Does time heal all wounds?

[Gottabestrong]

Dear everyone,

 

my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 3 months ago, and while I still love him and would love to get back together, my main aim is to get better.

 

I am just not sure about how active I have to be in my recovery.

Do you think that time alone will heal the wounds and I just have to ride it out and will get better, or do I have to actively try and get better?

 

Case in point is that I have been invited to spend New Year's Eve with a few female friends. I dont really feel like going but would rather stay home and relax with a book, music or watching a movie. But somehow I feel like I should go out and force myself to have fun. Thing is that I have spent a few evenings in the past with the same people, and while I like them, I felt miserable missing my guy.

 

I am focusing on university and work, trying to do some excersise when I have the time and money for it and meet family and friends every couple of days. Is that enough or do I have to do more? I am working about 4 days a week plus go to uni 5 days a week (not right now, am on vacation from uni). But whenever I am home for a few hours I feel guilty for staying in and think I should be out trying to get better. I have this strange battle going on inside of me, and I dont know what the right thing to do would be.

 

I also tried to meet new people. Put my profile on a few dating sites and got some nice replies. So far I have only been talking to guys and have not met any of them. Partly because none of the guys lives in my immediate area. I am comfortable just talking, but do you think I should make an effort to go out and meet them in person?

 

Another question I have is concering rebounds. What determines if someone is a rebound? Is that the length of time since the breakup or whether you still care and think about your ex?

 

My sister who was dumped after 5 years and somehow is still completely heartbroken, had a new boyfriend 1.5 months later. I think that is a rebound.

BUT the guy that dumped her after 5 years was the one she started dating a few weeks after she ended her marriage. On paper it looked like he was a rebound, but she actually loved him a lot and they got engaged and wanted to get married.

 

So what makes a rebound? I am afraid of meeting a nice guy, but because I am not ready yet, he might only become a rebound and there would be no real chance for a relationship.

 

Sorry for the long post, but I would like to hear some opinions on how to get over the pain and move on. I am desperate to move on and told myself that after 3 months (New Year's Eve) I have to really let go and accept that it is over for good.

 

I am surprised that I am so hard on myself about this, especially as it took me more than 6 months to get over my last relationship which only lasted a couple of months and this one lasted 2.5 years. Maybe it is because I dont want to stay depressed and down for so long as I did last time.

 

So if you have any opinions, experiences, advice,... please let me know.

 

Thanks a lot

[_Saffy_]

hiya, seem to be replying to each other a lot today

 

 

i think time is the greatest of healers, but you gotta help yaself along too. do the things that you feel like doing, if you are anything like me, then some days you can deal with stuff, others you just wanna lounge about in your pyjamas and hide from the world.

 

i wouldnt put too much pressure on new years eve, i hate that night myself, too much hype, if you wanna stay in with a book, then do it......there will be plenty of other nights to go party. or you could go and if you dont feel in the partying mood then make an excuse and go back home to your book.

 

if you wake up on friday and feel like going, then spend the day pampering yaself, get ready and look a million dollars, have a damn good night, and see in 2005 with the view to making the year all that it can be for YOU.

 

cos thats exactly what im going to do

[ntovrhm]

. . . although you don't believe it at the time. You are doing the right things. Sometime you have to go through the motions until your head and heart catch up to you again, and you finally feel yourself. Don't put too much pressure on yourself for the pain to disappear, but make sure you get out there and live your life.

 

It has been almost seven months for me, and I am night and day from how I was three months after the break-up. And at the time, I didn't think the pain was going to go away.

 

Although people have mixed opinions on no contact, I can tell you that I really started making progress after I stuck to that rule.

 

Keep the faith!

[iceisles]

I think time heals many wounds, but there are some things that will probably never be fully healed. For example, I will always believe that my ex cheated on me, though she adamantly denied it. Time will dampen that pain, but it will never be completely eradicated. Even if you are a forgiving person, which I am, sometimes time will still leave painful scars. What you hope is that enough of the bigger wounds that a breakup inflicts will dissipate as the calendar changes.

[debs]

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Time does heal; but I do agree the heart and the good old brain has to be together on this!

 

It has been near 10 months and I am reliving last year this time as this was my Wedding day! Divorce was Nov 2004.....

 

I am sad today but not down. Sad that this all happened! Stupid me for believing the man! For trusting him!! Ah that is history now and I am not about to do a 360 to back to where I was!

 

I also look at how far I have come in 10 months!!!!I am content, I can travel without a care and I do have my profession!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 3 months ago, and while I still love him and would love to get back together, my main aim is to get better.

 

I am just not sure about how active I have to be in my recovery.

Do you think that time alone will heal the wounds and I just have to ride it out and will get better, or do I have to actively try and get better?

 

I dont really feel like going but would rather stay home and relax with a book, music or watching a movie. But somehow I feel like I should go out and force myself to have fun.

 

Another question I have is concering rebounds. What determines if someone is a rebound? Is that the length of time since the breakup or whether you still care and think about your ex?

 

No, you are doing OK here from what u wrote.

 

Time does heal certain wounds and just covers some wounds up, like a band-aid. Some hurt never goes away, like the death of a parent or sibling.

 

A rebound is when you are involved with someone but still emotionally attached to someone else. Time is not a factor here.

[Weird]

IMO time does help heal but time should not make one forget the past. Everything we have experienced should help us in our future and in the case of relationships going sour, I think it is best to proceed into future relationships wiht the knowledge things can go sour. Too often people go into a new relationship like they did in the past oen and get burned yet again because they didn't protect themselves. This jsut happened wiht a friend of mine. He knows better but somehow he got into the same type of relationship and got screwed over.

 

I do not feel there is a set time to start dating again after a breakup or a set time for anything in life. It is all an individual choice as to when we decide to "move on" in our lives. If you do not feel comfortable yet about going out or dating other guys then don't do it. It is much better for you and other people involved if you wait to do stuff until you are totally for it. I know others disagree wiht this but it is my personal opinion. I would not do anything until I was certain I was ready for it.

[debs]

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Rob,

 

That is very true "until your ready".

 

I am far from ready and it would be disservice to date when I am not ready!

 

Focusing on my finances, travel and my advanced degree is the 3 most important things right now and fighting the gravity issue!

 

I hope most people learn that being alone is not the end of the world! Learn to love yourself before hopping back on the relationship wagon!

[iceisles]

I can't say that I'm ready either. I might be willing to casually hang out with some people, but I'd like to proceed very slow. It's not that I won't trust anyone again, but treading warily seems like the safest bet after being burned. It will be strange if I start dating someone new, but I suppose most of us feel the same way when we move from one relationship to another.

[Gottabestrong]

Thanks for your replies.

 

If I read your posts correctly, then you think it is okay to not be too proactive about healing, but to let time work it's way. At least to not push yourself to date when you are not ready for it yet.

 

Funny that most of the 'Get over your breakup'-books advise to start dating again straight away. Guess that sounds better/easier in theory than in praxis.

 

Has anybody else an opinion on rebounds?

 

How come that so often on these board when people talk about their exes having someone new, they get the advise to not worry about it as it is probably a rebound? Do we only say those things to make others feel better, or is there some theory behind it?

 

If it depends on the emotional involvement, and not on the timespan if someone is a rebound, how do we know if the exes are having a rebound or not? Just wondering.

 

Thanks for your opinions.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Case in point is that I have been invited to spend New Year's Eve with a few female friends. I dont really feel like going but would rather stay home and relax with a book, music or watching a movie. But somehow I feel like I should go out and force myself to have fun. Thing is that I have spent a few evenings in the past with the same people, and while I like them, I felt miserable missing my guy

 

Gottabestrong... i am in the same predicament as yourself... me and my girlfriend split up a few days ago ( happy christmas ) and i know both me and her will be thinking of each other at 12!!!!! you can't force yourself to have fun or be happy if you are going through this, it is natural to feel miserable missing somebody, don't pressurise yourself into trying to be anything especially on this particular night which is meant to be the the happiest event in the year ( the reality is it isn't for people like us or all those people in Asia )

 

however i do suggest you be around friends who love you for who you are, you still will feel heartbroken and you can't shed that, someday you will be OK, it takes time!

 

[UnicornGirl]

Time alone doesn't heal, in my opinion. It's more what happens in that time. Usually we learn to heal ourselves, if only subconsciously, with the passage of time. There are many ways of healing -- some better than others. I am working on myself, evaluating my feelings, and coming to terms with many persistent problems in my life. My ex, on the other hand, is choosing to psychologically repress all his feelings and emotions about "us," which I see as damaging and ultimately ineffective. We'll see who turns out better off, and I suspect wholeheartedly that it will be me.

 

I hope you have a good New Year's. You're pretty much all better off than me, because I unfortunately will be spending it alone. Oh well. New Year's is not that big of a deal, anyway.

[Mazellan]

Gottabestrong, funny that this topic should come up. Here are some of my thoughts on your post:

 

Yesterday, as we were painting the house prior to selling it, my ex said, unexpectedly, "time is the best healer" I was wondering "exactly what does it heal?"

 

Background: Our relationship of 23 years ended 5 weeks ago, totally unexpected. The previous day we made love all morning, went for a long walk, had coffee. The next day we made love in the morning, she said she wanted to go away for a few weeks to think about stuff (she is going through menopause), and that night she left, as it happens, forever. I now know who she was probably thinking about as we made love. She didn't even have the decency to tell me or the kids why she was leaving, until about 2 weeks later.

 

The youngest and oldest kids don't want anything to do with her. Maybe that is what she is hoping will heal. I think she had some kind of weird notion that we would all get over it in a day or two and we would be good friends, and she, her new partner and I would go out for coffee and a few laughs. Well all time is going to do to our relationship is help me to forget her. Sure, my pain will heal in time, but any type of relationship with her is dead. All the more difficult having 3 kids and a house to sell.

 

As to affairs that end relationships, I saw a statistic that said 80% of affairs end within 2 years. Well here's hoping.

 

Sometimes I feel like partying, other times I just want to be alone and cry. You have to go with your feelings, don't force yourself to go out all the time. But also, don't stay in all the time either. I have been amazed at how much support I have had from old friends. It is definitely worth following up old friends you may have lost contact with. All the better if they weren't your ex's friends so you can have a good bitch about your ex and they won't stand up for them.

 

Making new friends via the Internet is good too, even if they are not really what you want for a life partner, just having someone to write to, helps you to get your thoughts in perspective. And getting replies is so cheering, just knowing that someone still cares for you, even if only to spend time writing to you.

 

On Tuesday I made a date! I haven't been on a date for 23 years. It felt so good, I felt like a little kid telling everyone. And she is real too, not made up or some 86 year old guy pretending to be a 37 yo woman in some chat room! Only trouble is I'm obsessing about it, thinking forward to how will I cope when we have kids.

My God, it's only a first date! I am aware of the rebound effect, and I have to be careful of falling head over heals in love with the first woman who comes along, as a substitute for my lost love. I guess that I will know when I fall in honest love as distinct to a substitute love. Well, I hope I will know. I guess that if you are desperate to fall in love then it is too soon. But when you are comfortable with yourself, it's probably the right time.

 

Love this forum, I have learned so much in my 5 weeks of pain.

Cheers

[moon]

I think in relation to relationships ending (in terms of healing), I think what happens most of all is that we realize that that particular person wasn't right for us. I think this is the realization that eventually happens that heals us. I think it isn't even conscious. I think time goes on and then eventually we get into new situations and maybe date other people and have new experiences and then we start filling in the gaps ourselves. We realize we could never have done x,y or z if we'd been with that other person. I think what time does is allow things to make sense about why things didn't work out. I guess it makes us realize there might be a master plan out there that we aren't aware of and that our ex (#1, 2, 3 or however many you've had) didn't quite fit into that plan. They weren't meant for us. But I think it can take up to a year for things to start clicking again and for people to realize that who they used to be with wasn't right for them or we weren't right for those people. I think that's what time does. But in the initial throws of the relationship ending (up to six months) I think it's hard to see the forest from the trees. I know this, too. You second guess the decision and hope for reconciliation. You look for signs that that person was in fact right for you and that they will be coming back. I think in some cases these people do come back. So it's touch and go until you get all those signs in places and realize it aint gonna happen (or it is).

 

Sometimes these can be good signs, like you get offered a new job 3,000 miles away (good! new job) or an ex guy calls you up from out of the blue and wants to date you again or your ex gets sent to jail for five years or whatever. But I think we wait for those signs to tell us what to do. And then the ball starts rolling over time and we find ourselves in places we never thought we'd be and we realize---whoa that ex is so history--I can't imagine his with me now. But I think it does takes time to heal especially if the new start is sloooooow to take over from the old ending.

[XNemesisX]

These are some great replies.

 

I know that I am not ready to date yet because I was supposed to go on this date yesterday and of course, I cancelled. I have had several friends invite me to do things with them and I also don't feel like it. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who feels this way. When I go out it seems like all I do is feel worse afterward. Its a hard cycle. The few dates I have tried to go on just made me miss the ex more.

 

I think that in time I will get over this and be able to date again but right now its just all too fresh in my mind. I have heard a lot of people tell me that 6 months seems to be the rule. After that, you are pretty much over it usually. I guess it is different for everyone.

 

I wish there was some other way to move on quicker. It feels like the days drag on and to be over them completely couldn't come sooner.

 

I think that each relationship is different too, so the amount of time to get over it is also different. If you were the dumpee I think it takes a considerably greater amount of time to heal. In my relationship before this last one, I was over it in about 1 month - or less (I was the dumper), he tells me that it took him 1 year to get over me. This kind of startles me and makes me wonder if I might deserve this pain I'm going through somewhat. I know that this time around it will be much longer for me to heal. Probably because when you are the dumper you have sort of already emotionally detached yourself somewhat. When you are the dumpee you haven't detached yourself at all yet when the break up occurs. It sucks.

 

The main hope is that one day we will look back and have the realization that it would have never worked out. Life is really spontaneous. Think back to an earlier point in your life when the ex never even entered your life yet. Would you have ever guessed the things that happened in your life would have happened at that earlier point? You never know what can come to be in your life later down the road.

 

I think I may have sort of knew deep down that this relationship wouldn't last in the end. Mainly because my ex had a major problem with lying and was inconsistent. He was the "walk out the door" type instead of sitting down and actually communicating. He was too immature for me to see a real long term commitment happening. I was hopeful though. I got crushed when I finally saw it wasn't going to work out. I should have known better, but I had some "blind love" The first time he broke up with me he just fell off the face of the earth and didn't even bother calling me or seeing me to break up. I should have known right then that this person was inconsiderate and not worth a second chance. All it did by getting back together with him was relight my hopes up just to have those hopes shatter once again 6 months later and here I am going through the same grieving process I did last time. I would probably be over it by now if I hadn't got back together with him. But ahh well..what can ya do?

 

Honestly, I cannot wait for this whole holiday season to be over with. I am looking forward to January 2nd! And Gottabestrong....I will probably be reading a book and laying around by myself too. I'm just not feeling in a very party mood. I can barely even smile anymore.

[ion]

Time does not heal all wounds...

 

Simply marking the days does not suffice for that statement to be true.

 

What is does is let pain fade. The pain doesn't live day to day anymore, instead becoming memories.

 

It's the act of living that completes the saying.

 

Taking those little steps to feel the wind on your face, smiling at strangers again, dreaming with no remorse and facing a brave new world.

 

 

Cheers Love shack people, here's to a good year!

[Mazellan]

YX32Nemesis:

I wish there was some other way to move on quicker. It feels like the days drag on and to be over them completely couldn't come sooner.

Honestly, I cannot wait for this whole holiday season to be over with. ... I'm just not feeling in a very party mood. I can barely even smile anymore.

 

ion:

It's the act of living that completes the saying.

Taking those little steps to feel the wind on your face, smiling at strangers again, dreaming with no remorse and facing a brave new world.

 

To both of you, my sentiments exactly.

 

I get dizzy from the constant emotional ups and downs, sometimes within minutes.

 

Maz