Ex gf broke no contact - I'm lost

[greenflower]

Hi folks,

 

Like many, I'm heartbroken. I've been dating this girl for 8 months and I love her more than anything. She is mentally ill, suffers from schizophrenia, depression and social anxiety disorder. She has never been easy to be with and I know it would be best for me to let her go and move on with my life. I gave her everything and treated her like a princess but these last few months she's been walking all over me. I've really done it good, and all my friends and family tell me to get the **** out because she is completely crazy and irrational, selfish, immature and lacks empathy. I don't feel like I'm being weak or a pussy, I'm simply trying to help, listen and support her. I feel so mistreated, used and taken for granted. She broke up with me twice in the past, but always came back a few days later saying she had made a huge mistake. She just doesn't recognize all I do for her, and isn't grateful for my love whatsoever. She never compromises and whenever there's a problem she just shuts down and wants to leave the relationship. She's always avoiding intimacy, like lying down in bed and talk and stuff. Such a bad and unhealthy relationship. I'm accepting her as she is while she always criticizes me and tries to change me. I recently got her to finally start seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Still, she has so many good sides and I love so much about her.

 

Ok so she broke up with me 2 months ago, saying that we hurt each other all the time (i don't understand what I do to hurt her, but whenever she gives a reason it's utterly irrational and makes no sense to anyone). I cornered her and she said that she just is a bad person that uses guys because she can't be alone, and that she didn't really love anyone in life besides her best friend who did the same as her and could understand her. She said she wanted to date other people to find one more suited to her, to have fun, that I couldn't understand her. She said we should be friends. I said no, and we still had sex after a break. She was heartbroken and cried a lot. She said she wanted to be free, and that it should be her choice whether or not she wanted to do things with other men. She told me she didn't mean what she said, and only said it so I would leave her, because she couldn't make a decision, and it was better for me. She said she was so sorry that she was so ****ed up and that I was an amazing guy, that she wished it could work. We decided to try one last time. We still loved each other. For two weeks it was really amazing, fun and the chemistry was great. Then one morning she said to me that she was now sure, I was the one, she loved me and wanted us to be a couple. I answered that I needed a couple of days to decide (I wanted to see if she would do something crazy again before comiting). The next day she was feeling depressed, and we went to bed after watching a movie, I watched her fall asleep thinking she was so cute and beautiful. The next day cold shoulder, no news from her for 24 hours. Then she says I was so disrespectful and inconsiderate because I looked at her while she was falling asleep, that I couldn't understand her and that she was tired of always having to explain everything to me in details. She said to me I was way to intense when I tried to explain it was out of love. She said that we needed a break. That she was so hurt that I didn't instantly answer I also wanted to be a couple again. It took her 3 weeks to decide that and I'm not allowed to ask for a few days, what the ****. I didn't understand where it came from, she was so angry at me. Then she said to me that the next day she was gonna go on a date with a guy she had met in town. I told her not to do it. That is so mean, I don't understand why she had to tell me that.

 

Two days later I get a text saying she can't do this anymore, that we keep hurting each other and she didn't have the energy for it. That she needs to work on herself before she can work on a relationship, so she has decided to move on. Following that, 2 weeks of no contact, then I get a text saying I left clothes at her place. I make an sms agreement to get them back, and then I text her that my friend is gonna pick up the things. 10min before, she cancels, and when my friends goes anyway, she tells him she cancelled because she wanted to see me. My friend gave her a letter I wrote in which I agreed on the break up saying it was best, was firm and proud and kept my dignity. I asked for no more contact. I was heartbroken, completely down, crying everyday. Then 1 or 2 more weeks of no contact and I'm starting to get songs on facebook, saying how much she hurts, misses me, can't forget about me. Another song about a depressed trying to be saved by a boy that loves her... So I decided to block her because it was hurting me. Couple of days later I get a text on my phone saying "I will always miss you a lot...". Now I don't know what to think or do.

 

At first glance she seems like a bitch, and that's what everybody tells me, in addition to the fact that she doesn't care about me and is just using me. But I know her and I just can't believe she is like that. I really truly love her, it's been so hard on me.

 

Does that text mean she is playing with me ? I can't stop having hope for us. I should let her go, but I can't... What should I do, I feel like I can't move on until I know whether or not she truly doesn't love and want me, or if she really feels hurt and misunderstood and hence tries to protect herself ? I'm an amazing guy, and I know I'm worth and deserve way more than how she treats me.

My friends all say I'm a blind fool.

 

I must admit I secretly want to come back realizing that she made a mistake because I love her, and I feel that it's what I deserve !

 

On the other hand I want to write her to leave me alone, by sending this, I'm finally getting myself back, and my old self doesn't take **** from anybody :

 

"I won't. You made your choices, and now you have to stop contacting me in any way. You're immature, grow up, in many aspects. I'm not a ****ing doormat nor any backup plan, neither am I option B, C nor D-. I'm option A+++. You didn't want it, so get out of my life."

 

Should I just keep the NC or should I send the message.

 

Help

[Lola Roberts]

I think you should put this on a shelf for a year. Go out, have a good time and in a year, look at it again if you want to. You can tell her you're doing this. Just sai it's all too emotional at the moment and that in a year, when the dust has settled and you've both got some perspective, you might be able to meet to discuss things.

[Zahara]

Please stay NC. It is the only way to remove yourself from this.

 

On one hand you say you need to know if she loves you, then on the other hand you identify her as, "she is completely crazy and irrational, selfish, immature and lacks empathy. I don't feel like I'm being weak or a pussy, I'm simply trying to help, listen and support her. I feel so mistreated, used and taken for granted."

 

I'm sorry but "love" doesn't treat someone like that and therefore, it's futile to want to know how she feels for you when she treats you that way. Can you not correlate her actions to your question? You want to tell her she is immature and to grow up? -- she has a mental disorder. That won't go away.

 

I think you're very much in denial. I don't think you are capable of dealing with her schizophrenia, depression and social anxiety disorder -- and if you do, it will be at the expense of tearing yourself apart. Her issues aren't issues that can't be fixed overnight and there isn't even a guarantee that she can change.

[InnocentMan]

Being with someone with a serious mental health problem is a tough gig for anyone. It rarely gets better, or less dramatic. It's your decision if this is the type of relationship that you want. You can love someone, and still leave them for your own well-being. It's nothing to feel guilt about.

[fixing]

Wow, this made me very sad to read. I never like to hear of anyone being in such emotional pain, and because she has serious mental health issues i cannot judge her as a bad person for the **** she has put you through.

I really think, what is needed is a very long break away from this situation. This is very VERY unhealthy for you. you seem like a solid great guy, and she is stupid to not see what she is losing.

 

I just dont know if you stay completely no contact as of from now, or do you message her to say that you need a long break away from her, completely NC.

 

You know her best, its your choice. Maybe you need to explain, that you need 100% no contact from her for an extended period.

 

But you do need a serious time out from that madness or you may find your self suffering from mental illness. Is she being treated as an outpatient for the Schizophrenia? Hope so, hope she receives all the meds and help you she can get.

[Logan oO]

You don't want her back deep down, my ex was exactly the same, it was like dating two people, one nice and loving and then the alter ego comes out of no where with nothing but hate and blame.

 

You 'want' her back because it's familiar and comfortable, believe me i've been through that phase, but you have to be strong enough to realize that person made you unhappy.

Yes you may have had some really happy and loved up times, but NO ONE should ever have to have a part-time partner. LOVE is not PART TIME. you don't play with someones feelings.

 

My advice bro, let it go. It's easier than a life of walking on egg shells with some 'broken' woman. I say that speaking from experience of being tossed aside and dumped over night 7-8 times in three years. NO MORE! I am out of that, whether she ever wants to talk to me again or not. I am done being a doormat!

 

New Year - New Start Bro

[greenflower]

Thanks for answering... I really truly appreciate the advice and insight.

Edited November 25, 2013 by greenflower

[greenflower]

I'n not kidding when I say I love her. That's why it's so hard. If not, I would have left long ago. I'm 27 and it's the first time I fall in love, and this is my second relationship. I accept her how she is and see her in a positive and beautiful light, always trying cheer her up, making her feel good and telling her she is amazing when she is down thinking she is a bad person and that nobody likes her. I try to be there when she needs me and give her space at the same time. I really cherished and protected her. Been so unselfish that I lost myself, putting her needs and person ahead of mine, because she is so emotionally unstable and it makes me sad. I put my independence and values aside. When I'm not around she says I don't care and she can't believe how selfish I am, and when I'm there she says I'm suffocating her and have no independence. I've helped her with her school work, with her job, took care of her when she was sick, helped her move, etc. The list goes on, and on.

 

You are right, I don't get what I want from this relationship, actually I feel like I don't get anything, especially not the love I'm looking for.

I can accept a lot and compromise, and never feel the need to criticize because I am patient, open minded and realize that simple things are important and that life isn't eternal. I just don't understand how she can behave that way towards me after all we've been through. I wish she would realize how important I am, and how much I've done for her over the months. I deserve that ! I do ! Instead she blames me and says it's my fault. It makes me so sad.

 

I loved her since the day I first saw her, out of the blue in a shop in town while she was working... I love her face, her smile, sounds, expressions, body, tastes, interests, personality...

I still genuinely love her, for some reason I can't shake it even though I've been battling it for the past month.

Over the course of the last two years I've lost the two most important persons in my life, first my mom and now her. It may not be comparable, but it feels more or less the same for the time being.

 

I guess I have no choice, I have to cut all contact in order to save myself...

[PharaohABQ]

People keep saying NC is the way to go to cut her off and out of your life, to let yourself heal and sort out your own feelings. I disagree, Perhaps these people all have more experience than I do. But really to me this really looks like you've lost track of who YOU are! "You", not "You with her", yourself, who are you, who were you before you met her, What did you like to do and what should you be doing to improve yourself and make yourself happy? That's probably why she's feeling so drained saying you've both been hurt, it's not just her, it's you. You need to focus on who "you" are and how not to lose yourself to a relationship. Love is not giving, Love is Sharing. Learn that difference and Share yourself, not Give yourself. That's the whole idea of NC in my Book, is to allow yourself to see who "you" are away from the relationship. You need to be happy on your own, without a relationship to be happy IN a relationship, Sharing yourself Equally rather than giving away the farm. that's part of being secure and confident. So take a good look at yourself, what have you improved, and what can you work on. What will make you happy? You don't get unlimited chances. If you think you can be the same person with somebody as you are without, then I'd start talking again. Be happy with or without them, but just be your own person.

[greenflower]

Are you saying I'm partly responsible for the relationship failure ? Not sure I can even start to agree on that.

 

Being with someone like that just drained and left no space for me. She constantly had to destroy the trust I had in her. I had to bend over backwards. If I hadn't, the relationship would have ended long ago. I have been the only one trying for a while now...

 

I know what to do and how to improve myself, to be honest it's nice to have time and not have the burden of constantly worrying about her and her moods.

 

Still love her though, she was my treasure, I just hoped I would be hers also.

 

ps: I ****ing don't know why she says I keep hurting her. I haven't done a single thing to hurt. Bull****! Makes me cry.

Edited November 25, 2013 by greenflower

[panoramicview]

I think I can help you understand a little bit about her saying you've hurt her. I have dealt with depression and have certain traits of someone with BPD. It is all about perception. She perceives things that seem normal to others as being painful to her. They may relate to experiences in her past. People with mental illnesses do not have normal or healthy filters to see the reality of situations. They only see how the situation made them feel and any person who could cause such a feeling must have had the intention to cause pain.

 

Of course, I do not know the specifics of your situation and what I've written may not apply. It could also be by saying that you've hurt her, she feels a right to criticize you and justify her actions. Only she knows the answer to this, though.

[greenflower]

I always told her that if she felt hurt, then it wasn't on purpose. That I wanted her to know, that I loved her no matter what, and that I would be there for her.

 

Still she never wanted to communicated her pains, never wanted to make me understand, saying I couldn't understand anything and she was tired of having to explain. I said that that's how a relationship worked especially when you don't know each other that well. I told her to talk to me so I could learn to deal with it in a proper way in the future. Still, she preferred to shut down and run when I was trying yo be mature and supportive.

 

I think I'm gonna send this, and move on with my life :

 

"I won't. You made your choices, and now you have to stop contacting me in any way. You're selfish and immature, grow up, in many aspects. I'm not a ****ing doormat nor any backup plan, neither am I option B, C nor D-. I'm option A+++. You don't want it, so leave me alone."

 

Or bad idea ? She deserves it to be honest, and it's the real me, my values and principles talking.

Edited November 26, 2013 by greenflower

[panoramicview]

"I won't. You made your choices, and now you have to stop contacting me in any way. You're selfish and immature, grow up, in many aspects. I'm not a ****ing doormat nor any backup plan, neither am I option B, C nor D-. I'm option A+++. You don't want it, so leave me alone."

 

This message is not a good idea. What does it accomplish? Ignoring her contact will get your point across just fine. This message is as immature as her playing games. Don't place the responsibility on her to stop contacting you when you can just as easily block her.

[greenflower]

Well, as I see it, she needs to be told the reality of things. Fact is those things are true. I feel like she's unaware of what she's done.

 

On top of this, it's the real me speaking, my values and principles are talking talking. I have self-worth and I'm proud of who I am. Maybe the simple fact that it would make me feel better ?

 

And if on top of it, if it can start a process of pain and hurt in her, then even better. All the pain and suffering she put me through...

 

Hopefully one day she'll realize that she did let go of an amazing guy and made a mistake, and what comes around goes around.

[greenflower]

Gonna send that, and no contact forever.

 

"I won't. Why would I miss someone who kept rejecting me and not letting me in, when I was loving and committed. Waste of time and energy. You're selfish, immature and emotionally unavailable, grow up. You made your choices. I'm not a ****ing doormat nor any backup plan. Neither am I option B, C nor D-. I'm option A+++. You didn't want it, so now I have to ask you not to contact me in any way."

 

I don't see why I shouldn't do it. It's the objective and rational truth, and since I'm not gonna have this person in my life, who cares if she thinks I'm an idiot or what not. Don't see why not.

 

My true question is, why is sending this followed by no contact better than simply no contact ?

Edited November 26, 2013 by greenflower

[cavalier99]

Dont do it dude. Bad bad bad idea. Ive written simiar things to my ex but NEVER sent. You will damage your recovery severly and she wont give a rats ass. Just ride this out. OK? Cav

[nevergoodenough]

Gonna send that, and no contact forever.

 

"I won't. Why would I miss someone who kept rejecting me and not letting me in, when I was loving and committed. Waste of time and energy. You're selfish, immature and emotionally unavailable, grow up. You made your choices. I'm not a ****ing doormat nor any backup plan. Neither am I option B, C nor D-. I'm option A+++. You didn't want it, so now I have to ask you not to contact me in any way."

 

I don't see why I shouldn't do it. It's the objective and rational truth, and since I'm not gonna have this person in my life, who cares if she thinks I'm an idiot or what not. Don't see why not.

 

My true question is, why is sending this followed by no contact better than simply no contact ?

 

You are sounding crazy. If you write that, she will never again speak to you. If that's really what you want, go for it. I would suggest you just stop talking to her if that's what you want to do. No need to hurt someone you claim to love.

[greenflower]

Crazy ? It's just facts and rationality...

[Shaine]

I dont think you should sent it.

Why? I dont know exactly. It just feels wrong. Not because that message will hurt her, but because it will make you look bad and bitter and spiteful.

 

You should take the high road. I feel that you are full of anger right now, that's why you cant think clearly. That letter will lead to further arguments. Walk away with dignity. Just stop contacting her and that's it. Dissapear from her life. Silence has a much bigger impact.

[greenflower]

What I want is for her to miss me and realize she made a mistake, no matter if we get back together or not.

 

If that's not gonna happen, I can't see why sending this wouldn't be the way to go.

[greenflower]

After reading all these opinions, I'm leaning towards not sending anything.

 

I really hope you are in the fact that, silence has a much bigger impact.

[greenflower]

Exactly this :

 

Obsessing Over an Abusive Ex: Thoughts on Being Stuck | Shrink4Men

 

Now, high road (text + block) or low road (block), tough choice

[greenflower]

As I was dead set on moving on, in the right mindset...

 

The girl came by my place today, I didn't know, my roommate just said there was someone at the door, I had just woken up and went to the door clueless.

 

She said she had missed me for the past 38 days. That she was sorry she hurt me so much. And she had gifts, my favorite fruit as well as a painting we had made together.

 

I said she shouldn't had come and I wanted her to leave. She didn't leave. I repeated myself, but she kept saying she was sorry. I said I don't want any of your things, just go.

 

She finally left after 2 minutes, and in the bag there was 2 letters and well as a heart inside a small box.

 

Basically the letter was just an enumeration of what she missed about me.

 

It said : "I understand... You don't want me anymore..."

 

It also said, "We only accept the love we think we deserve" and "When you love someone, set them free."

 

It said she tried, but that the hopes and dreams of what we could have been were slowly fading away to the point where she couldn't see them anymore. That she tried to make it work but kept pushing me away.

 

It said she only wanted the best for me, and she realized it wasn't her. She was sorry she couldn't fight her demons.

 

If she wanted to set me free, she wouldn't have contacted me again, nor come to my house. Isn't that extremely selfish ?

 

I don't know what to think nor do... ****

[nevergoodenough]

As I was dead set on moving on, in the right mindset...

 

The girl came by my place today, I didn't know, my roommate just said there was someone at the door, I had just woken up and went to the door clueless.

 

She said she had missed me for the past 38 days. That she was sorry she hurt me so much. And she had gifts, my favorite fruit as well as a painting we had made together.

 

I said she shouldn't had come and I wanted her to leave. She didn't leave. I repeated myself, but she kept saying she was sorry. I said I don't want any of your things, just go.

 

She finally left after 2 minutes, and in the bag there was 2 letters and well as a heart inside a small box.

 

Basically the letter was just an enumeration of what she missed about me.

 

It said : "I understand... You don't want me anymore..."

 

It also said, "We only accept the love we think we deserve" and "When you love someone, set them free."

 

It said she tried, but that the hopes and dreams of what we could have been were slowly fading away to the point where she couldn't see them anymore. That she tried to make it work but kept pushing me away.

 

It said she only wanted the best for me, and she realized it wasn't her. She was sorry she couldn't fight her demons.

 

If she wanted to set me free, she wouldn't have contacted me again, nor come to my house. Isn't that extremely selfish ?

 

I don't know what to think nor do... ****

 

Sounds like it's turning around for you, I'm sure you will figure it out. I'm glad you are getting what you wanted though.

[greenflower]

I don't want to be used, taken for granted nor hurt again...

 

I don't know...