something to say! There has to be some way to talk to her! How can I find out who she is? Where does she go to school? My thoughts were racing, all of them fixated on this beautiful creature that had just stolen my heart in a split instant with nothing more than a glance and a few steps, but there were problems.

 

I was in a relationship with a girl whom I cared for deeply at the time. I loved her, but why was I feeling this way after seeing my future wife for the first time? The young heart and mind are a very strange pair. I also never worked up the courage to say anything to her in that court room that day. I think part of the reason was the loyalty I had to my girlfriend at the time. We never spoke a word to each other that day. We never even made eye contact again on that day. She was long gone. Days went by. Weeks went by. I still couldn't stop thinking about her. It was driving me crazy. I was feeling such a mix of emotions. I felt guilty, as though I had already betrayed my girlfriend by simply having these thoughts about another girl. As circumstances would have it, that would not be our last encounter with one another.

 

I was sent to an 'alternative' school as part of my juvenile plea deal. She was also sent there. A few weeks after I saw her for the first time, I saw her for the second time. She was standing at the Coke machine in the middle of the main corridor of the school, and she was having a tough time with the machine. After weeks of not being able to drive her out of my conscious thoughts, there she was, standing right in front of me. I made up my mind right then and there to march over and speak to her. I don't even remember exactly what I said to her. It was something along of the lines of "Need some help?" We got to know each other. We would sit and eat lunch together at the same table. I really had it in for her bad. I fell in love with her from the moment I saw her for the first time. I invited her to a party at my house one time. She came over, and while my girlfriend at the time was there, I just couldn't stop thinking about her. I never told her at that point in my life how I felt. I tried to work things out with my girlfriend, but that relationship ended eventually after a few years due to exigent circumstances that were beyond our control.

 

I moved back home to New Orleans. We never really kept in contact. She got married and had two kids then got divorced. It's worth mentioning that the kids biological father abandoned them when they were 1 and 2 and wants nothing to do with either of them. After hurricane Katrina, I moved back to Florida and happened to look her up on MySpace one day. She was still as beautiful as ever, and old feelings die hard, so I asked her if she wanted to go out on a date together. She said yes, and the rest, as they say, is history. We've been together ever since that first date. We moved in with each other a few months later. We now have a son together, and I raise her kids as my own, I'm Dad equally to all of our children, and have been for almost 6 years. We have a typical American family lifestyle, except for the fact that she now spends every waking moment at home engulfed into her smartphone, living out a fantasy life online.

 

We've had our ups, our downs, our round and rounds, but through it all, we've remained together. Through thick and thin we've never let anything come between us. I fear that is all changing. I could sit here and go on and on about the mistakes we've both made in the relationship, and the tough and tragic problems and hurdles we've both endured and overcome, but I've probably droned on long enough. The bottom line is that I love her, and I want things to work between us, but I'm worried that she does not share that same vision. I'm smart enough to know what time it is, and we've been together long enough for me to realize when things are just not the same. I'm very worried that our relationship is on the verge of falling apart at the seems, and I want to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. I've tried speaking to her about this on several occasions, but I've been met with such resistance to the subject by her that it has caused me to be right here, typing this, essentially grasping at straws in a last ditch effort to prevent a total fallout. I've mentioned therapy, I've approached her from every angle imaginable to try and bring that spark back into our marriage, yet to no avail.

 

If we can't work through our problems, I'm okay with that, but it won't be for lack of trying on my part. I do not want our children to be hurt in all of this, and I refuse to simply throw my hands in the air and call it quits. Her behavior as of late is maladaptive and needs intervention, and maybe mine does as well, but the only obstacle is her stonewalling my efforts towards the betterment of our relationship. What do you kind people think? Should I give up? Is it really over? What else can I do?

 

Thank you all for your time, patience, and input.

 

-Frusterated, Confused, & Befuddled in New Orleans

[Grumpybutfun]

Her behavior as of late is maladaptive and needs intervention, and maybe mine does as well, but the only obstacle is her stonewalling my efforts towards the betterment of our relationship.

 

-Frusterated, Confused, & Befuddled in New Orleans

 

The details that we need are what behavior is maladaptive and why she needs intervention? What exactly has she said or done that makes you think the marriage is changing? You are very vague on her issues and on yours. Great story on your meeting, I was almost there and would title it "The Day in Court for Love." However, the things we need to know are missing. What broke up her first relationship exactly? Were you married before? Specifics, man.

Inquisitively, Confused and Slightly Entertained in America,

Grumps

[Intellect]

Thanks for your swift reply, Grumps. That's a big can of worms.

 

My main concern as of late is her fixation on her cell phone. She will not put it down while at home. She is either on the computer, or on the phone. I recently peeked over her shoulder while she didn't know I was standing there to see what she was doing on there since she's been on it so much lately, and she was role playing in an online chat. Nothing sexual, but it is taking her away from our family. I've tried to address this with her on multiple occasions. I get stonewalled every time. She is very mistrustful of me with no good reason to be lately. I was involved in a very severe car accident over the Summer, nearly killed, and when I was bedridden in recovery, she just kind of let the house fall apart. She would yell at me just for asking for coffee and just became all around mean. She has started smoking again, and is almost up to an entire pack a day. She no longer wants to be intimate. I think she is having a manic episode. Her previous husband was abusive, threatened to kill her, beat her, the lowest kind of piece of **** pretty much. I have never been married before. I don't question her loyalty, I know she isn't cheating, it's not even a thought that has crossed my mind. I have a bit of a drinking problem, I don't hardly ever drink, but once I pick up that first one, there's no stopping. I've been out drinking 2 times in the past 6 months. She suffered a horrible tragedy just one month before our son was born, losing her father and sister in a murder/suicide and she hasn't been the same since. I have tried in every way i can think of to hold our family together through all of this, but it doesn't seem to be working. I am pushing for us to go to therapy and she is stonewalling it. So, there's some details...>.<

[Grumpybutfun]

Intellect:

Thank you for the details. Wow, you guys have had some major trauma and life transitions happen with a smattering of addictions and coping mechanisms thrown in, huh?

What I am reading is that she is not present in her real life, right? This is a concern especially if she is not dealing therapeutically with her domestic abuse, her family's deaths in a most horrific way, and your car accident/ possible death. I cannot really blame you for feeling like she is escaping into her electronic devices because honestly, she probably is. In the same way you binge drink to deal with stress and cope, she uses her devices for the same thing. With her letting the house fall apart, I wonder if she is severely depressed.

The sad truth is that if she isn't willing to get help for herself, you cannot make her. You can beg, threaten and make ultimatums but it sounds as though she is pretty content just escaping into the role playing games and withdrawing emotionally and sexually from you. You see, even though she is your wife and you love her and you are in a relationship with her, only she can change her life and perceptions.

However, you can do what you need to do to help you through some of this trauma and heal your own hurt and confusion by going to therapy yourself to gain some insight and see if your perspective is not clouded by anger and frustration. You deserve to feel some peace, and you have a family to protect and help so therapy could be very productive for you.

When you start healing and becoming more healthy, she will want to be where you are. Hopefully she will want to heal herself.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Iguanna]

It seems she has gone through A LOT and I can only find it natural that she reacts this way. You may feel betrayed and sad that she didn't come to you for help, but we can't blame a person for suffering and trying to find other solutions than what we would like them to in order to feel better. Your wife needs something to keep her mind occupied, I have some experience of this as well, I had some bad experience some years ago and I wanted to NOT THINK at all, so I started playing Wow, an online game where you are asked to quest and gain levels. This way I could keep my mind occupied instead of facing the harsh reality and trying to fix it. She is in denial, I'm no expert but I think this would be the word for it. You have to be very patient with her. You have to try to discuss with her and convince her that you understand what she's going through and that you intend to wait for her to feel better. Tell her that you 100% support her, but remind her that she has 3 kids to take care of and that she should find an inner strength for their own good. When you think she is more stable and ready to talk without reacting badly, you can suggest that she visits a psychologist and talk about these things. Tell her that she is only human and admitting she needs help does not mean she is weak but that she realizes that sometimes we do need a boost to go on, especially after traumatic events. I know it's hard what I ask you to do, but if you really love her and don't want to ruin your family, you have to be strong for both of you. Try to keep your temper, don't yell at her, don't blame her, just give her the time and space she wants, once or twice only suggesting about her getting some professional help.

 

If you do these things and she insists on resisting, maybe you should start thinking to ask her to stay at some other place for some time cause it's not nice for the kids to see their mother like that. But lets not go there just yet.

 

Whatever you do, put a deadline in your mind, like give her 3 months to get better. Don't let this going on forever cause you will get psychologically exhausted and the kids need at least one stable parent.

Edited November 24, 2013 by Iguanna

[dumped2013]

Dude,

My ex stayed glued to Facebook the entire time she was in the house. She would get up at 3 and 4 in the morning and be laying next to me in bed typing away. She password protected everything at the end. I think she was actually communicating with someone in Italy in the middle of the night. She went there by herself 3 years in a row. I think that actually broke up the relationship