I got myself into this...

[OneBigMess]

Hey all,

 

I'm desperate here. I need advice in a hurry. If anyone can offer any advice/criticism/etc., please please don't hold back. Here goes...

 

PART ONE:

 

I started dating my now wife 12 years ago. The night my girlfriend moved out of state, finally ending a terrible relationship once and for all, I fell into the arms of my best friend. I didn't ever expect the relationship to last as long as it has. We fought often early on, but there was passion then. Also mental illness... After five years or so I realized that I wasn't really attracted to her any more. That became a source of semi-frequent fighting as she would try to initiate sex and I just couldn't force myself to be interested.

 

Two years ago I was in my final semester of engineering school (32 years old at the time, better late than never I suppose). I got a full-time job as soon as I graduated. We had a series of fights and I agreed to to go on antidepressants. She agreed to go on anti-anxiety pills. Turned out those were the same: Celexa. She was miserable with her job, and we agreed that she needed to get out and try something different to see if she could be happier in general. She quit her job and we got married. Largely because she needed my insurance and I was tired of making excuses for not getting married.

 

Here's the rub: I realized years ago that the spark was gone; that I simply wasn't attracted to her sexually any more. BUT I could never ever tell her that. Not in so many words. And every time we fought I was too much of a chicken **** to leave her. I've always been afraid that she would implode. She's four years older than I am and has lost some of the charm and looks that got her attention in her younger years.

 

PART TWO:

 

Before I started dating my wife, I met a girl. She was a little younger than me and just beautiful. We worked together and had fun flirting all the time. I was dating another girl (the one who moved out of state) and she was in a relationship as well. At one point we confessed a mutual crush, but there was nothing we could do about it at the time without causing one hell of a ruckus.

 

After I started dating my now wife, she split with her guy and started on a series of bad relationships, often telling my wife (gf at the time) that she wished she could find her "MY NAME HERE." I watched her do too many stupid things to count over the course of this time, and I would get frustrated with her; often to the point that I was like "how could I ever want to date this person?" Months would go by between seeing this girl, but every single time I saw her my feelings would well up inside me. Every couple months I would see her and fall back in love (yes, I said love). Despite all the dumb **** I have seen her do, I am still so enamored with her personality, her intelligence, her whole being. Also, over the course of these years she has gone from being a pretty girl into a beautiful, stunning woman.

 

Regardless, every time these feelings came up I would find a way to put them away. I could never hurt my wife, no matter what.

 

Not this time. I saw her a month ago and all those feelings came back stronger than ever. I haven't been sleeping, losing appetite, and when I hear my wife make a presumptive comment that this girl is trying to sleep with so-and-so, my heart collapses, and I can't think of anything else, losing productivity at work.

 

I asked this girl to meet me for lunch and she agreed. At a lunch with no eating, I confessed my feelings for her. That every time I see her and we embrace, every fiber of my being erupts in joy and screams for me to never let her go. Followed abruptly by the devastating realization that we cannot be together. She admitted to having the exact same feelings for me. Always falling for me and wanting to leave her life and run away with me.

 

PART THREE:

 

While I was waiting in vain for these feelings for the other girl to subside, I had something of a manic/depressive episode at home one night. I told my wife that I am not happy. Bored, in fact, and when I look at the future there is nothing I am excited about. We've had fights along these lined before and it always came back to "I need to work on myself." Problem is I don't want to. I'm having feelings of joy I haven't felt in years. I forgot what it feels like to be excited, to be hopeful.

 

Anyway, during this confession, she kept and kept pressing me, asking if there was someone else. I was drinking and eventually admitted that I had been falling in and out of love with this girl since my wife and I had started dating. Further drinking and my resultant inability to lie and she found out that I had talked to this girl about my feelings for her.

 

The next day, we talked about divorce or trial separation. We settled on me taking a week away at a hotel. This was Friday. Yesterday I told her we need to not communicate during the course of this separation, and that didn't go over well. I really need some perspective to decide if I can gain the motivation to try and make it work with my wife, and in order to get that perspective, I have to get out of my comfort zone.

 

My wife insists that this girl and I can never be together. They are friends after all, that would be too painful for her. I love my wife. She's been my best friend for years, and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her, but the thought of living through life and never giving myself and this other girl the chance to make a go of a relationship kills me. I don't know how I will ever be happy if we don't at least try.

 

So there you have it. I'm living along in a roach hotel. I have been communicating with this girl somewhat, especially on Friday night when I was singing and dancing around this ****ty hotel room, over them moon about possibly being able to give it a shot with this girl. She is distancing herself. Doesn't want to be a home wrecker, nor do I want her to be. This is about my wife and I, but most of the time all I can do is think about this other girl.

 

I'm not going to cheat on my wife. This girl would never agree even if I wanted to.

 

At this point, I don't see this going any other way than me returning to my wife and telling her we need to get a divorce. I just can't see any way to take my feelings for this girl and re-direct them towards my wife.

 

Thoughts?

Edited November 25, 2013 by OneBigMess

[Yasuandio]

It sounds to me, during this time away, you've come full circle on your own. Thank goodness the young lady had the self-respect and dignity to resist complicating matters by getting further involved with you.

 

That said, you decision to divorce must be made based only on your relationship with your wife. Don't count on this young lady to be waiting in the wings for you. I believe she may have given you the "kiss off" in a very subtle way (that is, she may have been telling you not to give up your marriage - because, under NO circumstances will she bear that on her conscious, period). Yas

[OneBigMess]

It sounds to me, during this time away, you've come full circle on your own. Thank goodness the young lady had the self-respect and dignity to resist complicating matters by getting further involved with you.

 

That said, you decision to divorce must be made based only on your relationship with your wife. Don't count on this young lady to be waiting in the wings for you. I believe she may have given you the "kiss off" in a very subtle way (that is, she may have been telling you not to give up your marriage - because, under NO circumstances will she bear that on her conscious, period). Yas

 

When you say "full circle," what do you mean?

 

The young lady in question is indeed incredible, but to be clear I never asked her to get further involved with me and never would. Not while I'm married.

 

I totally understand that this is about my wife and I. Sometimes more than others. I guess my point is that the feelings I am experiencing with this girl just served to remind me that I have been numb for so long. The problem is that, in addition to waking me up to my general unhappiness, those feelings are so intense that it is so freaking hard to think about anything but her.

 

If she is indeed giving me the "kiss off," that would be devastating. However, I don't think taking the possibility of being with her out of the situation changes anything for me. If I leave my wife and still never get the chance to give it a go with this girl, I'm sure I would be a freaking mess.

 

BUT, if I stay with my wife I will always wonder.

 

If I leave my wife and 1) get into a relationship with this girl and live happily ever after, 2) we try and it turns out we aren't good for one another or 3) she refuses to ever be with me, at least I'll know...

Edited November 25, 2013 by OneBigMess

[oldshirt]

You have a lot of different things going on here and a history of emotional issues and multiple layers of marital and personal issues.

 

My recommendation is to seek both IC and MC. The counseling can help you peel back the many layers of issues and help determine what you need to do live a healthy and functional life.

 

The counseling doesn't necessarily have to be about "saving the marriage." The counselor might just as well recommend dissolving the marriage and working out ways to lessen the distress and angst that would be involved in a divorce.

 

As a side note, one question I think you should ask yourself is if this other gal was not in the picture at all, would you still be considering divorce from your wife? Do you think divorce from her would be your best option even if this other gal didn't exist?

[OneBigMess]

You have a lot of different things going on here and a history of emotional issues and multiple layers of marital and personal issues.

 

My recommendation is to seek both IC and MC. The counseling can help you peel back the many layers of issues and help determine what you need to do live a healthy and functional life.

 

The counseling doesn't necessarily have to be about "saving the marriage." The counselor might just as well recommend dissolving the marriage and working out ways to lessen the distress and angst that would be involved in a divorce.

 

As a side note, one question I think you should ask yourself is if this other gal was not in the picture at all, would you still be considering divorce from your wife? Do you think divorce from her would be your best option even if this other gal didn't exist?

 

I have actually tried IC. All that I got was a lot of "oh gee, you glow when you talk about this other girl. You seem to be in love." useless non-advice. As for MC, the thing is we can talk until we're blue in the face about how I need to do something to better our relationship, but while I have no motivation to do so, nothing changes. How do I force motivation? How to I force myself to want to make things work with my wife? I have tried and failed.

[OneBigMess]

There is no such thing as a home wrecker. That takes away the married man's free will and shifts blame away from him...married men are home wreckers, not the other woman. Nobody forces a married man to cheat.

 

I am glad you are divorcing your wife. I feel bad for her reading your post. She deserves better.

 

Whoa whoa whoa, what's with all the anger? "Home wrecker" was the term this other girl used in our conversation, which I took to mean that she didn't want to be a focal point if I decide to divorce my wife. And I haven't ****ing cheated! If you can tell me how to force my heart to point in a different direction, please please do so.

 

And I think my wife does deserve better. She is a wonderful person and deserves to be worshipped every day. I just can't convince myself that I'm the one to do that. I hope she can realize that I'm not the only one unhappy here. She does deserve better than this...

[OneBigMess]

As a side note, one question I think you should ask yourself is if this other gal was not in the picture at all, would you still be considering divorce from your wife? Do you think divorce from her would be your best option even if this other gal didn't exist?

 

I'm trying to do that. Sometimes I can for a while. During that time, of course things seem more dire because I'm not fantasizing about what my life could be.

 

Even if this girl were to reject me post-separation from my wife, I feel like the point remains that my wife deserves more than I can provide. And maybe I deserve more than our relationship can provide for me.

 

I really feel like I've poorly explained the situation here. I'm not some superficial *******. My intention is to hurt no one, but my heart is so full of love for the first time in so long that I don't know what to do...

[strive]

I feel sorry for your wife. You aren't strong enough to resist temptation (you actually courted it). You only have the courage to end it now because you know there's someone waiting on the wings for you. It's a selfish way out.

 

If you do get divorced, you should consider staying single for quite some time. There are many things wrong with you and you should fix them first. Otherwise, the thing you're doing to your wife right now, you'll be doing the exact thing with this new girl months or even years from now.

[OneBigMess]

I feel sorry for your wife. You aren't strong enough to resist temptation (you actually courted it). You only have the courage to end it now because you know there's someone waiting on the wings for you. It's a selfish way out.

 

If you do get divorced, you should consider staying single for quite some time. There are many things wrong with you and you should fix them first. Otherwise, the thing you're doing to your wife right now, you'll be doing the exact thing with this new girl months or even years from now.

 

Okay, so the consensus is that I'm an *******. Fine. So I should stay with my wife, who I am no longer attracted to, forever because otherwise I'm a selfish jerk.

 

Look, apparently mentioning this other girl as a mistake, because the real issue here is that I'm unhappy in my relationship. I'm unhappy because for years I've been sticking around rather than hurt my wife's feelings. I want to experience a life full of emotions.

 

So yes, I am feeling selfish. I want to be happy. I am not now. And, though she won't see it, I'm fairly sure my wife is unhappy too.

 

There are many things wrong with you and you should fix them first.

 

Please elaborate.

Edited November 25, 2013 by OneBigMess

[beach]

You will never be capable of connecting and loving your W while you're so focused on your OW.

 

Proper order says divorce.

 

Then see how things play out with the gal that's hanging around.

 

 

And since you met with her and had lunch etc - without telling your W ahead of time - that's considered secretive = cheating.

[cozycottagelg]

Do you have children?

[OneBigMess]

Do you have children?

 

No. 2 dogs and a house.

[cozycottagelg]

No. 2 dogs and a house.

 

Maybe I'm not the best person to give advice because I'm currently very unhappy in my marriage, but, I say, file for divorce. You don't have children man...go. Do you want to wonder this question every single day for the rest of your life?? Go. If you had children I'd maybe feel differently, but you don't.

 

Even if things don't work out with the new girl, obviously your feelings for your wife are gone. File.

[OneBigMess]

I'm feeling like I've been too honest about myself while not explaining my relationship with my wife in any detail.

 

I don't want to say anything disparaging about my wife, but she's not perfect. In a lot of ways I feel like I've been trapped in this relationship (now marriage) because every time we've attempted to split she lays on the guilt about how she will never get a job/meet someone else/etc. So I haven't been able to leave because I couldn't stand the notion of her being unhappy forever. I've been doing this for twelve years.

 

The irony, of course, is that by staying I was apparently delaying and worsening the inevitable. I hoped and hoped that I would feel differently as time went on. I have tried to do things to bring some spark back into the relationship. She has tried some as well. Ultimately things always go back to the same boring routine. She's not interested in the things I am, and all I can tell that she is interested is staying distracted by working and watching TV on the couch. She refuses to motivate herself into doing anything interesting, and we're both in a routine where every evening entails lots of drinking.

 

I wish I could try. I wish I knew how to make it work. I would love any advice to that end, but so far all I am getting is criticism for being unfair to my wife.

 

Have I waited too long? Is it too late for me to try and do something selfish like leaving an unfulfilling relationship in the hopes that I might find someone to have that "spark" with? Am I really such a bad guy for wanting to be happy?

Edited November 25, 2013 by OneBigMess

[cozycottagelg]

I'm feeling like I've been too honest about myself while not explaining my relationship with my wife in any detail.

 

I don't want to say anything disparaging about my wife, but she's not perfect. In a lot of ways I feel like I've been trapped in this relationship (now marriage) because every time we've attempted to split she lays on the guilt about how she will never get a job/meet someone else/etc. So I haven't been able to leave because I couldn't stand the notion of her being unhappy forever. I've been doing this for twelve years.

 

The irony, of course, is that by staying I was apparently delaying and worsening the inevitable. I hoped and hoped that I would feel differently as time went on. I have tried to do things to bring some spark back into the relationship. She has tried some as well. Ultimately things always go back to the same boring routine. She's not interested in the things I am, and all I can tell that she is interested is staying distracted by working and watching TV on the couch. She refuses to motivate herself into doing anything interesting, and we're both in a routine where every evening entails lots of drinking.

 

 

When I was finally able to tell my husband how I really felt, he did the same thing. Laid on the guilt, told me he'd never find anyone else, he'd never date again, what was so wrong with him, etc. It SUCKS. I'm still here and miserable, over a year later. Seriously, go....if you had the courage to tell her how you really felt, follow through! Do not end up like me.

[beach]

I don't think there's any value in describing her inefficiencies in your M.

 

You're not INVESTED in your M - so there's no point in continuing.

 

You want out - divorce her.

[cozycottagelg]

Also, you're not a bad guy. Had you explained your unhappiness with your wife, made it clear you had no children, and didn't mention your crush on the other girl, everyone here would have told you to go find happiness.

 

In the whole time I've been reading these forums, as soon as a married person mentions a crush, or a distraction from their marriage, it's jumped on immediately and picked apart.

 

I'm not saying you are being fair to your wife, I'm not saying you aren't...all I am saying is, if you aren't happy and you don't have children, you may as well go.

[OneBigMess]

I don't think there's any value in describing her inefficiencies in your M.

 

I would have thought so, but with the way I'm being attacked here it's as though everyone imagines she's a freaking saint. I love her and would never want to hurt her, but we're not in some kind of perfect marriage while I'm off dreaming of sleeping with other women.

 

Is it too late for me to start over with a new post, omitting the part about how I'm not sure how to put away my feelings for this other girl?

[RightThere]

I would have thought so, but with the way I'm being attacked here it's as though everyone imagines she's a freaking saint. I love her and would never want to hurt her, but we're not in some kind of perfect marriage while I'm off dreaming of sleeping with other women.

 

Is it too late for me to start over with a new post, omitting the part about how I'm not sure how to put away my feelings for this other girl?

 

No one thinks she's perfect, but you're not ending your existing relationship before worrying about your next one.

 

Your marriage may be in trouble, but you're not 100% focused on either repairing it or ending it. You need to deal with that first. This new relationship is exactly that. NEW. So it's fun, exciting, you've got butterflies, etc.

 

Figure out what you want to do with your wife before you add another layer.

[OneBigMess]

Figure out what you want to do with your wife before you add another layer.

 

Absolutely. I see now that my exceedingly long-winded original post was way too much information.

 

Simply put, how do I find motivation to try and make my relationship work with my wife when I'm not attracted to her?

[RightThere]

Simply put, how do I find motivation to try and make my relationship work with my wife when I'm not attracted to her?

 

You spin around three times and say "Shazam".

 

Seriously? Do you really think anyone can answer that question for you? If you want to make it work, then you work on it (counselling, talking, etc). If you're not interesting in working on it, then you don't and you leave.

 

Fact is, you're not attracted to you wife because you are not working or trying in your relationship. She probably isn't either, but you can only focus on the work you are willing to do. If you put in real effort, she may change.

[OneBigMess]

You spin around three times and say "Shazam".

 

Seriously? Do you really think anyone can answer that question for you? If you want to make it work, then you work on it (counselling, talking, etc). If you're not interesting in working on it, then you don't and you leave.

 

Fact is, you're not attracted to you wife because you are not working or trying in your relationship. She probably isn't either, but you can only focus on the work you are willing to do. If you put in real effort, she may change.

 

I'm not looking for a magic formula. Really I was just hoping to hear from someone with a similar experience.

 

How does one force physical attraction? Has anyone ever come back from a loss of spark in their marriage and made things work such that everyone is happy in the relationship?

[strive]

Okay, so the consensus is that I'm an *******. Fine. So I should stay with my wife, who I am no longer attracted to, forever because otherwise I'm a selfish jerk.

 

Look, apparently mentioning this other girl as a mistake, because the real issue here is that I'm unhappy in my relationship. I'm unhappy because for years I've been sticking around rather than hurt my wife's feelings. I want to experience a life full of emotions.

 

So yes, I am feeling selfish. I want to be happy. I am not now. And, though she won't see it, I'm fairly sure my wife is unhappy too.

 

 

 

Please elaborate.

I never said you should stay with her. In fact that's a terrible thing to do knowing that you've already checked out of the relationship. What I think you're trying to get from this thread is the assurance that you're not a 'bad guy' for breaking it off with your wife. You're trying to justify why you want to break up.

 

Your post is full of complaints about your wife She seems very unhappy and it must be for some reason. I don't see you owning up to things you did (or didn't do) that contributed to your marriage's unhappiness.

 

As for things wrong with you, here are a few:

 

1) Emotional cheating. There were three people in the relationship from the beginning -- you, your wife, and your secret crush -- of course it could only end badly.

 

2) You don't seem to want to put in the work to make things right. Or you ARE putting in the work, but only out of obligation. Resentment would only come out of that.

 

3) "I was tired of making excuses for not getting married."

 

4) You view relationship as something that needed 'spark' and 'feelings' all the time. People who believe that are those who'd never go the distance with anyone. That's why I said you'd end up doing the same with the other girl. Relationships that last should be based on this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/440907-one-best-statements-love-relationships-i-have-ever-read

 

So reading again your post, yeah I think it would be best if you break it off. Not to chase that feeling of being in love, but to work on yourself.

Edited November 25, 2013 by strive

[RightThere]

How does one force physical attraction? Has anyone ever come back from a loss of spark in their marriage and made things work such that everyone is happy in the relationship?

 

You cannot force it. And people fall back in love all the time.

 

But if you feel nothing for her, then don't waste her time or yours. It happens all the time where one spouse starts thinking "I don't love her anymore, I don't think I was every in love with her" but you're re-writing history in your mind. You're convincing yourself that there never was anything, so it's easier to leave.

 

You may feel like you've worked hard on your relationship, but you're worked WRONG on your relationship. You've drifted apart because you did not communicate well and did not get from the other spouse what you needed.

 

My advice, be honest with your wife about EVERYTHING. It will do one of two things.

 

1) She takes it as a real wake up call and starts making some real changes. Then you can see if what she is doing is worth fighting for.

 

2) She doesn't care and you split up anyways. Then you know that it wasn't meant to be anymore.

[OneBigMess]

1) Emotional cheating. There were three people in the relationship from the beginning -- you, your wife, and your secret crush -- of course it could only end badly.

 

The secret crush was in and out. I didn't get into this relationship knowing my feelings for the other girl would develop into something so difficult to control.

 

2) You don't seem to want to put in the work to make things right. Or you ARE putting in the work, but only out of obligation. Resentment would only come out of that.

 

I have put in the work. I'm tired.

 

3) "I was tired of making excuses for not getting married."

 

Fair enough. I couldn't leave her but didn't want to get married on account of the complications introduced by marriage. When we did agree to get married I really really hoped things would work out between us.

 

4) You view relationship as something that needed 'spark' and 'feelings' all the time. People who believe that are those who'd never go the distance with anyone. That's why I said you'd end up doing the same with the other girl. Relationships that last should be based on this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/440907-one-best-statements-love-relationships-i-have-ever-read

 

Um, we've been together for 12 years now, two of them married. I don't need 'spark' and 'feelings' ALL THE TIME. Just some of the time. Just sometimes would be plenty.

 

So reading again your post, yeah I think it would be best if you break it off. Not to chase that feeling of being in love, but to work on yourself.

 

Keep in mind you only know the things I have put out there, and if you think I'm absolving myself of responsibility you are incorrect. Perhaps my tone doesn't come across the way I mean it, but I am embarrassed to be in this situation. Thoroughly ashamed. I hate being in this position, but here I am. Confused, upset and on the verge of deeply hurting my best friend. But I'm also tired. I haven't been truly happy for a very long time.

 

Again, I don't expect that excitement of new love all the time, but never is not often enough for me.