How do you become emotionally unavailable?

[greenfairie]

I'm just curious if it is it something in our lives that's making us be that way?

 

How do you get over being emotionally unavailable?

[todreaminblue]

I think you become emotionally unavailable when you cease to express your feelings.when you distance yourself and build a wall between people who love you and those you love back........deb

[greenfairie]

I think you become emotionally unavailable when you cease to express your feelings.when you distance yourself and build a wall between people who love you and those you love back........deb

 

 

Yeah, that is true. I agree...that is how we act…

I just wonder what is the cause…

 

Childhood trauma?…

Relationship trauma?

Something happened to them in their lives to make them so emotionally unavailable?

 

What events can lead up to you becoming that way is what Im curious about

[todreaminblue]

Yeah, that is true. I agree...that is how we act…

I just wonder what is the cause…

 

Childhood trauma?…

Relationship trauma?

Something happened to them in their lives to make them so emotionally unavailable?

 

What events can lead up to you becoming that way is what Im curious about

 

 

not really sure if i can quantify it......i know what has made me emotionally

unavailable at times......stress...when i stress out i go into protection mode.....i could say that i am this way because i had sexual trauma, relationship trauma and people trauma in general the fact remains that i can be in a relationship i have my flaws and sometimes i shut down ..as i think its for defense reasons...everyone is different...i could blame my dad fro him pushing me away and never really loving me, givign me hidings for asking why...... could blame my mum because she showed me love but failed to see the damage my step father was doing with ridicule and neglect and his frequent ways of discipline that were often over the top...... ......i dont know .....i dont think it really matters what is in your past......i just know it matters how you are now....and even though i have had trauma i let people in ....cant say it happens often though...i have also developed extreme coping mechanisms because of trauma...disassociation being one......when in physical pain i go elsewhere.....i am there but not.....

 

in a way that is what emotional detachment is....its a coping mechanism used normally in cases of abuse of some kind trauma related or otherwise to protect your heart...many mental illnesses are created through the disregard of others....but what you choose to do to deal with it and move on ....thats all you..if two people in a relationship are emotionally distant communication becomes paramount....to keep the relationship alive......deb

[KatZee]

It's not only trauma or stress that can create an emotionally unavailable person.

 

A person who is all consumed with advancing his/her career will put their job first and not be emotionally available for a relationship.

 

A person who is so intent on living their own life and discovering themselves can be emotionally unavailable because they may have tons of things and dreams they want to pursue before settling down.

 

The reason I'm emotionally unavailable is because my ex lied to me for almost 3 years. He cheated on me, emotionally abused me, took everything about me for granted, and basically my life was hell for almost 3 years. I have absolutely no interest in dating anyone, and being involved in relationship drama or stress. I'm much happier being alone, casually dating, and pursuing my dreams, than being so focused on one person.

[greenfairie]

It's not only trauma or stress that can create an emotionally unavailable person.

 

A person who is all consumed with advancing his/her career will put their job first and not be emotionally available for a relationship.

 

A person who is so intent on living their own life and discovering themselves can be emotionally unavailable because they may have tons of things and dreams they want to pursue before settling down.

 

The reason I'm emotionally unavailable is because my ex lied to me for almost 3 years. He cheated on me, emotionally abused me, took everything about me for granted, and basically my life was hell for almost 3 years. I have absolutely no interest in dating anyone, and being involved in relationship drama or stress. I'm much happier being alone, casually dating, and pursuing my dreams, than being so focused on one person.

 

 

That makes sense. Thanks for your post! I enjoyed the read. I have to say, I feel like I can relate to this a bit. I look back now and I realize I was SO emotionally unavailable in the last part of my last RS. Especially after graduating high school, I was just SO consumed with where I was supposed to go and be. I had to cut ties. But Ieventually changed my mind later on, then having to give up and move on now.. I realize I jumped into another RS so soon, I have to focus on my dreams and where I need to go to make it big. I don't want to live with my parents forever. I definitely am not planning on staying where I am forever.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You squeeze your eyes closed, clamp your nose shut with your fingers, bend your knees and wiggle your butt and if you do it right a little fart comes out and *poof* you're emotionally unavailable, it's that easy!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have been emotionally unavailable for years. I have a wall that nobody gets through.

 

Many people that interact with me or even date me are not aware of this. I still get surface feelings and surface heartbreaks, but they go away within a couple of days. There is a wall that protects me from truly getting hurt.

 

Past trauma is why I got this way. I am not ready to change yet.

[skydiveaddict]

I have been emotionally unavailable for years. I have a wall that nobody gets through.

 

I doubt that.

 

Past trauma is why I got this way. I am not ready to change yet.

 

That's not a good way to live. You better be careful or you'll end up like me.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think emotional unavailability is often a choice that stems from a traumatic breaching of trust.

 

Perhaps a person was abused, manipulated, cheated on, lied to, neglected, rejected, abandoned etc. In this way, a person can choose to become emotionally unavailable because they feel that being emotional open is weak, vulnerable and will end in pain. Sometimes it is necessary to be unavailable in the short term to work on the painful experiences.

[greenfairie]

I have been emotionally unavailable for years. I have a wall that nobody gets through.

 

Many people that interact with me or even date me are not aware of this. I still get surface feelings and surface heartbreaks, but they go away within a couple of days. There is a wall that protects me from truly getting hurt.

 

Past trauma is why I got this way. I am not ready to change yet.

 

Yeah, you don't wanna grow old and be lonely like my father is. He told me he's had a wall up for years and he's in his 60s right now.. He wishes that he didn't do that but he did….

Try to connect with at least a few people. Stay strong girl!

[maiden of rohan]

Looking back, I've always been emotionally unavailable. I can't recall a time I felt anything other than surface emotions as ES described. I am more of a thinker, than a feeler, though.

 

I've never honestly opened up to many people. Not completely. There's always a thick wall between us, even if they aren't aware of it. Even if I'm not entirely aware of it. It's very good for self-preservation, not so good if you want lasting relationships.

 

I don't know what made me this way. I was a shy child, who never knew how to process my emotions. I'd bottle them up, and when I received criticism for it, I'd bottle up the emotions from that. Most people when insulted would react, or when hurt, would talk about it, and process it. Not me. I tucked it away, mulled it over, and spat it back out.

 

Either through a series of bullying, problems at home (mild, compared to some others and who doesn't have problems?) I never learned to deal with them. It drove my ex mad. He couldn't have a functioning discussion with me about emotional topics without me closing down. Funnily enough, every heartbreak I've ever had lasted no longer than a night. I'd cry a bit, then wake up, and be perfectly fine. It really doesn't bother me in the slightest, and to this day, there's been no pent-up "releases" of emotion from them.

 

Part of me wonders if this is just part of my personality. Maybe some people are meant to be unavailable, and others are meant to be available, emotionally, that is. It's hard to figure it out because it's tricky to pinpoint the moment I "shut up shop" as it were. If I could get to that, I could get a conclusive answer. Or maybe there simply wasn't any moment, and I was born this way. Who knows?

 

I wouldn't know how to get out of this "funk." So I couldn't answer you there. I suspect it may be dealing with whatever the causes of it are, if indeed, there is a cause to be dealt with.

[SpiralOut]

I think it's a defensive mechanism we develop after being hurt. I know someone who is severely detached emotionally. He attributes it to his rough upbringing. I myself got hurt by too many people who used me or betrayed me. I had walls up for many years and am now opening up to possible friendships. With dating, I am still closed off even though I don't want to be.

Edited December 1, 2013 by SpiralOut