Are there any red flags thus far, or am I just being silly?

[lovestruck55]

I've been seeing a guy for about 5 months now, and we've both been serious about each other from the get-go. He's everything I've looked for in a guy, and I know he feels the same way about me. I know it sounds a little unrealistic, but we both genuinely feel we've found the one! I am investing a lot of emotions, and effort into this relationship - so of course I do not want to be screwed over. I'm very weary about guys because I havn't had the best of experiences, but I do NOT want my insecurities to mess up anything between this potential-spouse-material kind of guy I've found. I just want to list a few things I've observed about him thus far, and just want a third person's perspective on whether there are any red flags.

 

I'll start off with the things that make me believe he isn't fooling around:

 

-He always gives me the attention I need. Frequent texts, and calls - even when he's at work!

-If I ever have an issue, he'll go out of his way to explain things to me (he'll literally write essays via text to help me out)

-We both have decided not to have sex before marriage. In fact (I know this is very explicit but it'll give you an idea of his character) once in the heat of things I gave him a handjob, and the next day he told me he felt bad for rushing things with me, and feels like we should leave anything sexual for after marriage. (I was impressed!)

-He made my birthday very special! He spent $300 on my birthday! I know money can't buy love, but he genuinely wanted to see me happy and have a memorable time.

-Two of his best friends are aware that we're dating! They're his closest friends, and have now become my close friends as well (both females). We all get along great.

 

Now.. My paranoia..

 

-When he's with me, and someone calls whether it's male or female he turns the volume of his phone down. He's done this several times, even when it's a guy calling, and I can't seem to understand why.

-He refrains from using his phone around me unless absolutely necessary

-He does not want anyone at his workplace to know he's dating someone. One of his coworkers followed me on instagram and he told me to block her, because if she got the hint that he was dating someone, she would make a fuss about it at work and tell everyone - and he doesn't want his personal life to be discussed at work. (I found this a little fishy but agreed and blocked that chick)

-He has several good-looking female friends, (other than the two best friends I know) and he never really discusses how he knows them or anything as such - and I never bother to ask.

 

We've never really discussed boundaries in regards to the opposite sex in our relationship yet, so I really don't know what to expect and what not to. Just need a little insight! Thank you in advance.

[mikecr50]

Sounds like he's sincere but of you're wise to be careful. I think you have yellow flags! Guys don't brag about being in a relationship but wouldn't try to hide it necessarily, does he work with a bunch of older guys? Do they tease him about other things?

[mammasita]

I don't think it's weird that he doesn't take calls when you are together, that just sounds like he's being sweet and directing his attention to you.

 

I do think its strange that you haven't discussed boundaries when it comes to male-female friendships and you've been together for five months......and also strange about his work situation. I would wonder about that.

 

Just out of curiosity, are you a virgin?

[fixing]

How old are you both? Whats his job? I would be very insulted if i had a girlfriend who hid our relationship with anyone tbh. Do you mean he doesnt answer his phone when he's with you? I wouldn't like that too much either, but than again, that could be him being very respectful to you (Not wanting to talk to anyone and interrupting your time together)

I would also want to know everything about his friendship with these good looking women too.

And, NOTHING SEXUAL UNTIL MARRIAGE, is quite odd to me personally in this day and age. I would find it hard to believe he genuinely is happy to do NOTHING up until than. Maybe im too cynical though. Need more info though tbh.

 

Im naturally more cynical and paranoid though as opposed to an optimist.

 

Im male btw.

[lovestruck55]

 

Just out of curiosity, are you a virgin?

 

Yes, I am a virgin, and so is he. He's been very shy around me since the start of our relationship - so much so, that I've had to initiate the first hug, kiss etc.

 

How old are you both? Whats his job? I would be very insulted if i had a girlfriend who hid our relationship with anyone tbh. Do you mean he doesnt answer his phone when he's with you? I wouldn't like that too much either, but than again, that could be him being very respectful to you (Not wanting to talk to anyone and interrupting your time together)

 

We're both 25. He works as a manager at McDonalds - and is finishing up his university degree at the same time. Prior to dating, he used to tell me how he didn't really like sharing his private life or problems with people, unless they were super close with him. So I gave him the benefit of doubt there in regards to hiding our relationship.

 

As for the phone calls, he will pick them up but he immediately turns the volume of his phone down. Not sure what to make of this?

 

As for male-female friendship boundaries, I just don't know how and where to begin with all that! He has never objected to me talking to certain males, and as a result, I feel like I have no right to bring up his friendship with females either. It just seems like a taboo topic between us!

[mikecr50]

Do yourself a favor and talk to him about it! Let him know how you feel, its best to find out if you guys are on the same page. Make sure you're exclusive at least.

[crederer]

The only thing that sounds weird to me is him not wanting people to know about you at work. I'm always proud to talk about my girl at work and if she was trying to keep me a secret I'd be incredibly insulted.

[Sex4udear]

IF, he really loves you without reservation, with all sincerity, there would not be any secrets, or need for sex, or secretive nature in his attitude period. Love does not allow situations to hinder any relationship!

 

Do not know of your true religious background, however, a true, understanding relationship, with the God of creation, believing in God thru Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour, there cannot be a failure in a marriage properly applied.

Edited November 29, 2013 by Sex4udear

[oldshirt]

We've never really discussed boundaries in regards to the opposite sex in our relationship yet, so I really don't know what to expect and what not to. Just need a little insight! Thank you in advance.

 

You are going to have to do this at some point for the relationship to advance.

 

When it comes to meeting people, dating people and getting to know people, I am an advocate of multi-dating and keeping things at a reasonably casual level until both people feel that there are some real-world compatabilities and serious mutual feelings taking place.

 

However I also believe that it is important for a serious couple to have a frank discussion on exclusivity and to be in an exclusive relationship for a period of time before becoming engaged and progressing to marriage.

 

In other words, a couple needs to be in an exclusive dating relationship for a period of time before one proposes and the other accepts.

 

If you are thinking marriage in future for this relationship, then you need to see that he is capable of monogamy and exclusivity before you can accept a proposal in good faith.

 

It's ok if he is dating other women and it's ok for you to date other men until you have both mutually agreed upon exclusivity. However until you have reached that level of exclusivity you have no idea if he is the type who even can be exclusive or not nor does he know that about you.

 

You are going to have to have "The Talk."

 

It is during that talk that you bring up the issues about the phone volume and the secrecy of your relationship.

 

(Side bar comment: keep in mind "The Talk" is not a singular discussion but rather a period of open, serious discussion about what each of you expects and wants and is willing to give about the relationship. 'The Talk' may actually play out over several months or more)

 

It is very reasonable to have as a condition of exclusivity or other forward progress of the R, that you not be treated like some dirty secret. If you are to have a serious relationship with someone it is quite reasonable that it be open public knowledge and that that they publically acknowledge you as their SO.

[oldshirt]

 

It is very reasonable to have as a condition of exclusivity or other forward progress of the R, that you not be treated like some dirty secret. If you are to have a serious relationship with someone it is quite reasonable that it be open public knowledge and that that they publically acknowledge you as their SO.

 

And as just an FYI, people do have differing levels of privacy and comfort with people knowing about their personal life.

 

But typically if someone is actively trying to keep people from knowing about who they are dating, it is because they are either actively pursuing or dating someone else or they are at the very minimum keeping their options open for other opportunities.

 

I'll give a jr high kid a pass for being self-conscious about who he has a crush on, but for a 25 year old man to be acting like that is either an indicator he is not fully invested in the R or it means he has some serious maturity issues.

 

Legitimate "RED FLAG" either way.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

And as just an FYI, people do have differing levels of privacy and comfort with people knowing about their personal life.

 

But typically if someone is actively trying to keep people from knowing about who they are dating, it is because they are either actively pursuing or dating someone else or they are at the very minimum keeping their options open for other opportunities.

 

I'll give a jr high kid a pass for being self-conscious about who he has a crush on, but for a 25 year old man to be acting like that is either an indicator he is not fully invested in the R or it means he has some serious maturity issues.

 

Legitimate "RED FLAG" either way.

 

Or maybe it's because they work at McDonald's?

 

Not sure I'd want the burger flippers all up in my business when school gets out.

[ExpatInItaly]

The red flag I see is that fact that he keeps you a secret from co-workers. There's a difference between not really discussing your relationships with colleagues, and actively trying to pretend you don't exist (i.e. making you block his co-worker) I don't buy his excuse that he doesn't want people talking about him.

 

What would happen if you decided to meet him at work at the end of his shift or something? Would he ignore you and act like you weren't there?