Yet another tale of broken NC

[mirage12]

I've posted a few times in the past few weeks about my situation, thanks to all that have been continuing to help. 30 second summary: was dating her for 8 months, hanging out for almost a year. She ended things about two weeks ago, for a lot of different reasons - she's in a miserable/depressed place right now because she's struggling with starting a very hard, new career. Stress was eating her alive and she ultimately couldn't handle managing the relationship too. We ended on really good terms though and remained almost completely NC since.

 

We are both lawyers and yesterday we got news that we both passed our states bar exam. This was a huge stressor for we because she legitimately feared she wasn't going to pass/that her life would be turned upside down by it. Day after results came out, we tected back and forth very briefly - her congratulating me, I did te same/said I was happy for her, she responded again saying she was happy for me too, with a smiley face. I let it go.

 

8 or 9 hours later she revives the conversation again, at first small talk about who else I knew passed. Then she starts asking for the life updates - how my work was going, promotions, wanted to know what I did to celebrate passing the night before, etc. At multiple points in this I gave brief, pointed answers that she would respond to and then id let it go...eventually leading her to double text to try and keep the convo alive.

 

The convo eventually turned to a "how are you doing" response...I said I was alright, asked her how she was. She responded she guessed she was alright, I said I thought about her a lot and she said the same. Ultimately not much to read into here - I think she's very relieved about passing. I wanted really badly to ask more about how she was or to ask her for a celebratory drink, etc but I didn't because even though she was pushing to keep talking, I didn't think it was enough of a signal for me to push anything.

 

I know how bad all of this is and I am trying to not read into any of this because I want to protect myself from hope that may not be there. Tha being said, what now? Should I let it go and see if she reinitiates again? Should I text setting neutral again in a few days? Or maybe after the holidays? Thanks for advice.

[fixing]

Congrats on passing the exams sir. Your young, and have a hell of a lot going for you, so well done! I think now though, you seriously got to start living life and enjoying yourself. You CANT be sat here waiting for texts, or putting your life on hold for this girl. Who knows what may happen in the future. But, i guarantee you she is looking after number 1 now, she's making plans and living the free single life, AND SO SHOULD YOU!

Stay no contact and stop thinking about possible future scenarios with this girl. She made the choice to end it with you. Thats the bottom line. Start living your life, free and single

[Ftheeastcoast]

She's giving you breadcrumbs, they actually sound more mature than the majority of the posts here but I guess that's to be expected from lawyers.

 

Still though, she's going to have to do more than catch up. That's the easy part. Let it go, don't initiate and just know that she's thinking about you.

 

If you initiate, she'll just lose interest.

[mirage12]

She's giving you breadcrumbs, they actually sound more mature than the majority of the posts here but I guess that's to be expected from lawyers.

 

Still though, she's going to have to do more than catch up. That's the easy part. Let it go, don't initiate and just know that she's thinking about you.

 

If you initiate, she'll just lose interest.

 

I totally hear you/agree on this - that's why I didn't push anything further or try to initiate any face to face interaction/meet-up yesterday, even though I wanted to.

 

I do think that we had a really weird situation - a lot of external pressure that caused her to almost lose control of everything. Now that the exam results came out and went well, I think she's starting to feel the relief from it. At the very least, I eventually want to either see if she'll reach out again, or maybe after the Thanksgiving holiday, reach out to see if she wants to talk. I know this could set me back quite a bit, but that's OK because if it doesn't work, then I'll know for sure we have no second chance and I can start from new. I wanted to do something nice to congratulate her on passing, maybe leave her flowers at her place or something, but I've been trying to show as much self-restraint as possible here. I do worry that whatever this is, if I push too hard or move too quickly, it could break down and push her away again.

 

I know that there's almost no chance we will reconcile, but you're both right - it's at least comforting to know that whatever she's thinking, she also hasn't fully moved on yet.

[mirage12]

Congrats on passing the exams sir. Your young, and have a hell of a lot going for you, so well done! I think now though, you seriously got to start living life and enjoying yourself. You CANT be sat here waiting for texts, or putting your life on hold for this girl. Who knows what may happen in the future. But, i guarantee you she is looking after number 1 now, she's making plans and living the free single life, AND SO SHOULD YOU!

Stay no contact and stop thinking about possible future scenarios with this girl. She made the choice to end it with you. Thats the bottom line. Start living your life, free and single

 

Fixing: thank you, appreciate it. And I know, I've been as proactive as possible with trying to heal over this...been much better than I have about past breakups. Until yesterday have almost completely stuck to NC, have been hanging out with old friends a lot/keeping busy/going out a lot/planning weekend trips, etc. I am just curious to see what yesterday's conversation was - in all likelihood, nothing but a breadcrumb catchup. But at the very least it shows that she's still at least marginally interested in hearing how things are for me.

[Ftheeastcoast]

I totally hear you/agree on this - that's why I didn't push anything further or try to initiate any face to face interaction/meet-up yesterday, even though I wanted to.

 

I do think that we had a really weird situation - a lot of external pressure that caused her to almost lose control of everything. Now that the exam results came out and went well, I think she's starting to feel the relief from it. At the very least, I eventually want to either see if she'll reach out again, or maybe after the Thanksgiving holiday, reach out to see if she wants to talk. I know this could set me back quite a bit, but that's OK because if it doesn't work, then I'll know for sure we have no second chance and I can start from new. I wanted to do something nice to congratulate her on passing, maybe leave her flowers at her place or something, but I've been trying to show as much self-restraint as possible here. I do worry that whatever this is, if I push too hard or move too quickly, it could break down and push her away again.

 

I know that there's almost no chance we will reconcile, but you're both right - it's at least comforting to know that whatever she's thinking, she also hasn't fully moved on yet.

 

Sending her flowers would be way out of bounds.

 

Keep perspective on your role.

 

Dumpees always want to reach out in some "selfless" way, but that burden isn't on you, it's on the dumper. I use quotes because we actually aren't that selfless, we really want it to be the action that breaks the wall down.

[Ftheeastcoast]

It's up to her to reach out to you. Sadly, post break-up behaviour becomes a power play that you have to abide by. You have the power here - don't give it up by reaching out to her.

 

It's a power struggle, but only because you both know what's at stake.

 

Think of it as if you'd never dated. Would you just send her flowers? You'd certainly be able to talk to her without stressing but you'd still want to keep your cards hidden.

[mikecr50]

I think you did pretty well! But now you must let it ride- I know it's tough I'd go on with the mindset that it's done. If she contacts you be patient and very slow, you sound smart, she has to want to see you again. Don't ask her out- my two cents unsolicited :-)

[cavalier99]

I always vote for going NC, blocking deleteing ecetera. Definitly not sending flowers. If she wants to hunt you down she will. Act and internalize that is 100 percent over. If a miracle happens youll be plesantly surprised and then can make a decision if YOU will take her back after she dumped you. Your the one who should receive flowers if she wanted back. Cav

[Simon Phoenix]

Flowers would be a tragically bad idea. And you have to keep things in perspective about her asking how you are doing. That's pretty typical and does not mean anything. And the fact they are struggling with things does not mean they want to get back -- if anything, it means they are still processing everything and are nowhere near ready to reconcile. My ex did both things that you describe -- it just meant she was (and maybe still is) hung up on the break and hasn't processed things completely. I have, so I had no interest in rehashing all that.

 

You need to let her do her thing and make a move. You should not be doing anything, especially since you aren't healed.

[cavalier99]

Flowers would be a tragically bad idea. And you have to keep things in perspective about her asking how you are doing. That's pretty typical and does not mean anything. And the fact they are struggling with things does not mean they want to get back -- if anything, it means they are still processing everything and are nowhere near ready to reconcile. My ex did both things that you describe -- it just meant she was (and maybe still is) hung up on the break and hasn't processed things completely. I have, so I had no interest in rehashing all that.

 

You need to let her do her thing and make a move. You should not be doing anything, especially since you aren't healed.

 

Yup. Your being cordial with her just let her know you were ok getting dumped, dont hate her, and are A ok with everthing. She must feel releived with your response and passing her exam. Woo hoo for her. Cav

[organizedchaos]

OP, you obviously didn't take anyone's advice in your last thread and look what happened. No you still want to go down this path and people are telling you don't do it. What do you think will happen!

[2fargone]

Don't initiate anything. And if there has to be a next time don't be the one that starts to talk about feelings, like you think about her or miss her.

[taramg5]

The 60 day breakup Challenge!!

Im doing the nc thing too and it is soooo hard! If you want to see my story or read my progress it would be great. Any feedback is very very welcome. Just start over and stay strong!!!

[mirage12]

OP here. Brief update on my story to all those who have read my story. After the broken NC, I did nothing for a few days. On Monday night, she reached out to me again. She said she was "wondering if she could get me a drink soon to celebrate passing." The texts went on for a little while with her dropping an I miss you and an I want to see you. Normally, I wouldn't think too much of this, but I know her and I know her personality. She has a huge ego, and she makes clean breaks in relationships, so for her to reach out in this way was almost shocking to me. I don't want to read into what this means or have false hope that'll end up letting me down in the end. I think I will maybe meet up with her after Thanksgiving and just hear what she has to say/take things really slowly. Does anyone have thoughts on this?

[mirage12]

Anyone think anything?

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you are setting yourself up for a major fall by continuing to carry on with this woman in this state. "I miss you" means absolutely nothing as far as wanting to reconcile. I would keep my distance, though I know you won't. You haven't listened to anything thus far, you aren't starting now.

[mirage12]

I think you are setting yourself up for a major fall by continuing to carry on with this woman in this state. "I miss you" means absolutely nothing as far as wanting to reconcile. I would keep my distance, though I know you won't. You haven't listened to anything thus far, you aren't starting now.

 

This time it was her reaching out, trying to set up a time to meet. And yeah I know it definitely doesn't mean reconcile. I do just want to gauge whatever happens if we do meet up...I've said before that I wanted to do something more to "fight" for it, so this could be my last ditch effort. If we meet and it doesn't go well, then it'll set me back but I can finally be done with it, knowing I tried one more time and that there's no hope to reconcile?

[Simon Phoenix]

This time it was her reaching out, trying to set up a time to meet. And yeah I know it definitely doesn't mean reconcile. I do just want to gauge whatever happens if we do meet up...I've said before that I wanted to do something more to "fight" for it, so this could be my last ditch effort. If we meet and it doesn't go well, then it'll set me back but I can finally be done with it, knowing I tried one more time and that there's no hope to reconcile?

 

If you think this is your "last-ditch" effort, you've already lost. She broke up with you, it's up to her to "fight", not you. You are building this up way too much in your head, which is why you shouldn't have done any of this in the first place. You weren't ready and it's completely apparent. If she wants to get back together with you, you avoiding a meet-up for drinks won't matter. If anything, it'll make her take you seriously.

[mirage12]

If you think this is your "last-ditch" effort, you've already lost. She broke up with you, it's up to her to "fight", not you. You are building this up way too much in your head, which is why you shouldn't have done any of this in the first place. You weren't ready and it's completely apparent. If she wants to get back together with you, you avoiding a meet-up for drinks won't matter. If anything, it'll make her take you seriously.

 

Thanks for talking through this, even if I so ever seem to disagree sometimes, I read everything you say and think about it. I do agree with you, and not to defend her but I think this is her way of "fighting." Her reviving conversation last weekend, her reaching out again a few days later, her inviting us to meet up. I talk a lot with a friend who also knows her well and we are both so surprised by her behavior - these aren't reactions I would expect from her at all. She's told me before (and I can sense it from knowing her), she's the type that once things are over, she makes a clean break and never looks back.

 

I know I may be reading into it too much but remember our breakup was very situational, as opposed to the two of us having a flaw or some kind of fatal error. I also (for the most part) don't act or communicate to her in any way with the sense of eagerness or hope I display on here (that's why I post here, to let it out on the boards instead). We haven't even set up a specific time for it to happen yet, just left it vaguely at after thanksgiving. The end of her messages went something like:

 

Her - I want to see you.

Me - I want to see you too.

Her - When?

Me - Hopefully soon.

 

Again, I know I'm still not in a good place and that I'm risking losing any ground I've made so far on moving on. But whether or not it actually is true, it seems to me like she is trying to reach out. I don't know why, or if I'll like the answer when I do figure out why...but I feel like I have to try to at least listen to whatever she has to say?

[Minneloa]

OP,

 

Why do you think you need to fight for her? As Simon said, that's not your job. Posters have repeatedly advised you that backing off and accepting the breakup is the best plan here, but it seems that your emotions are running too high to hear us. That's understandable, but I am cringing about the probable fallout. There are SO many threads here where the dumper plays nice and strings along the dumpee in false hope, and I'm sorry, but that's most likely what is happening here. You can say that your situation is unique or that we don't know you/her/the circumstances, but these scenarios tend to play out similarly across the board. I hope I'm wrong.

 

M.

[Minneloa]

P.S. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I truly think some NC could do wonders for your clarity and perspective. I hear a lot of panic in your posts, like it's a race against time to get her back. The problem is that "getting her back" is not under your control.

 

It is absolutely natural to panic and react after a breakup, but some time and space away from your ex helps settle your emotions so you can make logical decisions instead of emotional ones.

[organizedchaos]

OP, here's how I would have phrased it:

 

Her - I want to see you.

Me - Why? (your response, I want to see you too, is too needy)

 

 

Or, even better:

 

Her - I want to see you.

Me -

 

THAT would keep her guessing and based on what she does next would REALLY tell you her intentions.

[mirage12]

OP,

 

Why do you think you need to fight for her? As Simon said, that's not your job. Posters have repeatedly advised you that backing off and accepting the breakup is the best plan here, but it seems that your emotions are running too high to hear us. That's understandable, but I am cringing about the probable fallout. There are SO many threads here where the dumper plays nice and strings along the dumpee in false hope, and I'm sorry, but that's most likely what is happening here. You can say that your situation is unique or that we don't know you/her/the circumstances, but these scenarios tend to play out similarly across the board. I hope I'm wrong.

 

M.

 

I think I want to do one last thing to "fight" for her because it has less to do wht her and more with me - so I can move on knowing I tried one more time. And by "trying" or "fighting" if that means perhaps being open to the idea of meeting up if she suggests it, then maybe yes? It's not panic, even though all this is recent. I just want to clear things up - if I see/interact with her once, I'll know if there's something left or not and hopefully I'll know why she's asking to meet up. Either it will go well or not well...and if it's not well , it will hurt more yeah but I can extinguish any residual hope I have and try to completely move on.

 

I also hear what you are all saying about making her fight for it back. The question is, how much fighting back does she have to do? Have me ignore or blow her off multiple times and see if she keeps asking? Have her straight up say her intentions? Is that even realistic, knowing how women are? I know my bias is skewed but so far her actions (with a few of mine mixed in) do seem to indicate that she's trying something, or that she's "fighting"... Esp because all of this is so unlike her (I know, situation not unique but my friend who knows her well and is very level headed about dating thinks the same, that for whatever reason, she is trying to reach out...if you all knew her, she would never come back with the responses she's been saying, although it doesn't seem like much, the actual language she's using is kind of telling for the two of is who know her. It's almost as if she is "crawling back" in a sense)

[mirage12]

To give readers one more bit of context - my ex is unlike any girl I've ever dated. She's extremely hot headed/independent, has a huge ego, is extremely smart and is the type of woman who shreds most men apart, especially when she's moving on (almost male qualities in her). My friend who knows her is also a lawyer. Because all three of us, we do overanyze things, but language is very important to us. We pick and choose our words very carefully, and we think about their effect/why we are choosing them (it's ingrained in us because of how we think as lawyers). An example of this is how she initiated her most recent conversation - instead of asking "do you want to get drinks" or "can we get drinks" or skme variation, she asked "I was wondering if I could get you a drink, etc"

 

The wondering part displays how she's going out on a limb to even ask, the fact that she's asking to get me a drink rather than saying let's get drinks or something like that seems to suggest she doesn't feel right about what's happened. So yeah - maybe it's just guilt , maybe she just wants some closure v could have absolutely nothing to do with a reconcile. But again, she's very very smart and she picks and chooses her words very carefully, knowing how I will interpret them. That being said, my friend and I were very surprised by her recent texts. Thanks for continuing to read.