I got myself into this...

[Yasuandio]

When you say "full circle," what do you mean?

 

What I meant was that you seem to have carefully analyzed your marital status out from all angles and have rationalized your current desires for the OW in your own mind.

 

The young lady in question is indeed incredible, but to be clear I never asked her to get further involved with me and never would. Not while I'm married.

 

So what? You're involved with her in your head.

 

I totally understand that this is about my wife and I. Sometimes more than others. I guess my point is that the feelings I am experiencing with this girl just served to remind me that I have been numb for so long. The problem is that, in addition to waking me up to my general unhappiness, those feelings are so intense that it is so freaking hard to think about anything but her.

 

If she is indeed giving me the "kiss off," that would be devastating. However, I don't think taking the possibility of being with her out of the situation changes anything for me. If I leave my wife and still never get the chance to give it a go with this girl, I'm sure I would be a freaking mess.

 

BUT, if I stay with my wife I will always wonder.

 

If I leave my wife and 1) get into a relationship with this girl and live happily ever after, 2) we try and it turns out we aren't good for one another or 3) she refuses to ever be with me, at least I'll know...

 

Today, "Beach" put it very concisely: "You will never be capable of connecting and loving your W while you're so focused on your OW." Your response to my post is also a dead giveaway - you want your cake and you want to eat it to. Here's the problem with that. While your munching down this new delicious cake (ruminanating and/or whatever else with OW), the frosting on the other cake at home is melting off. That means - you cannot devote proper attention to your wife and marriage when you have other options on your mind. And your wife senses this, at least subcousiously.

 

Yeah, you have a freaking mess alright. I think it may be called GIGS. When you have GIGS, you can only see the negatives in your partner cause your head is fogged up with all the new cool stuff about the fresh new lawn. You know, I bet you'll go through a heck of lot of manure to get a taste of that other yard, so, I hope you got a big azzed shovel. Yas

[OneBigMess]

FYI, I appreciate all the comments, though a little less condescending condemnation would be appreciated.

 

Am I the only one who has ever been possessed by feelings they couldn't shake? If only I could be completely rational with every thought in my day, but then I guess I was until recently. Until I was reminded what it is like to feel something. What it feels like to look forward to something. NO, not just the other girl. Anything.

[secretlady76]

There's all this talk about working on yourself etc etc, which basically means you need to change to make your marriage work. I don't believe that to be the best course of action. You are you and your wife is who she is and quite frankly, if you don't get on, you don't get on. If you don't feel the 'spark' then you can't make yourself feel it. It's not something you can create. It's either there or it's not. And if it's still not there 12 years later, it ain't gonna be there tomorrow, next week, next year....in 10 years time, regardless of whether OW was in the picture or not.

 

So now, what are you going to do? Well, you did the right thing stopping contact with OW. There is no way you can gather your thoughts and sort your home mess out whilst she is still in the picture. Are you going to 'get over her?', well only time will tell. I mean you can pretend she doesn't exist, but I'm afriad that's a total waste of time, because you know she exits, so it's pointless pretending she's doesn't. But a bit of space may calm your feelings down a little into something with a bit more perspective.

 

I'm not sure one week in a hotel will be enough to be honest. I would perhaps suggest a month and not in a hotel, they are way too depressing. Can you rent a flat or something...something a bit more homely, otherwise you'll go loopy in a hotel.

 

I agree a bit of time not talking to your wife may help a little, especially whilst emotions are high.

 

I think perhaps after a bit of time, go home and give it your all. Really try everything you can to save your marriage (AND DO NOT CONTACT OR SEE OW). Give it time. If after all that you STILL feel the same then fine, you tried, it didn't work, you need to move on, at least then you can say you tried your best.

 

Just don't base the decision on OW. The decision lies between you and your wife (easy to say, not so easy to do, especially when you have the intense feelings you have for OW).

 

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt (still wearing the freaking t-shirt) so you have my sympathies.....

[OneBigMess]

When you have GIGS, you can only see the negatives in your partner cause your head is fogged up with all the new cool stuff about the fresh new lawn. You know, I bet you'll go through a heck of lot of manure to get a taste of that other yard, so, I hope you got a big azzed shovel. Yas

 

I haven't been really positive about my partner for months, maybe years. I just accepted that this was life and I will do this until I die. The other girl and my feelings for her just jolted me out of complacency.

[strive]

I was in an 11 year relationship before it ended, so I believe you when you say that's a very long time to live an unhappy life. Like you, I've always thought that "this was life and I will do this until I die" and that's a very very depressing thing.

 

There is nothing wrong with leaving an unhappy relationship. Especially if it is a choice you made independently. However, there is everything wrong with leaving a relationship for a possibility to "give it a shot with this girl."

 

That's why I keep encouraging you to stay alone, learn to live alone. By jumping from one relationship to another, it shows that you need another person to validate you. But you have to learn to love yourself, live by yourself, enjoy life by yourself. Because if you can't make yourself happy, you will put that burden on the next person you have a relationship with. Then your karmic cycle will begin again.

[revitup]

Today, "Beach" put it very concisely: "You will never be capable of connecting and loving your W while you're so focused on your OW." Your response to my post is also a dead giveaway - you want your cake and you want to eat it to. Here's the problem with that. While your munching down this new delicious cake (ruminanating and/or whatever else with OW), the frosting on the other cake at home is melting off. That means - you cannot devote proper attention to your wife and marriage when you have other options on your mind. And your wife senses this, at least subcousiously.

 

Yeah, you have a freaking mess alright. I think it may be called GIGS. When you have GIGS, you can only see the negatives in your partner cause your head is fogged up with all the new cool stuff about the fresh new lawn. You know, I bet you'll go through a heck of lot of manure to get a taste of that other yard, so, I hope you got a big azzed shovel. Yas

 

I agree with Yas and ,

I bet if you come home to find your "cake" all over some other guy's face,you'll be mad that he ate the cake you didn't want.

 

REVITUP

[OneBigMess]

By jumping from one relationship to another, it shows that you need another person to validate you. But you have to learn to love yourself, live by yourself, enjoy life by yourself. Because if you can't make yourself happy, you will put that burden on the next person you have a relationship with. Then your karmic cycle will begin again.

 

I've actually been jumping from one relationship to another since I was a teenager. Maybe you're onto something there...

[beach]

Absolutely. I see now that my exceedingly long-winded original post was way too much information.

 

Simply put, how do I find motivation to try and make my relationship work with my wife when I'm not attracted to her?

 

You can't - as long as you're fantasizing about your OW.

[OneBigMess]

I agree with Yas and ,

I bet if you come home to find your "cake" all over some other guy's face,you'll be mad that he ate the cake you didn't want.

 

REVITUP

 

Actually, if that guy was willing to treat the "cake" right and make it feel special, I'd be relieved. Happy for the "cake" even.

[OneBigMess]

You can't - as long as you're fantasizing about your OW.

 

This problem existed prior to my latest round of extreme feelings for this girl. In fact, it's been a problem for years, maybe half of the relationship. So the OW isn't exactly the problem here.

[tiredofitall2]

Hey all,

 

I'm desperate here. I need advice in a hurry. If anyone can offer any advice/criticism/etc., please please don't hold back. Here goes...

 

PART ONE:

 

I started dating my now wife 12 years ago. The night my girlfriend moved out of state, finally ending a terrible relationship once and for all, I fell into the arms of my best friend. I didn't ever expect the relationship to last as long as it has. We fought often early on, but there was passion then. Also mental illness... After five years or so I realized that I wasn't really attracted to her any more. That became a source of semi-frequent fighting as she would try to initiate sex and I just couldn't force myself to be interested.

 

Two years ago I was in my final semester of engineering school (32 years old at the time, better late than never I suppose). I got a full-time job as soon as I graduated. We had a series of fights and I agreed to to go on antidepressants. She agreed to go on anti-anxiety pills. Turned out those were the same: Celexa. She was miserable with her job, and we agreed that she needed to get out and try something different to see if she could be happier in general. She quit her job and we got married. Largely because she needed my insurance and I was tired of making excuses for not getting married.

 

Here's the rub: I realized years ago that the spark was gone; that I simply wasn't attracted to her sexually any more. BUT I could never ever tell her that. Not in so many words. And every time we fought I was too much of a chicken **** to leave her. I've always been afraid that she would implode. She's four years older than I am and has lost some of the charm and looks that got her attention in her younger years.

 

PART TWO:

 

Before I started dating my wife, I met a girl. She was a little younger than me and just beautiful. We worked together and had fun flirting all the time. I was dating another girl (the one who moved out of state) and she was in a relationship as well. At one point we confessed a mutual crush, but there was nothing we could do about it at the time without causing one hell of a ruckus.

 

After I started dating my now wife, she split with her guy and started on a series of bad relationships, often telling my wife (gf at the time) that she wished she could find her "MY NAME HERE." I watched her do too many stupid things to count over the course of this time, and I would get frustrated with her; often to the point that I was like "how could I ever want to date this person?" Months would go by between seeing this girl, but every single time I saw her my feelings would well up inside me. Every couple months I would see her and fall back in love (yes, I said love). Despite all the dumb **** I have seen her do, I am still so enamored with her personality, her intelligence, her whole being. Also, over the course of these years she has gone from being a pretty girl into a beautiful, stunning woman.

 

Regardless, every time these feelings came up I would find a way to put them away. I could never hurt my wife, no matter what.

 

Not this time. I saw her a month ago and all those feelings came back stronger than ever. I haven't been sleeping, losing appetite, and when I hear my wife make a presumptive comment that this girl is trying to sleep with so-and-so, my heart collapses, and I can't think of anything else, losing productivity at work.

 

I asked this girl to meet me for lunch and she agreed. At a lunch with no eating, I confessed my feelings for her. That every time I see her and we embrace, every fiber of my being erupts in joy and screams for me to never let her go. Followed abruptly by the devastating realization that we cannot be together. She admitted to having the exact same feelings for me. Always falling for me and wanting to leave her life and run away with me.

 

PART THREE:

 

While I was waiting in vain for these feelings for the other girl to subside, I had something of a manic/depressive episode at home one night. I told my wife that I am not happy. Bored, in fact, and when I look at the future there is nothing I am excited about. We've had fights along these lined before and it always came back to "I need to work on myself." Problem is I don't want to. I'm having feelings of joy I haven't felt in years. I forgot what it feels like to be excited, to be hopeful.

 

Anyway, during this confession, she kept and kept pressing me, asking if there was someone else. I was drinking and eventually admitted that I had been falling in and out of love with this girl since my wife and I had started dating. Further drinking and my resultant inability to lie and she found out that I had talked to this girl about my feelings for her.

 

The next day, we talked about divorce or trial separation. We settled on me taking a week away at a hotel. This was Friday. Yesterday I told her we need to not communicate during the course of this separation, and that didn't go over well. I really need some perspective to decide if I can gain the motivation to try and make it work with my wife, and in order to get that perspective, I have to get out of my comfort zone.

 

My wife insists that this girl and I can never be together. They are friends after all, that would be too painful for her. I love my wife. She's been my best friend for years, and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her, but the thought of living through life and never giving myself and this other girl the chance to make a go of a relationship kills me. I don't know how I will ever be happy if we don't at least try.

 

So there you have it. I'm living along in a roach hotel. I have been communicating with this girl somewhat, especially on Friday night when I was singing and dancing around this ****ty hotel room, over them moon about possibly being able to give it a shot with this girl. She is distancing herself. Doesn't want to be a home wrecker, nor do I want her to be. This is about my wife and I, but most of the time all I can do is think about this other girl.

 

I'm not going to cheat on my wife. This girl would never agree even if I wanted to.

 

At this point, I don't see this going any other way than me returning to my wife and telling her we need to get a divorce. I just can't see any way to take my feelings for this girl and re-direct them towards my wife.

 

Thoughts?

 

YES, wake up out of your Fog!

 

Affair fog. Look it up........

[OneBigMess]

YES, wake up out of your Fog!

 

Affair fog. Look it up........

 

I just did. I get some of the parallels.

 

My wife is incredible, and the girl that I am head over heels with has so many flaws. In fact, my wife has so many flaws, and the girl that I am head over heels with is incredible. There is no demonizing going on here.

 

That's all I have to say about a ridiculous attempt to lump all "Wayward" feelings and intentions into one solitary phenomenon. I'm kind of embarrassed I bit at this one...

[tiredofitall2]

Maybe you are right and you just don't love your spouse. Hopefully you wont come back one day begging for her to take you back as you realized you made a huge mistake. Good luck!

[strive]

I've actually been jumping from one relationship to another since I was a teenager. Maybe you're onto something there...

It's great you're acknowledging this! Whether or not this is the root of your problem, it's something to think about while you're in your hotel. Good luck to you, I hope you find a good solution to your problems--whether it's breaking up or staying together.

[revitup]

I just did. I get some of the parallels.

 

My wife is incredible, and the girl that I am head over heels with has so many flaws. In fact, my wife has so many flaws, and the girl that I am head over heels with is incredible. There is no demonizing going on here.

 

That's all I have to say about a ridiculous attempt to lump all "Wayward" feelings and intentions into one solitary phenomenon. I'm kind of embarrassed I bit at this one...

 

You're right

 

And then again, there is a 50% chance that-

 

You're wrong

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

Actually, if that guy was willing to treat the "cake" right and make it feel special, I'd be relieved. Happy for the "cake" even.

 

 

It's not YOUR choice how HE treats HIS new cake.

 

REVITUP

[tiredofitall2]

You're right

 

And then again, there is a 50% chance that-

 

You're wrong

 

REVITUP

 

Only 1 to 3 out of 100 marriages that come out of an affair end up marrying and being happily ever after. 75% are guaranteed divorce withing the first couple of years.

 

Why, because the expectation is that they will be so much better than their previous marriages and they rarely are. They are based on a fantasy and the expectations are so much higher. They tend to be a disappointment.

 

They ca never live up to the high expectations.

[OneBigMess]

You're right

 

And then again, there is a 50% chance that-

 

You're wrong

 

REVITUP

 

No, I'm right. They are both awesome women but not without their flaws. That's really all there is to say.

[OneBigMess]

Only 1 to 3 out of 100 marriages that come out of an affair end up marrying and being happily ever after. 75% are guaranteed divorce withing the first couple of years.

 

Why, because the expectation is that they will be so much better than their previous marriages and they rarely are. They are based on a fantasy and the expectations are so much higher. They tend to be a disappointment.

 

They ca never live up to the high expectations.

 

65% of statistics are made up.

 

Seriously though, where are you getting your information? How comprehensive a study could ever be done on people who left their spouses for another person? Do you believe everything you read on the internet?