Do you agree that parents having high expectations is a form of abuse?

[Maddy]

For example if children feel like failures or something's wrong with them because their parents are always finding fault and seldom complimenting them. Or if they only feel loved if they meet their parents expectations or have the same beliefs or opinions. Do you believe the phrase "we want the best for you" is actually abusive and results in negative consequences such as eating disorders, resentment or worse suicide?

[Balzac]

What you describe is not "high expectations" the qualifiers are anything but.

[Tayla]

I will isolate your question part and say...yes...its okay for a parent to want the best for their child. Is it realistic though to shelter them in the process and warp them (mold) them....Nope! they are not clay.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Do you agree that parents having high expectations is a form of abuse?

 

 

 

No, of course not, that's absurd.

 

 

Picture a family moving into a new house... and the kids' basketball hoop is placed, traditionally, above the garage door. Only in this case, the hoop is 11 feet off the ground, for practical reasons (high garage door), instead of the traditional 10 feet, and having nothing to do with abuse.

 

You're trying to suggest that those parents are guilty of abusing their child merely for raising the proverbial bar too high.

 

 

I just cited a case in which nearly everyone should trend toward the same standard, and listed why... now you're going to take various parallel cases, lacking uniform standards, and suggest that those whose standards and expectations are randomly plotted highest in relation to those of all others, are abusive????

 

 

It isn't "abuse" when you have to do the dishes.

 

It isn't "abuse" when you aren't allowed to talk on the cell phone all night.

 

It isn't "abuse" when you are forbidden from continuing your online friendship with that 47-year-old man, and you're a teenager.

 

It isn't "abuse" when you are made to get a part-time job to help pay for your college education, or upcoming vacation expenses.

 

 

When you start crying "abuse" every time your favorite outfit wasn't washed by your mother, you only serve to offend those who have serious stories of "abuses" done unto them.

[befriendlyplease]

For example if children feel like failures or something's wrong with them because their parents are always finding fault and seldom complimenting them. Or if they only feel loved if they meet their parents expectations or have the same beliefs or opinions.

 

I think that parents doing that can be very unpleasant, but that it's not abuse.

 

Do you believe the phrase "we want the best for you" is actually abusive and results in negative consequences such as eating disorders, resentment or worse suicide?

 

No, the phrase "we want the best for you" should usually mean just that. I'm sure people say it when they really mean "you should do want we think you should do." Eating disorders, resentment, and suicide are large and complicated issues.

[d0nnivain]

Having high expectations is a good thing. Telling a kid they are a failure of they get a 99 out of 100% is damahing but it's not abuse. Please don't water down true abuse by mixing it up with bad or misguided parenting.

[Tayla]

-to some of the responders....Gain empathy.

 

I respectfully disagree with the "raise the bar" synopsis....Clearly you are not a teacher or dealt with persons on their level of skills.....

 

Have realistic expectations, have goals, have limits and priveledges....yet to try to "perfect" a child is a nice way to compound neurosis....

[KathyM]

I think the term "abuse" gets thrown around a little too easily these days, and some people consider any form of scolding of a child or reprimanding a child as abuse. With that said, I do believe that there are parents who have such unrealistically high standards for children, and discipline their children for not meeting those high standards, and that could be considered emotional abuse. My son had a friend in elementary school whose parents expected him to get straight As in every subject and every quarter. If he got a B one time, he was severely punished. I would certainly call that abusive. I know a woman who expected her preschooler to sit at the table for a half hour at dinner time and stare straight ahead of him without turning his head or saying a word. I would consider that unrealistically high expectations for a preschooler, or anybody for that matter, which I would consider to be abusive. I have read of cultures where children were expected to excel academically, and if they didn't, they were subjected to incredible shame from parents to the point that the children would commit suicide because they were told they brought great shame to the family. While I do believe that unrealistically high expectations and undue pressure can be considered abusive, I do believe that term is overused these days, and normal parenting is sometimes unjustly scrutinized as being abusive.

 

I counseled a woman whose children were temporarily removed from the home for the sole reason of her getting into a shouting match with her ex who showed up unexpectedly. She was accused of subjecting her children to emotional abuse by having a heated argument with her ex in front of her children. I also know a woman who had her child taken away for using cross words with him. She is still trying to get him returned to her after many months of separation. I think people can go overboard with their definition of abuse, but I would certainly agree that there are parents whose unrealistic expectations of their children which results in harsh discipline or demeaning terms, can be considered abusive.

[todreaminblue]

I know that my father and mother wee very protective when i was growing up.......i appreciate their efforts now because i have teenagers of my own.....and if they hadnt been as strict........i might not have done what i have done today.....what i have done wrong is not on them...my drive and ambition to be the best i can be ......is on them.......could have done without the hidings.....flinching when a guy raises their hand is something i dont feel is good for me....my desire to calm down conflict and anxiety levels maybe is a good thing....mixed bag......abuse i s.....repeated bruises in my opinion....some name calling.....and i couldhave done with out that causes extreme anxiety when i was really young ...are you retarded chubbs fats domino coming from my father....well...it hurt.......but positively peopel cqan call me names......and it doesnt really hurt me anymore.....i remain stoic.......i dont think this is abuse more.....inappropriate language and behaviors and social and familial etiquette.....i think gettign to rake abtou a km of grass when he moved th elawn when i was five.......that was my job.....was too much fro a five year old...i would end up with massive blisters and most often heat stroke.................deb

Edited November 27, 2013 by todreaminblue

[todreaminblue]

How much empathy is being shown to someone who was abused by complaining about innocuous things? I think that is pretty obnoxious and selfish.

 

I once dated this fool who told me "My father yelled at me every day of my life." WAAAAAAAH! The dad was trying to discipline his spoiled son, but his mother stepped in all the time. Now that fool is in his forties with no career or education. He begs his parents for money. That is what happens when children are coddled.

 

I wish I was only yelled at. It is awful to complain about having no shoes to someone who has no feet.

 

 

i think what one person sees as innocuous however might not be the definition of what another finds innocuous.....i can cop hidings and recover faster than what i can if i have my heart or spirit broken...to break my spirit takes far more i have never had my spirit broken from a hiding....i never cried....but to break my heart ....well that only takes an innocuous rejection..deb

[Grumpybutfun]

Hi Maddy:

What you described was not high expectations, but misguided parenting. There is a huge distinction. No, as janesays says...abuse is much more insidious than hover parenting or negative re-enforcement. It isn't healthy, but it isn't considered textbook abuse either. I think it is more accepted in some cultures than others.

May I ask why, or is this just an inquiry?

Grumps

 

Janesays:

I agree with you, but couldn't like because the post is missing.

In Support,

Grumps

Edited November 27, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[Shepp]

Not abuse no.

 

It depends on the kid as well. If my folks had said to me after I'd lost a football or boxing match "doesn't matter, you did well" - I'd of hated that - because clearly it does matter and there's another guy who did better and there's no excuses for that.

I'm naturally competitive - and I wanted there support in that! I set a high bar for myself and for them to under cut mine with a lower bar would of crushed me!

It's just a matter of a kid by kid or person by person basis!

[Outsider77]

I think depending on the situation it could be emotional abuse, which can be very damaging. If a parent is never happy with anything a child has done, never compliments the child, tries to make the child feel "not good enough", puts the child down all the time, etc, I would call that abuse.

 

A child needs to feel loved and to feel valued. A child who is constantly told he/she is not good enough and is never made to feel loved is probably going to have problems later on in life.

 

There is nothing wrong with having high expectations of one's children, as long as they are being treated right otherwise.

[Tayla]

How much empathy is being shown to someone who was abused by complaining about innocuous things? I think that is pretty obnoxious and selfish.

 

I once dated this fool who told me "My father yelled at me every day of my life." WAAAAAAAH! The dad was trying to discipline his spoiled son, but his mother stepped in all the time. Now that fool is in his forties with no career or education. He begs his parents for money. That is what happens when children are coddled.

 

I wish I was only yelled at. It is awful to complain about having no shoes to someone who has no feet.

 

Compassion is not comparison. Belittling and dismissing seems counter productiveI'm deeply sorry to hear of your childhood life....must of left a mark that lingers...

Edited November 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ASG]

It can be emotional abuse, yes. Not the usual "you need to study and get good grades" thing, but the, like someone mentioned, being punished by getting a B one time. That *is* abusive.

 

But sometimes parents are only trying to do what's best and are simply misguided, and some people will cry "abuse" when it's really not...

My dad was a bit misguided. When I was a kid, he thought it was hilarious to make fun of everything I did and mock me relentlessly. As a result I developed self esteem and confidence issues and never pursues music or dancing because he made me believe I was terrible at it.

He didn't mean it. I'm sure he thought he was just being funny, but my feelings were constantly hurt and I never heard a word of encouragement.

I don't consider it abuse though. Just misguided parenting..

[damien201]

I think it's just terrible parenting.

 

My dad was hardly present throughout my entire childhood, and I still barely know him.

 

What little time he did spend with me was mostly critical, dismissive, and discouraging as nothing I ever did was impressive enough. He told me it was to teach discipline, to help me learn, to keep me humble.

 

What I learned more than anything is that I don't want to end up a bitter old man with children who resent me.

[johan]

I suppose one person's "high expectations" is another person's abuse.

 

When my dad demanded that I do certain things it wasn't in my nature to do, he was essentially telling me he wished I was another person. It was a form of rejection. He would have been happier if I had been instantly replaced by another kid with another nature. If rejection is abuse, then yes those high expectations were abusive.

 

When he demanded that I try hard and make sure that I gave all I had to certain activities, he wasn't rejecting me, he was teaching me and helping me to develop. He wanted the best for me, and those were lessons that I never forgot. Even if it was painful, it wasn't abuse.

 

It's a fine line and requires parents with clear personal boundaries and who really understand who their child is.