? about marriage and children, where should i post?

[jade_nc]

my marraige has been rocky for sometime and i just found out that i'm expecting again - where should i post to get some advice? parenting forum or here?

[Pocky]

Just post it here since you've already started a thread.

[jade_nc]

ok then.

my husband and i decided we would not have more children after our 2 yr old was born. we have three. he was supposed to have a vasectomy but kept putting it off. Two months ago, i decided i wasn't playing russian roulette anymore and scheduled a tubal ligation. it's a dangerous surgery for my because of my medical history. he finally bit the bullet and scheduled the vasectomy for next week.

although, it's a bit late. i had a positive home test several days ago.

 

early in our relationship i got pregnant. we both decided having the baby wasn't the right thing to do. i was separated, but not divorced yet, so i terminated the pregnancy. i have never been able to forgive myself for it.

 

my husband doesn't want this baby, and has all but asked me to terminate the pregnancy. we also suffered a miscarriage before our son was born and he actually made a reference to me about maybe that would happen again.

 

i feel like keeping the baby with further jeapordize our marriage, but terminating the pregnancy will only make me resent my husband.

[Mira221]

I'm not trying to sound harsh here, but ummm why didn't you all try to prevent the pregnancy then? There are ways of doing that. Also why is that your husband doesn't want this baby? Is it because you all are having problems? If he doesn't want to work things out, don't terminate the pregnancy just because he doesn't want it. I'm sure it would be tough but its your body you do what you feel is best for you. Don't throw away an innocent life just because he's a weenie and doesn't want another for what ever reason. If he wants to work on the marriage then he neds to grow and face his responsibilties. If he doesn't, cut him loose.

[Pocky]

First of all, while you two are debating about who is going to get the surgery (and I've had a TL and I have compromised health and surgery was fine) you should use condoms or birth control. Why you allowed yourself to get pregnant, knowing it would cause a problem in your marriage is something you need to figure out. It has happened twice with this man - the first time an accident, the second time is negligence.

 

Unfortunately, by getting pregnant again you have placed a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. You have to consider your marriage and the vows you made to your husband. You have to consider your children and the responsibility you have to provide them a safe and loving home where they are well cared for. You have to consider the life that you may or may not be terminating and you have to consider your own well-being and happiness. I'd have to say the first step at this point is to determine whether or not you want to stay married to your husband. Do you?

[jade_nc]

forget i asked. you are obviously more concerned with slamming my sexual practices (which, may i add, you know nothing about) than offering any constructive advice.

 

i passed a blood clot through my lung and almost died, i cannot take birth control. we DO use condoms.

 

obviously i love my husband or i wouldn't be feeling so torn about the situation.

[whichwayisup]

Jade, ignore Pocky on this one okay. Just keep on posting.

 

Just continue talking to him and tell him how important this baby is to you. I understand how difficult it is either way.

 

I wish you the best though and I do hope he comes around. This baby is a gift and I hope he sees that soon.

[_Saffy_]

i agree with whichwayisup jade, you didnt come here to be slammed you came for advice and a bit of compassionate understanding, maybe its hard for some people to give this.

 

 

it always takes two to make a baby, which ever way you look at it, and having sex with anyone under any circumstances carries a risk.

 

i also hope that your husband comes around after discussing this.

 

keep posting and let us know how it goes.

[The_Analyzer]

I have to agree with pocky on this. I don't think shes slamming anybody, its common sense basically. If you or your husband didn't want any more kids then the correct thing to do would be to try to prevent it. Jade, no ones slamming you here, and if you feel that they are, sorry, but you did ask for advice and believe me you will get all kinds.

[Pocky]

forget i asked. you are obviously more concerned with slamming my sexual practices (which, may i add, you know nothing about) than offering any constructive advice.

 

First of all, having two abortions in my opinion is unacceptable. While you may dislike that some people may find your inability to keep from getting pregnant when you may not be able to keep the baby not a problem, I do. Unfortunately, you asked for advice, you get all advice. Every little bit and you'll just have to take what you want and leave the other. Don't like my opinion? That's certainly acceptable. Don't listen to it, but everyone has to take responsibility for their actions. There are other ways of stopping pregnancy - IUD. Abortion isn't birth control and I'm even pro-choice!

 

i passed a blood clot through my lung and almost died, i cannot take birth control. we DO use condoms.

 

Well if a condom didn't work once then maybe find another solution. Your being pregnant is an issue, therefore your sexual practices is an issue. They are connected regardless of whether or not you realize this. Have an abortion again and what happens the next time you get pregnant? Another abortion?

 

obviously i love my husband or i wouldn't be feeling so torn about the situation.

 

I didn't ask if you loved your husband. I asked if you wanted to stay married to him. If you were considering separation it would have an impact on the decision you make regarding the child you're now carrying. You didn't specify in your post whether or not you wanted to make the relationship work. You only stated you were married and that your husband didn't you to have the child.

 

And I give plenty of compassion but compassion doesn't override common sense and responsibility. There is nothing wrong me expecting an adult that has found themselves in a situation caused by their own actions to take responsibility for those actions. No one is at the mercy of life and everything we do we have to answer for.

 

I apologize if you feel I slammed you - my comment wasn't a slam at all. It was recognition that you have now found yourself facing the same decision that you have already faced and it's time you take responsibility for that and stop the cycle. Until you find a way to protect yourself this will continue to happen and you will continue to find yourself suffering with this question - lose your marriage or end your child's life. While my pointing that out to you may seem harsh and uncaring it's not because maybe you'll realize what you need to do and you won't be forced to suffer again.

[jade_nc]

Originally posted by The_Analyzer

I have to agree with pocky on this. I don't think shes slamming anybody, its common sense basically. If you or your husband didn't want any more kids then the correct thing to do would be to try to prevent it. Jade, no ones slamming you here, and if you feel that they are, sorry, but you did ask for advice and believe me you will get all kinds.

 

we did, but apparently that fact doesn't matter. i asked for advice on how to deal with the problems this is posing for my marriage - not on how to avoid getting pregnant. i've been to enough dr's about that aspect, my options are condoms, a tubal ligation or to be with a sterile partner.

[jade_nc]

Unfortunately, you asked for advice, you get all advice.

 

about dealing with my husband, not how to avoid pregnancy. imagine that! we agree, i don't think abortion is an option either. so does that mean i have to leave him and try to raise 4 children alone?

 

i felt that you were slamming me because you just assumed i was being neglegent and irresponsible. i can't tell you how many dr's i've been too. one of my pregnancies was the result of on IUD. i don't have any other options and if we weren't trying to prevent it, we wouldn't have used a condom or scheduled the surgery.

[The_Analyzer]

I apologize to you then for jumping the gun and making an assupmtion on the choice of birth control. However, does you husband not want this child because you have enough already or is there more deeper problems going on as to why he doesn't want it? Reguardless of the advice you get here as to what you should do about having this child, that has to be your call. You have to do what best fits your situation and family. Good luck.

[Mira221]

I am very sorry you're going through this, but, had you made it clear in your first post about the whole birth control issue and what you had or hadn't tried you might could have avoided people (myself included) making an assumption to quickly. I know thats not what your post was about but you see thats where it started, as far as you not making it clear. Anyway, something that stuck out in my mind when I read your first post was this...

 

"my husband doesn't want this baby, and has all but asked me to termainate the pregnancy. We also suffered a miscarriage before our son was born and he actually made a reference to me about maybe that would happen again."

 

That is terrible! It is cruel for your husband to say!! You got alot of issues to work out hun and one of them might be about this baby, but another one is wheather to stay with that kinda crap! Either get into some marriage counseling asap if you and he want to work on your marriage, or move on. Sure it would be hard with 3-4 kids but people have done it before and maybe you could get some help from friends and family. Also tell him if he doesn't want anymore kids then go get his self clipped or you'll cut him off from sex period. Look at all you've been through while all he does is sit around and supplies sperm, but gee doesn't want any more kids. OMG!

[jade_nc]

thanks everyone.

 

sorry i got so upset pocky - i'm just beside myself.

 

my husband says that he's worried about the financial aspect, we are already struggling. i suggested adoption and he flipped out. he also said he's worried about my health, as my last pregnancy was very difficult for me.

 

i think there's more to it than those things.

 

i asked if this was a deal breaker, since i agreed to no more children but am now not willing to terminate this pregnancy. he said it wasn't, and then pointed out every negative thing that this child will bring to our current family....not enough bedrooms, have to get a mini van and we don't have the money, things that need to be repaired in our home won't be fixed, etc.

 

i don't want to make my husband miserable for the rest of his life....i don't want him to resent me or the baby.

[Pocky]

sorry i got so upset pocky - i'm just beside myself.

 

It's not a problem. When providing advice, my intentions are never to cause anger or hurt someone - if my response instigates that feeling I'll try to clarify my intentions. Most of us are defensive when we feel vulnerable and while I wish we could all receive advice with the assumption that it's only constructive, it's awfully hard to do that because some people do wish to cause others pain.

 

my husband says that he's worried about the financial aspect, we are already struggling. i suggested adoption and he flipped out. he also said he's worried about my health, as my last pregnancy was very difficult for me.

 

I'm a little confused - why is adoption out of the question? Is it primarily because of your health or is he just against the idea of someone else raising his child?

 

i don't want to make my husband miserable for the rest of his life....i don't want him to resent me or the baby.

 

Please make no assumptions why I ask this, but just answer from your perception. How does your husband feel about being a father to his current children? Does he invest a lot of time to parenting or does he feel his main responsibility is to provide for the family?

[Ladyjane14]

Don't do anything that will breed resentment. Don't take an action that will cause bitter feelings.

 

The action of conception is already done. Deal with the fall-out from that action without complicating it or exacerbating it by additional actions. If you know in advance that an action will cause resentment, don't do it.

 

In other words, have your baby and tell hubby to grow up (in the nicest possible way of course ). He had his chance to get a vasectomy and he wasted his opportunity.

 

If he's resentful, let him work it out for himself. You can't control other people's feelings.....just your own.

[jade_nc]

this thread has been very enlightening for me, and i appreciate all of your responses.

 

mostly i've learned how incredibly poor i am at communicating....i'm even worse at it with my husband.

 

he's a good father, very much involved in the kids lives. he takes our 7yr old to scouts every week and to karate twice a week, helps our 9 yr old with guitar lessons, and loves to play with our toddler.

 

we had a very long calm discussion last night. he's afraid that he won't be able to devote enough time to another child, feels that he's failing at supporting our current family financially, doesn't think it's fair for a child to grow up not knowing thier real parents and siblings.

 

he also explained why he made the comment about possibly miscarrying again. he said that because he knew how devasted i was about losing the baby and was trying to keep me realistic about the possibility of it happening again.

 

we both agreed that our marriage is the first priority, and since i am not willing to terminate another pregnancy, and he can't live with knowing someone else is raising our child, we are going to keep the baby.