Yet another tale of broken NC

[Minneloa]

Yes, I think she needs to try/fight harder. Right now, there is a very high probability that she is reaching put to ease her guilt about the breakup and to make sure that you are ok/not mad at her. In essence, she is likely needing you to "sign off" on the breakup, which is last thing you would want to participate in, no? Turning down a drink and going silent for a while should not deter her if what she seeks is reconciliation. As the previous poster said, it may even force her to clarify her intentions.

 

There is a thread from a few weeks back that reminds me of your situation; the poster worked himself into a huge frenzy of false hope and then was CRUSHED when they met (understandably so, as she was mean and nasty to him). Maybe you're not in a frenzy, but it will hurt a lot to see her if she just wants to make peace. I am off to find the thread, for reference.

 

Again, I hope I'm wrong, but am erring on the side of caution and patterns here.

 

M.

[Minneloa]

To give readers one more bit of context - my ex is unlike any girl I've ever dated. She's extremely hot headed/independent, has a huge ego, is extremely smart and is the type of woman who shreds most men apart, especially when she's moving on (almost male qualities in her). My friend who knows her is also a lawyer. Because all three of us, we do overanyze things, but language is very important to us. We pick and choose our words very carefully, and we think about their effect/why we are choosing them (it's ingrained in us because of how we think as lawyers). An example of this is how she initiated her most recent conversation - instead of asking "do you want to get drinks" or "can we get drinks" or skme variation, she asked "I was wondering if I could get you a drink, etc"

 

The wondering part displays how she's going out on a limb to even ask, the fact that she's asking to get me a drink rather than saying let's get drinks or something like that seems to suggest she doesn't feel right about what's happened. So yeah - maybe it's just guilt , maybe she just wants some closure v could have absolutely nothing to do with a reconcile. But again, she's very very smart and she picks and chooses her words very carefully, knowing how I will interpret them. That being said, my friend and I were very surprised by her recent texts. Thanks for continuing to read.

 

Honestly, this seems like overanalyzation here. Lawyers or not, it's just a text about a drink! I think your emotions (read: hope) might be coloring your perspective to a significant degree.

[mirage12]

These are my fears as well. I don't think it's out of guilty/wanting to know I'm ok because we ended on a good note, I've talked to her normally since then, without indicating I'm in a terrible place or anything (if only he could see my posts ha!). If it's just a status check, she's putting in a lot of unnecessary words/emotion, which to me doesn't match with her trying to move on/make sure I move on too. She knows by saying certain things, I will think about what they mean and perhaps think incorrectly there's something there that's not. Again, that's very unlike her because she is smart enough to anticipate the effect of her words and avoid possibly leading me on, as she knows that'll make things harder for both of us.

 

But even though that's what I think, I'm still trying to do as you're saying, not build up into a frenzy or create great hope. It's just sparked curiosity in me, and I want to know why.

[mirage12]

Honestly, this seems like overanalyzation here. Lawyers or not, it's just a text about a drink! I think your emotions (read: hope) might be coloring your perspective to a significant degree.

 

Haha oh I know, but that's how we think and she knows it. And of course my perspective is skewed, I know. But my neutral friend who has been tryin. To protect me this entire time also agrees. The exact words are very important to us - we think more than most people about what their effect will be three steps down the line.

[fixing]

You could respond by saying something like

'Hey, thanks for the invite, but im thinking now, that maybe this is all a little to soon?

 

At least you will get her thinking and you might even get her motives behind the drink in her next reply..

[mirage12]

I don't know, I think right now my plan is to just let it rest? Not reach out to her again, see if she initiates again or tries to bring up the meet again?

[Minneloa]

Okay, on second thought, that thread example is too extreme due to the ex's inexplicably cruel behavior. However, even if the meeting is pleasant and cordial, it probably not a gateway to reconciliation, which is what you are hoping for.

 

Bottom line: If she is interested in getting back together, she needs to try harder and be clearer, in my opinion. You break it? You fix it.

[mirage12]

I've thought about asking her straight up - what is this, is it just for closure? Because if it is, I don't need to meet up for that.

 

Problem is maybe she doesn't know herself - perhaps it's not a reconciliation talk but slmething less than dating, more than friends. Maybe it's just friends. No way I can know unless I go through with it and gauge for myself.

[mirage12]

Okay, on second thought, that thread example is too extreme due to the ex's inexplicably cruel behavior. However, even if the meeting is pleasant and cordial, it probably not a gateway to reconciliation, which is what you are hoping for.

 

Bottom line: If she is interested in getting back together, she needs to try harder and be clearer, in my opinion. You break it? You fix it.

 

I agree with you...I just think that phrases like I miss you/I wanna see you are very strong phrases, coming from her. There's no need for her to use language like that to get me to meet up, and she knows I might read into it incorrectly and think the wrong things about them (which would make things harder for her as well, if she doesn't really mean them in that way). Again, I could be wrong but I don't know why she'd go overboard and say certain things knowing I might misconstrue them.

[Minneloa]

I've thought about asking her straight up - what is this, is it just for closure? Because if it is, I don't need to meet up for that.

 

Problem is maybe she doesn't know herself - perhaps it's not a reconciliation talk but slmething less than dating, more than friends. Maybe it's just friends. No way I can know unless I go through with it and gauge for myself.

 

I do think there's another way to gauge her intentions, and you mentioned it earlier: back off, pull away, don't initiate contact or mention the meet-up. Then see what she does,

 

I mean, I would love to see you disappear like a ninja into NC, and I do worry that LC just strings the dumpee along in a limbo of false hope, but it's clear to me that you aren't going to do that (NC) right now. So, at the very least, make her work harder.

[mirage12]

Yeah you are right...short of full NC, I think I can only sit back and wait to see if she reaches out again over the next week or two. If not, that's a pretty clear indicator to me that she doesn't really care.

[Minneloa]

I agree with you...I just think that phrases like I miss you/I wanna see you are very strong phrases, coming from her. There's no need for her to use language like that to get me to meet up, and she knows I might read into it incorrectly and think the wrong things about them (which would make things harder for her as well, if she doesn't really mean them in that way). Again, I could be wrong but I don't know why she'd go overboard and say certain things knowing I might misconstrue them.

 

Ok, this is my last post b/c I feel like I am blowing up your thread, lol. I just wanted to say that these phrases are *extremely common* from dumpers post-breakup and usually are misinterpreted by the dumpee. I know she's a lawyer, but this isn't the courtroom. Again, just worried that you are walking into an emotional bloodbath!

 

Sending good thoughts, whatever you choose to do,

M.

[mirage12]

Ok, this is my last post b/c I feel like I am blowing up your thread, lol. I just wanted to say that these phrases are *extremely common* from dumpers post-breakup and usually are misinterpreted by the dumpee. I know she's a lawyer, but this isn't the courtroom. Again, just worried that you are walking into an emotional bloodbath!

 

Sending good thoughts, whatever you choose to do,

M.

 

I know doing my best to take it in stride, move slowly and try not to expect much. Thanks very much for your help, will post more details if they happen

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for talking through this, even if I so ever seem to disagree sometimes, I read everything you say and think about it. I do agree with you, and not to defend her but I think this is her way of "fighting." Her reviving conversation last weekend, her reaching out again a few days later, her inviting us to meet up. I talk a lot with a friend who also knows her well and we are both so surprised by her behavior - these aren't reactions I would expect from her at all. She's told me before (and I can sense it from knowing her), she's the type that once things are over, she makes a clean break and never looks back.

 

I know I may be reading into it too much but remember our breakup was very situational, as opposed to the two of us having a flaw or some kind of fatal error. I also (for the most part) don't act or communicate to her in any way with the sense of eagerness or hope I display on here (that's why I post here, to let it out on the boards instead). We haven't even set up a specific time for it to happen yet, just left it vaguely at after thanksgiving. The end of her messages went something like:

 

Her - I want to see you.

Me - I want to see you too.

Her - When?

Me - Hopefully soon.

 

Again, I know I'm still not in a good place and that I'm risking losing any ground I've made so far on moving on. But whether or not it actually is true, it seems to me like she is trying to reach out. I don't know why, or if I'll like the answer when I do figure out why...but I feel like I have to try to at least listen to whatever she has to say?

 

When she actually has something to say you can listen. She hasn't said a thing remotely constructive yet.

[Simon Phoenix]

To answer your question, she needs to be doing ALL of the fighting. She caused the situation, it's up to her to fix it if she so chooses. And you are doing way, way, way too much overanalyzation. If she's serious, she'll give you an indicator that you won't have to analyze. Right now you are doing so many mental gymnastics to try to justify your desire to act needy. As soon as she sees it (which she might be already) she'll likely lose any interest. So STOP SAYING YOU NEED TO FIGHT! She needs to fight, and not in a subtle way.

[tink_10050]

Looks to me like she likes the chase my friend.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree with you...I just think that phrases like I miss you/I wanna see you are very strong phrases, coming from her. There's no need for her to use language like that to get me to meet up, and she knows I might read into it incorrectly and think the wrong things about them (which would make things harder for her as well, if she doesn't really mean them in that way). Again, I could be wrong but I don't know why she'd go overboard and say certain things knowing I might misconstrue them.

 

"I miss you" means very little as far as reconcilation is concerned. My ex misses me, but she's still hung up on why she broke up with me. Stop trying to imagine stuff that's not there. "I miss you" or even "I love you" does not mean they want to reconcile. "I made a mistake and I would like to try again" means they want to reconcile.

 

And before you say "that's not her style", I don't give a sh*t if it is or if it isn't. If she is more concerned about maintaining her pride than showing her love and desire for you, then you aren't a priority to her. Either way, you need to stop spinning everything and let her do all of the legwork.

[mirage12]

"I miss you" means very little as far as reconcilation is concerned. My ex misses me, but she's still hung up on why she broke up with me. Stop trying to imagine stuff that's not there. "I miss you" or even "I love you" does not mean they want to reconcile. "I made a mistake and I would like to try again" means they want to reconcile.

 

And before you say "that's not her style", I don't give a sh*t if it is or if it isn't. If she is more concerned about maintaining her pride than showing her love and desire for you, then you aren't a priority to her. Either way, you need to stop spinning everything and let her do all of the legwork.

 

Thank you - I think you are right. I'm over analyzing because what she's saying is unclear and I shouldn't be. At this point I do need to let her make the future moves, if any, including reaching out.

 

As for the fighting for it part, by that I only meant that while I do think she should be doing almost everything (which recently she has kind of been), that I didn't need to make it more difficult from my end, ie by being evasive or nonresponsive, especially if it seems like she's trying?

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you - I think you are right. I'm over analyzing because what she's saying is unclear and I shouldn't be. At this point I do need to let her make the future moves, if any, including reaching out.

 

As for the fighting for it part, by that I only meant that while I do think she should be doing almost everything (which recently she has kind of been), that I didn't need to make it more difficult from my end, ie by being evasive or nonresponsive, especially if it seems like she's trying?

 

You have to protect yourself, so yes, it's probably better if you make it difficult, because you don't seem emotionally capable of having a legitimate give-or-take without overanalyzing and getting too into it (which is why you never should have broken it in the first place). If you were at a more secure place emotionally, maybe you could be more helpful to her, but now. hell fu*cking no!

 

If she really wants it, she won't care if you are being unresponsive. She'll even understand it and possibly respect you for it. But since she broke it, it's up to her to fix it without you helping and bailing her out.

 

And her texting isn't her "doing almost everything". Not even close. I mean, the only reason she texted you is because you broke NC. She might even think that you are ready to be her platonic buddy at this point.

[organizedchaos]

You could respond by saying something like

'Hey, thanks for the invite, but im thinking now, that maybe this is all a little to soon?

 

At least you will get her thinking and you might even get her motives behind the drink in her next reply..

 

This is a perfect response. And yes, it will get her to clarify her intentions to you.