So Broken....

[Haydn]

today empty back tomorrow!

[nevergoodenough]

today empty back tomorrow!

 

I couldn't find your thread.

I really just want to give myself the best chance of getting her back guys.

[organizedchaos]

I couldn't find your thread.

I really just want to give myself the best chance of getting her back guys.

 

And we've told you how to do that.

 

Just let it go. Let her go.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Do you love her? Do you respect her? If your answer to these questions are YES then LEAVE HER ALONE.

 

Love her enough to let her heal from the hurt you've caused. She knows you're sorry and that you regret your actions but sometimes that's simply not good enough to continue a relationship.

 

She does not want to be with you. That is all you need to know right now.

 

Prove to her that you love her by respecting her wishes and leaving her alone.

 

Prove that you're worth another shot by going NC and focusing on becoming a better man.

 

Any other action (contacting her, trying to see her, etc) is proving that you are the same angry, threatening and unchangeable person that she chose to leave.

 

Prove you're a better man than the one who hurt her so badly...prove that to yourself first.

[nevergoodenough]

Then that's doing nothing. Because contacting her is the best way to drive her away. No question.

 

Thank you for your time and effort in helping me. I greatly appreciate all of you guys responding. I'm going to follow your advice and stop contacting her. I hope she decides to contact me at some point bc I really miss her and want to be with her. I know I messed up, I just hope I get a chance to fix this.

[mirage12]

I have a related question that OP might find helpful too (not trying to hijack). I've posted a few times about my own situation, but taking what Op said and projecting out into the future - what do you do if the ex does reach out and says she misses you/wants to meet up? Many people on here have said don't respond, do nothing unless she says something extreme like "let's get back together."

 

I'm curious as to why her communication would need to be so extreme. Even if the situation happens (or happens to OP in the future, as he hopes), doesn't it seem like you and the ex would be starting from square one? Not exactly jumping back into anything, or even able to express something so direct, especially after sorting through the emotional experience of a breakup. I get that everyone on here gives answers in black and white because it's best to protect the dumpee. But if the ex does start to reach out again and/or wants to meet up, how do you keep ANY line of communication open by being fully NC? Is it so horrible to initiate contact if they have started to reopen the lines?

[Never Again]

I have a related question that OP might find helpful too (not trying to hijack). I've posted a few times about my own situation, but taking what Op said and projecting out into the future - what do you do if the ex does reach out and says she misses you/wants to meet up? Many people on here have said don't respond, do nothing unless she says something extreme like "let's get back together."

 

I'm curious as to why her communication would need to be so extreme. Even if the situation happens (or happens to OP in the future, as he hopes), doesn't it seem like you and the ex would be starting from square one? Not exactly jumping back into anything, or even able to express something so direct, especially after sorting through the emotional experience of a breakup. I get that everyone on here gives answers in black and white because it's best to protect the dumpee. But if the ex does start to reach out again and/or wants to meet up, how do you keep ANY line of communication open by being fully NC? Is it so horrible to initiate contact if they have started to reopen the lines?

 

There are two general rule of thumb here:

 

1.) If you have to ask if you're ready to see you're ex, you're probably not.

 

2.) If your ex really does have even the slightest amount of REAL interest in trying again, they need to be willing to let you know. It doesn't need to be EXTREME, but they need to be willing to handle a bit of rejection themselves. "Playing it safe" means they're not really interested.

 

Does it fit every situation? Probably not. But if you're healed...and I mean 100% healed and over the breakup, then you wouldn't really be concerned about it.

 

There's room for flexibility of course. If my ex was to contact me in 6 months and ask to meet up, I'd probably come asking the forum because I've come to trust many of the people here...and because I know I'd be too close to the situation to see it clearly.

[mirage12]

Definitely, I hear you on that. Just wondering what the approach is if/when they do reach out/want to meet up. I suppose there's a difference between what looks like opening the door to potentially wanting to retry and flat out saying "let's try it again." The latter seems so extreme to me...has anyone experienced an ex actually being so forward in that way? It would seem, for both parties sake, that jumping right back into things would be a bad choice from both ends and that moving really slowly/testing the water is how it would play out?

[nevergoodenough]

Do you love her? Do you respect her? If your answer to these questions are YES then LEAVE HER ALONE.

 

Love her enough to let her heal from the hurt you've caused. She knows you're sorry and that you regret your actions but sometimes that's simply not good enough to continue a relationship.

 

She does not want to be with you. That is all you need to know right now.

 

Prove to her that you love her by respecting her wishes and leaving her alone.

 

Prove that you're worth another shot by going NC and focusing on becoming a better man.

 

Any other action (contacting her, trying to see her, etc) is proving that you are the same angry, threatening and unchangeable person that she chose to leave.

 

Prove you're a better man than the one who hurt her so badly...prove that to yourself first.

 

Do you also feel the best chance I have of getting her back in the future is to leave her alone? That contacting her at all would be pushing her away?

[fixing]

I have a related question that OP might find helpful too (not trying to hijack). I've posted a few times about my own situation, but taking what Op said and projecting out into the future - what do you do if the ex does reach out and says she misses you/wants to meet up? Many people on here have said don't respond, do nothing unless she says something extreme like "let's get back together."

 

I'm curious as to why her communication would need to be so extreme. Even if the situation happens (or happens to OP in the future, as he hopes), doesn't it seem like you and the ex would be starting from square one? Not exactly jumping back into anything, or even able to express something so direct, especially after sorting through the emotional experience of a breakup. I get that everyone on here gives answers in black and white because it's best to protect the dumpee. But if the ex does start to reach out again and/or wants to meet up, how do you keep ANY line of communication open by being fully NC? Is it so horrible to initiate contact if they have started to reopen the lines?

 

That question entirely depends on the circumstances of the break up.

For OP's situation, if his ex sent him an email saying 'Hey, been thinking about you, how are things' Then he should dive head first into that conversation because he really did some hurtful things to his ex and caused the break up. Plus he still madly wants her back.

 

Next example.

If say, the dumpee and the ex had been together for 2 years until the dumper left him for someone else and completely broke his heart. The dumpee will be dying of heartache and rejection. He has to protect himself and go NO contact. As we all know, Dumper's almost ALWAYS throw breadcrumbs which 95% of the time turn out to be nothing other then them looking for ego boosts.

Dumper 'Hey, how are you? Its been a long time?'

After all the pain she has caused him by leaving him, thats the BEST she can come up with???

Its best to stay NC because it breadcrumbs that will lead to more heartache.

She should be bending over backwards to win him back, not some stupid meaningless mundane text.

 

Its a complex and broad question but most of the time if a dumpee receives texts/calls from the dumper they often fail to realise its nothing but breadcrumbs.

You will know 100% if your ex wants back, because she will be banging down the door, and its only when its that obvious you should respond, and by then you have all the power and its YOU who decides if you want them back.

 

TLDR

That question entirely depends on the circumstances of each individual break up.

[mirage12]

My ex and I broke up 3.5 weeks ago. Went almost complete NC for two weeks , and then she's started to reach out to me...asked a week ago if she could get me a drink. Again, I have no idea what her intentions are or what she really wants...but I do know that if I would've been contacting her constantly before this, she never would have reached out.

 

I did that with my ex before her and I was very very pathetic about it. She only reached out or responded out of what was probably pity.

[Never Again]

Definitely, I hear you on that. Just wondering what the approach is if/when they do reach out/want to meet up. I suppose there's a difference between what looks like opening the door to potentially wanting to retry and flat out saying "let's try it again." The latter seems so extreme to me...has anyone experienced an ex actually being so forward in that way? It would seem, for both parties sake, that jumping right back into things would be a bad choice from both ends and that moving really slowly/testing the water is how it would play out?

 

It's better to cross that bridge IF you get to it, which isn't very often.

 

If you constantly wonder this, then you're more prone to respond (and respond poorly) to breadcrumbs.

 

Delays your healing, validates their dumping you, gives them an ego boost and helps them move on...the usual jazz.

 

When you truly move on and begin to not really give a damn, then any chance of reconciliation would be natural. Nothing to be in a stir about.

 

That being said, "starting over" and starting slow really would be the only good way to do it...but that can only happen looooooooooong after both parties have moved on, grown, and fixed whatever personal issues they had that contributed to the break.

 

Better to not consider the possibility, to be honest. Think of it as a reverse self-fulfilling prophecy: the only chance you have, is to proceed as if you don't have a chance at all. At that point, it doesn't really matter much.

[mirage12]

That question entirely depends on the circumstances of the break up.

For OP's situation, if his ex sent him an email saying 'Hey, been thinking about you, how are things' Then he should dive head first into that conversation because he really did some hurtful things to his ex and caused the break up. Plus he still madly wants her back.

 

Next example.

If say, the dumpee and the ex had been together for 2 years until the dumper left him for someone else and completely broke his heart. The dumpee will be dying of heartache and rejection. He has to protect himself and go NO contact. As we all know, Dumper's almost ALWAYS throw breadcrumbs which 95% of the time turn out to be nothing other then them looking for ego boosts.

Dumper 'Hey, how are you? Its been a long time?'

After all the pain she has caused him by leaving him, thats the BEST she can come up with???

Its best to stay NC because it breadcrumbs that will lead to more heartache.

She should be bending over backwards to win him back, not some stupid meaningless mundane text.

 

Its a complex and broad question but most of the time if a dumpee receives texts/calls from the dumper they often fail to realise its nothing but breadcrumbs.

You will know 100% if your ex wants back, because she will be banging down the door, and its only when its that obvious you should respond, and by then you have all the power and its YOU who decides if you want them back.

 

TLDR

That question entirely depends on the circumstances of each individual break up.

 

This is why I'm a little at a loss. My situation is unlike either - I believe we split because she was going through some extreme external stress/depression, some of which was recently alleviated (long story, career related). The way we left things was that she couldn't handle the relationship because she recognized she was broken and needed to do something to fix herself.

 

I'm also not sure how to approach the "heavy lifting." When she asked me to meet up we couldn't really plan because it was thanksgiving week. She did ask me "when" and I was very vague, just saying "hopefully soon"/after thanksgiving.

[Simon Phoenix]

Definitely, I hear you on that. Just wondering what the approach is if/when they do reach out/want to meet up. I suppose there's a difference between what looks like opening the door to potentially wanting to retry and flat out saying "let's try it again." The latter seems so extreme to me...has anyone experienced an ex actually being so forward in that way? It would seem, for both parties sake, that jumping right back into things would be a bad choice from both ends and that moving really slowly/testing the water is how it would play out?

 

Yes I have. I have had an ex say straight out that she wanted another chance. Others on here have as well. So yes, it happens, no matter how badly you want to believe it doesn't and that you have to do all the work to restart a relationship that you didn't end. And you probably should have started another thread.

[nevergoodenough]

Yes I have. I have had an ex say straight out that she wanted another chance. Others on here have as well. So yes, it happens, no matter how badly you want to believe it doesn't and that you have to do all the work to restart a relationship that you didn't end. And you probably should have started another thread.

 

Totally agree on that, lets bring the focus of this thread back to my situation.

[nevergoodenough]

I don't know what else there is to say about your situation. It's probably time for the mods to lock this down.

 

Do I just not text, call or email anymore and hope she decides to at some point or what? I dk why but I weirdly feel discouraged when I hear other success stories. Makes me feel like I butchered the chances of her contacting me again.

[fixing]

Nevergoodenough listen, i dont know how old you are, im 27 now. My first relationship was with a girl for 4 years. I was young, inexperienced, angry, bitter at the world and i said some nasty things in arguments and did some things i regret, just like you did. She was the 'Love' of my life.

She finally had had enough and finished with me. (And rightly so)

 

Instead of me respecting her wishes, i kept phoning, texting, writing her love letters, sending roses (All of the cringeworthy things)

 

IT DROVE HER FURTHER AWAY. If i had just given her space and time, she would have probably began talking to me again. I blew it.

 

7 years later i emailed her through facebook to genuinely say 'Hey, how are you?' (Nothing more, im over her obv)

And she completely ignored me.

 

Listen to the advice ffs.

[Simon Phoenix]

Do I just not text, call or email anymore and hope she decides to at some point or what? I dk why but I weirdly feel discouraged when I hear other success stories. Makes me feel like I butchered the chances of her contacting me again.

 

This wasn't the cue for you to reask the same questions you've asked 100 times already. No one is going to give you a different answer than the one you've gotten.

[nevergoodenough]

This wasn't the cue for you to reask the same questions you've asked 100 times already. No one is going to give you a different answer than the one you've gotten.

 

Not looking for a different answer, just clarification and making sure I understand correctly.

[William]

Hello,

 

Moderation copied some postings that were reported as a threadjack in progress to a more appropriate thread. I left them here to provide any relevant context for this thread's topic. Please confine comments to the thread starter's topic and you may address member mirage12's postings here:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/446490-feel-like-i-m-going-crazy

 

Thanks!

[mirage12]

Not looking for a different answer, just clarification and making sure I understand correctly.

 

I think we all know what we are supposed to do...we also ask on here and everyone tries to give us objective advice that we should listen to. You already know the answer is to not contact...I do too. But I get how hard it is...I've broken it even though I know I shouldn't, and it gives me false hope and drives me insane each time.

 

Your case is more extreme - you tried the contact and I think she told you to stop? In some situations it's more vague or ex gives you breadcrumbs. What your ex said to you seems pretty clear...I think you KNOW you have to stop. In a way, maybe that'll give you some closure.

[Simon Phoenix]

Not looking for a different answer, just clarification and making sure I understand correctly.

 

It ain't rocket science. All you have to do in relation to her is nothing. Just work on yourself. It's up to her to contact you if she chooses.

[organizedchaos]

Do I just not text, call or email anymore and hope she decides to at some point or what? I dk why but I weirdly feel discouraged when I hear other success stories. Makes me feel like I butchered the chances of her contacting me again.

 

Damn man, how many times do we have to go over this? Holy hell. How hard is it to understand the phrase: DO NOT CONTACT HER.

 

Please lock this thread already.

[nevergoodenough]

I know everyone says to post here instead of texting the person. I want to text her this

I love you, please come back to me.

 

Ahh man, I miss this girl.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

That's called begging. Don't do it.

 

I REALLY want him to do it honestly. As you (and I) have mentioned, I dont think he will get it until he realizes the mistake it is..... ORRRR he is a troll. The jury is still deliberating.