Bf says he's in love, but doesn't ask me about myself?!

[Looking4One]

I have been dating a guy about three months now. He is 26, I am 24. He seems to genuinely care about me and has already told me he loves me and is beginning to talk about a future together.

 

The big problem is, he really doesn't ask me questions or seem to care about getting to know me. I had a couple boyfriends in college who were self-centered and swore I would never date another person like that. But here's the thing—the college bf's didn't seem interested in talking with me or taking me out or having me hang out with their friends and families, so those are the signs I learned to look out for. But my current bf is nothing like that—he calls me every night, wants to hang out a lot (and will go out of his way to do so), and was excited to introduce me to his parents and friends. He is chivalrous, pays for everything, and will surprise me in sweet ways (he once brought me flowers and ice cream when I had a big test the next day, and recently bought concert tickets for us to see my favorite band). He is not using me for sex, as we both are saving sex for marriage due to our religious beliefs.

 

But he talks non-stop about himself. It is all about his family, his job, and mundane details about his day. I have always asked him lots of questions because, well, I want to get to know the person I am dating and I care about him! Sometimes he'll ask how my day went, and sometimes he will not. There have been times we've had pretty long phone conversations and he does not ask me a single question (except perhaps if I want to get together Friday night, etc. Basically, yes/no questions that involve his life). If I do talk about my day, he usually turns the conversation back to him. If I tell him about a problem I am having (such as a difficult boss), he'll tell me stories about a terrible boss he once had and not give me any advice. I have tried to talk more about myself, but why waste my breath if he has no interest and barely acknowledges what I said? As you can imagine, our “conversations” are getting boring and simply frustrating me. However, he does seem to remember everything I say, so he is clearly listening to me. He has been like this since the first time I met him—I assumed he was nervous and therefore struggling to converse well, but things have not changed.

 

I listed some more examples below. These types of things happen frequently.

 

-On our third date, I asked him what his parents did for a living. He talked about them for a pretty long time and then went on talking about another subject related to himself, never asking about my parents.

 

-I was talking about a close family member, and mentioned she was on TV for several years. He nodded and that was it. Personally, I would think that was a really interesting fact and want to know why they were on TV/ what show.

 

-I am interested in fitness and told him excitedly that I was thinking about becoming certified as a fitness instructor. He said “yeah?” and then changed the subject.

 

-I am in the process of applying to graduate school to change careers. When we were at a party last week, I told a couple we met that I wanted to go to grad school to become an X. They talked about how X is such a great career. I told them I was excited that they were familiar with the career, as most are not. My bf said casually “oh yeah, I really don't know what one even does as an X.” I was devastated he never cared to learn what an X even does, as that is a huge part of my life and future plans! I just assumed he was familiar with the career and that is why he didn't ask any questions.

 

-I am struggling to think of a single question he has asked about my past—about my childhood, high school, the previous city I lived in, etc. I feel like he would not know anything at all about me if I did not volunteer the information.

 

I'm just so baffled. How can he claim he loves me and not want to know anything about me? It is so frustrating because he is sweet in other ways. He also has a good job and we are members of the same religion (two of the most important criteria I look for in a bf).

 

I've considered that maybe he has something like asperger's, as he is quite intelligent in a standardized-test way and a grad student in a very prestigious program. I understand he will not change if I do not communicate how I feel to him, but I also think that someone either is interested in you or they are not, so what's the point in telling him if, at best, he will pretend to care about my life just to satisfy me? It is a little embarrassing to keep telling him things and have him hardly respond...should I gain a little pride and dump him?

 

I am kind of at a loss as to what to do. I have dated pretty many people and never come across an issue like this. I would really appreciate any insight or help!

[todreaminblue]

Aspergers is often that way , they are loving individuals who take a a little time to adjust to social cues......but is it a definite it is aspergers.....if a guy told me he had aspergers and he had been a bit of a sod it would be a light bulb moment for me.,....it would all make sense i would be unlikely to give a guy like that a chance.......i have mental illness that some times blinds me to want is going on....or social cues i fail to pick up on them...so i try to treat others with a bit of compassion in this department.....you have to do what you feel is right in your heart...deb

[greyskys62]

Tell him how you feel. There's no guarantee that it'll fix anything, but whatever changes (or doesn't change) after you bring it up to him will be a VERY clear indicator of whether you should stay with him or leave. You gain nothing by sweeping this under the rug.

 

I once dated a guy who was just like this--talked mostly about himself and didn't know how to send questions back my way or listen in a way that showed he truly cared. Once, I told him I couldn't hang out because I had to go to a wake, and he just said "Okay" and didn't even ask about who died. That was so absurd to me, so I brought the issue to his attention. I think he got a little embarrassed and defensive at first, but he did make more of a noticeable effort after that. Unfortunately, the true problem with our relationship was his immaturity (his selfishness was just a part of this), and even though he made more of an effort to show he cared after that, his immaturity continued to leak out in different ways.

 

So, get it off your chest to him. It won't be comfortable for either of you, but nothing will change (in either direction) unless you take that step. Guys DO exist out there who are great at conversation and inquiring about your life, so don't waste time with someone who can't see past himself if that's truly what this guy is like. Good luck