Massive confusion, sticky situation. Please give advice.

[Junie408]

The past few weeks have been so terribly confusing that I just want to rip my hair out. Sorry, but this is a long post.

 

I'm a young, college age girl who has mostly male friends. This usually isn't a problem; if one expresses interest and I do not reciprocate, I make it clear that I feel nothing there. The rest I assume are either not interested or not interested enough for it to matter. Except for two...

 

The first friend, Male #1 (we'll call him M1 to make it easy) is admittedly an ex. The classic story of boy meets girl, becomes friends with girl, falls in love with girl, girl is not interested, boy waits it out, girl reciprocates (after 3 years!), boy dates girl for two years, boy breaks up with girl. I wanted him back fr a while after the break-up but eventually got over it. We soent a good 6 months practically not speaking, then 6 months ago or so suddenly he's trying to get back in my life again. At first I was apathetic and tried not to care, then he started to grow on me even though I tried for him not to. The signs are ALL there-up at school he wants to hang out a lot, calls to talk, looks at me when he thinks I don't notice, is flirty, always very concerned about what is going on in my life,pays attention to me the most in a group etc. etc. The only thing he hasn't done is actually tell me he wants to come back. Not that I've been encouraging-although I do love him again I know (externally) I fluctuate between hot and cold; due to my fear of getting hurt again by having misinterpreted his signs. Especially the past few weeks I've been more cold than nice, with the exception of the nice Christmas gift I got him. He got me two gifts...one expensive and impersonal (not jewlery) the other not-so-expensive but definitely with personal connotations (not sex related). He hasn't dated anyone since we broke up, even though a few girls have been interested. He also doesn't really have any other female friends; he has a few from classes and whatnot but no other girls he talks to on a regular basis. He has quite a few guy buddies though.

 

The second male friend, M2, is extremely unfortunately one of M1's two best friends. He's in the military, and I've known him since M1 and I were dating. Once M1 and I broke up, he started expressing some interest when he was home on leave. Last Christmas when he was on leave, we did some fooling around and admitted that we had feelings for each other. M1 and I had already been broken up for almost a year, but I'm still surprised that it happened. We both agreed though that we didn't want to do the whole long distance relationship thing. So technically, that ended once he was back on duty across the country; and I tried my best to move on from him as well. I pretty much did, I didn't have the chance to get too attached to him; which was good as a few months after that he was shipped to Iraq for a while. That actually was painful for myself (and M1) as we were worried about his well-being. He ended up coming back and has been on leave during our Winter vacation from college. The past few months things have been tense between M2 and I-I find that I get irritated by him quite a lot, and then he gets upset and tells me that he thinks about me, likes me too much for me to hate him, misses me, etc. I always apologize and tell him that I shouldn't behave so negatively. I don't reciprocate all of the other things he says, however, because I don't really feel the same. I care a lot about him, and am attracted to him (because he IS attractive) but I do not wish to pursue a relationship with him; mostly because I feel so strongly for M1. I've never told M1 about what happened with M2; not sure if M2 has told M1 anything. In fact, I'm completely clueless as to what those two know about how the other feels about me. With M2, I just want to be friends with him again, and nothing more...but it's exceedingly difficult. I don't want to encourage him, but I don't want to drive him away outside the realms of friendship either. He's a great guy, but not the guy for me.

 

M2 has been here for leave again, and I feel as if I'm breaking apart. I've not seen any of M1 except in groups (though he did try to get me to help him Christmas shop for another mutual friend, and I declined like an idiot...). The undivided attention M1 used to give me has become slightly divided as he's happy to see his friend who he also hadn't seen in about a year. M2 I have hung out with alone and he consistently tries to touch me, rubs my arm, back etc...and even in front of M1 he does this! The more confused I seem to get, the worse it becomes. It's come to a pont where I'm being quite distant to both because I'm hurting so badly. I regret getting involved with M2 last year because I never want to mess up their friendship. Perhaps they've resolved that on their own but I'm highly doubting this, actually. Unless I'm absolutely hallucinating, M1 has feelings for me, and M2 either also has feelings for me or just wants to fool around with me again. Neither will just tell me what they want. What I want at the moment is to rebuild a relationship with M1 that I am quite positive would work after all this time off we've taken. If that started to occur, of course I'd tell him what happened with M2, as I will not keep any secrets from him. Is it a bad idea I have never told M1, even if we're currently just "friends"? What could I do to encourage M1 to open up to me more about "us", as I have been very bad about encouraging the few moves he has made? Or am I obviously reading too much into M1's actions and just need to forget about him? Is there any way to remedy this situation without both parties getting hurt? They're both wonderful guys and do not deserve to be hurt, or their friendship hurt, because of me.

 

Why am I so confused...?

[overseas2004]

Number 1... They spoke to each other about it and M! knows for sure. Men talk too.... and he saw him rubbing your arm for sure.

 

So you better have a talk with M1 about it if you want to have any integrity in his eyes after this.

 

Good luck and stop playing games. You arent good at it and it wont get you anywhere...

[Junie408]

I've been 20 for a while-so a little past the teenager part.

 

If they'd talked about it I don't see why M1 would condone M2's behavior and then me be the one without integrity in his eyes. Even when M2 flirts with me in front of everyone else I do not reciprocate; at the present I am doing nothing wrong. Sure, men talk too-so I'm assuming they'd reach an agreement of what's acceptable?

 

But thank you for the advice.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by Junie408

I at the present I am doing nothing wrong. Sure, men talk too-so I'm assuming they'd reach an agreement of what's acceptable?

 

 

what's acceptable? do you want them to deside who you can have when? like, one has you one week, the other gets you the next so you can kind of be with both, which may be what you want, i might imagine?

[Junie408]

Wow, you all are completely misunderstanding me. I had a fling with the second friend a YEAR ago. I moved on, and I have let him know that clearly; it's not my fault if he still has feelings for me despite the fact that I have clearly stated to him I wish for us to be friends, nothing more. Please do not insinuate that I am a whore who can't make up her mind. I KNOW what I want, thanks.

 

As an addendum, what I meant by "acceptable" was that they'd agree that I would never come between them; I would rather them both tell me that neither can have me because one of them dating me would ruin their friendship. It'd suck as I really want to work things out with my ex, but I would completely understand. Frienships are precious.

[Scififantasy78]

Please do not take this badly and I am certainly no expert but first off, I think you enjoy the attention...and are more caught up being the object of affection rather than maintaining a friendship and/or relationship. This is part of being young I think, when young we have the tendency to get caught up in social and superficial dramatics rather than see things for what they are.

 

If it were me, and I wanted to be friends with one of them, I would not date the other period. I would just try to be friends with them both unless struck by a feeling that one of them is undoubtedly the love of your life and your willing so sacrifice anyone who stands in your way for it. But in my own experience in younger years...dating within a circle of friends...or guy pals...can be asking for trouble.

 

-C

[Junie408]

I don't take it the wrong way, really. I don't mind the attention, you're right on that one. However, I'd trade it any day if I could just clear things up with the first guy I mentioned. I don't want two guys, or five. I want a committed relationship with M1; my mistakes thus far have been my pulling away from him because I'm scared that he'll hurt me like he did before. I don't know, maybe I wasn't being concise enough in my original post. I can assure you that I'm not a little attention-whore basking in the glow of male affection; that means nothing if the one I'm really in love with doesn't feel the same. Everything else is negligible. I'm just looking for a way to work out things with the first guy without hurting the other guy or their friendship with each other, is all.

 

Also, yeah I know dating within a circle of friends is asking for trouble. Which is why I really regretted what happened with the oter guy when it did. It's why I had always made it clear to guy friends that they were only that. M1 was an exception, because after a couple years of being a truly caring and supportive friend I fell in love with him; and falling OUT of love with him after we broke up was the hardest thing I have ever done. I apparently didn't do a good enough job of it, because it was easy to develop those feelings for him again. When what happened happened with M2, at the time I was over M1; but I felt guilty because i knew it was his friend-one of the two reasons I ended it there. Now I'm just in a pickle, is all.