RDawg Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 (edited) We have spoken a couple of times since the breakup, mostly because we still have the property issue to sort out. There is a whole back story, what I did didn't just happen in a vacuum. She had basically fallen out of love with me and checked out emotionally ages ago. So I have no hope of reconciliation. She is not bitter, but she is disappointed that things did not work out for us. She is 36 and was hoping I was the one, she wants children and her time is running out. Will we speak again in the future? Yes, I'm sure we will, but probably not for a long time. I have had to reframe the relationship in a negative light in order to deal with its demise. My parents have been a big help in trying to convince me that she was not a good fit, and not really a "good" person in her own right. I am still wrestling with the whole "was it never meant to be" or "did I stuff it up" debate. Remebering as many of her negatives as possible like everyone suggests does help but I know this loss will hurt for a long time. Something that also helps me is to remember that I am a pretty decent person and very loving partner (ok I also have issues with alcohol and emotional self control), and that she chose to give up and walk, so let her walk. If she finds a better partner and ends up happy ever after then fine, good for her. Edited November 29, 2013 by RDawg Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted November 30, 2013 Author Share Posted November 30, 2013 We have spoken a couple of times since the breakup, mostly because we still have the property issue to sort out. There is a whole back story, what I did didn't just happen in a vacuum. She had basically fallen out of love with me and checked out emotionally ages ago. So I have no hope of reconciliation. She is not bitter, but she is disappointed that things did not work out for us. She is 36 and was hoping I was the one, she wants children and her time is running out. Will we speak again in the future? Yes, I'm sure we will, but probably not for a long time. I have had to reframe the relationship in a negative light in order to deal with its demise. My parents have been a big help in trying to convince me that she was not a good fit, and not really a "good" person in her own right. I am still wrestling with the whole "was it never meant to be" or "did I stuff it up" debate. Remebering as many of her negatives as possible like everyone suggests does help but I know this loss will hurt for a long time. Something that also helps me is to remember that I am a pretty decent person and very loving partner (ok I also have issues with alcohol and emotional self control), and that she chose to give up and walk, so let her walk. If she finds a better partner and ends up happy ever after then fine, good for her. Sounds like you are doing better than me at the moment. I'm Still struggling with the question of to contact or not to contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted November 30, 2013 Author Share Posted November 30, 2013 Someone help me fix this : ( Link to post Share on other sites
flight E Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Your best bet is no contact. If you think you want to soot frayed nerves after 3 months your can send a text saying you apologize for not respecting her wishes and the drama. That you appreciate you faults in all that happened and understand why she had to leave. That you wish her well. End of story. Then you move on. If she wants to after that, she will reach you. Never reach her again after that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 I'm going to be pretty blunt on this.. You need to give it some time and stop contacting her. Your only going to push her away even more. I learned from experience with my ex. We broke up but then I wanted her back. I told her the usual things that I will change for her but I'm telling you when your seperated from someone you care about you learn a lot of things about your relationship and how you can improve with someone else. It's easier said than done.. The first two months might be really hard but you have to focus on yourself and try to move on. If it was really mean't to be she will contact you later down the line. I know you want to get back together but I'm telling you the truth when I say it's not going to be healthy relationship and it would probably end for good. You have to make her miss you in order for her to contact you. So that means no contact at all and shut out all outlets for her to see you. Do you think it would be a good idea to wish her a happy bday on Friday? Its been just over two weeks since the last text I sent her. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 Do you think it would be a good idea to wish her a happy bday on Friday? Its been just over two weeks since the last text I sent her. It's an awful idea no matter how many times you ask. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 It's an awful idea no matter how many times you ask. Please explain Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 Because she doesn't want to hear from you. Is it really that bad to wish someone a happy birthday? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 No. It is really that bad to pressure contact on someone who has asked you to leave them alone. This is not about you. You are being incredibly selfish. This is about her. She broke up with you. Think about what she wants. She wants to be left alone. Leave her alone. I see what your saying now. I guess I just want to open the door to communication because I don't want her to go the rest of her life without speaking to me. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 I see what your saying now. I guess I just want to open the door to communication because I don't want her to go the rest of her life without speaking to me. There is a possibility that she might never talk to you again. I would assume that you would probably hear from her SOMEHOW whether out of breadcrumbs, sadness, whatever..... My point being that there is a strong chance that it might never be rekindled again and a possibility that she would go the rest of her life without speaking to you OR just not being with you again. Are you willing to deal with that? How are you going to deal with that? What steps are you going to take to move forward? How are you going to keep yourself busy instead if pining over her? Just some things to think about 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 There is a possibility that she might never talk to you again. I would assume that you would probably hear from her SOMEHOW whether out of breadcrumbs, sadness, whatever..... My point being that there is a strong chance that it might never be rekindled again and a possibility that she would go the rest of her life without speaking to you OR just not being with you again. Are you willing to deal with that? How are you going to deal with that? What steps are you going to take to move forward? How are you going to keep yourself busy instead if pining over her? Just some things to think about I honestly don't know. I just want her in my life and this is killing me. I feel like if I let her be and don't contact her again, I'm shutting down that line of communication. (just sharing my thought process) Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 That's her prerogative, and you must accept it. So the only thing I can do to make it more likely she speaks to me in the future would be to leave her alone? I'm worried that if I let the lines of communication close, it won't happen. So I feel responsible for going to her I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 Dude, how many times do I have to say it? I know what you are going to say. If you could explain it to me, that would be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 What about if I break NC in three months and ask her to lunch or something? I just read that from another poster. Just trying to come up with ideas that will make it possible for me to remain in her life and potentially get a fresh start. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 What about if I break NC in three months and ask her to lunch or something? I just read that from another poster. Just trying to come up with ideas that will make it possible for me to remain in her life and potentially get a fresh start. Cross that bridge when you come to it. I guarantee you won't feel the same way. Does it need to be so difficult? You're plotting to sit around for 3 months and then contact her. You shouldn't have to construe a way to be in someone's life. Listen, I was you several months ago. You are trying to bargain a way to keep the ex in your life by any means possible. You know the relationship is over, so you want to settle for anything she is willing to give you. You are actually worth a lot more than that. I know it seems impossible to fathom right now, but there will come a day when you don't care if you see her again. I don't care if I see my ex again in this life, and, trust me, I was thinking just like you months ago. Time and distance change your perspective on many things, and you will find that you can go on without her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RDawg Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 So true BC1980. Three years ago I was a mess, thought my world had ended - I was so cut up over my previous ex, and then I met my current ex and all that pain went away in an instant. Nevergoodenough: get healed up and then never, ever enter into another relationship again. It is the only way to avoid this cycle of pain. If I see you back here in a years time in the dating section I swear I'm gonna get on a plane and come over to the states and give you a smack. m'kay? You get better and then stay away from women for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Simplysimon Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 I was with my ex for six months, I discovered a love with her I had never felt before in my life. She was the first person to ever make me feel loved, I felt so completed with her in my life. She always knew how to make me laugh, even when I was angry. She was really thoughtful and always planned little surprises to let me know she was thinking of me, she would cook dishes with me from my family and never wanted to be without me. She would pick me up at my apt and tell me to come home with her bc my home was with her. Sometimes I would sit and reflect on how lucky I was to have found her. Whenever we would argue she would come after me and tell me she was not going to give up on us and she wanted to fight for us. If I would leave the home, she would come after me. She started to tell her parents every time we would argue and they started to think badly of me. Eventually, we got into an argument bc she had some pictures from old relationships stored on her computer and I was pissed. I broke a cookie jar she loved and smashed her phone (it didn't break though) I took her parents contact info and said I was going to send them her naked pics, I figured it would get her to tell me why she wanted them. Stupid move, she just kept telling me how she loves me and wants to be with me. Eventually, she falls asleep in my arms and she leaves in the morning. She texts me and tells me she loves me and just wanted to be with me. We had lunch together and she starts crying and saying she felt I wanted to be with my ex and she feels inferior to her. I told her I loved her and just wanted to be with her. I left and her father comes for a visit and she doesn't talk to me almost all day. She starts telling me she is busy and I text her a picture of my call log with a call to my ex. After that I said the picture thing again and she says she doesn't trust me anymore and she can't be in the relationship. I asked her to come see me and I said sorry for my actions and told her that I loved her and wanted to change, she cried and I eventually left. She did tell me she told her father what I said about sending the pics to her parents though. I text her saying to let me know if she reconsiders, she didn't answer and the next day we were supposed to go to a football game. She tells me she is going with her father and she needs some time to think about things. I sent her a massive amount of texts saying she shouldn't have to think about things, that we should be together and if she loved me she would know. I text her and asked to see her that night, she said maybe later in the week because she was still analyzing things and i'm like obviously you don't care you should be able to make this decision and text her lots. Next day I said nothing, the following day I made a four foot card listing all the things I loved about our relationship and her. I ended it with i love you please come back to me. I put that and a dozen roses on her door for when she returned from work. Then I went on fb and took note of her removing me and called her a bunch of times and text her a bunch of times. She eventually says she is done. I sent her a bunch of texts saying things didn't have to be this way and she could at least be my friend. She didn't respond to those and I wrote her an email saying how sorry I was for everything and that I just wanted to make things right After that, I wrote version 2.0 of this email like 2 days later saying how much I missed her and loved her and just wanted to be back together. She didn't respond and like 2 days later I sent her a text saying basically all of those things. Couple days later, I text her a song and saying I was thinking of her and hoped school was going well. Lastly, I sent her a text saying I was working on the way I handle my anger, I plan on fixing things and I hope she can find it in her heart to give this a second chance and i'll be here when she is ready to talk. The longest I have gone without contacting her is like a week and I am so heartbroken to have lost someone that was so good to me, so considerate and made me feel so completed. I feel lost in the world and I fear running into her in person bc it would hurt so bad if I went to get ignored or see her with someone else. Please help :/ Can I just say what you doing man....you going all about the wrong way. Blowing up her phone, sending roses and 4 ft cards.,,,,,,no no no..... And don't listen women on here they will tell you all the wrong stuff.... Just say I love you but I am out of here until you change your mind and if you do call me and never contact her again. She will come back....no creepy sucking up stuff... Never send flowers unless the relationships on good terms. Sympathy and neediness women find unattractive. And don't listen to what women respond to with this. Be a man your acting like a girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 I really just want to give myself the best possible chance of getting back with her in the future. People say to leave her alone and let her be, but it feels like I would just be pushing her away if I do that. I honestly have no idea what to do its been just over two weeks since my last text and her bday is Friday . Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 I really just want to give myself the best possible chance of getting back with her in the future. People say to leave her alone and let her be, but it feels like I would just be pushing her away if I do that. I honestly have no idea what to do its been just over two weeks since my last text and her bday is Friday . Do what you want. It's clear that you aren't going to listen and that you are intent on just making a fool of yourself, so do it. I mean, people keep repeating themselves and keep explaining themselves yet you ignore it. So go stalk and harass her -- it's clearly what you want to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fixing Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 I really just want to give myself the best possible chance of getting back with her in the future. People say to leave her alone and let her be, but it feels like I would just be pushing her away if I do that. I honestly have no idea what to do its been just over two weeks since my last text and her bday is Friday . She pushed you away... You go messaging her now, you will become that irritating and unwanted attention that your ex does not want. Be strong and stay NC. Do not text her on her birthday 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 Mate just leave it for a while at least? I know how hard it is to let go. But she has so you must as well. Hard at the start but gets easier. Listen to the guys and girls here. They have helped me through very dark times and continue to do so. So swallow that pride and let her be for a while? Take care. I really just want to give myself the best possible chance of getting back with her in the future. People say to leave her alone and let her be, but it feels like I would just be pushing her away if I do that. I honestly have no idea what to do its been just over two weeks since my last text and her bday is Friday . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 Do what you want. It's clear that you aren't going to listen and that you are intent on just making a fool of yourself, so do it. I mean, people keep repeating themselves and keep explaining themselves yet you ignore it. So go stalk and harass her -- it's clearly what you want to do. I didnt know a happy birthday text is stalking. I'm just trying to give myself the best chance of getting her back in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Jules78 Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 (edited) Can I just say what you doing man....you going all about the wrong way. Blowing up her phone, sending roses and 4 ft cards.,,,,,,no no no..... And don't listen women on here they will tell you all the wrong stuff.... Just say I love you but I am out of here until you change your mind and if you do call me and never contact her again. She will come back....no creepy sucking up stuff... Never send flowers unless the relationships on good terms. Sympathy and neediness women find unattractive. And don't listen to what women respond to with this. Be a man your acting like a girl. Hey now! And I actually agree with everything else you said! Nevergoodenough - it's true. Leave her alone and she will come to you. Don't do anything else. Trust me. I did not like being chased, begged, sent flowers, etc. when we were broken up. It ANNOYED ME! Once he gave up and went NC I was freaking out. It's the truth. Go NC and see what happens. Edited December 3, 2013 by Jules78 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevergoodenough Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 Hey now! And I actually agree with everything else you said! Nevergoodenough - it's true. Leave her alone and she will come to you. Don't do anything else. Trust me. I did not like being chased, begged, sent flowers, etc. when we were broken up. It ANNOYED ME! Once he gave up and went NC I was freaking out. It's the truth. Go NC and see what happens. The last text I sent her was just over two weeks ago though and her b day is on Friday, what do u think? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 I didnt know a happy birthday text is stalking. I'm just trying to give myself the best chance of getting her back in the future. Well, for the 48th time, contacting her DOES NOT GIVE YOU THAT CHANCE. You have to LEAVE HER ALONE COMPLETELY and MAYBE she'll miss you. She can't miss someone who doesn't go away and sending her a happy birthday message does not do that. MAYBE if she misses you enough SHE'LL CONTACT you. That's literally the only way it can work and everyone who has commented on your threads has said as much. But you refuse to listen, so that is why we are all frustrated with you. It's pointless to come on a website for advice if you are just looking for people to agree with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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