thefooloftheyear Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 How does one do this? I've always wondered. Show off your best ASSets...:laugh: TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted November 30, 2013 Author Share Posted November 30, 2013 I was grabbing the end of your previous comment, and trying to say that men who go places to look for women are most likely going there just to look for women - NOT looking for life partners, which is what I think AnyaNova (the OP) really desires. On a somewhat philosophical level I don't even know if you can actually be "actively looking" for a life partner. Desiring one, yes; being vigilant to know one when you see him/her, yes; but "actively looking" - "beating the bushes" - "leaving no stone unturned" - I honestly don't know. (And now I'm sounding like deb again.) And whether it's a girl going to a car show to meet guys, or a guy going to the Tupperware party to meet girls (does Tupperware still do parties?), in either case it's somebody not "being themselves". To some extent that's admirable, but not when you have a primarily ulterior motive (to connect with the opposite sex) rather than to admire and learn something about cars. Or tupperware. So, tell me more about how to find the person who can help me find the person. I have just started attending a new church in my town (I had been going to the very small campus ministry, but felt like I needed a more stable congregational experience at this point in my life), and being terminally shy and AvPD, it is very difficult for me to get to know new people, whether it is a prospective man or someone who might know men who if they knew me, would be able to know that we'd make a good match. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 If they work well for you, and you are comfortable there, you rock on! If there was a thumbs up smilie, I would totally put one here! However, I think, just because of who I am, I would have to gouge my eyes out with a spoon if I ever went to one. Also, I would prefer straight men of the type who found strip clubs not to their particular tastes (and yes, they are out there!) A strip club is no place to meet legit women... You just have to be confident and secure of yourself...You dont need to be a Barbie or anything... Its not easy, and you are probably going to kiss a bunch of frogs, but in the end you will prevail... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted November 30, 2013 Author Share Posted November 30, 2013 A strip club is no place to meet legit women... You just have to be confident and secure of yourself...You dont need to be a Barbie or anything... Its not easy, and you are probably going to kiss a bunch of frogs, but in the end you will prevail... TFY I have so far only kissed one, "frog" The others didn't work out, but they weren't frogs. I could never be a Barbie, it is not in my makeup. Working on confidence and security. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elbe Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 I'm not sure, but if you find out let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 You have to take an active role in this. I recommend setting a trap. Use candy and a pile of books to lure in like-minded individuals who are likely to be introverted. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted November 30, 2013 Author Share Posted November 30, 2013 You have to take an active role in this. I recommend setting a trap. Use candy and a pile of books to lure in like-minded individuals who are likely to be introverted. Candy? Or coffee? Hmmm.. So I could choose the books by the type? If I wanted a sci-fi geek put up several good Bear's and maybe some Gibson. If I wanted a particle physicist (shoot, I mean Six Easy Pieces is probably way below most of those fellows), I'd probably have to ask one what books would get them. If I wanted a poet, I'd have to figure out what type of poet I wanted. A Seamus Heaney type, a Yusef Komunyakaa type or what and stack those books accordingly... :-) But how would you keep said thoughtful introverted men at the library from assuming that someone else was sitting there and staying away? I do like this idea. Link to post Share on other sites
ThomasD Posted December 12, 2013 Share Posted December 12, 2013 So, tell me more about how to find the person who can help me find the person. I have just started attending a new church in my town (I had been going to the very small campus ministry, but felt like I needed a more stable congregational experience at this point in my life), and being terminally shy and AvPD, it is very difficult for me to get to know new people, whether it is a prospective man or someone who might know men who, if they knew me, would be able to know that we'd make a good match. I don't have a good answer for you. I think we both know it won't happen without some level of personal familiarity, and we both know that's a difficult thing for you to create. In some way you need to make yourself - and I mean the real self that's inside you - known to others. If you somehow manage to do it directly - that is, get noticed by a guy who says, "Hey! That's a girl I'd like to know better just because of who she is - and I might not even mind if I end up falling for her." - that's wonderful. However, since you don't know much about the "self" inside very many guys, it's a very long shot you could do this on your own. Not impossible - just unlikely. That's where you need the help of somebody else. Somebody who, first of all, knows a little about the self inside you. It's easier to list likely candidates for younger folks, but some of these may apply to you as well: favorite teachers or school counselors (including major professors or research group leaders), youth activity leaders (Scouts, 4-H, etc), athletic coaches (even teammates on adult recreational teams such as volleyball, golf, bowling, softball, etc - whether the team you actually play on is coed or not), coworkers (including supervisors, project leaders, etc), even neighbors. And then there are the professionals in counseling, psych, dating services, etc. To some extent - consciously or not - you need to make yourself known to a person who might be able to help you. And Link to post Share on other sites
felicity1 Posted December 23, 2013 Share Posted December 23, 2013 I'm in a similar situation to you. I'm over 35, am shy and having PTSD does not help. It makes it easier to get to know someone if they are aware of my PTSD so that they can understand where I'm coming from. I've found PTSD support groups are great for this. Have you ever been to a AvPD support group? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bigcitydreamer Posted December 23, 2013 Share Posted December 23, 2013 A lot of good advice here in my opinion. Especially the stuff about getting out of your comfort zone just for the fun of it. My very best advice to you is that the best way to meet someone is through social situations or connections. I understand that you are very shy, I'm shy also with high anxiety levels and not the friendliest person out in public- although I do consider myself very nice to the people I know almost to a fault. I've met my current so and all of my other partners through social connections. I don't really like drinking or going to the bar but if I was single that is without a doubt what I'd do. It simply does work that's why so many people do it. Even as a shy girl, you can go to a pub and approach someone who appears shy. Say something like "what are you up to here alone" or "hey nice taste in drink you have there" lol. I've never approached someone but if I had to I would. Men, even shy men will approach you. You don't have to get loaded but a little buzz to take away a bit of the anxiety would help (this coming from someone who doesn't like drinking due to the anxiety it generally gives me). Other than going out to bars (which I sincerely think is the best bet no matter who you are) ask friends if they have single friends. I met my current bf through my friend who was his friends gf. Social connections is the absolute best way to go in my opinion. Going places where men are, I can't see that working too well. If you really want to meet someone go out as much as possible and try to make new friends. For the most of us, there are no shortcuts, you have to get over your shyness to a certain extent. Going out is making yourself available. As other posters have said you won't meet someone sitting at home. I was single for 3 years prior to my current bf. I never went out much, was sick of bars and drinking, my friends would pressure me to go out and the night I met my current bf I never would have met him if I hadn't of went out one night with my best friend and her boyfriend. Good luck and know that even people who are amazing people have trouble meeting potential partners. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted December 24, 2013 Author Share Posted December 24, 2013 I don't have a good answer for you. I think we both know it won't happen without some level of personal familiarity, and we both know that's a difficult thing for you to create. In some way you need to make yourself - and I mean the real self that's inside you - known to others. If you somehow manage to do it directly - that is, get noticed by a guy who says, "Hey! That's a girl I'd like to know better just because of who she is - and I might not even mind if I end up falling for her." - that's wonderful. However, since you don't know much about the "self" inside very many guys, it's a very long shot you could do this on your own. Not impossible - just unlikely. That's where you need the help of somebody else. Somebody who, first of all, knows a little about the self inside you. It's easier to list likely candidates for younger folks, but some of these may apply to you as well: favorite teachers or school counselors (including major professors or research group leaders), youth activity leaders (Scouts, 4-H, etc), athletic coaches (even teammates on adult recreational teams such as volleyball, golf, bowling, softball, etc - whether the team you actually play on is coed or not), coworkers (including supervisors, project leaders, etc), even neighbors. And then there are the professionals in counseling, psych, dating services, etc. To some extent - consciously or not - you need to make yourself known to a person who might be able to help you. And I definitely see the wisdom of this approach. I am just not sure how he's to go about it. :-) I will consider it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted December 24, 2013 Author Share Posted December 24, 2013 I'm in a similar situation to you. I'm over 35, am shy and having PTSD does not help. It makes it easier to get to know someone if they are aware of my PTSD so that they can understand where I'm coming from. I've found PTSD support groups are great for this. Have you ever been to a AvPD support group? Lol. Though to be fair to us AVPD'ers and our quirks, if we could get one off the ground it actually could be a brilliant success, but getting us to actually one off the ground? Given out particular difficulty? I'm sure it must be the psych equivalent of every piano major's joking desire to play 4"33 for juries. :-). Want some free study/loaf time as a psych grad student? Start an AVPD support group. :-p All kidding aside, I too have struggled with PTSD. And findin a support group sounds like an incredibly good idea! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
felicity1 Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 Lol. Though to be fair to us AVPD'ers and our quirks, if we could get one off the ground it actually could be a brilliant success, but getting us to actually one off the ground? Given out particular difficulty? I'm sure it must be the psych equivalent of every piano major's joking desire to play 4"33 for juries. :-). Want some free study/loaf time as a psych grad student? Start an AVPD support group. :-p All kidding aside, I too have struggled with PTSD. And findin a support group sounds like an incredibly good idea! In my support group we are all awkward, have panick attacks etc and cry together. No one is singled out as shy/introverted or wierd, as what can happen to us in social situations. It's not just a suitable place to meet others, it's also the best healing environment you'll ever find. Validation heals bigtime! You'll never get this from family or friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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