looking4_hope Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 My husband and i have been separated for about 5 months. During the first months of our separation, he addressed the state of our marriage but he rejected the idea of marriage counseling. I was hurt that he didn't want to try and i just felt defeated, however at the end of that conversation he did ask me.. "What should we do? i don't want to dictate what happens" but i felt like none of my ideas were working so i had no choice but to just agree with him. I think he got upset because it wasn't the usual response i'd give him regarding the divorce. I was always the one that cried and begged him to just keep working on the marriage. However, since i was home and around friends and family.. I felt like he can go ahead with the divorce and i'll be fine. I asked him if he was filing for the divorce where he's at and he replies with a "YES" and when i asks when he was filing for the divorce he said "between tomorrow and the end of the year" I was of course heart broken and i remember crying in my room and thinking "tomorrow my marriage can end" I was just devastated. The following weeks he insisted he was going to send my things. First and foremost.. My car. I didn't want him to send my vehicle because a part of me was holding on to hope that maybe he will turn around and that he'd turn around and tell me that he wanted to work on the marriage but nothing. Weeks came and went and i wasn't served papers for the divorce. I ended up shipping the vehicle to my home state with the help of my parents so he didn't have to spend a dime and just use the money on the divorce he was so desperate for. Our communication was very limited. We don't talk on the phone, all we do is text. I'd probably get random texts from him every two weeks or so and they'd be very short lived. Now it's been five months.. and we still haven't "reconciled" but i feel like things are changing but i'm not sure. I wanted to get some of your opinions on it. Before, when i asked him about the divorce, and when he was filing it.. he'd be so quick to answer with something sarcastic like.. "tomorrow" but i still haven't been served. Now, when i recently asked him… he answers with "i guess" and tells me that the has no time to file it and no money and too busy. However, during summer.. he had enough money to send my vehicle home (1900) and enough time to file for the divorce because he didn't have classes then. One surprising text was: He even texted me asking me if i was filing it here in my home state since i've been here for 5 months already. Why would he tell me to file it when it was all his idea? He could've filed it in the state he's living the same week i left to come home! He's also been communicating with me more via texts and asking me questions about how i feel about the divorce like how it's effecting me. When i texted him and i told him i felt "helpless" about the divorce because he didn't want to try any of my suggestions… he replies with "nothing, idk what you want me to say to that" I don't understand why now he cares about what he says when before the separation he didn't care about what he said to me and how it would hurt me. Does it sound like maybe my husband is rethinking the divorce?? Does it sound like he really wants a divorce?? I'm so confused and scared to have hope. I'm trying to communicate with him in a positive way because i still want to work it out with him and maybe we can reconcile and work on our marriage but i just need to see if other people see his recent actions as a positive thing? Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Well, it certainly sounds like there is less urgency to divorce, more questioning. I suspect that the initial anger, shock has worn off and he's now seeing this more objectively. It doesn't mean he's coming back, but it seems like he's probing more. How long were you two married? Children? Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4_hope Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 we're supposed to be 5 years next month. Yes, step kids.. From his previous marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 May I ask what the issues were? Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4_hope Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 It doesn't mean he's coming back, but it seems like he's probing more. What do u mean?? what's the reason for his probing if he's not thinking of reconciling? Just wondering And thank you for your post Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 What do u mean?? what's the reason for his probing if he's not thinking of reconciling? Just wondering And thank you for your post His coming back, I would imagine, is contingent or conditional. He may want to get a feel of what it is that you may require of him to make things work out. For some people, the process of reconciliation also matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4_hope Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 May I ask what the issues were? Lack of communication, parenting, and spending time together, passive aggressive attitude, stonewalling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4_hope Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 His coming back, I would imagine, is contingent or conditional. He may want to get a feel of what it is that you may require of him to make things work out. For some people, the process of reconciliation also matters. I try to make our "interactions" as positive as I can so he is more willing to talk about what's on his mind but there are some convos where i feel he still shuts me out. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Lack of communication, parenting, and spending time together, passive aggressive attitude, stonewalling. Did this happen throughout? Ugh, some of these are entrenched behaviors and tough to change. Being PA is one of them. I imagine that you are the one that brought these things up consistently and frequently? He probably interpreted it as "nagging." Did he ever try to change for the better in these areas. I mean, really change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4_hope Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 (edited) Did this happen throughout? Ugh, some of these are entrenched behaviors and tough to change. Being PA is one of them. I imagine that you are the one that brought these things up consistently and frequently? He probably interpreted it as "nagging." Did he ever try to change for the better in these areas. I mean, really change? yes, i brought it up to him whenever our fights got really bad and i felt he was manipulating the conversation again. But he'd always come back with a "you don't like who i am..that's y you should find someone else" or "i'm not going to change for anyone" I hated it. I felt like i was never being heard. I wasn't trying to change him. (at least that was not my goal) I just wanted a way to communicate with each other. There were moments where he'd approach me and say things like "i know i can be an ass sometimes" or "is the reason why you're so upset -- because i'm so harsh on you" and I'd reply "yes" and he'd say he'd "tone it down" but those are the only occasions i remember where i think he'd really take accountability for his actions. The rest of the time, he would accuse me of trying to change him and he didn't feel the need to change. He felt there was no reason for him to change if if there was -- the solution is me finding someone else. Edited November 25, 2013 by looking4_hope Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4_hope Posted November 26, 2013 Author Share Posted November 26, 2013 Has your counselor ever mentioned for you to present your husband with some type of timeline or boundary of sorts to declare to you his intentions? No, i never presented a time line to him because the first month i was home, he asked me what we were doing with the marriage… i suggested he come to my home state to get away from the pressures (work, school,MIL,stress) he didn't want to. I told him i wanted us to go to a counselor… he didn't' want to. During that "conversation" he didn't want to accept my suggestions. So i just gave him what he wanted. He did tell me that he didn't want to "Dictate" what would happen, and asked me what we should do.. but because i asked him to explain one of his text (we were communicating via text) he gets upset with me and says that i was "acting dumb" and at that point i just didn't' want to say anything that might make it worse and just told him i didn't know what to do -- so i just agreed to the divorce.. he didn't' say anything but when i asked him when he was filing for the divorce, he says "between now and the end of the year." I'd ask him randomly throughout the months and he'd reply with a sarcastic "tomorrow" .. Fast forward-- to November, out of no where he asks me if i filed for the divorce. This threw me off because this whole time he's been saying he'll file. And when i asked him y he was asking me y i need to file, he tells me.. "You don't have to, i was just asking" So i ask him and now instead of sarcastic replies i get "I guess." and then tells me that he can't file it because he has no money or too busy. I don't believe him. When i ask for my belongings (as small as a hair straightener) to be sent -- he doesn't do it. I've asked him for months to send me my things and he won't budge. He'll tell me to email him a list of items that i want -- did it… still nothing. I value my marriage very much. Deep down i want to save my marriage but i have no idea where to turn or what to do to get my husband to move. I feel like he's stuck. I'm willing to work on it but i'm also willing to move on -- i have no choice. Have you ever read the book, Love Must Be Tough? It's for marriages that are in crisis. The tough love principles shared in it are highly effective. I encourage you to pick up a copy~it's well worth it. Hugs, friend. No i haven't read it that sounds like a good book to read. Could u share with me some of the principles the book has? Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 My husband and i have been separated for about 5 months. During the first months of our separation, he addressed the state of our marriage but he rejected the idea of marriage counseling. I was hurt that he didn't want to try and i just felt defeated, however at the end of that conversation he did ask me.. "What should we do? i don't want to dictate what happens" but i felt like none of my ideas were working so i had no choice but to just agree with him. I think he got upset because it wasn't the usual response i'd give him regarding the divorce. I was always the one that cried and begged him to just keep working on the marriage. However, since i was home and around friends and family.. I felt like he can go ahead with the divorce and i'll be fine. I asked him if he was filing for the divorce where he's at and he replies with a "YES" and when i asks when he was filing for the divorce he said "between tomorrow and the end of the year" I was of course heart broken and i remember crying in my room and thinking "tomorrow my marriage can end" I was just devastated. The following weeks he insisted he was going to send my things. First and foremost.. My car. I didn't want him to send my vehicle because a part of me was holding on to hope that maybe he will turn around and that he'd turn around and tell me that he wanted to work on the marriage but nothing. Weeks came and went and i wasn't served papers for the divorce. I ended up shipping the vehicle to my home state with the help of my parents so he didn't have to spend a dime and just use the money on the divorce he was so desperate for. Our communication was very limited. We don't talk on the phone, all we do is text. I'd probably get random texts from him every two weeks or so and they'd be very short lived. Now it's been five months.. and we still haven't "reconciled" but i feel like things are changing but i'm not sure. I wanted to get some of your opinions on it. Before, when i asked him about the divorce, and when he was filing it.. he'd be so quick to answer with something sarcastic like.. "tomorrow" but i still haven't been served. Now, when i recently asked him… he answers with "i guess" and tells me that the has no time to file it and no money and too busy. However, during summer.. he had enough money to send my vehicle home (1900) and enough time to file for the divorce because he didn't have classes then. One surprising text was: He even texted me asking me if i was filing it here in my home state since i've been here for 5 months already. Why would he tell me to file it when it was all his idea? He could've filed it in the state he's living the same week i left to come home! He's also been communicating with me more via texts and asking me questions about how i feel about the divorce like how it's effecting me. When i texted him and i told him i felt "helpless" about the divorce because he didn't want to try any of my suggestions… he replies with "nothing, idk what you want me to say to that" I don't understand why now he cares about what he says when before the separation he didn't care about what he said to me and how it would hurt me. Does it sound like maybe my husband is rethinking the divorce?? Does it sound like he really wants a divorce?? I'm so confused and scared to have hope. I'm trying to communicate with him in a positive way because i still want to work it out with him and maybe we can reconcile and work on our marriage but i just need to see if other people see his recent actions as a positive thing? Tell him, to hurry up with the D. He wants to hold you hostage. I'm sure once he sees you are moving on and dating he will come crawling back to you. Communicate to him that you want to start doing just that and that not being divorced yet will make you uncomfortable to start dating. But you don't want a paper to keep holding you back since your M is apparently over for over 5 months now. Go NC, do a 180 and be strong. You are his doormat and you cannot allow this. Search walk away spouse syndrome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4_hope Posted November 26, 2013 Author Share Posted November 26, 2013 Tell him, to hurry up with the D. He wants to hold you hostage. I'm sure once he sees you are moving on and dating he will come crawling back to you. Communicate to him that you want to start doing just that and that not being divorced yet will make you uncomfortable to start dating. But you don't want a paper to keep holding you back since your M is apparently over for over 5 months now. Go NC, do a 180 and be strong. You are his doormat and you cannot allow this. Search walk away spouse syndrome. I tried NC but he always asked me about accounts and my dogs. Idk If I was just supposed to ignore that. Does NC really work? I've read different things about it... And I've started my 180 the day I got home. I don't think he's noticed any changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4_hope Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 After advice from friends, my IC and people on this forum... I decided that I should just go talk to him and ask what's up--- I called him yesterday... And he didn't call me back. I texted him today telling him I needed to talk to him and he asked "about what" and I told him "I'd like to talk about this divorce but I don't want to talk about it through texts" he said he was busy so I asked him when he'd be free but never responded. Now he doesn't want to talk about this divorce?!? I wasn't going to ask for him back I just wanted to get a timeline on when it's going to be set in motion. Now he just avoiding it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4_hope Posted November 28, 2013 Author Share Posted November 28, 2013 I finally spoke to my H today. I kept it light and tried not to get into too much detail about what went wrong with or relationship. I told him that the purpose of the call was to figure out if he and I were staying on the direction that he wanted (just get a divorce) or try and work things out. He kept dancing around the answer. I'd ask him again to just give me a straight answer-- yes or no. He wouldn't say "no" he'd just point out things but I always brought him back to the question. He finally said "yeah ok" Perhaps it's his pride? And passive aggressive attitude? That's prevented him to he upfront that he wants to work things out? Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Go with a friend and pack up ALL your stuff (that is, if you no longger want the house for yourself). Do it while he's gone hopefully. You will have already seen an attorney and filed (in or out of state). Simple as that. No more talk or text. Period. Read NC. There is only one set of magic words to stop the train. And that means he has to become decisivive, and not wishy-washy, and acting like a complete heck to a wonderful woman. Here are the magic words: "I'm sorry, I love you, I will do anything to save this marriage." Other than that, forget it. Sometimes divorce papers wake a man up (especially in the "Walk-Away-Wife" scenario) - but since this guy asked for the divorce, don't count on it. And implement the full 180 and NC. Let him see what it's like when you finally give up on his sorry azz. You must mean business, and you must follow through. The only key are the magic words, period. IGNORE everything else - even block his number. If a man loves you - he knows how to find you. Wash you hands of this crap and get moving forward. This is the hardest step for people in this situation, Hon. I could have saved my marriage by taking a hard line a decade ago - but I kept putting up with the BS. Nowthat he said the D word, you never know when he'll say it again - that's for life. Stand up girl, forward march. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
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