He told me he isn't in love with me

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

So, he broke up with me guys.

 

He said "I love you, but I'm not in love. I want to make you happy, but struggle to do so because it conflicts with what I feel. I needed to be honest with you."

 

I told him I would get my stuff and move out. But he said I could stay till I find a place to live. I know that would be too difficult, so I asked a friend if I could stay with her till I work things out with living arrangements.

 

This past weekend, I bought his Christmas present that I was so excited to buy him. I now have to return it. My plans for Christmas with him are out the window. I'm devastated, although I know this is the best thing for us. I would never want someone to stay with me when I'm not the one for them.

 

He also said, "You and I are just different. It's not different views of relationships, it's just that we are different people."

 

That broke my heart because he was like my best friend. We liked the same music, the outdoors, same activities, strawberry ice-cream and same sick humor we share. I thought he felt the same.

 

And then he continued to tell me he stayed because it seemed to make me happy. And I asked to clarify, "You stayed with me because it seemed to make me happy?" and he said, "Yes."

 

He said he still wants me in his life and loves me, but I can't offer him that piece of me anymore.

 

I now must start my journey without the one I thought would end it with me.

 

I will always love you babe.

[d0nnivain]

I'm so sorry. This is a tough time of year to have that happen.

 

 

You seem to be taking this maturely.

 

 

Hang in there.

[Zahara]

I'm sorry, Cotton. It is especially hard when this happens near the holidays. Just know that this will pass. You sound strong in your acceptance that you cannot have him your life the way he needs you to be. Most would go back for the crumbs. Living with your friend will be a good thing as you don't want to be alone when you feel this way. Stay strong. Post here.

[Never Again]

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

Good for you for pulling away and not allowing yourself to be hurt anymore.

 

I wish you luck.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Thank you so much everyone.

 

I will be okay, I have faith in that (I say that as I take frequent trips to the bathroom to cry).

 

I must endure this heavy ache in the meantime and sort out the issues I had in this relationship so I can better myself for the future ones.

 

I rest easy knowing that I now have the opportunity to meet a man who loves me as much as I love him and with that, I am happy.

 

This person I loved, I will never forget. He made me laugh and he never did anything to hurt me. I am thankful that I met him and got to spend 3 years of my life with him. There will be memories I will forever cherish. No one can take that away from me.

 

In times that bring us to our knees, we need to find the strength to lift ourselves up and keep going. It's okay to be sad, but don't let it become a burden to the precious gift of life.

 

"When someone walks away, let them, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you."

[Transplant]

I encourage you to stay strong during this tough time. Those are harsh words to hear but they are honest and respectful. I have heard them before and some of my relationships ended much in the same fashion; our exes (in these cases), gave it their best shot and stuck with it past the honeymoon stage.

 

You're strength and acceptance are encouraging to all of us, especially during these holiday times. We are here with you, Ms. Cotton.

[mammasita]

I feel your pain. Know that I went through the exact thing this time last year. The dreaded "love you but not in love with you". I didn't accept it as well as you seem to be doing but a year later I am fantastic.

 

Stay strong.

[Never Again]

Oracle's posts are a fantastic read if you need them.

 

That being said, I'd like to share a favorite quote about love:

 

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ― Louis de Bernières

 

Love is, when the chips are down, more about choice than feelings. Both are important, but one vastly more so.

 

Feelings truly are fleeting, and attraction ebbs and flows. Love, real love, it something you work at. It's not something you stand silently hoping to feel. That's why I hate the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you". It when, when all's said and done, a cop out.

 

I'm glad you're taking this so well. Far better than I did, and my relationship was only a third of the length.

Edited November 25, 2013 by Pfenixphire

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Thank you! It's hard being tough, but I need to be right now.

 

In a way, I feel a relief. Like my shoulders are lighter. Might be something called "shock" haha, but nonetheless, I'm eating it up for now.

 

I knew things weren't going well, you could tell from my past posts. I felt it. I could feel him distancing himself. I think I just wanted to know and I do now. I don't have to wonder or think about it anymore. I got my diagnosis and now I gotta plan for treatment. hehe

 

The only thing that really sucks is that all my stuff is at his home. So I have to see him to get it. I hope it goes well. I see him tomorrow. Aw shucks, I had my bathroom all cute and stuff. Shame I have to take it apart.

 

I told him that there will be no sex or touching each other while I'm in the process of moving out. I will have to stay with him a few days until I can get out of there. He didn't say anything back.

 

He really wants me to stay in his life, but I've learned the hard way that sometimes you don't' get what you want, same thing goes for dumpers.

[feelingtorn]

OMG, my ex told me the same things.

 

I am not in love with you.

I cannot love you the way you want me to.

You are not my soul mate, etc.

 

My thought was, no you can love me the way I deserve and want, but you are just refusing to do.

 

This was the part I had to accept. He did not love me like I did. It was a tough pill to swallow.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Very!

 

My heart burns and feels like a really cold burn.

 

I know this is stupid, but could I have done anything to prevent this from happening?

[Never Again]

He really wants me to stay in his life, but I've learned the hard way that sometimes you don't' get what you want, same thing goes for dumpers.

 

I wish I had been this adamant when I was dumped.

 

If anything, I was the one becoming more distant. She seemed just as into it as ever until the week before, and even then the change was very subtle.

 

I got very emotional, but refused to be friends. Still acted friendly when breadcrumbs came my way.

 

This may sound cold, but I'd suggest limiting contact as much as possible even when you're with him. Don't have post-BU conversations that will open the wounds wider.

[Never Again]

Very!

 

My heart burns and feels like a really cold burn.

 

I know this is stupid, but could I have done anything to prevent this from happening?

 

No. Only he could have.

 

He chose not to.

 

It's not on you. It's on him.

 

He doesn't want to be with you anymore, so give him that void as completely as you can. Anything less will hurt you more.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Thanks phxfire,

 

I will. I'll be as cold as I can when living with him for the next few days. It will be hard just seeing that person that you love so much right in front of you and they aren't yours anymore.

 

It's hitting me guys...

 

and it hurts.

[AnyaNova]

Very!

 

My heart burns and feels like a really cold burn.

 

I know this is stupid, but could I have done anything to prevent this from happening?

 

No sweetie, you couldn't have. There is not a thing you can do.

 

Phenixfire has a number of insightful posts on this subject, but essentially, your ex is not mature enough to yet understand that the feeling of "in loveness" ebbs and flows. The rock that holds you together, is the "love" that he still feels. He just is not mature enough to understand that aspect.

 

"In loveness" comes and goes, and a strong friendship and attachment love is the anchor. I am sorry that he hasn't grown up enough to realize that!

 

He has basically destroyed everything you have (and I think you have the fundamental sense that what has been broken can not be put back together, not at least for a long, long time and it can never be like it was) because he is not mature enough to understand what a real and loving romantic relationship truly is.

 

There is nothing you can do about it. And no amount of explaining will change where he is at.

 

You did everything you could to save the relationship. I know it won't help you rest easy (as it didn't when another wise soul who hasn't been in, in weeks) told me, but you can at least know that you did everything you could. You may have made mistakes along the way. We all do and did.

 

But, fundamentally, he doesn't understand the true bedrock of relationships. He is going to put himself through hell because he still loves you and he's going to miss you like crap, and be torn because he "thinks he's doing the right thing" and he's putting you through hell, too.

 

I am sorry. Take care of yourself. Heal. And then go find the guy that is mature enough to know the giddy champagne of the beginning of relationships does not last forever, comes and goes and fits and spurts, and is followed and supported by quite a nice dry red, and is willing to stick around for it!

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I truly appreciate this post. It made me feel a lot better!!! Thank you so much for this, I'm keeping it forever!

 

It is sad though, but something he will realize one day (hopefully, maybe).

 

I was willing to make it work, I would have fought for him to the end because I know love is hard work and it takes work to maintain it. But that is all I could have done. I can't make him stay with me, wouldn't want to anyways.

 

It breaks my heart though. I counted on him.

 

I hope he is happy now.

 

No sweetie, you couldn't have. There is not a thing you can do.

 

Phenixfire has a number of insightful posts on this subject, but essentially, your ex is not mature enough to yet understand that the feeling of "in loveness" ebbs and flows. The rock that holds you together, is the "love" that he still feels. He just is not mature enough to understand that aspect.

 

"In loveness" comes and goes, and a strong friendship and attachment love is the anchor. I am sorry that he hasn't grown up enough to realize that!

 

He has basically destroyed everything you have (and I think you have the fundamental sense that what has been broken can not be put back together, not at least for a long, long time and it can never be like it was) because he is not mature enough to understand what a real and loving romantic relationship truly is.

 

There is nothing you can do about it. And no amount of explaining will change where he is at.

 

You did everything you could to save the relationship. I know it won't help you rest easy (as it didn't when another wise soul who hasn't been in, in weeks) told me, but you can at least know that you did everything you could. You may have made mistakes along the way. We all do and did.

 

But, fundamentally, he doesn't understand the true bedrock of relationships. He is going to put himself through hell because he still loves you and he's going to miss you like crap, and be torn because he "thinks he's doing the right thing" and he's putting you through hell, too.

 

I am sorry. Take care of yourself. Heal. And then go find the guy that is mature enough to know the giddy champagne of the beginning of relationships does not last forever, comes and goes and fits and spurts, and is followed and supported by quite a nice dry red, and is willing to stick around for it!

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Id only talk to him when you have to, dont start conversations or be overly friendly, but be polite when you do talk to him. That will prob. drive him mad. And I know you said this, but do NOT give him ANY physical affection whatsoever. No no no. Dont let him have his cake and eat it too.

 

You got it girl!! No way in hell is he eating my cake, err, you know what I mean :-)

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I'm simply writing in here again because I have nowhere to go right now. I feel absolutely befuddled. Just completely drained and heartless, he took that from me. I feel anger. I don't want to not like him.

 

I just purchased a silk nighty from Victoria Secret's, I was going to wear it for him the first day I moved in as if a glimpse of what he would have while living together....and now it hangs in my closet with no intentions anymore.

 

There will be moments that probably bring me to my knees, I'm prepared for that. But what I'm not prepared for is not having him in my life anymore. It's like....he is dead. And I have to learn to live with that. And when it's all over and I'm healed, then what? Poof, he is gone? Where did the love go and was it ever there? I can't even see that far yet...

 

When you’re surrounded by a hurricane, every clap of thunder is another excuse to run. But the truth is that my heart is fragile enough to shatter, and it did the instant he said I am not in love with you. How could he? After 3 years, you say that to me?

 

I have no parachute. I’m always holding the matches and I’m chasing music with deaf ears.

 

But even without the promise of a song, I still need the music.

 

God, I miss him already. He isn't coming back, is he?

“Just to be clear

I don’t want to get out

without a broken heart.

I intend to leave this life

so shattered

there’s going to have to be

a thousand separate heavens

for all my flying parts.” ~Andrea Gibson

[sun1972]

gosh i hate the 'i love you but i am not sure im in love with you' line

 

for some i think its just a cheesy line- an excuse

 

for others i think they mean it, and this article explains my views perfectly

 

Is it Okay to Love Someone But Not Be "In Love"? | Dating Coach | Understand Men. Find Love.

[Never Again]

gosh i hate the 'i love you but i am not sure im in love with you' line

 

for some i think its just a cheesy line- an excuse

 

for others i think they mean it, and this article explains my views perfectly

 

Is it Okay to Love Someone But Not Be "In Love"? | Dating Coach | Understand Men. Find Love.

 

Ding!

 

I read that article too - I think this is the case more often than the "cop out"...but it's sort of the same thing, eh?

 

The chemistry faded below a certain baseline and some people simply can't handle that. They expect to feel that PULL towards their significant other all the time. They claim they've "fallen out of love" when they no longer feel it.

 

Attraction does not necessarily equal a long and stable relationship, but we're told from a young age that it does.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

gosh i hate the 'i love you but i am not sure im in love with you' line

 

for some i think its just a cheesy line- an excuse

 

for others i think they mean it, and this article explains my views perfectly

 

Is it Okay to Love Someone But Not Be "In Love"? | Dating Coach | Understand Men. Find Love.

 

True. But they still made the choice to leave.

 

I can't even began to understand that. Why did he give up?

 

Every question I have will go unanswered because I will never really know how he feels.

[Never Again]

True. But they still made the choice to leave.

 

I can't even began to understand that. Why did he give up?

 

Every question I have will go unanswered because I will never really know how he feels.

 

Cotton, you do not need to understand.

 

Frankly, it's better that you never even try.

 

Relationships are illogical, emotional and unnatural things. Many people simply follow that sexual PULL (the "in love" pitter patter of the heart), and don't pay heed to anything else.

 

The people who give up don't see it as giving up. They've convinced themselves that they "can't change how they feel" and that it's best to let the dumpee go so that you both can find your respective "soul mates" as if such a thing existed.

 

He loves you. But to him, love isn't enough.

 

My ex pulled the same exact trite maneuver - she was in tears the whole time. She didn't know if she made the right call but expected to "feel" if she made a mistake. She still left. I don't really know why.

 

Just be the best you that you can be. Don't concern yourself with him, what he knows and what he doesn't. He probably doesn't even understand it entirely.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Thank you, friend. The song "Landslide" just came on and I want to cry. Trying to be strong though, gotta push through this.

 

God, I'll miss his smile so much. Especially the love behind it.

 

I hate how people just give up on you. Or maybe I could think that he gave up on me and I deserve better than that. I will find someone who won't give up on me and I won't have to worry about them leaving me.

 

You think they will ever realize in the future, maybe they might think they made a mistake? That would be lovely, for him to come back and tell me he was wrong and he is in love with me...

 

 

Cotton, you do not need to understand.

 

Frankly, it's better that you never even try.

 

Relationships are illogical, emotional and unnatural things. Many people simply follow that sexual PULL (the "in love" pitter patter of the heart), and don't pay heed to anything else.

 

The people who give up don't see it as giving up. They've convinced themselves that they "can't change how they feel" and that it's best to let the dumpee go so that you both can find your respective "soul mates" as if such a thing existed.

 

He loves you. But to him, love isn't enough.

 

My ex pulled the same exact trite maneuver - she was in tears the whole time. She didn't know if she made the right call but expected to "feel" if she made a mistake. She still left. I don't really know why.

 

Just be the best you that you can be. Don't concern yourself with him, what he knows and what he doesn't. He probably doesn't even understand it entirely.

 

And that made me very sad. Love may not be enough, but he was enough for me. I tried so hard to make it work and to be the best I could.

 

Welcome to Heartbreak.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I wish I could say he was a jerk. A liar, a cheater. I wish I could hate him and never want him back.

 

But he was everything. He was always so honest, sometimes too honest. He was sweet and caring. Never cheated, never lied. He had issues, he wasn't perfect, but I was willing to stand by his side when he needed me.

[Never Again]

Thank you, friend. The song "Landslide" just came on and I want to cry. Trying to be strong though, gotta push through this.

 

God, I'll miss his smile so much. Especially the love behind it.

 

I hate how people just give up on you. Or maybe I could think that he gave up on me and I deserve better than that. I will find someone who won't give up on me and I won't have to worry about them leaving me.

 

You think they will ever realize in the future, maybe they might think they made a mistake? That would be lovely, for him to come back and tell me he was wrong and he is in love with me...

 

Follow the bolded path. It'll be healthier for you.

 

If he does regret, it'll be after you've moved on. Then he will feel disappointment, and it'll be no one's fault but his own.

 

 

And that made me very sad. Love may not be enough, but he was enough for me. I tried so hard to make it work and to be the best I could.

 

Welcome to Heartbreak.

 

It was enough for most of us. That's why we're here.

 

 

I wish I could say he was a jerk. A liar, a cheater. I wish I could hate him and never want him back.

 

But he was everything. He was always so honest, sometimes too honest. He was sweet and caring. Never cheated, never lied. He had issues, he wasn't perfect, but I was willing to stand by his side when he needed me.

 

You and me both. If anything, I contributed more to my breakup than my ex did. She was the nicest person I'd ever met. Hard to be mad at them.

 

But you will be. You'll get mad at them for leaving. For being ignorant. For not knowing what love it and giving up on you.

 

You'll get there.