Serial short term lover!

[L1ght]

And so you don't care at all about the heart you will be breaking when you leave?

 

Consider the hell you went through. You would unleash that on some sweet pretty girl or woman who only wanted to love you with her whole heart, because you got burned once?

 

You want to ruin months for her, like you had months where food didn't taste good, you could hang with friends but hated the fact that for so long you couldn't enjoy being with them because there was only one person you wanted to be with, and you couldn't be with them? Where you couldn't enjoy any of the activities you used to because your world was colored with so much pain?

 

I agree. Take the time to make sure the woman is worth investing in before doing so, but don't just cut and run when the "high" wears off. Remember that pretty much to a one, married couples who have been married for a long time report that the time after they have spent years together, even without the recurrent high, they report as much more satisfying than the initial "high."

 

You could take the sociopathic route. Not care that you might very well be breaking the heart of a woman who would have loved you to the best of her ability, not care that you are unleashing the same or worse pain on another living being who just made the dumb mistake of trusting you.

 

Or you could consider being more careful with your heart, but if she is worth it, staying, and not breaking her heart just because you might get hurt.

Burned once? I've been in and out of relationships since I started puberty and that was 20 years ago. It's always the same process over and over again and I've pretty much summed it up in previous posts......new love, infatuation, wonderment, excitement, interest, fun etc....then once reality sets in it always turns into something else.

I'm experienced. I've been the guy who fought to the bitter end to try and make things work in extremely passionate/intense/explosive relationships where fighting to resolves issues becomes part and parcel of growing together with someone. It's actually a great feeling when you can move past the hard times with someone and grow with them because the bond gets stronger the further along the line you manage to go........but to see all of that hard work come to nought has got to be one of the most disappointing feelings imaginable and I see it all the time. Obviously not all relationships go the same distance but the pattern always ends up being the same.

I see it coming though, I saw it coming in my last relationship and yet again I held on in the hope that something would come good in the end of it but I should have just followed my gut and took the escape route before I got left holding the broken pieces on my own.

This is my life....maybe it's just me? maybe I'm not meant to be with someone for longer than the honeymoon phase, maybe I'm supposed to embrace my role as a short term lover cos for me its always been the period that I have been able to connect with my partners on the highest possible level. After that everything becomes distorted and mind games start to creep in. Mistrust, miscommunication, sniping, biting, negative energy, venom, frustration, anger....and then the pain.

I'm out as soon as the buzz is gone. My partners will either understand or they will just have to deal with the fact that one of us was going to become a casualty eventually anyway so I just took matters into my own hands instead of continuing the dance until the breaking point shattered our hearts into a million pieces.

[AnyaNova]

Burned once? I've been in and out of relationships since I started puberty and that was 20 years ago. It's always the same process over and over again and I've pretty much summed it up in previous posts......new love, infatuation, wonderment, excitement, interest, fun etc....then once reality sets in it always turns into something else.

I'm experienced. I've been the guy who fought to the bitter end to try and make things work in extremely passionate/intense/explosive relationships where fighting to resolves issues becomes part and parcel of growing together with someone. It's actually a great feeling when you can move past the hard times with someone and grow with them because the bond gets stronger the further along the line you manage to go........but to see all of that hard work come to nought has got to be one of the most disappointing feelings imaginable and I see it all the time. Obviously not all relationships go the same distance but the pattern always ends up being the same.

I see it coming though, I saw it coming in my last relationship and yet again I held on in the hope that something would come good in the end of it but I should have just followed my gut and took the escape route before I got left holding the broken pieces on my own.

This is my life....maybe it's just me? maybe I'm not meant to be with someone for longer than the honeymoon phase, maybe I'm supposed to embrace my role as a short term lover cos for me its always been the period that I have been able to connect with my partners on the highest possible level. After that everything becomes distorted and mind games start to creep in. Mistrust, miscommunication, sniping, biting, negative energy, venom, frustration, anger....and then the pain.

I'm out as soon as the buzz is gone. My partners will either understand or they will just have to deal with the fact that one of us was going to become a casualty eventually anyway so I just took matters into my own hands instead of continuing the dance until the breaking point shattered our hearts into a million pieces.

 

Then at least promise that you will be upfront with each woman at the beginning about this. That you are only in it until the high wears off. For your own integrity. So that they have the choice and aren't made into victims by you.

[L1ght]

Then at least promise that you will be upfront with each woman at the beginning about this. That you are only in it until the high wears off. For your own integrity. So that they have the choice and aren't made into victims by you.

No. They will have every opportunity to keep the buzz alive. I will be waiting for that day when I sense that little dip in interest, that slight lack of sensitivity or respect, the moment when the connection weakens and the flame begins to fade.....I really have experienced it more times than I care to remember.

Something about women, the satisfaction and fulfilment they were once overcome with disappears. I will be waiting for this moment because I refuse to change who I am for any woman ever again. Its over and I don't care who gets hurt in the process.

[AnyaNova]

No. They will have every opportunity to keep the buzz alive. I will be waiting for that day when I sense that little dip in interest, that slight lack of sensitivity or respect, the moment when the connection weakens and the flame begins to fade.....I really have experienced it more times than I care to remember.

Something about women, the satisfaction and fulfilment they were once overcome with disappears. I will be waiting for this moment because I refuse to change who I am for any woman ever again. Its over and I don't care who gets hurt in the process.

 

So that is who you choose to be.

 

And that is the enormity of what you have allowed your previous relationships to take from you.

 

Your humanity.

 

EDIT: Did it ever occur to you to try continuing in the relationship when that dip happens, but NOT giving up who you are?

Edited November 28, 2013 by AnyaNova

[L1ght]

So that is who you choose to be.

 

And that is the enormity of what you have allowed your previous relationships to take from you.

 

Your humanity.

 

EDIT: Did it ever occur to you to try continuing in the relationship when that dip happens, but NOT giving up who you are?

Compromises. Compromise after compromise to satisfy a woman's needs.....how many compromises can a guy make before he morphs into someone else? A time will undoubtedly come where I have to compromise and along with this compromise my female partner will actually lose an ounce of respect for me yet she will ask it of me anyway.....so a million compromises down the road is a million ounces of respect lost and by this point I'm really not the man I used to be. Lol all to satisfy a woman.

No thank you. I'm getting my fulfilment and its up to my partner how long she lasts before her actions dictate how quickly I walk out the door.

[AnyaNova]

Compromises. Compromise after compromise to satisfy a woman's needs.....how many compromises can a guy make before he morphs into someone else? A time will undoubtedly come where I have to compromise and along with this compromise my female partner will actually lose an ounce of respect for me yet she will ask it of me anyway.....so a million compromises down the road is a million ounces of respect lost and by this point I'm really not the man I used to be. Lol all to satisfy a woman.

No thank you. I'm getting my fulfilment and its up to my partner how long she lasts before her actions dictate how quickly I walk out the door.

 

You know, I really hope that I never meet you in real life, or anyone like you. I only hope that your intense bitterness would shine like a beacon.

 

It really scares me now, as I go back out into the dating world, how many men are like you? Choosing to be cynical and to hurt others, just because they have been hurt, and are too cowardly to deal with it, live with it, learn from it, and grow from it.

 

You have made your choice then. But know this.

 

It will come back to haunt you, when it is too late to do anything about it.

 

And as much pain as you dished out. You will end up with heaps more in return. This is simply how the universe works.

 

And so you choose. I'd wish you joy in your choosing, but know that ultimately there will be none.

 

I know it is stupid and you will probably laugh at me for doing so, but I pray to God right now that if it be His will, any woman with a decent heart who truly would try and love you, who you would hurt in this manner, somehow see clearly your bitterness, hatred, and indifference to pain and be turned away from you.

 

I also pray that if there is a woman who could and would break through this shell you have created, that she be allowed to do so and not get burned by you.

 

And finally I pray that before you have a chance to carry this sadistic plan to fruition that you heal enough to realize what a truly terrible idea this actually is and the many ways that it would burn you in the process.

[L1ght]

You know, I really hope that I never meet you in real life, or anyone like you. I only hope that your intense bitterness would shine like a beacon.

 

It really scares me now, as I go back out into the dating world, how many men are like you? Choosing to be cynical and to hurt others, just because they have been hurt, and are too cowardly to deal with it, live with it, learn from it, and grow from it.

 

You have made your choice then. But know this.

 

It will come back to haunt you, when it is too late to do anything about it.

 

And as much pain as you dished out. You will end up with heaps more in return. This is simply how the universe works.

 

And so you choose. I'd wish you joy in your choosing, but know that ultimately there will be none.

 

I know it is stupid and you will probably laugh at me for doing so, but I pray to God right now that if it be His will, any woman with a decent heart who truly would try and love you, who you would hurt in this manner, somehow see clearly your bitterness, hatred, and indifference to pain and be turned away from you.

 

I also pray that if there is a woman who could and would break through this shell you have created, that she be allowed to do so and not get burned by you.

 

And finally I pray that before you have a chance to carry this sadistic plan to fruition that you heal enough to realize what a truly terrible idea this actually is and the many ways that it would burn you in the process.

you still don't get it. I'm done leaving myself vulnerable to the female of the species. It's really not my cuppa tea and cry me a river why don't you.........in this modern world we live in its absolutely the women that leave a massive trail of broken hearts behind them as they leave a guy scratching his head wondering what the hell just happened. In fact you know what? I will go as far as to say that women are terrible lovers....lol its always the guy who has to woo and impress his female partner while she sits there in full expectance to be swept off her feet. It's the guy who makes the effort, it's the guy who makes all the moves, it's the guy who has to judge what kind of emotional state his mentally fragile female partner is gonna be in on a day to day basis as he travels through the treacherous, unforgiving road that is the female psyche and if he makes one misjudgement or one wrong move then he can kiss goodbye to any kind of decent progression with the lady he is pursuing.

It's just a game. It really is and I'm in it to keep my sanity from this day forward.

You girls are amazing.....AT FIRST! but once that phase is over you really aint worth the hassle oh and by the way I don't feel guilty and I don't expect that the women I date from this point on will have any clue about my intentions because I have full confidence in my capability to engage in something I believe in. I believe in my plan to keep my own sanity and I feel very positively about moving forwards and being a successful short term lover.

[AnyaNova]

you still don't get it. I'm done leaving myself vulnerable to the female of the species. It's really not my cuppa tea and cry me a river why don't you.........in this modern world we live in its absolutely the women that leave a massive trail of broken hearts behind them as they leave a guy scratching his head wondering what the hell just happened. In fact you know what? I will go as far as to say that women are terrible lovers....lol its always the guy who has to woo and impress his female partner while she sits there in full expectance to be swept off her feet. It's the guy who makes the effort, it's the guy who makes all the moves, it's the guy who has to judge what kind of emotional state his mentally fragile female partner is gonna be in on a day to day basis as he travels through the treacherous, unforgiving road that is the female psyche and if he makes one misjudgement or one wrong move then he can kiss goodbye to any kind of decent progression with the lady he is pursuing.

It's just a game. It really is and I'm in it to keep my sanity from this day forward.

You girls are amazing.....AT FIRST! but once that phase is over you really aint worth the hassle oh and by the way I don't feel guilty and I don't expect that the women I date from this point on will have any clue about my intentions because I have full confidence in my capability to engage in something I believe in. I believe in my plan to keep my own sanity and I feel very positively about moving forwards and being a successful short term lover.

 

If its always the woman leaving broken hearts, please explain my presence, and the presence of all the women on this forum.

[JourneyLady]

If its always the woman leaving broken hearts, please explain my presence, and the presence of all the women on this forum.

 

Agreed. Do please explain that. Explain to me how one who thinks like you took me for all I was worth on a ride for five years while I gave everything I had to the relationship... even after it ended I was still on his side for a while. It ended because it was all about him and his needs and not "our" needs, or the needs of the relationship. It ended because he was selfish like you sound in the direction you are going, and thought only of himself.

 

You scare me too. I've had my heart broken twice and still cry at night sometimes. And I'm almost thinking of backing out of dating altogether knowing there are people that think like you out there. We're not all cut from the same cloth, and then there is the fact that in life, what you don't like in others is the mirror image of yourself. Because the things you like in yourself will not bother you in others.

 

And please check out marriage builders, because they have a big understanding of what goes wrong in relationships after the "honeymoon period".

[L1ght]

Agreed. Do please explain that. Explain to me how one who thinks like you took me for all I was worth on a ride for five years while I gave everything I had to the relationship... even after it ended I was still on his side for a while. It ended because it was all about him and his needs and not "our" needs, or the needs of the relationship. It ended because he was selfish like you sound in the direction you are going, and thought only of himself.

 

You scare me too. I've had my heart broken twice and still cry at night sometimes. And I'm almost thinking of backing out of dating altogether knowing there are people that think like you out there. We're not all cut from the same cloth, and then there is the fact that in life, what you don't like in others is the mirror image of yourself. Because the things you like in yourself will not bother you in others.

 

And please check out marriage builders, because they have a big understanding of what goes wrong in relationships after the "honeymoon period".

Sure I'll explain it for you. It's pretty obvious really. The guys you and Anya speak of who left you holding the pieces were wise enough to get out before you took them for fools. I commend them for being smart enough to look out for themselves before you obliterated their souls. I really do intend to follow in their footsteps and do exactly the same thing when I'm in the same situation and my gut is screaming at me to walk away.....don't get me wrong, I've walked away from women I wasn't that into before but I have to admit I've always had trouble walking away from the ones who I really cared about and every single time I have paid a high price for that weakness. Not any more. I'm out as soon as my gut starts to give me the signals.

My advice to you? Find a guy who is dumb enough to fall into your trap and allows you to play your silly little games while you take him for a sucker because there are plenty of them out there that are yet to realise just how detrimental it is to their souls and well being to leave themselves emotionally vulnerable to the opposite sex. Get them before they wise up and I'm sure you'll take all the pleasure you need before you suck the life out of them and leave them questioning what it is they have to do to keep the female species content and satisfied for more than 5 minutes....oh wait that's impossible because women never really know what they want and the goal posts always change.

Anyway...yeah good luck with the game. Play to win and I'm sure you will. That's what I intend to do.

Edited November 29, 2013 by L1ght

[AnyaNova]

Sure I'll explain it for you. It's pretty obvious really. The guys you and Anya speak of who left you holding the pieces were wise enough to get out before you took them for fools. I commend them for being smart enough to look out for themselves before you obliterated their souls. I really do intend to follow in their footsteps and do exactly the same thing when I'm in the same situation and my gut is screaming at me to walk away.....don't get me wrong, I've walked away from women I wasn't that into before but I have to admit I've always had trouble walking away from the ones who I really cared about and every single time I have paid a high price for that weakness. Not any more. I'm out as soon as my gut starts to give me the signals.

My advice to you? Find a guy who is dumb enough to fall into your trap and allows you to play your silly little games while you take him for a sucker because there are plenty of them out there that are yet to realise just how detrimental it is to their souls and well being to leave themselves emotionally vulnerable to the opposite sex. Get them before they wise up and I'm sure you'll take all the pleasure you need before you suck the life out of them and leave them questioning what it is they have to do to keep the female species content and satisfied for more than 5 minutes....oh wait that's impossible because women never really know what they want and the goal posts always change.

Anyway...yeah good luck with the game. play to win and I'm sure you will. That's what I intend to do.

 

You don't get it! We wouldn't have walked away. We wouldn't have taken them for fools, or for a ride, because we genuinely cared about them! Because we loved them.

 

Perhaps instead of assuming that because the women you have heretofore gone for treat you like crap and don't value you, that all women are like that with all men and hence deserve terrible treatment, you could try assuming that perhaps your particular taste in women is toxic for you, and before becoming an abusive and deceptive jerk, you could try dating a different type of woman from your usual. Just a thought, ya know.

 

So you commend Tim, hmm?

 

You commend him for giving into his extreme fear of being hurt, and quite possibly monetary pressure on the part of his parents, so that despite his obvious feelings for me, his obvious care, and the extreme pain sending me away caused him, you commend him for giving in and not facing his fears?

 

You commend him for not being willing to stand up to his parents, if I am right about that aspect?

 

You commend him for causing both himself and me so much pain?

 

You commend him for refusing to answer any communication I have sent him since, but after (apparently) reading about the gym that I go to on facebook and about my personal training sessions (which because I posted about just being done with them, he easily knew when they were), decided to come to my town in my gym and lurk about without saying a single word to me, and make pissy faces when other guys just said hi to me, and when my trainer called my name when he was the one who dumped me?

 

read this once, twice, three times as many times as it takes until you get it through your head. I have AvPD, which means that my ability to trust is severely limited. Which means, that when I have decided to let down my guard enough to enter into a relationship, I am doing so with complete seriousness, and will be giving my all to it. I do not play games, manipulate, or casually play with men's hearts. Because I expect the men I am in a relationship with to be extraordinarily careful with my heart, I also demand of myself that I am as careful with their heart as I expect them to be with mine.

 

Tell yourself all you want that all of us women are evil serial man-leavers and breakers of hearts.

 

It will not make it true.

 

And furthermore, you don't care that they obliterated our souls?

[L1ght]

You don't get it! We wouldn't have walked away. We wouldn't have taken them for fools, or for a ride, because we genuinely cared about them! Because we loved them.

 

Perhaps instead of assuming that because the women you have heretofore gone for treat you like crap and don't value you, that all women are like that with all men and hence deserve terrible treatment, you could try assuming that perhaps your particular taste in women is toxic for you, and before becoming an abusive and deceptive jerk, you could try dating a different type of woman from your usual. Just a thought, ya know.

 

So you commend Tim, hmm?

 

You commend him for giving into his extreme fear of being hurt, and quite possibly monetary pressure on the part of his parents, so that despite his obvious feelings for me, his obvious care, and the extreme pain sending me away caused him, you commend him for giving in and not facing his fears?

 

You commend him for not being willing to stand up to his parents, if I am right about that aspect?

 

You commend him for causing both himself and me so much pain?

 

You commend him for refusing to answer any communication I have sent him since, but after (apparently) reading about the gym that I go to on facebook and about my personal training sessions (which because I posted about just being done with them, he easily knew when they were), decided to come to my town in my gym and lurk about without saying a single word to me, and make pissy faces when other guys just said hi to me, and when my trainer called my name when he was the one who dumped me?

 

read this once, twice, three times as many times as it takes until you get it through your head. I have AvPD, which means that my ability to trust is severely limited. Which means, that when I have decided to let down my guard enough to enter into a relationship, I am doing so with complete seriousness, and will be giving my all to it. I do not play games, manipulate, or casually play with men's hearts. Because I expect the men I am in a relationship with to be extraordinarily careful with my heart, I also demand of myself that I am as careful with their heart as I expect them to be with mine.

 

Tell yourself all you want that all of us women are evil serial man-leavers and breakers of hearts.

 

It will not make it true.

 

And furthermore, you don't care that they obliterated our souls?

I've heard that argument before, the whole "your particular taste in women is toxic for you" theory and I simply don't buy it one little bit. For starters I have had a varied life where the various talents I posses or various things that I'm in to has allowed for me to walk in many different circles and meet many different types of people. I honestly don't subscribe to the " he/she is only attracted to one particular type of person" theory. My experience with women is far reaching and the variety is wide and full of many many different variables. Maybe some people only go for blond, blue eyed, tall, skinny or whatever but I am certainly not one of those people....these variables don't just include appearance alone either, each woman I have been with has had a different personality from the last. Where all women are the same is how they behave when a relationship intensifies and the pressure between 2 lovers builds over a period of time.

As for Tim? It's not my problem how he behaves with you. I have already said why I commend a guy for being strong enough to walk away so I don't really feel like I need to repeat that point again at this moment in time. The only thing I don't commend him for his following his parents wishes instead of his own.....I left home a long time ago and can't even imagine looking to my parents for relationship advice. A guys got to grow up and look after himself some day and the sooner that day comes the better.

It's funny how much pride and ego gets in the way of people recovering from getting dumped. I mean if I was strong enough to dump my ex first or you were smart enough to realise that your ex wasn't gonna let you suck the life out of him then we both could have walked away with a hell of a lot less pain and regret. The truth is that the people who do the dumping move on exponentially quicker than those who get dumped.....so learn from your mistake and make sure you do the dumping first next time then you will save yourself a world of pain.

Edited November 29, 2013 by L1ght

[AnyaNova]

I've heard that argument before, the whole "your particular taste in women is toxic for you" theory and I simply don't buy it one little bit. For starters I have had a varied life where the various talents I posses or various things that I'm in to has allowed for me to walk in many different circles and meet many different types of people. I honestly don't subscribe to the " he/she is only attracted to one particular type of person" theory. My experience with women is far reaching and the variety is wide and full of many many different variables. Maybe some people only go for blond, blue eyed, tall, skinny or whatever but I am certainly not one of those people....these variables don't just include appearance alone either, each woman I have been with has had a different personality from the last. Where all women are the same is how they behave when a relationship intensifies and the pressure between 2 lovers builds over a period of time.

As for Tim? It's not my problem how he behaves with you. I have already said why I commend a guy for being strong enough to walk away so I don't really feel like I need to repeat that point again at this moment in time. The only thing I don't commend him for his following his parents wishes instead of his own.....I left home a long time ago and can't even imagine looking to my parents for relationship advice. A guys got to grow up and look after himself some day and the sooner that day comes the better.

It's funny how much pride and ego gets in the way of people recovering from getting dumped. I mean if I was strong enough to dump my ex first or you were smart enough to realise that your ex wasn't gonna let you suck the life out of him then we both could have walked away with a hell of a lot less pain and regret. The truth is that the people who do the dumping move on exponentially quicker than those who get dumped.....so learn from your mistake and make sure you do the dumping first next time then you will save yourself a world of pain.

 

1) Perhaps it is not personality that is the problem. Perhaps your particular emotional issues cause you to choose women with a similar issue, despite vastly different personalities, that does not allow them to be able to truly and closely bond with someone. I mean, heck. The men I have dated have respectively been in xNFP, INTP, and this last one, an ISFJ. Vastly different personalities. They all, however, had varying degrees of parentals who repeatedly engaged in boundary violations. The first two were working themselves to separate themselves from that, the last one? Well. I'm here. Let us leave it at that. Different personalities, but similar issues.

 

2) I would not have sucked the life out of him. His parents were successfully doing that without me. I was the one trying to do CPR on who he actually was. Do not make the mistake of assuming that he saved himself from having the life sucked out of him. That is what he went back to, not what he would have had from me.

 

3) I choose to take the risk of trusting and getting hurt. I choose to risk that I might meet someone as callous and now evil-hearted as you are purporting yourself to be, in hopes that I might eventually meet someone to be a life-long partner.

 

4) That is not stupidity. That is courage. It is a calculated risk I choose to take.

[L1ght]

Where all women are the same is how they behave when a relationship intensifies and the pressure between 2 lovers builds over a period of time.

This is pretty much the sum of it for me. It's like an automated switch that flicks on inside a womans mind after being with her for a certain period of time. She turns into a different person and she reacts differently to every single move you make that used to spawn a specific or certain kind of reaction. I have always found this infuriating and so damn frustrating.....I'm just not cut out for it but I've realised that questioning myself and questioning what I was doing wrong in this situation is the wrong strategy. I never did anything wrong and I'm not the one who spontaneously changes into somebody who needs something else to keep me content. This really does reflect every single woman on the planet. The longer a guy stays with her the more inevitable the demise of his sanity will be.

[L1ght]

1) Perhaps it is not personality that is the problem. Perhaps your particular emotional issues cause you to choose women with a similar issue, despite vastly different personalities, that does not allow them to be able to truly and closely bond with someone. I mean, heck. The men I have dated have respectively been in xNFP, INTP, and this last one, an ISFJ. Vastly different personalities. They all, however, had varying degrees of parentals who repeatedly engaged in boundary violations. The first two were working themselves to separate themselves from that, the last one? Well. I'm here. Let us leave it at that. Different personalities, but similar issues.

 

2) I would not have sucked the life out of him. His parents were successfully doing that without me. I was the one trying to do CPR on who he actually was. Do not make the mistake of assuming that he saved himself from having the life sucked out of him. That is what he went back to, not what he would have had from me.

 

3) I choose to take the risk of trusting and getting hurt. I choose to risk that I might meet someone as callous and now evil-hearted as you are purporting yourself to be, in hopes that I might eventually meet someone to be a life-long partner.

 

4) That is not stupidity. That is courage. It is a calculated risk I choose to take.

well you're only hurt because he dumped you first. Fair play to that guy for being smart.

good luck with being courageous or whatever and I'm sure there will be more opportunities for you on the horizon.

[AnyaNova]

well you're only hurt because he dumped you first. Fair play to that guy for being smart.

good luck with being courageous or whatever and I'm sure there will be more opportunities for you on the horizon.

 

Smart? He wounded himself as much or more than he wounded me. Tell me, then, what did he spare himself by dumping me? What pain was lessened for him?

 

Hmm.

 

I notice when I make some points that might really have some merit, you choose not to respond to them.

 

Here is an idea. How about before making any important life decisions, such as, I won't invest and will cut and run before I get hurt all the time, you contemplate healing first.

 

When you are in any stage of the breakup grieving process other than recovered or very nearly so, you are in NO position to be making large scale life decisions. Your brain's function is seriously impaired during this time.

 

Take the time. Grieve. Heal. Put this decision on the shelf for a while. Leave it as an option if you really really need it.

 

And then wait.

 

Because once you are healed, once you have realized that you are strong enough to survive this again, once you identify whatever the similar thread is in the women you choose (whether personality, emotional issues, choosing physical to the extreme detriment of the intellectual/mental/emotional) so that you can make a different choice, you might find after time and healing that you don't need this option.

 

And furthermore, that you don't want it.

[L1ght]

Smart? He wounded himself as much or more than he wounded me. Tell me, then, what did he spare himself by dumping me? What pain was lessened for him?

 

Hmm.

 

I notice when I make some points that might really have some merit, you choose not to respond to them.

 

Here is an idea. How about before making any important life decisions, such as, I won't invest and will cut and run before I get hurt all the time, you contemplate healing first.

 

When you are in any stage of the breakup grieving process other than recovered or very nearly so, you are in NO position to be making large scale life decisions. Your brain's function is seriously impaired during this time.

 

Take the time. Grieve. Heal. Put this decision on the shelf for a while. Leave it as an option if you really really need it.

 

And then wait.

 

Because once you are healed, once you have realized that you are strong enough to survive this again, once you identify whatever the similar thread is in the women you choose (whether personality, emotional issues, choosing physical to the extreme detriment of the intellectual/mental/emotional) so that you can make a different choice, you might find after time and healing that you don't need this option.

 

And furthermore, that you don't want it.

I chose not to respond to certain things you said because I find it insulting that you ignored my clearly stated point that I absolutely do not only go for one type of woman. This is always the viewpoint that women like you use when faced with my absolute belief that at a certain time in a relationship all women follow a particular pattern that I have seen a million times over. I refuse to see it any other way because if I or anybody on the planet only ever went for "one type of person" how damn dull would mine or anybody else's life on this earth be?

No! Bullcrap, absolutely not. I have been with all kinds and I'm sure you have too. Accept my belief in this or we have nothing else left to discuss.

Edited November 29, 2013 by L1ght

[AnyaNova]

I chose not to respond to certain things you said because I find it insulting that you ignored my clearly stated point that I absolutely do not only go for one type of woman. This is always the viewpoint that women like you use when faced with my absolute belief that at a certain time in a relationship all women follow a particular pattern that I have seen a million times over. I refuse to see it any other way because if I or anybody on the planet only ever went for "one type of person" how damn dull would mine or anybody else's life on this earth be?

No! Bullcrap, absolutely not. I have been with all kinds and I'm sure you have too. Accept my belief in this or we have nothing else left to discuss.

 

But as I pointed out, vastly different types can have similar base emotional issues that could be similarities that you haven't even seen yet because you haven't taken the time to think about. You are actually quite successfully completely ignoring my point, rather than me ignoring yours. I acknowledged yours and then extended the idea.

 

As to the bolded, I am partaking of this conversation by choice. Frankly, I knew that arguing with you was pointless from the beginning. It is not you, sadly, that I think I have any chance of reaching. But my point is, is that because I am participating by choice, you have no place commanding me to accept or reject anything. I will accept or reject what I accept or reject by my own choice. You cannot have any control over that. I think you want to cling to the belief that it is not possible that you could have an attraction to women of many different personality types with similar emotional issues, because than your justification for your position is gone.

 

Then you have to face the scary reality that perhaps

 

a) The world is not as easily and comfortably predictable as you might want it to be, which means that though the next roll of the dice might be your winning one, you also might arbitrarily get hurt again, and perhaps by someone who meant you well and did not wish to hurt you.

 

b) That you, yourself, might need to change in order to have a successful long term relationship or life-long relationship.

 

c) That your worst enemy might be your own bitterness and hatred.

 

But as I said, you have clearly expressed your intention to be adamant in this. It is not you I am hoping to convince. I wish that I could convince you. But know that it is highly unlikely.

[L1ght]

hi L1ght,

 

how, pray tell? this is impossible. are you on a course to end things when they begin to seem happy? does that make any sense?

 

i commiserate with this. but in my case i left the relationship. he never would have, even as we both became more & more miserable together. this tells me this is not a gender issue, as L1ght claims. in my case, my bf's misery sucked the life out of me.

 

more men suffer after divorce than women. twice as many, some say.

 

when this thread started out i agreed with your argument & thought the negative responses just didn't understand.

 

but i see underneath was a seething disdain for an entire gender. not all women or all men are life-sucking or whatever. that's not a gender issue, that's a personality issue.

 

but i think you'd do well to wonder why so many more men than women suffer after break up.

 

i wouldn't normally consider it a gender issue, but research tends to point to men suffering from lack of self-care, & while on the surface your new leaf has some appeal to me & i live happily in a similar way as a woman, what you've revealed as your reasoning shows a self-destructive death drive.

 

 

 

 

j

I think that generally the ones who suffer more after break ups are the ones who get dumped. Funny how its more men who suffer after break-ups isn't it? We hold on too long and believe in our partners when we should have spotted the warning signs and ran a mile in the opposite direction. Plus modern society plays a big part in it. Women are the prize, they are the ones who are pursued. Its us guys who have to do the leg work and show more interest to get interest back and this absolutely contributes to the often initially one-sided balance in a relationship until things become more official. Its hard finding the right balance with a girl sometimes....give too much and we seem to eager, give too little and it seems like we don't care. It really is quite an achievement when all the pieces fall into place for us and we manage to win you over with our efforts but the glory only lasts until you become indecisive and unsure about what you want in life. Then a guy has to start all over again and hope he makes the right moves at the right time to keep the fires of love burning inside your ever dwindling hearts......ugh how tiresome. Some guys are born to keep changing along with his female partners ever changing demands and needs but I aint one of those guys so a different approach to relationships and love is what I need.

[AnyaNova]

hi L1ght,

 

how, pray tell? this is impossible. are you on a course to end things when they begin to seem happy? does that make any sense?

 

Only to someone who has been severely wounded. So wounded that they cannot conceive that the other person would do anything but leave them as soon as they discover who the wounded person thinks "they really are."

 

i commiserate with this. but in my case i left the relationship. he never would have, even as we both became more & more miserable together. this tells me this is not a gender issue, as L1ght claims. in my case, my bf's misery sucked the life out of me.

 

It was sucking the life out of me as well. Seeing him tear himself a new one because of something his parents said and worried about, when he was working as hard as he could and doing the best that he could, and all the conversations trying to suss out what he actually wanted and needed apart from them. He knew, he even admitted that he had a terrible time separating his own from theirs. But he was such a rare and exquisitely wonderful person that I wasn't going to give up on him. Even to the point of our "last meeting."

 

more men suffer after divorce than women. twice as many, some say.

 

when this thread started out i agreed with your argument & thought the negative responses just didn't understand.

 

but i see underneath was a seething disdain for an entire gender. not all women or all men are life-sucking or whatever. that's not a gender issue, that's a personality issue.

 

but i think you'd do well to wonder why so many more men than women suffer after break up.

 

i wouldn't normally consider it a gender issue, but research tends to point to men suffering from lack of self-care, & while on the surface your new leaf has some appeal to me & i live happily in a similar way as a woman, what you've revealed as your reasoning shows a self-destructive death drive.

 

I don't know why, but I saw the seething gender issues from the beginning. Men do suffer more in the wake of breakups of all types, not just divorce. A web search will confirm that. There are only a couple easily findable websites that will make the argument that women suffer more. The largest majority know and cite the recent research into the subject.

 

I suspect the OP might in fact be having relational difficulty centered more around his disdain for the gender he is attempting to relate with, rather than any particular evil regarding that particular gender.

 

It is sad that he can't see the possibility. I think a simple re-evaluation of his attitudes on women, and some re-education might end up with a much more successful attempt.

[JoelBarish]

I wasn't going to bother posting in this thread because it is so polarizing. L1ght and some others feel one way, Anyanova and some others feel completely the opposite...

 

L1ght I get what you are saying man. I've been hurt MANY times by women and believe me there were times I had nothing but hateful opinions towards women and I felt it was justified because well, I saw it as reality.

 

I also get what you are saying about having only casual relationships. Sometimes I feel that I'm not cut out for emotional relationships and would be better off having purely physical relationships so I don't get hurt.

 

But come on man, why would you want to go around hurting other people emotionally? I can understand having a casual relationship with both people understanding the situation by why try to hurt others emotionally just because they are women?

 

Do you really think all women are evil? So it's men = good because we have penises and women = bad because they have vaginas? Or perhaps you think it's because of societal programming? Or hormones?

 

You know it doesn't really matter what you are basing your opinion on. You are so set in your beliefs that nothing that is said is going to sway you...

 

As you said...

 

Accept my belief in this or we have nothing else left to discuss.

 

So if you didn't want debate, why did you even make this thread? Were you hoping that everyone would agree with you and praise you for your "enlightenment"?

[Never Again]

Anya,

 

I'd suggest leaving this battle.

 

He's wants to live in fear. Oh, there will be pleasure, but running away out of self preservation?

 

Total scaredy cat maneuver. Let him "commend" those who refuse to be vulnerable - it's an act of bravery that many choose to avoid.

 

He's attempting to make his decision to convert to the dark side of heartbreak seem logical and sound. Just leave him to his bitterness - he'll mask it as being "illuminated". It's not worth your time to argue with him.

 

As Yoda said, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

[L1ght]

But as I pointed out, vastly different types can have similar base emotional issues that could be similarities that you haven't even seen yet because you haven't taken the time to think about. You are actually quite successfully completely ignoring my point, rather than me ignoring yours. I acknowledged yours and then extended the idea.

 

As to the bolded, I am partaking of this conversation by choice. Frankly, I knew that arguing with you was pointless from the beginning. It is not you, sadly, that I think I have any chance of reaching. But my point is, is that because I am participating by choice, you have no place commanding me to accept or reject anything. I will accept or reject what I accept or reject by my own choice. You cannot have any control over that. I think you want to cling to the belief that it is not possible that you could have an attraction to women of many different personality types with similar emotional issues, because than your justification for your position is gone.

 

Then you have to face the scary reality that perhaps

 

a) The world is not as easily and comfortably predictable as you might want it to be, which means that though the next roll of the dice might be your winning one, you also might arbitrarily get hurt again, and perhaps by someone who meant you well and did not wish to hurt you.

 

b) That you, yourself, might need to change in order to have a successful long term relationship or life-long relationship.

 

c) That your worst enemy might be your own bitterness and hatred.

 

But as I said, you have clearly expressed your intention to be adamant in this. It is not you I am hoping to convince. I wish that I could convince you. But know that it is highly unlikely.

It was a very simple demand. Accept that I don't believe that I only go for one type of woman. I don't go for one type of woman and never have. I'm attracted to all kinds so your argument is non applicable in my case.

[AnyaNova]

Anya,

 

I'd suggest leaving this battle.

 

He's wants to live in fear. Oh, there will be pleasure, but running away out of self preservation?

 

Total scaredy cat maneuver. Let him "commend" those who refuse to be vulnerable - it's an act of bravery that many choose to avoid.

 

He's attempting to make his decision to convert to the dark side of heartbreak seem logical and sound. Just leave him to his bitterness - he'll mask it as being "illuminated". It's not worth your time to argue with him.

 

As Yoda said, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

 

I knew from the beginning that persuading him was a near impossibility. It is not him I am attempting to convince. Rather, the men reading this who might be considering the idea, but not fully swayed.

[Never Again]

I chose not to respond to certain things you said because I find it insulting that you ignored my clearly stated point that I absolutely do not only go for one type of woman. This is always the viewpoint that women like you use when faced with my absolute belief that at a certain time in a relationship all women follow a particular pattern that I have seen a million times over. I refuse to see it any other way because if I or anybody on the planet only ever went for "one type of person" how damn dull would mine or anybody else's life on this earth be?

No! Bullcrap, absolutely not. I have been with all kinds and I'm sure you have too. Accept my belief in this or we have nothing else left to discuss.

 

Just because the women you've dated are "different" does not mean that they don't share core, defective personality traits that make them poor choices for relationships.

 

 

He wasn't interested in debate from what I can see. He wanted to get up on his soap box about how he'll become a serial monogamist to avoid future pain, as if he's made some great revelation.

 

I also see where he's coming from, but I also see the foolishness in the plan.

 

Casual dating? Sure! Totally for that...but purposefully hiding that it's casual to avoid these wily women he so vilifies and fears? Claiming that he'll be manipulated if they catch wind of his plans and intentions? Wanting to keep the door open for a real opportunity if he decided he wanted it, but reserving the right to bail?

 

These are all risks inherent in relationships anyway, but he has a purposefully Machiavellian approach that was bound to rub people the wrong way.