I'm done...now what?

[jls22]

I've been lurking here for quite some time and I appreciate all the advice I've already found. So I wanted to share my story, and will take any further advice you all have.

 

About 4 years ago, I told my husband I wanted a divorce, he is a very negative person, was falling into depression and we were like roommates. He wouldn't do anything with me, wouldn't help around the house or with the kids and was in his own world. I still loved him but couldn't live in that environment any longer. I asked him to go to counseling and he refused, but he didn't want to end the marriage. I then told him I thought we should do a trial separation and he said no way, he wasn't going to do that and only then agreed to go to counseling. We went to counseling every week for 6 months and things really started to change. He became a happier more positive person. Began helping around home, our love life became better and we felt like a couple again.

 

Then things began to go downhill again, slowly but steadily. He went right back to the same, only this time he retreated even further into himself, so much so that he stopped sleeping in the bed with me. Barely kissed me or hugged me and would only come into the bedroom for sex and then go to the couch to sleep. I felt completely used, unloved and wanted out. I was set to tell him again that I wanted a divorce, only a year after I already had when I found out I was pregnant. I was devastated, I had wanted another child for years but not at this point. I knew this meant I had to stay. Luckily once I saw my baby on the ultrasound I was ok with it, he became real to me. My husband however showed barely an interest in the baby. Didn't go to any of the appts except the one that I begged and begged for him to go, hoping that by him seeing the baby on the screen he would finally come around. It didn't happen. Fast forward a year and I had had enough, he had not slept in the same bed as me for 2 years now, by this point I was no longer in love, no longer wanted to work at the marriage. We both seemed miserable and what kind of life was that to show our kids, I told him I wanted a divorce. He was shocked! Which I totally did not expect.

 

For the last 2 months he has been doing everything and anything he can to keep me. He wants to go to counseling this time, he says I woke him up and he will never go back to his old ways. I find it hard to believe since we have already been through all this. This time is totally different for me, I don't love him anymore, I don't want to work on it anymore, I am totally done, I've checked out already and I am just sticking it out through the holidays for our children and planning to file in January. I have told him all of this but he refuses to accept it. He begs me every day to love him, begs me to kiss and hug him, begs me to stop being cold to him and try to work it out. He suddenly wants to sell our home and build a house (a dream I've always had) he thinks it will fix everything, I know it won't. He says he'll take me back even if I leave and he wants to have a place for me to come back to.

 

I don't know what to do at this point, I don't want to ruin the kids holidays by moving out now, I only have a little over a month to make it through. But I feel so mean by not playing out the charade for him, by kissing him and telling him I love him like we always have. I just can't force myself to do it anymore.

[Movingforward2]

Coming from someone that was your husband 4 months ago, I would ask that you pray and forgive him, and give him another chance. The "filing" of the divorce was an awakening for me, and although I've agreed to everything.......I'm not 100% convinced my wife wants to go through with it. It is very hard on all parties involved. My wife filed the day after our 7 year anniversary and the week after we got back from vacation with our kids. She didn't want to "ruin their vacation"...........Same situation that you are in.

 

I'm telling you, he will do whatever to keep his family. I know that I am. It's much easier to try again, then put yourself through the hell of the divorce. I know, I'm in the middle of it right now.

[GuyInLimbo]

I disagree with movingforward. You're done. He pushed you past the point where there's no return. I understand some people believe in prayer, but to me that's nonsense (no offense meant to anyone). And I'm sure his begging is even more of a turn off.

 

I completely understand the conflict over what to do over the holidays. I've been "trying" to end things on my end the past few weeks and now I've backed myself into a corner, too. Unsure what do to.

 

You don't have to move out right away, but you CAN get the process started.

[Movingforward2]

You don't have to force anything. If you are posting on a forum, you aren't 100% sure what you want to do, but you don't want to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. The counseling won't work if you don't "buy in", but maybe hear him out in front of a 3rd party before you blow things up.

 

It's worth it to try and keep trying. Not for the kids, but for you and him. You deserve to be happy, and it will be a hell of a lot easier trying to be happier with someone you know versus someone brand new, or on your own. Life is too short. You are thinking entirely negative right now, and anything he says is probably going to push you further away (according to everything on this site), however if you take him seriously and take him up on the offer for counciling, you can save this deal. It's all a mindset. Nothing and I mean NOTHING is beyond not being repaired. A lot of people on this forum are negative thinkers, but the people begging for a 2nd chance. I know I was one of them, and at some point, think I will get one. Might be after this divorce, but I know I will get one.

 

GIL,

While you might "disagree" if you are "unsure what to do", you aren't 100% done either. Not judging you because you can do your own thing, but if you are even "thinking about what to do"..........then you aren't all in. Because if you were, you would KNOW what to do.

[alonefornow]

For the last 2 months he has been doing everything and anything he can to keep me. He wants to go to counseling this time, he says I woke him up and he will never go back to his old ways. I find it hard to believe since we have already been through all this. This time is totally different for me, I don't love him anymore, I don't want to work on it anymore, I am totally done, I've checked out already and I am just sticking it out through the holidays for our children and planning to file in January. I have told him all of this but he refuses to accept it. He begs me every day to love him, begs me to kiss and hug him, begs me to stop being cold to him and try to work it out. He suddenly wants to sell our home and build a house (a dream I've always had) he thinks it will fix everything, I know it won't. He says he'll take me back even if I leave and he wants to have a place for me to come back to.

 

Has he really done anything? You say he wants to go to counseling. Has he spoken with any counselors? Has he checked your insurance to see what kind of benefits you both have? Even if you're not wanting to do MC has he scheduled IC?

 

He's begging you to show him affection. That's not trying to fix anything. He should be begging you to let him know what you need from him, and he should be doing it. Gladly. That would be trying to fix things.

 

Selling a home and building one is an incredibly huge undertaking. To suggest a project of that magnitude in an attempt to fix a relationship is irresponsible at best.

 

But I feel so mean by not playing out the charade for him, by kissing him and telling him I love him like we always have. I just can't force myself to do it anymore.

 

This might just be some of my own issues coming up, but to me the meanest thing anyone can do (both to their partner, and themselves!) is tell someone they love them when they don't. Our own individual brands of love are more or less why we're all here, and sometimes I wonder if we'd even need this forum if people never felt the need to tell someone they love them when they don't.

 

Good luck to you!

[lollipopspot]

I was set to tell him again that I wanted a divorce, only a year after I already had when I found out I was pregnant. I was devastated, I had wanted another child for years but not at this point. I knew this meant I had to stay. Luckily once I saw my baby on the ultrasound I was ok with it, he became real to me...

 

I think you made a deal here to keep the baby but stay in a marriage you didn't want.

 

For the last 2 months he has been doing everything and anything he can to keep me. He wants to go to counseling this time, he says I woke him up and he will never go back to his old ways. I find it hard to believe since we have already been through all this. This time is totally different for me, I don't love him anymore, I don't want to work on it anymore, I am totally done, I've checked out already and I am just sticking it out through the holidays for our children and planning to file in January. I have told him all of this but he refuses to accept it. He begs me every day to love him, begs me to kiss and hug him, begs me to stop being cold to him and try to work it out.

 

He's trying. I personally think you owe it to your kids to try harder. That's just my value, because I see that often divorced parents start dating and bringing their new partners and other children into their original kids' lives, and that often doesn't work out well. Maybe if you two agreed to live close to each other, cordially share custody, and not date, it would work out, but I don't see that happening for many people.

 

Children change everything. If you didn't have children I would say get out yesterday.

[thedude1974]

I can tell you for a fact that some (most?) men only wake up when they are hit with a brick on the head.

 

Your husband has asked you for one more chance, consider giving it to him, those loving feelings can gradually return, but let him know (I think he does too), that you are serious about divorcing.

 

I think this is your marriage in a nutshell, watch it until the end, food for thought ...

 

 

 

 

Best of luck to you.

Edited November 27, 2013 by thedude1974

[30andsad]

I can tell you for a fact that some (most?) men only wake up when they are hit with a brick on the head.

 

 

Best of luck to you.

 

I concur here 100%, I certainly did. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance...

[Grumpybutfun]

jls:

Be strong, jls, and keep to your plans to leave. For your children, stay until the holidays are over. As you process things and plan, take care of yourself emotionally. It sounds like this isn't a second chance but a fifth, tenth, or fortieth chance. He tends to be good for 5-6 months and then goes back to his old ways. Unfortunately, living your life waiting for the other shoe to drop due to past behavior doesn't make for a pleasant or a safe marriage for someone who feels they have to hold everything together all the time alone for their kids. Love isn't something someone has to force, but something that sprouts from kindness and emotional interaction. He only interacts when you want to leave. Tiring and insulting to you as a wife and mother.

I can understand why you are done, and I applaud you on seeking a better life. Second chances are fine if the other person becomes committed to the marriage and working on the issues, but after that you are a fool to keep running into the same brick wall and not expect the same outcomes.

Working on marriage everyday is what keeps it strong. I can't blame you for wanting to get away from someone who only works on it when you are leaving. The quality of your life is going to suffer as a result and being alone would be better than being with someone who runs from the marital bed after sex with you. I find that debasing to you.

It is not healthy for children to watch such dynamics. For those here who are advising you due to their own marital problems, ask yourself if you really want advice from people like your husband who now want to work and make their spouses happy after they have damaged their own relationships.

As someone who works everyday to be the man my wife needs, I find it insulting that twentieth chance men think they deserve women who keep homes, marriages and children together alone. I think my wife deserves the best, and hopefully one day you will find a man, or even yourself who feels that way too. Mistakes aren't lifestyle choices, so your husband who has done therapy is fully aware of what he is doing and has shown that he doesn't have the integrity or the intestinal fortitude to be who you need. I don't see the point in living your life paying for your husband's inability to be a husband over and over again because he tries for a few months when he is scared you are going to make him move out and you are going to call a lawyer. Jan. 1st call a good lawyer and ask him to move out. Start the new year focusing on yourself and your kids instead of trying to emotionally carry your husband into a new year because he is unable to carry himself. He had 6 months of counseling and he still went back to his old ways...what more do you need to be comfortable with moving on without him?

You already hit your husband's head with a brick several times and in a very strong way and he reverted so you did what you could to give him his chances. He failed. Again.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited November 29, 2013 by Grumpybutfun