Domestic issues force breakup

[ajogokats]

Hi,I'm AJ. I'm missing my ex-fiance badly. I'm now trying the NC.I was just about to call her before I got on this site and decided not to call her.We were recently together a week before Christmas and were intimate,it was awesome for both of us and she called me the next niteto say she was thinking about me,it felt so good.Then I dont hear from her,I have since sent her Christmas flowers and dug her car out of 16" of snow,showing her I want to take care of her.I invited her to dinner for tonite via e-mail with no response.

Here's my story: We broke up in early November '04. I walked out one day and didnt go back,she has 3 boys ages 21,15,14. I was fed up with her not getting much cooperation from them. I left and it hurt her badly. I was trying to send a message to her,she got the message alright. She has made some changes with respect to her boys but I paid the ultimate price.She now says it wont work and I say it will.I just think it is a matter of learning to communicate,little by little. She also says to give her time and space,it is hard but,I'm trying.

We were engaged in Oct.'04. We have a wonderful relationship when it's just us but,I havent learned how to communicate with her youngest son. We get along but their is a small wall between us,partly due to his father.Dont get me wrong,they are good kids but I have felt like an outsider with them,I was the first man in her life soon after her divorce. They are typical kids,you know,slobs,letting mom do everything for them,just like she did for her ex. I am used to more cooperation and discipline,I dont try to be the boss but I got frustrated frequently and it showed. She thinks I have really screwed up this time and I have tried to make amends by getting them all Christmas gifts,sending food over etc.

I think it's time for NC. I love her dearly and told her I would be here if she needs me.Like I said we have a great relationship,one-on-one,and fulfill each others needs,she says she still loves me,but the wall is there,a small one,I think can be torn down,but,I feel it needs time. She is on a personals site now,which hurts me but,I cant keep her where she doesnt want to be. Any insight woul be appreciated,AJ.

[_Saffy_]

she has asked for no contact so you have no choice but to do that.

 

anyone getting involved with a single mother has to understand that there will be a bond there that NOONE will be able to come between. not you, not any other new partner, not even their natural father. that bond is there to the exclusion of all others, and anything you say about her children she will defend. even if she agrees with you, she will defend them.

 

and boys that age ARE slobs, theres nothing you can do about that, you might feel that they walk all over their mother, but thats the way that they live, the way that they have been raised, and theres probably not much that you can do about that.

 

i think part of that issue lies deeper, as in, you can see their father in them, and thats maybe making you resent them a little?

 

you need to accept them as individuals, they have parts of both parents in them, but they are still individuals, im sure they have good points that outweigh the bad.

 

but for now, go with the no contact, anything else that you try to do in the meantime is just going to aggravate her.

[Devildog]

Funny thing about ultimatums, you better be ready for the fallout. You asked a mother to put you ahead of her own children. Wasn't going to happen. If she did she wouldn't be much of a mother. She now knows how you feel about her kids, and she isn't going to forget that. Your best bet if you want to make up for your, sorry to sound so harsh, idiocy is to try to make sure you can have a good relationship with the kids. She isn't going to let you back into her life if she isn't positive you can accept her kids as they are.

[ajogokats]

Thanks,you both are right,I need to build a bridge between her boys and me,I've been thinking about how to do it,I know how,but I think I better plan the when,it will be through their stomaches,I know,I'll take them out to lunch sometime,explain how I feel and let them respond. They know I care,but I'm not a good communicator,thank you,AJ.

[Devildog]

Good luck, you will have your work cut out for you, that is for sure. 14 and 15 year old boys will be a very tough job to win over. They are at their most rebellious stage right now. Suggest starting with the 21 year old, he will be more mature and more likely to listen to you and he can influence his younger brothers.

[_Saffy_]

agree with DD, the oldest is maybe the best option.

 

dont try to be the new best buddy tho, thats cheap, talk to him man on man. treat him like an adult, and he may just respect your opinions.

[ajogokats]

Thanks to both of you for your interest. Her oldest and I are on pretty good terms,we have spoken recently,her middle son and I are on fairly good terms,mainly because he's an eating machine and he loves my cooking which I do quite often. Her youngest is the one who is in more of a rebellious stage.

I really would like to take the two youngest out for lunch and try to mend fences,and I have been rehearsing the conversation in my head.I realize that I have to be sincere and I dont want to manipulate them,which would do more harm than good. I also will ask them not to mention it to their mom,just yet.I still am trying to give her some peace at this point. I have to let them know that I am not asking them to like me,only that I care and if there's any chance for us at all,we all have to be at peace with each other,and I have learned from the mistakes of the past,basically that I'm sorry if I hurt them and that was not my intention,I am still learning. Thanks for your input,AJ.