He told me he isn't in love with me

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Dang.

 

I woke up last night in a horrible panic. 'Is this really happening to me?!' I texted him and said please call me.

 

He did call. We talked for 30 minutes about how he will never be the man I want him to be. He said it just isn't who he is. He tried to make me happy, but realized I wasn't happy with him.

 

And thing is, I wasn't. He wasn't attentive or very loving. He didn't buy me flowers or surprise me, we didn't do much together with our opposite schedules. Looking back we maybe have a handful of photos of us together. I guess that's a good thing now. But it was the things he didn't do that hurt the most and what ultimately ended our relationship.

 

But I would have stayed, I was willing to work on things...

 

One thing he said to me was, "One day you will understand why I left you, I am doing it for your own happiness, you can't see it now...but you will."

 

That was when I cried. I said I just wanted him to be happy and I love him and I understood. We have broken up before and he said "this is the last time". And I said "you've said that before" and he said "well this time I mean it."

 

My heart felt like someone was stomping on it and I started just weeping while on the phone with him. He stayed silent and cold as ice, said "hold on" while he disappeared from the phone call like he didn't want to hear me crying.

 

He told me how I could stay with him as long as I needed till I find a place. He is coming over today to get the rest of my stuff to bring over since I have to be out of my apartment this week. Imagine that, a man leaves you and now you have to see him and move in with him.

 

The thing he doesn't know yet is that I am moving in with a friend who is letting me stay until I can move in with my best friend in March next year. I'm hoping I can move in with her as soon as possible. I would never be able to live with an ex boyfriend who isn't in love with me. It'd be too hard. And I know what would happen: we would have sex.

 

Morning are the worst. I woke up with a cloud of dread wondering how it went by so fast and it's all over now. It's a helpless feeling knowing there isn't anything you can do to change their mind.

 

I thought about our phone call last night and how adamant he was about letting go of this relationship. He said how relationships shouldn't be this hard and how I had made it an obsession to try to change him, when I was merely just trying to make it work by expressing my needs/wants.

 

I will stick by my confidence in knowing that it wasn't me who failed this relationship. I did everything I could and I will rest easy knowing that.

 

What hurts the most is how he point blank said: this is the last time.

Edited November 26, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[Iguanna]

Remember, every end is also a new start.

[Grumpybutfun]

Socks:

Sometimes the kindest thing someone can do for you is to let you go. It was obvious from your earlier posts that you were not happy in that relationship. You said he was a taker and you are a giver. He didn't understand your need to be treated special and you did have an obsession with changing him. I know it is hard now, but think of how much lovelier life will be when you can see growth in relationships instead of stagnation. You will get to go the next level of love with someone whom you respect and value because they value and respect you enough to show you in every day how much you mean to them.

It is a simple truth that not all relationships are meant to succeed, as some are there to show us what we need, and some are there to show us how strong we can be.

I know your grief is great, but one day you will wake up with the knowledge that your future is bright and your next love will be a grand adventure.

Best of Luck,

Grumps

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Socks:

Sometimes the kindest thing someone can do for you is to let you go. It was obvious from your earlier posts that you were not happy in that relationship. You said he was a taker and you are a giver. He didn't understand your need to be treated special and you did have an obsession with changing him. I know it is hard now, but think of how much lovelier life will be when you can see growth in relationships instead of stagnation. You will get to go the next level of love with someone whom you respect and value because they value and respect you enough to show you in every day how much you mean to them.

It is a simple truth that not all relationships are meant to succeed, as some are there to show us what we need, and some are there to show us how strong we can be.

I know your grief is great, but one day you will wake up with the knowledge that your future is bright and your next love will be a grand adventure.

Best of Luck,

Grumps

 

Thanks, Grumps.

 

You are so right. I have to remind myself of that, there is someone else out there for me. And I will look back one day and realize how lucky I was to get out of this relationship.

 

But for now, my focus is him and that's all I see. I can't see what's on the side view, it's just him and a dark cloud above me. I'm heartbroken and scared, I have to find my strength. It's normal to go through this anxiety, fear and pain, right?

 

My friend told me today, "The wise are never answered and in that, that’s when you find yourself and become a stronger person."

 

I thought that was amazing because I always look for the answers, why this, why that, how could he, what could I have done differently....I'm going to become wiser from this. We don't always get the answers we're looking for, that's when we find ourselves.

 

I had wrote him a letter I planned to give him when I moved out, but then I crumbled it and threw it away because I also remember, men don't respond to words, they respond to "no contact". Not that I want him to contact, but silence speaks louder and there is no point in writing a letter to someone who doesn't want to be with me. I have to remember, no amount of contact or no contact can make someone like or love you. There is literally NO way to manipulate someone else's feelings for you. NONE.

[Never Again]

Socks:

Sometimes the kindest thing someone can do for you is to let you go. It was obvious from your earlier posts that you were not happy in that relationship. You said he was a taker and you are a giver. He didn't understand your need to be treated special and you did have an obsession with changing him. I know it is hard now, but think of how much lovelier life will be when you can see growth in relationships instead of stagnation. You will get to go the next level of love with someone whom you respect and value because they value and respect you enough to show you in every day how much you mean to them.

It is a simple truth that not all relationships are meant to succeed, as some are there to show us what we need, and some are there to show us how strong we can be.

I know your grief is great, but one day you will wake up with the knowledge that your future is bright and your next love will be a grand adventure.

Best of Luck,

Grumps

 

Cotton, I'd like to highlight the bolded point for a big reason.

 

Giving too much in a relationship will always lead to disappointment.

 

Why?

 

Because the act of giving is actually investing in the relationship. Those who give bond more deeply than those that take.

 

You train people on how to treat them. If you give too much, they come to expect that and never feel obligated to give back...if they never give back, they never invest and their bond wanes.

 

There's the second problem with giving too much - you begin to expect to be given more. You want to change people, and those expectations lead to disappointment and unhappiness.

 

Only give as much as you get.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Looking back, I'm starting to realize I am the one who failed.

 

I was a giver, I was to pushy, I was needy and I expected too much of him.

 

It was me that failed.

 

Cotton, I'd like to highlight the bolded point for a big reason.

 

Giving too much in a relationship will always lead to disappointment.

 

Why?

 

Because the act of giving is actually investing in the relationship. Those who give bond more deeply than those that take.

 

You train people on how to treat them. If you give too much, they come to expect that and never feel obligated to give back...if they never give back, they never invest and their bond wanes.

 

There's the second problem with giving too much - you begin to expect to be given more. You want to change people, and those expectations lead to disappointment and unhappiness.

 

Only give as much as you get.

[icantthink]

sorry for your lost cotton. I am going through the same thing. My ex left with that same reason, I love you but not in love with you. She asked me nicely and I had to let her go. What can I do, she was just being honest. I tried to win her back but wouldn't give me another chance. she even apologized for hurting me and that we will understand one day why it needs to happen.

 

Go NC. strictly. Help yourself to move on. Get all your stuffs as fast as you can so you wouldn't be dealing more of him in the future. Cut, and cut clean.

 

I could say my ex was nice too. When she left, I put her on the pedestal, thinking I could never find someone like her. But no, as days go by, I realized she's not that great. When i started accepting, i realized my worth,that I have so much love to give, and i feel sorry for her because she won't be having that anymore.

 

He asked you to find another who will love you more, then do so. Don't waste your time crying over a man who gave up up on you just like that. Soon, you will realize how great you are and that you'd be happy to think that you have all the freedom to choose the right man for you. The one who wouldn't give up even after the passion is gone.

 

It's a blessing in disguise. Your heart will smile again. Just be patient to wait for what you deserve.

[Never Again]

Looking back, I'm starting to realize I am the one who failed.

 

I was a giver, I was to pushy, I was needy and I expected too much of him.

 

It was me that failed.

 

Do not put that on yourself.

 

If there were problems, he should have communicated with you - and communication and progress take TIME.

 

We all fail in relationships. We are all disappointments.

 

Those who love us learn to forgive.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Do not put that on yourself.

 

If there were problems, he should have communicated with you - and communication and progress take TIME.

 

We all fail in relationships. We are all disappointments.

 

Those who love us learn to forgive.

 

 

Thanks for helping me down from the edge. I really was beginning to wonder if I was the reason this relationship failed. How he said, "relationships shouldn't be this hard", I just don't understand. It was only hard because you couldn't listen to my needs, I expressed them so we could work on them, not to make him feel like the wrong man for me.

 

I just feel like if I would've stepped back a little, stopped telling him my needs, stopped trying to change him and just be happy with the relationship we'd still be together.

 

I am so devastated. I just want the pain to go away. And now I have to see him this afternoon and I'm scared. I want to hug him, tell him I'm sorry. I don't want to see him being cold or acting like he doesn't love me anymore. Tonight, I'll be in the same house as him. I'm scared. I'll be crying in my room and he'll be out on the couch watching TV.

 

Why'd it come to this? Why didn't he fight for me?

 

I'm sorry, I'm just venting. I want to vent here versus telling him my pathetic feelings.

 

I'll get through this...

Edited November 26, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[Still Searching]

Thanks for helping me down from the edge. I really was beginning to wonder if I was the reason this relationship failed. How he said, "relationships shouldn't be this hard", I just don't understand. It was only hard because you couldn't listen to my needs, I expressed them so we could work on them, not to make him feel like the wrong man for me.

 

I just feel like if I would've stepped back a little, stopping telling him my needs, trying to change him and just be happy with the relationship we'd still be together.

 

I used to hear that line all the time, too. "It shouldn't be this hard." Like you, I felt I was repeating myself constantly, expressing my needs, which I felt were perfectly normal and expected in a relationship. Apparently, it was too hard for her to meet them.

 

As for your second paragraph, I used to think like that, too, and my ex would say the same thing. "I just wish you'd love me for me, like I do you." Ok, well, when I stepped back and looked at things, I didn't like who she was in many ways. I guess I was trying to change her into the person I wanted her to be as opposed to just loving the person she was. To step back, ignore my own needs, and just accept the relationship for what it was would have been miserable. There's probably a certain amount of "settling" in every relationship, but no one should settle too much and/or ignore their own feelings and needs. You did what you could with what you knew at the time. You expressed your needs, he couldn't meet them. Sucks, but it's reality...

[Leeway Harris]

I have to disagree with this, even though I know it was well-intended. And I'm not trying to start a fight here, I just want to add a different perspective to this discussion.

 

Cotton, if you loved, you can be proud of that. For everything you gave to this relationship, for everything you "invested", you can hold your head up high. I'm sure you made mistakes, everyone does, but you did your best, and for that, you win. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but please remember that loving someone is never a mistake.

 

It's only a mistake if you were playing a game. If you're trying to "win" a relationship, trying to "get" something out of it, like you're playing the stock market or spinning a roulette wheel, then that kind of "love" is a mistake.

 

But it doesn't look like that was what you were doing. You loved sincerely and genuinely, and that is a victory for you. And even though the relationship didn't work out, you haven't lost anything. You have love in infinite supply, it's everywhere, and all of it is available to you. You're not going to run out, so don't start thinking you "wasted" it on this guy.

 

And I'd caution against falling into the trap of anger and blame. Some of that is natural of course, but if you use it as a cover for your sadness and sense of loss, you won't grow, and you risk ending up right back where you started, maybe in your next relationship. I would advise you to feel what you need to feel, breathe through it, and let it take as long as it takes.

 

Don't let the pain you're feeling now discourage you from loving and giving just as much in the future. You can only lose in love if you close up and wall yourself off from it. And most importantly, don't forget to include yourself in the love!!! Be gentle and compassionate with yourself now, and always, and take that love of yourself with you when you enter your next relationship.

 

I hope you pass through this transition quickly and with as little suffering as possible. Don't forget to ask for help. And remember who you are.

 

<3

 

Cotton, I'd like to highlight the bolded point for a big reason.

 

Giving too much in a relationship will always lead to disappointment.

 

Why?

 

Because the act of giving is actually investing in the relationship. Those who give bond more deeply than those that take.

 

You train people on how to treat them. If you give too much, they come to expect that and never feel obligated to give back...if they never give back, they never invest and their bond wanes.

 

There's the second problem with giving too much - you begin to expect to be given more. You want to change people, and those expectations lead to disappointment and unhappiness.

 

Only give as much as you get.

[Never Again]

Thanks for helping me down from the edge. I really was beginning to wonder if I was the reason this relationship failed. How he said, "relationships shouldn't be this hard", I just don't understand. It was only hard because you couldn't listen to my needs, I expressed them so we could work on them, not to make him feel like the wrong man for me.

 

I just feel like if I would've stepped back a little, stopping telling him my needs, trying to change him and just be happy with the relationship we'd still be together.

 

I am so devastated. I just want the pain to go away. And now I have to see him this afternoon and I'm scared. I want to hug him, tell him I'm sorry. I don't want to see him being cold or acting like he doesn't love me anymore. Tonight, I'll be in the same house as him. I'm scared. I'll be crying in my room and he'll be out on the couch watching TV.

 

Why'd it come to this? Why didn't he fight for me?

 

I'm sorry, I'm just venting. I want to vent here versus telling him my pathetic feelings.

 

I'll get through this...

 

The fact that he even said that reveals a lot.

 

Relationships are not easy.

 

They are work, and hard work sometimes...but it's work you WANT to do because you love the other person.

 

Do not feel bad for communicating - you did the absolute right thing by telling him your needs. Not enough people do that. If he felt overburdened by that and didn't communicate back, that's his problem.

 

If you feel like you nagged him...then now you can be aware going forward.

 

Honestly Cotton, he would have found another excuse to leave some day. He's grasping at straws to explain something that he simply can't because he doesn't want to look at it hard enough, so he's using what's convenient. He's trying to make this about you, and how this is "for the best" so that he can feel like a good person (and so that you won't think badly of him for breaking your heart).

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Cotton, if you loved, you can be proud of that. For everything you gave to this relationship, for everything you "invested", you can hold your head up high. I'm sure you made mistakes, everyone does, but you did your best, and for that, you win. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but please remember that loving someone is never a mistake.

 

Leeway Harris, thanks for the reminder, it's nice to hear this. I wasn't wrong in what I asked and needed in a relationship. I didn't ask for much. I have every right to want to feel comfortable and secure in a relationship.

It's only a mistake if you were playing a game. If you're trying to "win" a relationship, trying to "get" something out of it, like you're playing the stock market or spinning a roulette wheel, then that kind of "love" is a mistake.

 

But it doesn't look like that was what you were doing. You loved sincerely and genuinely, and that is a victory for you. And even though the relationship didn't work out, you haven't lost anything. You have love in infinite supply, it's everywhere, and all of it is available to you. You're not going to run out, so don't start thinking you "wasted" it on this guy.

 

I appreciate this, but I feel like I lost the most important person to me, and I did. He is gone and loveless.

 

No contact is the best right? How would you all advise me to be when I'm living with him? Do I act cold, distant? I don't know how to be.

 

I'm sorry if I'm such a downer, I just don't know how to cope.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

You are right. So right. He would have found another reason, when someone doesn't want to be with you, there is nothing I can do to make them stay.

 

How are you doing Pfenixphire? How are you coping? How do you make it through the night (those seem to be the hardest times for me)?

 

The fact that he even said that reveals a lot.

 

Relationships are not easy.

 

They are work, and hard work sometimes...but it's work you WANT to do because you love the other person.

 

Do not feel bad for communicating - you did the absolute right thing by telling him your needs. Not enough people do that. If he felt overburdened by that and didn't communicate back, that's his problem.

 

If you feel like you nagged him...then now you can be aware going forward.

 

Honestly Cotton, he would have found another excuse to leave some day. He's grasping at straws to explain something that he simply can't because he doesn't want to look at it hard enough, so he's using what's convenient. He's trying to make this about you, and how this is "for the best" so that he can feel like a good person (and so that you won't think badly of him for breaking your heart).

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I keep seeking out for someone to make me feel better again, bring me back to life, but I realized no one can fix me. It's nobody's fault, it's just heartbreak.

 

I keep thinking that if someone just says the right thing or if I just bump into the right person in line at the coffee shop, I'll let him go and never look back.

 

I read books, I watch videos, I read quotes, I keep going trying to find the very thing that will heal me, but nothing works. Nothing can take my pain away.

 

I'm running in circles trying to find the route that will get me there the fastest, but I'm lost. I'm expending so much energy trying to forget him that I'm starting to realize what I'm doing is only making me remember him.

Edited November 26, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[Leeway Harris]

No contact is the best right? How would you all advise me to be when I'm living with him? Do I act cold, distant? I don't know how to be.

 

I'm sorry if I'm such a downer, I just don't know how to cope.

 

As a practical matter, I always advise a good long cooling off period after something like this. Having no contact with him is probably best for you right now. And for the time that you have to see him, you don't have to be artificially "cold and distant", but remain conscious of your goal here, which is to move ahead, move on from this situation. Keep that goal in your mind to prevent yourself from backsliding. And get through it as quickly as possible so you can begin to heal.

 

And you're not a downer, anybody who has been through a tough breakup knows how it is, and we just want you to feel better and move on, whatever it takes.

[Never Again]

You are right. So right. He would have found another reason, when someone doesn't want to be with you, there is nothing I can do to make them stay.

 

How are you doing Pfenixphire? How are you coping? How do you make it through the night (those seem to be the hardest times for me)?

 

I'm a poor choice for those questions.

 

I keep busy and I've made goals, but I had a lot happen to me before my breakup that was external to the relationship...and those things are what killed my relationship.

 

My ability to cope has been compromised. But I get along. Night is definitely the worst, but things get better.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I'm a poor choice for those questions.

 

I keep busy and I've made goals, but I had a lot happen to me before my breakup that was external to the relationship...and those things are what killed my relationship.

 

My ability to cope has been compromised. But I get along. Night is definitely the worst, but things get better.

 

aw :-( Night is the worst!! How do you handle it? Do you get panic attacks?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

As a practical matter, I always advise a good long cooling off period after something like this. Having no contact with him is probably best for you right now. And for the time that you have to see him, you don't have to be artificially "cold and distant", but remain conscious of your goal here, which is to move ahead, move on from this situation. Keep that goal in your mind to prevent yourself from backsliding. And get through it as quickly as possible so you can begin to heal.

 

And you're not a downer, anybody who has been through a tough breakup knows how it is, and we just want you to feel better and move on, whatever it takes.

 

Thanks. :-) I won't forget the ultimate goal. I just can't bare to say goodbye to him, it's like he will be dead or something....

[Pa76]

Cotton, I'd like to highlight the bolded point for a big reason.

 

Giving too much in a relationship will always lead to disappointment.

 

Why?

 

Because the act of giving is actually investing in the relationship. Those who give bond more deeply than those that take.

 

You train people on how to treat them. If you give too much, they come to expect that and never feel obligated to give back...if they never give back, they never invest and their bond wanes.

 

There's the second problem with giving too much - you begin to expect to be given more. You want to change people, and those expectations lead to disappointment and unhappiness.

 

Only give as much as you get.

 

 

SO true. It's what I learned in my last relationship (dumped 2 1/2 weeks ago). I'm a giver and I need to quit giving too much of myself. Always want to help others and put their needs before mine. Must stop doing that. So now I'm putting myself first and will do it whenever I am back to dating.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

SO true. It's what I learned in my last relationship (dumped 2 1/2 weeks ago). I'm a giver and I need to quit giving too much of myself. Always want to help others and put their needs before mine. Must stop doing that. So now I'm putting myself first and will do it whenever I am back to dating.

 

No, please don't. It's like a tumultuous spreading disease that carries from one person to the next. You are giving up YOU if you become like your ex. Keep giving. I doubted giving too much at first too, but I did it because it made ME happy and to see someone else be happy or surprised made my day. That is who I am. I don't want to stop being who I am because someone else didn't appreciate it. Or maybe my ex did appreciate it, but took it for granted.

 

I would hate for your next relationship to fail because you became bitter about giving and that would have been something they would have appreciated about you. It's so hard to find a giving person these days because people give up too fast.

 

Don't stop being you. Give because you want to, not because you expect something in return.

 

My next relationship I will continue to be a giver for the person I love. My goal is to make them happy, not to carry over the issues I had in the past relationships and to put it on him.

[Never Again]

The idea to give less is not to withhold or become bitter.

 

It is to ensure you're not letting yourself become a doormat. It is to ensure you're asking your partner to invest as much as you are. It's to ensure the relationship does not become too one sided.

 

We teach people how to treat us, in a way. If we give when they do not, they will take advantage. Not on purpose - they'll just expect more than they should.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

The idea to give less is not to withhold or become bitter.

 

It is to ensure you're not letting yourself become a doormat. It is to ensure you're asking your partner to invest as much as you are. It's to ensure the relationship does not become too one sided.

 

We teach people how to treat us, in a way. If we give when they do not, they will take advantage. Not on purpose - they'll just expect more than they should.

 

This is true.

 

Ugh. It hurts to breathe.

[Never Again]

aw :-( Night is the worst!! How do you handle it? Do you get panic attacks?

 

I have been having nearly daily anxiety attacks since mid-April (2 months before my breakup) due to loads of stress and my inability to cope with other situations. I didn't know what they were until a month ago.

 

These made me tired and less aware of my ex's needs/wants/feelings. I tried my hardest, but I was pretty unattractive for a month and a half. I pulled away from her. Put in less effort than I had in the past. Wasn't going to see her nearly as much, wasn't talking to her as much or being as sweet, and even forgot to read her favorite book which she lent me for a month. I made the relationship go backwards for a bit. I no longer made her smile the way I used to. I stopped melting her heart, and she was no longer "in love" with me. I genuinely deserved to be dumped, and that pains me every day.

 

I handle it by trying my best to put it out of my mind. By doing my absolute best to forget about her. By realizing that I let my best friend slip away from me and that there's nothing I can do about it now - by understanding that she's better off without me, and that I have my own issues to sort out.

 

I cope, and I deal with bad nights, by doing the only thing I can do - continue to move forward.

[Grumpybutfun]

Socks:

You don't have a timeline for healing, so give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. Grieving for a lost relationship after being with someone as long as you were your ex is mandatory. Remember that we have to kiss a few frogs to get our royalty. Your ex was a frog, your royalty is the guy where it won't feel so difficult because he will be carrying the load of the relationship with you.

Hang in there,

Grumps