NC Poll - How long until you were satisfied?

[iceisles]

Hey folks - just tossing an informal poll out there. How long did you rigorously stick to NC before you were satisfied that it had worked for you? By "satisfied", this can mean either completely moving on (without any recurrent depressing thoughts, etc), or it could mean that your ex finally contacted you. I'd have to say it took me about two months before I realized the full effects of NC.

[NiCoLe20]

i have a ? also regarding NC-

 

if you are the dumper...once NC takes place- whose suppose to contact who first?

or if you get dumped- are u suppose to talk to them first or are they suppose to come back to you?

[iceisles]

It has always been my understanding that NC is typically engaged by the dumpee, not the dumper. Its main purpose is to help the dumpee heal and move on. Sometimes the ex will initiate contact down the road to reconcile, but NC is not really about trying to get anyone back. Here is a very helpful thread where you can read about it.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t41853/?highlight=lost+guide

[_Saffy_]

if you are the dumper and you start NC, why would you want to contact the dumpee??

 

if you are the dumpee, you use NC for two reasons:

 

 

(in no particular order)

 

 

a) to give the dumper enough space to realise that they made a mistake, that they miss you and to make contact with you in order to reconcile

 

 

B) to give the dumpee enough time and space to gather their thoughts and feelings, and to reach a stage in their lives where they can move on, without the pressure of contact from the dumpee.

 

 

 

 

either way, under no circumstances does the dumpee contact the dumper.

 

 

 

 

(yay, am sounding like a NC expert already )

[NiCoLe20]

k thanks...the reason i ask this is b/c i plan on breaking up with my b/f.... too much is going on w/ him that i dont like and he has changedinto this different person....

 

hes moving back home this weekend w/ his parents and thats when i believe he will change back to the caring guy i met b4 all this happend...

 

i dont know if i should stick it out until he moves or do it later today lol... but the thing is if i do dump him, i would want him to eventually contact me saying he's changed and wants another chance...by me dumping him it should make him realize that he mustve done something wrong for me to do this and want to change... i guess it all boils down to this... if he really wanted to work things out he'd change and come back to me right? even if i dumped him? i dk if that makes sense...i would want him to contact me 1st though

[alphamale]

i believe it has already been ascertained on numerous NC threads (of which there are MANY) that it does take minimum of 2-3 months.

 

Why are peoople so obsessed with NC here?

[_Saffy_]

WHOA!!

 

you cant dump someone and hope they change and come back to you, thats just totally unfair, and messing with peoples feelings unnecessarily.

 

what you need to do is sit down and talk about what you think has changed, and how it used to be.

 

but remember that people do change, relationships change, and you have to make some acceptances sometimes in order to make it work.

 

if you are dumping him, it should be because you feel that the relationship is really OVER, and that there is no going back to how it used to be.

 

messing with peoples feelings is NOT a game, and should not be used that way, i suspect this will seriously backfire if you go ahead with it.

[_Saffy_]

Why are peoople so obsessed with NC here?

 

 

 

maybe because it offers some kinda self help situation when people are down and cant really see much further than their noses?

 

i dont know, guess its like AA meetings, you know that only you can get you through the break up, you know how to get through it, but sometimes you just need to stand up and say "hi, i have just been dumped and i'm going through a period of NO CONTACT, until i can get through this"

 

 

people need to feel that they are doing something worthwhile to cope, and its a lot easier when that something has a name??

[alphamale]

Originally posted by _Saffy_

maybe because it offers some kinda self help situation when people are down and cant really see much further than their noses?

 

i dont know, guess its like AA meetings,

 

 

yes i understand and agree SAFFY. But I was a member of two other forums before I came to LS and yes NC did come up once in a while on those. but not like 10 new NC post every frickkin' day here.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by alphamale

i believe it has already been ascertained on numerous NC threads (of which there are MANY) that it does take minimum of 2-3 months.

 

Why are peoople so obsessed with NC here?

 

Because it's effective, and because folks frequently ask how long it can take before it works for them. There may be many NC threads on here, but outside of sites like this, NC is a very foreign (or unknown) way to deal with a breakup. I think it's important that dumpees at least consider this method when trying to cope with their loss.

[_Saffy_]

Originally posted by alphamale

yes i understand and agree SAFFY. But I was a member of two other forums before I came to LS and yes NC did come up once in a while on those. but not like 10 new NC post every frickkin' day here.

 

 

 

lol Alpha, well im no expert, i only been here a couple of days, but if it works in making people feel better, who cares?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by iceisles

There may be many NC threads on here, but outside of sites like this, NC is a very foreign (or unknown) way to deal with a breakup.

 

I've been an advocate and user of NC for over 15 yrs. I does work superbly whether you are dumpee or dumper.

 

I got divorced in '97 (my choice) and have maintained NC with her for over 7 yrs. Actually, there is no reason to contact her at all, we had no kids.

 

I also have about 7 or 8 ex- g/f that I am still in NC with.

 

I love NC.

[Pocky]

I've been an advocate and user of NC for over 15 yrs. I does work superbly whether you are dumpee or dumper.

 

I got divorced in '97 (my choice) and have maintained NC with her for over 7 yrs. Actually, there is no reason to contact her at all, we had no kids.

 

I also have about 7 or 8 ex- g/f that I am still in NC with.

 

I love NC.

 

Yeah, but that's completely different from what other people are doing. Your NC makes perfect sense and is the next logical step after ending a relationship with someone. Few people decide to continue a friendship, so generally speaking, setting up NC and exiting the life of the other person is the only way for both parties to move on.

 

However, many times people opting for the NC rule are doing this as a way to dupe their recent ex into wanting them back again. Personally, I dislike this method of instigating a need in the other party. The reasons for the person coming back to the relationship seem negative and unhealthy to me. Why anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone that they had to dupe into returning is beyond me.

[KaiaMahina]

I'm a little puzzled too, by the concept of NC.

 

For me, it's not a concept or a strategy. It's the natural result of someone saying to me, "Goodbye" and hanging up on me. Why on god's green earth (or any other planet, planetoid, meteor, star or cosmic ball of stuff) would I call someone who had done such a thing?

 

He wanted me out of his life. I'm out.

 

Not contacting him is not a ploy to make him return. Or to make him "sorry". Or to give him time to discover that he misses me. Not contacting him is just common sense.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by KaiaMahina

I'm a little puzzled too, by the concept of NC.

 

For me, it's not a concept or a strategy. It's the natural result of someone saying to me, "Goodbye" and hanging up on me. Why on god's green earth (or any other planet, planetoid, meteor, star or cosmic ball of stuff) would I call someone who had done such a thing?

 

He wanted me out of his life. I'm out.

 

Not contacting him is not a ploy to make him return. Or to make him "sorry". Or to give him time to discover that he misses me. Not contacting him is just common sense.

 

That's a great way to look at it. I do admit I'd like to have NC make her miss me, though. I want her to buy into that "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" cliche`. It's funny, really, because it's probably better that we aren't together, and I really don't want her back, but I do want her to feel some remorse for something that was very hurtful to me. Am I being mean wishing for such revenge?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by iceisles

and I really don't want her back, but I do want her to feel some remorse for something that was very hurtful to me. Am I being mean wishing for such revenge?

 

 

No

[Gottabestrong]

Hi,

 

I have been wondering about that too many times... How long did it take for NC to satisfy you. Either they come back or you move on.

 

I think people are so 'fascinated' with the concept of NC because they feel so powerless when broken up with and the whole idea of 'doing' NC, gives them the impression that they get some control back. At least that's what it is for me.

 

Dear Kaia, I have read many of your posts and agree with everyone that you are a very special and strong person. Many people dont have the selfcontrol to stop contacting their ex. They seem to not care about their pride or selfrespect but only react to what their emotions tell them to do that very moment.

 

I have been guilty of that too in the past. I think we dont want to believe/accept that we dont have any influence on the other person's decision to break up with us, and we believe that if we only tell them how we really feel and think, they will change their minds and come back to us.

 

The whole concept of NC that I found on this board has helped me cope with the last 3 months since my breakup. I am only applying it halfway, which means that I dont initiate but accept contact, but the thought that NC might make him miss me and want to get back together helps me through the stretches of weeks that I dont hear from him.

 

So if anyone has any stories to share about how long it took them to heal after a breakup, please let us know.

[XNemesisX]

If you REALLY want the person back NC won't work. At least not 100% NC.

 

If you got broken up with because of something you did wrong, you should contact them and you SHOULD try and make things better because it is over something YOU did wrong.

 

If you got broken up with for no apparent reason and no relationship altering event took place that you were responsible for then just let it go and do NC not to get the person back but to do as they wish and get out of their life.

 

I think it all depends on the situation and the relationship. If you were in the wrong (or mostly in the wrong) at the time of the breakup then doing NC will make them think you really don't give a damn. Do NC too much and get rejected over and over and then yeah....please stop. If you don't they may start thinking of you as a stalker. NC should be different for different situations. Just follow your gut on what you think is the right way to go about things or ask a third party who can give you objective advice from someone outside of all the emotions (like LS!)