Where should a shy woman go?

[AnyaNova]

To increase the likelihood of finding someone compatible? Or at least possible dates of the male kind. :-)

 

Where do single, 35+ men hang out?

 

I am 35, I have tried bars, but there is always so much to look at, so many colors and people that my head keeps moving around, I get anxious, and I probably look really scared and unapproachable.

 

Coffee shops seem better, maybe, but the times I've gone no one has approached me. Would it be better for me to have as regular time that I went?

 

I mean, I'm going to try taking classes sometime at my gym, but I'm not sure how many there will be the literary type, if you know what I mean. I don't really have time for a devoted "class" of some type, because grad school has me loaded down with classes at the moment. :-)

 

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. I'm not in, you know, "heavy search mode" at the moment, but perhaps a light, keeping my eye out, and seeing what's out there mode.

[d0nnivain]

How about a meet up group? I joined one that met to play board games. You can really get to know somebody in a no-pressure setting playing monopoly with them for a few hours.

 

 

Check out singles groups that do things you are interested in: wine, chess, golf, politics. Volunteer somewhere. It's easier to overcome shyness if you have a purpose: taking tickets or handing out punch.

 

 

You said you don't like bars, but I just left one. There must have been 50 guys watching Sunday football and only about 10 women. Nice odds if you are single woman but unless you are into the game it can be a bit tricky to command a guy's attention in that setting.

[2fargone]

Wow, you seem a bit desperate (and I don't mean that in a negative way at all).

 

 

This single 35+ man doesn't hang out anywhere. He doesn't like bars and places like that. He works all day, comes home, has to make dinner.... And then he plays an online game with other people.

 

 

In all seriousness, isn't there something you do online ? I don't have facebook, but I can imagine you could chat up some people there so to speak ? Or maybe even find 'groups' with people with common interests ?

 

 

To me it would feel too forced to have to go somewhere and look for someone. I'm pretty sure it would be seen on my face it I were to go looking.

[carhill]

Where should a shy woman go?

 

Anyplace there are obviously more men than women, demographically. Make it obvious you're single and let nature take its course. The key with 'shy' is 'let', since shy people generally don't 'put it out there' and are more reserved, at least publicly. Facilitate and leave the rest up to the guy.

 

Where I live, you'd be single for a week, tops. Less if you're of child-bearing age. This presumes you'd choose to let nature take its course. The only single women around here are those who choose to be or whose lifestyle precludes interaction with other people.

[AnyaNova]

Anyplace there are obviously more men than women, demographically. Make it obvious you're single and let nature take its course. The key with 'shy' is 'let', since shy people generally don't 'put it out there' and are more reserved, at least publicly. Facilitate and leave the rest up to the guy.

 

Where I live, you'd be single for a week, tops. Less if you're of child-bearing age. This presumes you'd choose to let nature take its course. The only single women around here are those who choose to be or whose lifestyle precludes interaction with other people.

 

I want to live where you live! :-) Wow. Its not like that here.

[AnyaNova]

Wow, you seem a bit desperate (and I don't mean that in a negative way at all).

 

 

This single 35+ man doesn't hang out anywhere. He doesn't like bars and places like that. He works all day, comes home, has to make dinner.... And then he plays an online game with other people.

 

 

In all seriousness, isn't there something you do online ? I don't have facebook, but I can imagine you could chat up some people there so to speak ? Or maybe even find 'groups' with people with common interests ?

 

 

To me it would feel too forced to have to go somewhere and look for someone. I'm pretty sure it would be seen on my face it I were to go looking.

 

Not desperate per se, I simply know what it is that I want. I also know that it would be far to easy to give in to my natural shyness and take no steps to achieve what I want.

 

At the moment I am keeping it light and casual, see what's out there, and not thinking of big commitments.

[carhill]

OP, don't know where you live but here's a tip from decades of experience which might help... if you happen to be shopping and see a car show going on out in the parking lot, walk over and wander around and see what happens. Lots of single guys have interest in cars and most of my friends from around the country who do and are single are pretty successful and stable guys. At my age, most who are 'single' are divorced with grown children but I found that commonality to exist throughout my long love affair with cars and racing. When I go to shows, I enjoy watching a young lady bend over a fender and ask a 'dumb' question and see where things go. Sometimes they don't even have to do that. Guys will walk right up to them and start a conversation.

 

The hard part about 'shy', or perhaps 'reserved', as I was when younger, is putting oneself 'out there', if even to be in public. Getting out there is the first step. After that, it becomes much easier.

[AnyaNova]

OP, don't know where you live but here's a tip from decades of experience which might help... if you happen to be shopping and see a car show going on out in the parking lot, walk over and wander around and see what happens. Lots of single guys have interest in cars and most of my friends from around the country who do and are single are pretty successful and stable guys. At my age, most who are 'single' are divorced with grown children but I found that commonality to exist throughout my long love affair with cars and racing. When I go to shows, I enjoy watching a young lady bend over a fender and ask a 'dumb' question and see where things go. Sometimes they don't even have to do that. Guys will walk right up to them and start a conversation.

 

The hard part about 'shy', or perhaps 'reserved', as I was when younger, is putting oneself 'out there', if even to be in public. Getting out there is the first step. After that, it becomes much easier.

 

That is a fantastic idea! :-)

[Phoe]

Make it obvious you're single.

 

How does one do this? I've always wondered.

[melell]

Strip clubs- not kidding.

[Chris715]

How does one do this? I've always wondered.

 

If I see a woman out somewhere alone at a coffee shop, a book store, some event, etc. then I won't necessarily assume she's single, but I do see it as being ok for me to approach and show interest. If she happens to have a boyfriend or something then that's fine, obviously I couldn't have known and I know most women will be flattered that I just approached them to begin with.

 

So basically, being out in public alone makes it MUCH easier for a guy to approach. Be engaged in the people around you, and try to appear friendly, like smile if we happen to make eye contact, that sort of thing.

[Leeway Harris]

This is strange. I'm a single male in my late thirties, and I've always, ALWAYS got the impression that women do not like to be approached in public. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard women lament the fact that men just won't leave them alone. That they're just trying to drink their coffee, eat their lunch, or drink their beer in peace and they didn't go there to be hit on by all these losers, damn it!

 

But then the guys who don't care about that and approach anyway seem to be the ones who meet the most women. And the OP wants to be approached, so I don't know what to think.

 

As for advice, AnyaNova, men who are actively looking to meet a woman will be hanging out in places they think women will be. So while you're asking "Where do the men hang out?" they're asking "Where do the women hang out?" and going there. So don't forget to look for men in spin classes, wine tastings and cooking demonstrations as well.

[ThomasD]

. . . As for advice, AnyaNova, men who are actively looking to meet a woman will be hanging out in places they think women will be. So while you're asking "Where do the men hang out?" they're asking "Where do the women hang out?" and going there. So don't forget to look for men in spin classes, wine tastings and cooking demonstrations as well.

From reading her other threads . . . I don't think she really wants one of those "men who are actively looking to meet a woman" (and make a career out of looking, and scoring, and looking, and scoring . . . .). She'd like to find a guy who deeply wants a woman in his life for the very long run. I'm not sure those are the guys who "hang out" in any particular place.

[Leeway Harris]

From reading her other threads . . . I don't think she really wants one of those "men who are actively looking to meet a woman" (and make a career out of looking, and scoring, and looking, and scoring . . . .). She'd like to find a guy who deeply wants a woman in his life for the very long run. I'm not sure those are the guys who "hang out" in any particular place.

 

Not following your logic here. So a man can't be actively looking for a woman to be deeply in his life for the very long run? By that logic, if she goes to a car show to meet men, does that mean she's just looking to score? Or is it opposite for women? And if those men don't hang out anywhere, does that mean she has to go to their houses and knock on their doors?

[radiodarcy]

I want to live where you live! :-) Wow. Its not like that here.

 

I know what you mean. Where I live the ratio of women to men is like 10:1. Competition is high and it makes it very easy for shy bookish women like us to get overlooked

 

I take classes at the gym I frequent but - -of course due to the demographics I mentioned - - it's majority women.

[ThomasD]

. . . advice for introverts: it helps to have a shield, a go-between like a neighbor, a temporary job hire, etc., who introduces us to the person. for us introverts it's as important, if not more important, to locate not the person we want to find, but the person who will enable us to find the person we want to find. . . .

That's essentially my story, though I wasn't specifically trying to make it work that way. My wife's aunt was a friend of my parents . . .

[greenfairie]

Dude. I'm ****ing shy as hell but I have to push myself out there if I really want to meet people or connect on some level. I'm fortunate enough that some of my girlfriends are CRAZIER than me so they basically "force" me to go out with them sometimes. I just choose the crazy type of people that brings MY crazy out of my shell. Go out dancing! Go to a painting session, you might meet someone really cool thats looking for a friend too. Go join a club, just get out there!

[Leeway Harris]

Hi jan_may.

 

i'm reasonably attractive, & can say objectively that both my sisters are beautiful women who never get approached by men in public, nor do i.

 

So, I'm not sure if you're saying this is a good thing or a bad thing. Would you want more men to approach you in public? Because I was always under the impression that women don't like that, consider it creepy, intrusive, disrespectful, etc. For example, I spend a lot of time at the grocery store, and I often see women there that I would love to get to know, but I would never presume to bother a woman while she's trying to shop.

 

But I'm not trying to hijack the thread. The op wanted to know where she could go to meet men. I think the problem is that men and women are so afraid of each other they can't talk to each other outside of a bar. I don't like talking to drunk strangers in bars, but it seems to be the only acceptable way to meet people. It's like, if you're a woman in a bar, it's semi-reasonable for a man to assume that you're okay with being approached. All other places, no.

 

PS I can't speak for other men of course, but I love tall women, so I can't imagine your height has much to do with it.

[ThomasD]

. . . but it makes sense if you weren't trying to make it work that way it was allowed to happen naturally, which is wonderful. good people find good people

 

and it makes sense that older people make good matchmakers for their younger relatives too, with all the social connections they acquire over the years they have a bird's eye view.

You can find the fairly complete story in several of my old posts - let me know if you need help finding it. I don't know if writing letters to each other, sight unseen, for over three months before meeting in person is a "natural" way for it to happen but it was effective for us two quiet-and-shy people.

 

It wasn't a case of older folks' "connections" so much as their familiarity. My wife has a fairly close extended family, so her aunt knew her rather personally - personality, likes and dislikes, temperament, interests, etc. Her aunt was also the pastor's wife in the church my family attended during my High School and college years, so she knew many of the same things about me through church youth activities. We also crossed paths in school and through my brother's Scout activities with her son. So it wasn't a random connection, like you would get from the friends you hang out with. They would tend to pair you off with the first unattached and accessible person who comes to mind, since they haven't fully matured to recognizing the qualities of a good match for themselves, let alone others.

[ThomasD]

. . . i don't think approach in a busy, highly-staffed, public, well-lit place with lots of security cameras, like a grocery store, would lend itself to a creepy experience from a stranger. and food, any household product can be a great conversation starter. . . .

Disregarding the occasional cashier, sports spectator, trail walker, etc who is friendly or even a little flirty, but may or may not have been trying to "approach" me . . . I have been overtly approached (as in, "Do you have plans for tonight", "Would you join me for lunch", etc) by women in airports and on airplanes, in night school classes, laundromats, and at out-of-town customers' business locations.

 

Being shy - and very married - when it happened, I either politely declined, or kept the relationship at an appropriate business or school level. If I was unattached I could possibly see myself trying such an approach but it would take a lot of self-motivation to try it. For me, knowing the kind of person I'm attracted to, it would be most likely to happen in a school setting, professional conference, or possibly with a peer at work.

[ThomasD]

Not following your logic here. So a man can't be actively looking for a woman to be deeply in his life for the very long run? By that logic, if she goes to a car show to meet men, does that mean she's just looking to score? Or is it opposite for women? And if those men don't hang out anywhere, does that mean she has to go to their houses and knock on their doors?

I was grabbing the end of your previous comment, and trying to say that men who go places to look for women are most likely going there just to look for women - NOT looking for life partners, which is what I think AnyaNova (the OP) really desires.

 

On a somewhat philosophical level I don't even know if you can actually be "actively looking" for a life partner. Desiring one, yes; being vigilant to know one when you see him/her, yes; but "actively looking" - "beating the bushes" - "leaving no stone unturned" - I honestly don't know. (And now I'm sounding like deb again.)

 

And whether it's a girl going to a car show to meet guys, or a guy going to the Tupperware party to meet girls (does Tupperware still do parties?), in either case it's somebody not "being themselves". To some extent that's admirable, but not when you have a primarily ulterior motive (to connect with the opposite sex) rather than to admire and learn something about cars. Or tupperware.

[string of letters]

Everything I've read about Tinder looks horrendous. It's not something I would touch with a 10 foot pole (or barge pole, if you're in the UK ). Then it recently dawned on me 'Wait a minute... doesn't that mean I should try it?'! [Hasn't happened just yet, simply because I'm a little confused about the ios on my iPod touch....]

 

I'm not suggesting you try Tinder (how could I?!), but generally when I'm in a rut, I often find it's good to try something that seems totally out of character. Even if I don't find what I'm looking for, I usually learn something new, feel youthful and spontaneous again, and sometimes generate funny stories that are fun to tell a few years later.

[AnyaNova]

Strip clubs- not kidding.

 

If they work well for you, and you are comfortable there, you rock on! If there was a thumbs up smilie, I would totally put one here!

 

However, I think, just because of who I am, I would have to gouge my eyes out with a spoon if I ever went to one.

 

Also, I would prefer straight men of the type who found strip clubs not to their particular tastes (and yes, they are out there!)

[AnyaNova]

This is strange. I'm a single male in my late thirties, and I've always, ALWAYS got the impression that women do not like to be approached in public. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard women lament the fact that men just won't leave them alone. That they're just trying to drink their coffee, eat their lunch, or drink their beer in peace and they didn't go there to be hit on by all these losers, damn it!

 

But then the guys who don't care about that and approach anyway seem to be the ones who meet the most women. And the OP wants to be approached, so I don't know what to think.

 

As for advice, AnyaNova, men who are actively looking to meet a woman will be hanging out in places they think women will be. So while you're asking "Where do the men hang out?" they're asking "Where do the women hang out?" and going there. So don't forget to look for men in spin classes, wine tastings and cooking demonstrations as well.

 

As to the first part, sometimes this is true, however I think it is a safe bet, in most cases, that if a woman is out alone at a bar or coffee shop on a weekend evening/night, that she probably wouldn't mind being approached.

 

As to the strategy, yes, but the odds are less in your favor if you are where all the women go. The more women there are in the group, the more likely there are to be more younger, prettier, and skinnier women that the men tend to approach over you.

[AnyaNova]

From reading her other threads . . . I don't think she really wants one of those "men who are actively looking to meet a woman" (and make a career out of looking, and scoring, and looking, and scoring . . . .). She'd like to find a guy who deeply wants a woman in his life for the very long run. I'm not sure those are the guys who "hang out" in any particular place.

 

I definitely don't want someone who makes a career of looking and scoring. And you may be right, because just like me, many introvert men probably tend to prefer to meet someone naturally in their lives, rather than go on an endless parade of dates with relative strangers to audition which one you might eventually let stick their tongue in your mouth.

 

But i also know that the passive approach hasn't worked, online dating wound me up both here and then during my healing here, rejected by another man who turned out to be a holocaust revisionist. That went well. Not. So OLD has not been terribly effective.