Finally getting the courage to tell... with bad results. (long post)

[MarlaSinger]

My first post after lurking for months! Please be kind if it's too long.

 

So, many, many years ago, about 15 to be exact, I went on a date where I informed him that no matter how well it went, I didn't want to sleep with him. I told him that I wasn't against being intimate, but I didn't rush things so I didn't want the expectation to be there. It had the effect I wanted. He smiled and said of course, and we had a breezy date without much tension at all.

 

Until I "woke up" with him on top of me. Having sex in his apartment.

 

I immediately got up with a WTH feeling and started to put clothes back on. The first thing I noticed is my bra strap was broken... and I showed him (who at this point, was sitting back on his knees, looking a little scared) who blurted out "I didn't do that". Yeah, ok. Well whatever.... as I got up and dressed he started telling me that what happened is what I wanted. Since we were at a bar, I got drunk and changed my mind about being intimate. I didn't say much and gathered my things and started walking out of the apt and ran into his roomie walking out with another band member. He looked at how devastated I must have looked and stopped dead. He stopped me and asked if I was ok. Offered to drop me off anywhere. But I couldn't make myself talk so I just walked out as my date walked behind me starting to call me names and being mildly threatening. Apparently he had a girlfriend so I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. Just when I thought I couldn't process anymore surprises I hit the street. Alone. And I'd never seen the front door so I had no idea where in my city I was... I walked a couple blocks and recognized the area, hailed a cab, went home and cried.

 

Fast forward about 4 months.

 

I was in a club with girlfriends when my ex date's roomie walked right up to me. I'd only met him here and there around my city so I barely recognized him, but he apparently truly knew me. He pulled me aside and said he couldn't sleep when he thought about me. That his roommate bragged about how when I said no sex, he brought me to a bar where he knew the bartender who slipped a roofie in my drink. The date apparently barely got me home and the roomie himself witnessed me walking out of the bar with eyes almost completely closed, tripping hard down stairs the date was practically dragging me down.

 

I begged him to stand up for me so I could report the "date". He said he couldn't, that the guy would ruin his life a thousand times over (he was reallly scared) but he wanted to give me some peace. He then sort of disappeared. Ive never seen him again, and he stopped living with that guy.

 

So I DO report this guy to the police. They took the report but said they couldn't, or wouldn't prosecute him based on an old incident and no positive kit. I considered the matter as closed as I could.

 

Fast forward about 12 years.

 

My then-husband becomes a drunk after serving years on and off overseas and begins a recurrent series of in-home violent and forced sex with me over the span of a few months before I could set up things well enough to leave him with myself and child protected. It happened so much and brought everything up from the first incident... but I'm safe now. He can never do it again. We aren't together anymore, Im safe and so is my (unabused) child.

 

I've finally had enough balance and self discovery to date again, and I admitted to my new BF how I like unconventional sex. He asked what the worst situation I'd ever had related to that (or non-vanilla sex) and all sorts of other exploring questions and I brought up the first incident, and it was very hard. Sharing is hard for me. I shouldn't have, in retrospect. I said too much. He started looking for correlations or solutions to my problem (?) I guess and I felt very stupid for sharing with him. He had been a friend on and off most of my life before we started dating so he now understood more about my exH, but this incident was new...

 

The conversation took a lot of bad turns, became about his issues with me here and there... the way bad fights ignited and fueled by deep and very personal emotions can. He left for a scheduled trip that morning and we've been apart all weekend.

 

So we've barely talked. He has fallen over himself apologizing for not listening and being there for me after I admitted everything to him. I have simply fallen apart.

 

I don't feel like he's on my side anymore. He really wants to fix this and feels bad for the distance until we can repair something that went so ugly, but I don't know... (I didn't even tell my exH until his post-war doc told him my reactions to his abuse probably started somewhere else, FWIW) I just feel like I finally told someone after so long, felt close enough to someone to do it

 

And he made it sound like my fault. Because the guy knew I like spicy sex... or maybe I'm overreacting... or maybe I'm so confused and I don't know if I can trust anyone...

 

I'm so sad.