How Do I Tell A Girl About My Past?

[Under The Radar]

Hello Everyone,

 

I was involved with a married woman 23 years older than me when I was younger. The affair ended after 8 years and I began dating a woman close in age to me. I told her about my past relationship with a married woman after ten months. I waited that long to disclose my past because I feared being judged and did not want her to break up with me.

 

Ultimately, we broke up and I was horribly depressed over it for several months. Many people on LS helped me through that painful time and whether I should share my past with women moving forward.

 

That thread (under my previous username of Training Revelations) can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/291291-does-my-past-matter-1.html

 

Now, approaching 40 years of age, I am starting to become interested in dating again. I am not 100% healed, but I'm close and I'm at peace with my past. I know I would want to share this information with someone who I might end up becoming exclusive with in a LTR.

 

My question is WHEN should I tell them about my past and HOW? I think for me the HOW would be more difficult. Any thoughts, advise, or suggestions would be deeply appreciated.

[Daisy2013]

I don't know that I would share that. It serves no purpose. My past is my past and if I don't have anything because of it, what's the point? Now, if you had an STD, of course that would need to be shared of the R progresses to that point. Maybe others will disagree with me, but that's how I feel.

[Realist3]

I don't know that I would share that. It serves no purpose. My past is my past and if I don't have anything because of it, what's the point? Now, if you had an STD, of course that would need to be shared of the R progresses to that point. Maybe others will disagree with me, but that's how I feel.

 

 

I agree with this 100%. What exactly is the point? I don't think you will find too many people who will be accepting of someone who had an affair with a MW for 8 years.

[RickFox]

at 40 years of age, it's nobody's business now but yours.

[Under The Radar]

Daisy 2013,

 

I would want my future partner to know about me and where I came from. I am not 25 anymore, but soon to be 40. I am not even close to the same man I was back then ...... and I considered myself loyal and kind hearted then. However, I was much less mature and experienced than I am now.

 

Isn't honesty and communication the foundation of any meaningful relationship? What would I tell her if we were watching a movie and infidelity occurred as part of the plot and she sighs in disgust or asks me would I ever do that?

[Under The Radar]

I agree with this 100%. What exactly is the point? I don't think you will find too many people who will be accepting of someone who had an affair with a MW for 8 years.

 

Realist3,

 

Thanks for your reply - The point for me would be that I am accepted for who I am and the choices I have made in the past ...... warts and all. I want the woman to know all about me and where I have come from. I would want to know about them too.

[Under The Radar]

at 40 years of age, it's nobody's business now but yours.

 

Hi Rick, thanks for your comment. I remember following your thread a couple years back with interest. I hope you are doing well .

 

I respect your comment and many of my friends share your opinion on this matter. However, I cannot hide this moving forward. I'm at peace with my past, but I need help figuring out the most tactful and appropriate way to disclose in the future. The day will come where I'll meet a lovely girl who wishes to date me and we are past the first few meet ups.

 

Any advise on how to share my past?

[hopewild]

I'm incredibly open and honest with people when I am close to them. For me, I think I would have to include my sordid story to consider a serious relationship with someone....so I understand why you want to disclose.

 

I wouldn't put too much thought into HOW or WHEN you disclose the information. The ex relationship topic is one that usually just pops up in conversation with someone you are interested in. I know that I will even ASK a guy about his previous relationship(s) if he doesn't bring them up. Just fit it into normal conversation accordingly. Be sincere and don't dwell on it either. When a guy goes on and on about his ex I have no problem at all listening to him but in my mind I have pretty much decided that he is not over her and more often than not I will write him off romantically.

 

Try not to over think it!!!

[Under The Radar]

Hi Hopewild,

 

Thanks for posting and reminding me to "relax" and not be too analytical .

 

I suppose I have in my head that most women would find my past unacceptable and I'd be quickly judged (although silently) followed by the "fade out" as usually defined in the dating world. That's fine, but I feel like I have to mentally prepare myself for that scenario now so I'm prepared when the time comes.

 

Like you, I feel that honesty is the best policy and even if I'm "dumped" I cannot hide my past for fear of abandonment.

[whichwayisup]

Daisy 2013,

 

I would want my future partner to know about me and where I came from. I am not 25 anymore, but soon to be 40. I am not even close to the same man I was back then ...... and I considered myself loyal and kind hearted then. However, I was much less mature and experienced than I am now.

 

Isn't honesty and communication the foundation of any meaningful relationship? What would I tell her if we were watching a movie and infidelity occurred as part of the plot and she sighs in disgust or asks me would I ever do that?

 

It happen so long ago, you can downplay it and also say you were young, stupid and horny. Let your actions now count, not what happened in the past. Make sure you stress that you're not that type of person who does stuff like that anymore and it was a bad choice you made.

 

There's no point in going into tons of details about your past. If this exMW was still in and out of your life, then yes you'd have talk about it, but the exMW isn't anymore and it's far into the past.

[MissBee]

Hello Everyone,

 

I was involved with a married woman 23 years older than me when I was http://www.youtube.com/younger. The affair ended after 8 years and I began dating a woman close in age to me. I told her about my past relationship with a married woman after ten months. I waited that long to disclose my past because I feared being judged and did not want her to break up with me.

 

Ultimately, we broke up and I was horribly depressed over it for several months. Many people on LS helped me through that painful time and whether I should share my past with women moving forward.

 

That thread (under my previous username of Training Revelations) can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/291291-does-my-past-matter-1.html

 

Now, approaching 40 years of age, I am starting to become interested in dating again. I am not 100% healed, but I'm close and I'm at peace with my past. I know I would want to share this information with someone who I might end up becoming exclusive with in a LTR.

 

My question is WHEN should I tell them about my past and HOW? I think for me the HOW would be more difficult. Any thoughts, advise, or suggestions would be deeply appreciated.

 

Hi UTR,

 

For me personally this hasn't ever really posed a problem. It would come up organically as we spoke about our past relationships and I'd mention that I was involved with a taken guy before. I think the main thing has been that the guy can tell that this was clearly my past and how I speak about it is completely in retrospect and I also speak about it in terms of understanding the cons of it and it's not like I sound like I revel in it or am a career OW or someone who thinks nothing is wrong with As. So truthfully, I NEVER worry about telling a man about this and it has yet to be a big deal. It literally comes up once and that's that. Although I do have to say that he was also unmarried, so I realize that may make a difference in how it is viewed. As most people see marriage more seriously and maybe their response would be a little different if he was married, although I still don't think it would be a huge deal, as it is clear I have moved on from that. It also helps that it wasn't my last relationship, so also, if it wasn't your most recent relationship it is even more removed.

 

But point is: I don't think you need to make it into a huge deal. Let it come up organically. You guys will talk about your past relationships and you can bring it up as something you did when you were younger and you're over it and wouldn't do that again, and I think most women would understand. If she doesn't....oh well...she's not for you, as simple as that.

Edited November 25, 2013 by MissBee

[hopewild]

Hi Hopewild,

 

Thanks for posting and reminding me to "relax" and not be too analytical .

 

I suppose I have in my head that most women would find my past unacceptable and I'd be quickly judged (although silently) followed by the "fade out" as usually defined in the dating world. That's fine, but I feel like I have to mentally prepare myself for that scenario now so I'm prepared when the time comes.

 

Like you, I feel that honesty is the best policy and even if I'm "dumped" I cannot hide my past for fear of abandonment.

 

No problem at all. Definitely relax!!

 

The fact is.......your past exists and it is what it is. It isn't changing or going anywhere. So, if you feel that you must share it with someone then that person is going to have to be accepting of it. If it runs them off early on consider it a blessing in disguise. You need someone who accepts you for ALL that you are.

 

As long as you don't sit there and ramble on and on about it or portray yourself as "damaged goods" because of it you should be able to find that person who listens and asks a few questions about it and then is ready to MOVE ON. From there they can get to know you for the awesome person that you are.

[Under The Radar]

Hey Whichwayisup,

 

You are right in that it was a long time ago and I am not the same person I was then. The ironic part is that I'm a loyal person and that is a large part of why it took me 8 years to get out of the relationship with the MW. I learned a lot from that experience and, like you mentioned, I would not engage in that type of scenario again.

[Under The Radar]

MissBee,

 

Thanks for your response and advice on this VERY important thread .

 

All joking aside, your thoughts pretty much mirror my own on the matter. I don't want to make my past into a big deal, but I do want to be honest about it. I agree that it should come about organically as you described.

 

Platonically Yours

 

Under.The.Radar

[Under The Radar]

Thanks Hopewild - I appreciate the advice (which I completely agree with). My best friend always tells me "Nobody can ever fault you for being honest". If I'm shunned for sharing my life with someone, then it IS a "blessing in disguise"; I'll save a lot of time and potential heartache by walking away.

Edited November 25, 2013 by Training Revelations

[RickFox]

I'm doing well thank you. just be open and honest about your past with someone you truly care about. If they can't accept it, they aren't for you

Edited November 25, 2013 by RickFox

[GypsumSatellite]

I've long considered what I might tell a future partner of mine about the length of time I've spent with my MM. My mother gave me advice on something else regarding relationships one time and she said "You never have to be an open book to your significant other. You may want to be, but there is no rule that says you have to spill everything good or bad in your past."

 

My parents have a marriage that has stood the test of time and both my mom and dad said they've never told each other everything about their past. Their present and future, that's where the openness is. I'm inclined to believe there are some things I don't need to tell a future partner. Whatever I'm currently involved in doesn't mean I'll perpetuate it ad inifinitum.

 

If you need the feeling of openness with a future partner, do categorize it as a time in your life where you were figuring it all out. Doing things you might not normally do and that you no longer practice or feel is right. If whomever you're dating or marrying cannot accept that, it IS a service to both of you. It means no regrets and no bitterness down the road.

 

I wish you good luck as you traverse the dating field. There is no doubt you will find someone who can appreciate what you bring to them, and you will appreciate what they bring to you.

[MissBee]

Thanks Hopewild - I appreciate the advice (which I completely agree with). My best friend always tells me "Nobody can ever fault you for being honest". If I'm shunned for sharing my life with someone, then it IS a "blessing in disguise"; I'll save a lot of time and potential heartache by walking away.

 

That's how I see it.

 

My romantic partner, esp if I am attempting to have a serious relationship, should be like my bestfriend: someone I can tell ANYTHING to without fear that they won't be with me. I want someone who knows the good, bad and ugly and still chooses me. I don't want someone with whom I have to create a self that is pretend-perfect so I downplay and hide parts or straight out lie to "keep" them. That's not an authentic relationship.

 

I would rather tell you who I am and what I have done and you decide to be with me, or not, based on full knowledge. Likewise, I want a man who is honest with me about who he is and his past and gives me the choice to love him in totality or to decide it's not for me. It feels sooo much better when you're with someone with whom you KNOW knows everything about you and that no one else can surprise them with some "secret" from your past and without worrying that one day they will find out and think differently about you.

Edited November 25, 2013 by MissBee

[wanting more]

I understand wanting to know how to tell in the future

 

But another thing to consider. I'm a couple years older than you and newly single. Although I have no need or desire to date right now, obviously I will one day. Assuming I dont become a cougar (which doesnt actually sound so bad) I will meet someone around my age. Unless they were a recluse (which in of itself would be an issue) I know this person will have a past. A past wife, past girlfriends. A past. Unless one of these exes is a stalker and would show up at my door one day, I don't need to know his past (and I'm talking sexual history, relationships, not criminal past).

 

If I were asked by some one I was dating straight out about having cheated before, I would be honest. But I wouldn't just offer up my past. And I won't ask him About his.

[curiousGeorge2]

I had an EA with a mw for three years before she introduced me to a woman who became my wife. I have never discussed the EA with anyone, though w somewhat suspected there was something between us. When she asked about it, I always deflected to avoid the topic, even though it had a big impact on me.

 

My advice: bury the affair in the past, even though it is very tempting to discuss it with someone.

[Under The Radar]

Rick,

 

Thanks for giving your input and I'm happy you are doing well.

[d0nnivain]

When should you tell a new partner every detail about a past relationship? NEVER.

 

At 40, nobody assumes you don't have a past. If they do they are stupid.

 

If an organic conversation comes up about past relationships, it's OK to talk about them in general but the nitty gritty will only hurt your present relationship. If asked a point blank question, answer honestly. However, most people over share. It's a problem. You are allowed to have some mystery in your life even if your spouse/SO/life partner is your BFF, keep some things -- especially those that could hurt your partner -- quiet.

[janedoe67]

I think there is a balance between completely burying it and giving them a play by paly. One of these days you and whoever you begin to dat will probably talk about old boyfriends/girlfriends. Then is the time to say, "my biggest regret is that when I was very young I allowed myself to get caught up in a relationship with someone who was married. If I could go back and change something, that would be it. It was so wrong." Then you both continue talking. If she presses for details, just tell her it was a shameful and regretful time in your life that you have made sure never to repeat and that you would rather not relive it. This way you have told her, but it has been framed as a horrible choice that you have learned from and never repeated.

 

Honestly, my respect for someone is not based on the idea that they have never failed or the self-righteous they display over someone else's failings. To me, their true character is revealed in what they have done when they HAVE failed.

[Under The Radar]

Hello GypsumSatellite,

 

I agree with much of your post and have dwelled on this subject quite deeply over the past several years. Although I don't fault others for their past, or their desire to remain quiet about it, I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone who doesn't know mine.

 

I'm a sensitive and thoughtful person that would desire complete openness with a woman I'm in love with. If I chose to hide my past (which I no doubt could) then the person wouldn't truly want to be with me for who I actually am: a good person who has made mistakes in life ...... NOT "Prince Charming" as we read in fairy tales.

 

It's funny because I read these threads that go something like "Do I have a right to know how many sexual partners my boyfriend/girlfriend has had". Of course, almost on queue, a plethora of individuals chimes in with conflicting viewpoints on the matter. Usually those threads go down in flames and many people present their opinions as facts.

 

Both on LS and IRL many will speak of withholding such information as a "character defect" and a sign of someone who is damaged goods (especially if one has had many sexual partners). It's funny because before I was involved with a MW, many years ago, I thought in those black and white terms quite often. I was much more likely to judge others ...... that is until I found myself in such an unexpected and complicated situation.

 

My thoughts and overall philosophies on the subject have changed quite a lot over the years. I've matured and grown so much since my relationship with a MW. Though I don't condone cheating or affairs I can see how it happens and I try not to judge (despite the natural inclination for many to do so).

 

Anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[Under The Radar]

Hi Wanting More,

 

I wish most people thought the way you do on the subject, but my gut tells me that's probably not the case. I will definitely have to chance, in the future, to find out for myself. I think I'll know when and if the time is right.

 

When you decide to start dating again I wish you well in finding that special person. Couger or not I'm sure the man you choose will be a very lucky guy. Thanks again for your post