Affair 1o1

[MT]

Learn from the mistakes of others because you will never live long enough to make them all yourself.

 

My wife's affair innocently like many others do. We have been married for 12 years - her second marriage - divorced because her husband had an affair and my first marriage. The house was finally an empty nest when her youngest son went to college. She missed nurturing someone. She says missed that feeling of someone being dependent upon her.

 

Six years prior to the affair, my wife hired a 21-year male at her workplace. She often told me how she was trying to improve his lot by promoting him because he had had a tough time growing up. I often joked that he was her "other" son. Little did I know she would be having an affair with him. Her need to be needed went too far.

 

I could tell something was not right with our marriage about two years ago but thought it was because of her going through menopause. I will let you do the math - she is 52 and her lover is 27. It was my mistake for not asking what was wrong with our marriage.

 

I found out about the affair when her lover called me. He was upset because she was trying to end the affair (please, no sympathy for her because she was still sleeping with him a week before the call) and wanted to cause trouble between us since she was married to me. The affair had been going on for nine months. Needless to say my life changed forever at that moment.

 

I found journals and other mementos regarding her affair. She wrote of how she could experience her oldest son through her lover since she didn't have a chance to nurture him because of the divorce - both her son and lover are the same age.

 

Throughout our counseling, she denied the severity of the affair because "the affair wasn't based upon sex all the time". The lover no longer works with my wife. She struggled through the withdrawal of her lover with more lies to me about not communicating. My wife's personality has changed and is battling her demons.

 

Presently, we are separated. We lived together for a while after the disclosure but there was a layer of guilt and shame hanging in the air.

 

Here is another mistake - Prior to the affair, we were not walking with Lord Jesus Christ. Now we are and we are now asking Jesus what was the purpose for this interruption in our lives. We are waiting for His guidance.

 

My struggle is this - I am supposed to forgive because I want Jesus to forgive my sins, too. So I forgive my wife but what do I do about the forgetting? It's been over a year and I think about the affair throughout the day and night.

 

So if any of you are thinking of having an affair, please read The Bible, After the Affair and Ron Mehl's The Tender Commandments first.

[moimeme]

She wrote of how she could experience her oldest son through her lover since she didn't have a chance to nurture him because of the divorce - both her son and lover are the same age.

 

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

 

Since when did a 27-year-old need 'nurturing' anyway???

 

EW EW EW EW EW

 

See a counsellor. Heaven knows she needs to, as well.

[quankanne]

you ask what do I do about the forgetting? It's been over a year and I think about the affair throughout the day and night.

 

Somewhere I'd read a column by a Catholic writer who talked about forgiving the other person when you'd been horribly wrong, and she asked the same thing: how do you forget something so painful?

 

her answer was that initially, you are so consumed by the hurt even as you struggle to forgive that person. you find that you tell yourself many times a day that you forgive, even as you experience pain ... then one day, you find that you begin believing those words of forgiveness, and you let go of that pain little by little. One day, you can genuinely forgive that transgression even as you remember it, because it no longer has that power over you.

 

it takes a long time, but it does happen. in the meantime, keep praying for your wife, and keep praying for yourself, that you can truly experience the healing power that comes with genuinely forgiving someone who done you wrong.

 

hugs,

quank

[MT]

moimeme,

I am not defending my wife but she told me she was helping him pull up his bootstraps. Like I said, she was trying to experience her son through her lover.

Pretzel logic to me.

 

We did go to counseling but it got expensive plus I asked the counselor if he or his wife ever had an affair and he said he hadn't and suspected his wife hadn't either. I thought to myself - Then you don't know the feelings I am going through. So I am getting free advice from people who have been in the trenches.

[MT]

quankanne,

Thanks for the comforting thoughts. One day I will understand why I am experiencing this.

[MT]

It's great to read your posts because when I speak of our marriage troubles to my friends and relatives I chose to not to discuss my wife's affair. In this forum I can read honest comments without the fear of hurting her reputation.

 

Thanks to all.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by MT

We did go to counseling but it got expensive plus I asked the counselor if he or his wife ever had an affair and he said he hadn't and suspected his wife hadn't either. I thought to myself - Then you don't know the feelings I am going through.

 

MT, that isn't a very good reason to stop seeing a counsellor. These people get training on how to handle and help people through this. Sure, it helps to have other people who have experienced what you are going through, but don't discount counsellors altogether just because they haven't been in your shoes. My wife and I lost our infant daughter 11 days after she was born. Should I only go to a grief counsellor that has lost an infant child?

 

 

Not really sure from your initial post, but are you just warning other people about affairs? Are you asking for advice on how to reconcile and save your marriage? Are you just venting and getting these things off your chest?

[Bryanp]

MT,

 

You know what I found so sad about all of this. Here is your wife who was betrayed by her husband in her first marriage and she must have felt totally destroyed and humilated by it. So what does she do - exactly the same thing to you. She of all people must have known what she was going to put you through.

 

I find her logic convoluted at best. How do you think she would have reacted if you told her you had a sexual affair with a young woman for almost a year because you wanted to nuture her and help her raise herself up in life? Oh Please....

She is still not telling you the truth in all probability. She enjoyed the attention of a young stud. How would she feel if the roles had been reversed and you betrayed your marriage and constantly put her health at risk?

 

It just sounds to me she is not being totally honest with you and still does not respect you. "The affair was not based on sex all of the time" would have made me sick hearing that as I am sure you did. She was trying to justify her betrayal to you. Again how would she be feeling if the roles were reversed and you said all of the things trying to justify your affair? I am afraid she still does not get it. I wish you luck.

[jmargel]

If you two want to work this out, you will both need to go back to counseling. Even if just for yourself. There are christian counselors out there if you feel more comfortable with that.

 

As for your wife saying that, that's maybe what she truly believes in why she had the affair. I hate to bring this up, but she hasn't had any thing sexual with her son, has she? Has she expressed remorse and guilt for what she has done to you? You said your marriage was in turmoil 2 years prior to this, so this affair is based on a number of factors. Check out my link in my signature, I discuss some of those things.

 

Usually communication problems are the first things to pop up, as a long list of reasons why a marriage falls apart and why affairs happen.

 

As for your issues, you are going through the 5 stages of grief in a way. If you do a search for that, it will talk about what these stages are. Overworking your brain about the past events is going to do you no good. No amount of thinking or wishing will reverse what happened. If you let the demons of the past into your life, you will never be able to continue happily into the future. When you notice yourself thinking bad thoughts about her, or that past event, change your thinking into something positive. Pick out a time and or a place that the two of you were happy and relive that moment in your mind.

 

Although she has alot of counseling to go through, if she loves you enough she will do it. Trust is very hard to rebuild, its because its one of the most important ingredients in a marriage. What she did to you was very hurtful, but remember not to hurt yourself even more by continuing to focus on the negative.

[whichwayisup]

Listen to J he gives great advice from the heart.

 

I had to reply to your post, just to let you know I read it. She seems to be lost, maybe it is a midlife crisis thing, the empty nest syndrome, but most of all, she needs to fix herself first before fixing the marriage. Something has been missing for a while and yes, therapy can be expensive, keep on looking and you will find the right therapist with experience to help you both through this. Obviously you still love her and yes, in time you will forgive her, but forgetting takes a long time. Just read other posts about spouses dealing with all the pieces to pick up. Read DazednConfused's thread, his story is sad as well but atleast by reading and getting support you won't feel so alone.

 

I wish you the best and I hope you find forgiveness in time. Don't rush it, deal with emotions of the rollercoaster but know someday it will be better.

[MT]

Devildog,

Your point regarding the counselor is well taken. The counselor did indeed help. I apologize to any I offended.

 

Initially, with my post, I was trying to show others what can lead to an affair. In my case, it was a lack of communication with my wife. I sensed something was wrong and assumed my prognosis was right. I was wrong.

 

I suppose I am seeking your opinions and venting, too.

 

Thanks.

[MT]

Bryanp,

I used that logic early on and she could only say that her first husband's affair was "so long" ago (24 years) that she couldn't remember the pain.

 

From reading other posts in this forum, her justification is common. Still, that doesn't help me through this conflict.

 

Thanks.

[TMCM]

MT,

 

You will never forget your W's betrayal of her marital vows to but the emotional impact will diminish over time. Recovery, marital and personal, is a one day at a time process that cannot and should not be rushed. Just as it is totally unrealistic to expect that a badly injured victim of a collision to get up and dance shortly after the accident, so is your expectations to recover from your W's betrayal. Besides, if you were actually able forget your W's affair, then you are condeming yourself to repeat the past, and THAT is something that you do not want, do you?

 

TMCM

[Gunner]

My struggle is this - I am supposed to forgive because I want Jesus to forgive my sins, too. So I forgive my wife but what do I do about the forgetting? It's been over a year and I think about the affair throughout the day and night.

 

 

My wife and I did some counseling with our minister. It was not over an affair but over other marital issues. I asked him the same question and he told me that I would never forget the emotional pain of this issue but that I would know that I had been able to forgive when I reached the point that I could think about the issue but never bring it up in an argument or in a way that would be hurtful to my wife. The more I thought about it the more sense it made to me and through communication and hard work I have reached that point. I don't know if this will work for you but this small nugget of truth has really helped me out in our relationship.

 

Gunner

[MT]

jmargel,

We did counsel with a pastor-turned counselor. It helped.

 

No harm - she has not had an affair with her son. It is just a guilt-thing because she was not there to raise her eldest son.

 

I will read your link to see your discussion - in fact, I believe I have browsed there before.

 

Thanks.

[MT]

whichwayisup and TMCM.

Your words offer hope, too.

 

Thanks

[MT]

Devildog,

I apologize for my lack of manners and not offering to say to that I am sorry for your loss.

[Devildog]

MT, nothing to apologize for. Most people don't want to come near that, I am used to it. It is better to have someone say nothing sometimes.

[MT]

What are you opinions of this situation?

 

Prior to the sexual part of my wife's affair, she loaned her friend-turned-lover $5,000. This didn't cause me any concern when I found out because I knew she had "maternal" relationship with him. I thought it was to help him "get on his feet".

 

Now that the affair has been discovered, I want her to have no contact with her ex-lover. How can she be repaid the loan by him without contact. Although earlier in this drama I had no concern, I do now because I feel like he "wins" because he was sleeping with my wife and now he doesn't have to payback the loan.

 

Thanks

[TMCM]

Originally posted by MT

 

Now that the affair has been discovered, I want her to have no contact with her ex-lover. How can she be repaid the loan by him without contact. Although earlier in this drama I had no concern, I do now because I feel like he "wins" because he was sleeping with my wife and now he doesn't have to payback the loan.

 

Thanks

 

How can a man who has no morals 'win'? Yes he dupes, hurts and may even laugh at his victims but he is sowing the seeds of his own destruction and will one day reap it with interest.

 

Don't let your ego get the best of you in trying to recover your marriage and just write off the loan as a bad investment on your W's part.

 

TMCM

[nowherefast]

Originally posted by TMCM

How can a man who has no morals 'win'? Yes he dupes, hurts and may even laugh at his victims but he is sowing the seeds of his own destruction and will one day reap it with interest.

 

TMCM

 

 

Thank-You TMCM, I have been reading your posts and is just what I need to hear. I have a lot of anger toward the OW (plural), not so much for me but for what this has done to our family. I keep reminding myself that I belong to God and he will always take care of his own.

[MT]

I keep reminding myself that I belong to God and he will always take care of his own.

 

This is what I have been struggling with, too, for the past year. I am trying to love my wife as Paul writes in 1Corinthians 3-7. There he says we should be patient and keep no record of wrong doing. It is hard to truly forgive and forget no matter where you are in your walk with Christ. My wife is His own but made a big mistake. I know that I must forgive my wife so that I may be forgiven for my past, present and future sins.

 

Please don't commit adultery. Instead, please talk to your SO and tell them you feel your heart maybe changing and share your feelings with one another. Doing so will hurt less in the long run.