He told me he isn't in love with me

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Gosh, you guys are amazing. I'm so lucky to have people like you to support me. HUGS!

 

I have had a moment of clarity. I love my job and we were having a meeting and it's always so lighthearted and everyone laughs, but also deals with the work that needs to be done. I am very thankful for having such a family oriented job where everyone gets along and we work hard, but play harder.

 

It was nice at that meeting because afterward I realized I hadn't thought of my ex the whole hour. Sounds silly, but it was really shocking to me because he is on my mind every second. It was some kind of...relief and a nice little break for my heart.

 

I laughed, I was confident, I smiled and most of all...I meant it!

 

I came back to my phone and I had a missed call from him and 4 text messages from him!!

 

A missed call and 4 texts:

-I have an appt at the derm at 3:30. Will that work? It's just one trip from your apt right?

 

-We'll be able to load quick?

 

-I forgot about the appt till they called.

 

-*My name*, I hope you check your phone quickly.

 

I said, "it's fine"

 

He said, "It shouldn't take long, so afterward I can help some more"

 

I said, "no worries"

 

I'm prepared for today, thanks to you all.

 

I love you guys.

Edited November 26, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

So I'm at his house now.

 

We moved my bed, but were unable to get the rest of my boxes so I'll have to do that on my day off. Anyways, he was nice when he came in, said how are you and how was work. But once we started moving my bed he became a prick because he was upset that I couldn't carry it. I tried, but it was heavy.

 

So he had to do it himself and he said how I should've told him to bring someone else. I didn't know and didn't really think about it. He was very mean to me and said "get out of the way" when I was accidentally in his way. He just broke my heart and to see him treat me this way was unbearable, but I held it in and showed no feelings towards it.

 

Anyways, we get to his house and he said how he almost got into a horrible accident and then was rushing me trying to get the bed in the house. I said I couldn't do it because it was heavy, but I'd try my best. He got angry and said how he needs to be at his appointment in 10 mins and walked inside and slammed the door, leaving me outside with the bed in his truck still. I told him to take my car so he wouldn't be late.

 

He left in a hurry and texted me and said, "I'm sorry I just really really hate feeling rushed, we should have had two people."

 

I felt like saying, "I just really really hate being treated like ****." He knew he had to help me move, it wasn't my fault he forgot about his appointment. But yet he made it my fault.

 

I haven't texted him back yet, don't know what to say, but he'll be home soon.

[headinthecloud]

So I'm at his house now.

 

We moved my bed, but were unable to get the rest of my boxes so I'll have to do that on my day off. Anyways, he was nice when he came in, said how are you and how was work. But once we started moving my bed he became a prick because he was upset that I couldn't carry it. I tried, but it was heavy.

 

So he had to do it himself and he said how I should've told him to bring someone else. I didn't know and didn't really think about it. He was very mean to me and said "get out of the way" when I was accidentally in his way. He just broke my heart and to see him treat me this way was unbearable, but I held it in and showed no feelings towards it.

 

Anyways, we get to his house and he said how he almost got into a horrible accident and then was rushing me trying to get the bed in the house. I said I couldn't do it because it was heavy, but I'd try my best. He got angry and said how he needs to be at his appointment in 10 mins and walked inside and slammed the door, leaving me outside with the bed in his truck still. I told him to take my car so he wouldn't be late.

 

He left in a hurry and texted me and said, "I'm sorry I just really really hate feeling rushed, we should have had two people."

 

I felt like saying, "I just really really hate being treated like ****." He knew he had to help me move, it wasn't my fault he forgot about his appointment. But yet he made it my fault.

 

I haven't texted him back yet, don't know what to say, but he'll be home soon.

 

Keep in mind he's suffering too. He's not happy with the situation either and every little added stress will cause him anxiety. It's a terrible situation. Forgive him and just work through this until you are moved out completely. Both are you are very sensitive at the moment so don't over analyze. Just tackle one hurdle at a time.

 

Don't reply. If he brings it up just tell him that you know the situation is tough for both of you and you're not yourself at the moment.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Keep in mind he's suffering too. He's not happy with the situation either and every little added stress will cause him anxiety. It's a terrible situation. Forgive him and just work through this until you are moved out completely. Both are you are very sensitive at the moment so don't over analyze. Just tackle one hurdle at a time.

 

Don't reply. If he brings it up just tell him that you know the situation is tough for both of you and you're not yourself at the moment.

 

I don't think that is the case at all, he was very mean and cold today, very indifferent. He isn't suffering.

 

I just texted back and said it's fine. And the he told me to close the windows since it's colder outside. That was that.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

While at his appointment he is texting me like he used to. Trying to make small talk. I am completely aloof and short with him. He got a cyst removed from his scalp (ew) and he texted me "I passed out!" and I said "ok" and he's like "ok?" so I wrote back and said "that sucks"

 

Then he calls and asks me if I want him to pick up anything for dinner, so I take that offer because at this point, hell yea, you'll buy me dinner you prick. lol not what I said, but what I thought.

 

It will be interesting how tonight goes. I think I'll try my best to stay in my room and do my own thing.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Alright, it gets even weirder now.

 

so he came home with dinner and we set at the table to eat it. I'm playing with my phone and he keeps asking me small questions like "how is your mom doing?" "Hows work?" "How have you been?"

 

Which I all reply to good and he says "Is this how it's going to be?"

 

I said "I need time right now, please respect that"

 

Then I open up my fortune cookie and it reads "You will be the guest of a gracious host" and I nearly spit out my food laughing. He takes it and reads it and laughs too. It was ironic. And his fortune said, "Being kind will bring happiness"

 

As I'm putting my dishes away he says, "your butt looks good in those jeans"

 

I looked at him with a disgusting look and he says "what? they do" and I roll my eyes.

 

I know what he wants, sex. I'm not stupid. And he isn't getting what he wants. I didn't shave for a reason tonight, because I want to resist my own temptation.

[Never Again]

Alright, it gets even weirder now.

 

so he came home with dinner and we set at the table to eat it. I'm playing with my phone and he keeps asking me small questions like "how is your mom doing?" "Hows work?" "How have you been?"

 

Which I all reply to good and he says "Is this how it's going to be?"

 

I said "I need time right now, please respect that"

 

Then I open up my fortune cookie and it reads "You will be the guest of a gracious host" and I nearly spit out my food laughing. He takes it and reads it and laughs too. It was ironic. And his fortune said, "Being kind will bring happiness"

 

As I'm putting my dishes away he says, "your butt looks good in those jeans"

 

I looked at him with a disgusting look and he says "what? they do" and I roll my eyes.

 

I know what he wants, sex. I'm not stupid. And he isn't getting what he wants. I didn't shave for a reason tonight, because I want to resist my own temptation.

 

Fun fact:

 

The fortune cookie I got the day of my breakup said "Love conquers all". The fortune cookie I got the day after the wedding my ex chased me around read "Romance will reenter your life soon". Fortune cookies are jerks.

 

That being said...what the hell is his deal? Maybe it's just me, but he claims to not be "in love" but is still sexually attracted to you? He makes my head spin.

 

Good for you for holding your ground. Being cold can help you keep your guard up, but polite and business like works too. Don't ignore but don't engage. Just do your own thing and concentrate on your own well being, and I think you'll be fine.

 

Don't you dare give him an inch.

[notthathard]

Oracle's posts are a fantastic read if you need them.

 

That being said, I'd like to share a favorite quote about love:

 

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ― Louis de Bernières

 

Love is, when the chips are down, more about choice than feelings. Both are important, but one vastly more so.

 

Feelings truly are fleeting, and attraction ebbs and flows. Love, real love, it something you work at. It's not something you stand silently hoping to feel. That's why I hate the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you". It when, when all's said and done, a cop out.

 

I'm glad you're taking this so well. Far better than I did, and my relationship was only a third of the length.

 

^This post is awesome!

 

I went through the same thing as you Cotton sometime ago with my exGF.

I've been a dumper before this last relationship, but I would never fake a relationship to make the other happy, its rotten. My ex did just that, fake it right until the last few weeks.

These people are trying to find something that may never exist.

[Leeway Harris]

I don't think that is the case at all, he was very mean and cold today, very indifferent. He isn't suffering.

 

The cold behavior is almost certainly a mask to hide his suffering, but of course you can't make his suffering your problem. I hope you can get out of there soon.

[STKK]

Ah i have so much respect for you! I'm exactly in the same position you're dealing with it so well, teach me your ways.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Ah i have so much respect for you! I'm exactly in the same position you're dealing with it so well, teach me your ways.

 

I wouldn't have much respect for me, it's hard and I've failed.

 

Last night I was in my room and he came in there, sat down next to me and just starts talking about everything like normal, like nothing happened, like he never said "I'm not in love with you"...And I was quiet as I listened to him talk. He kept trying to make me talk, but I didn't know what to make of all this. He asked if he could hug me and I said maybe later. And then I got up to go to the bathroom, came back and his arms were wide open. I had to hug him, I wanted to.

 

We started bantering and horse playing...and one thing lead to another. Yea, sigh.

 

After that, we went to Home Depot together, he invited me to join and we looked at things for his home and he asked my opinion several times (like he used to) and I just said, "It's your home, you do what you want" and he's like "but I want your opinion".

 

So I let my guard down and we both acted like NOTHING had come between us. We came home and we watched funny videos, he wanted me to sit on his lap and he had his hands on my waist and was kissing me from behind, he put his cheek against mine and then later he gave me an awesome foot massage (which I always had to beg for).

 

Then I went to bed, in my own bed and he tucked me in. I wanted to sleep in my own bed because we have different schedules and I had to go to bed early while he stayed up and watch TV.

 

He called me sweetie and everything. And we also talked about our Christmas vacation we had planned for and plans haven't changed, he is still joining me from Christmas.

 

I don't know guys, I'm torn. I love him and I know you all are against what I'm doing. But I'm in a hard spot living with him and all.

 

He was sweet last night, what do I do?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I tried SOOO hard to be distant and to give him his space. Stayed in my own room. Kept conversations to bare minimum. Respected his privacy, but whenever he feels me pulling away, he takes a hold of me and doesn't want to let me go.

 

Why does he do this? Why does he act like he is in love with me if he isn't?

[Still Searching]

I tried SOOO hard to be distant and to give him his space. Stayed in my own room. Kept conversations to bare minimum. Respected his privacy, but whenever he feels me pulling away, he takes a hold of me and doesn't want to let me go.

 

Why does he do this? Why does he act like he is in love with me if he isn't?

 

Because he's selfish, and wants the ego boost. Who doesn't like that feeling, knowing they can have someone whenever they want? He wants you on his terms, which is BS. When he feels you pulling away, he'll do just enough to reel you back in and keep you there, but not enough to commit to a relationship. I've admittedly been on both sides of this scenario. I'm not proud of being on the giving end of it, but I've learned from that, as later being on the receiving end puts things in perspective.

 

You might slip up a few more times, but hopefully sooner than later you have enough and put your foot down.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I just read this from another thread and WOAH, so true. I am the anxious person and he is the avoidant:

 

Why are people who long for closeness in relationships attracted to their complete opposites: people who prefer their independence and distance? And why are the resulting relationships unsatisfying and prone to failure? Attachment science defines a person with a strong desire for intimacy and preoccupation with their relationships as anxious. Anxious people are sensitive to perceived threats to the intimacy of their relationships. On the opposite end of the spectrum are avoidant people. Avoidants wish to reduce closeness and intimacy in order to maintain their autonomy. They are less aware of the needs of their partner.

It would seem people with such differing needs would avoid each other, but the opposite happens. Studies have shown that in a classic case of “opposites attract”, there is a mutual attraction between avoidant and anxious people. Each has particular reasons for attraction, as outlined in the book Attached:

Why the Avoidant is Attracted to the Anxious:

 

• The avoidant has built up an idea of themselves as being more capable and self-sufficient than other people. They believe that people want to “trap” them and create more intimacy than they are comfortable with. With an anxious partner their beliefs are confirmed.
  

 

• Due to their defense mechanism of self-sufficiency, the avoidant likes to feel psychologically stronger than their partner. They can not feel stronger than another avoidant or a secure partner who would not be bothered by their behavior. They can only feel this way with an anxious partner.
  

Why the Anxious is Attracted to the Avoidant:

 

• The anxious person’s defense mechanism is likewise supported. The anxious person believes that they want more closeness than their partner is capable of. In addition, they believe they will be let down or hurt by their partner; this is the inevitable result when they pair with an avoidant.
  

 

• The anxious person tends to idolize avoidant tendencies. Self-sufficiency, independence, less need for another person — these are the qualities the anxious person wishes they had.
  

 

• The anxious person, being addicted to passion, mistakes the mixed signals sent by the avoidant for sparks of love. They think the avoidant might be coming around to loving them as they feel they should be, but the avoidant is just unsure what to do: they want to be in a relationship, yet they want to keep their independence.
  

Some signs that you are in the anxious-avoidant trap are extreme highs and lows in the relationship, a feeling that your relationship is uncertain, and if you’re the anxious partner, a feeling that things get worse the closer you become to your partner.

Relationships between anxious and avoidant people tend to be very unstable. Even if the relationship lasts, it is stormy and unsatisfying for both partners. The avoidant person has little desire to resolve issues — doing so would create more intimacy. So the anxious person ends up conceding to the avoidant in the Anxious-Avoidant Tug of War. Any hope for a better relationship is never realized.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Because he's selfish, and wants the ego boost. Who doesn't like that feeling, knowing they can have someone whenever they want? He wants you on his terms, which is BS. When he feels you pulling away, he'll do just enough to reel you back in and keep you there, but not enough to commit to a relationship. I've admittedly been on both sides of this scenario. I'm not proud of being on the giving end of it, but I've learned from that, as later being on the receiving end puts things in perspective.

 

You might slip up a few more times, but hopefully sooner than later you have enough and put your foot down.

 

Aww so it's just because he is selfish and wants an ego boost? That's really sad to me. Why would he want to be around me? I don't understand this.

[Still Searching]

Aww so it's just because he is selfish and wants an ego boost? That's really sad to me. Why would he want to be around me? I don't understand this.

 

A breakup isn't easy for anyone, dumper or dumpee. Cutting contact with a best friend/lover, is extremely tough. In some cases, people don't even realize what they're doing, but they wean themselves off their ex. It'll never be like it once was, but one or both of you will crave some contact. Eventually one moves on, either the dumper when they've found someone else or feel strong enough not to need the dumpee, or the dumpee when they've had enough of being jerked around and led on with no changes. Just my thoughts, based on my experiences. Others may disagree.

[feelingtorn]

I have a question. What happens when two avoidants start dating?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

A breakup isn't easy for anyone, dumper or dumpee. Cutting contact with a best friend/lover, is extremely tough. In some cases, people don't even realize what they're doing, but they wean themselves off their ex. It'll never be like it once was, but one or both of you will crave some contact. Eventually one moves on, either the dumper when they've found someone else or feel strong enough not to need the dumpee, or the dumpee when they've had enough of being jerked around and led on with no changes. Just my thoughts, based on my experiences. Others may disagree.

 

I understand, but we live together right now.

 

Maybe he just wants it to be like it was, but doesn't want me to expect anymore right now.

 

I just want to die...haha It's hard

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I have a question. What happens when two avoidants start dating?

 

Oh, I have no idea. It doesn't sound like it would work very well. Or maybe it would, who knows.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I think we can't let each other go because we have AMAZING sexual chemistry. So, sure, let's say the "in loveness" isn't there for him, but he always wants to rip off my clothes and take me. We are just very sexually attracted to each other. That's really hard to find in people these days, it's hard to find someone you are just 100% sexually compatible with (and comfortable to explore with).

 

We have always had amazing sex, every time. Over 3 years it has slowed down a little bit, but we always have a "catch up marathon" after we haven't had sex in a couple days. I could get him hard in an instant even if he wasn't feeling like sex and vice versa. We can't keep our hands off of each other and that is why living with each other is so hard, because it's bound to happen.

 

I want him as bad as he wants me...

 

We just mesh very well in that area and it's damn near perfect. I can't see myself having better sex with anyone else and he has said the same thing. He told me how in other relationships he had, sex was never this good and the girl wasn't always willing and sex often got boring/stale. But with him and I that has never been the case and I don't think ever will be.

 

So thinking about this...we have great sexual chemistry and we both love and care for each other a lot, so why can't it work? Is this "being in love" thing more of an issue with his fear to commit??

 

I mean, what is "being in love" really mean?

[Still Searching]

Wow, I can relate. You described my ex and I to a T. Always wanted each other, best sex of our lives. That's likely why my situation drug on as long as it did. The reality is, that won't hold a relationship together by itself, though...

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Wow, I can relate. You described my ex and I to a T. Always wanted each other, best sex of our lives. That's likely why my situation drug on as long as it did. The reality is, that won't hold a relationship together by itself, though...

 

Let me break it down :-)

 

1. We love each other

2. We care for each other

3. We have AMAZING sex

 

What is missing, just being in love? He told me he is afraid...afraid of getting hurt or rejected or me leaving him one day once he opens up...

[Still Searching]

Let me break it down :-)

 

1. We love each other

2. We care for each other

3. We have AMAZING sex

 

What is missing, just being in love? He told me he is afraid...afraid of getting hurt or rejected or me leaving him one day once he opens up...

 

All of those are/were true with me and my ex, too. However, if trust is broken (and one party simply leaving the relationship, even for a short while, is a break of trust), there is dishonesty, differing views on things such as religion, kids, money, etc, a relationship may flounder. If one's family strongly disagrees with two people being together, that's an added strain and pressure placed upon it. Poor communication is also a factor.

 

In my case, my ex left the relationship a few times, instead of opting to just talk through and work through things. Did I trust her to always be there? Could I see her by my side 20 years from now? Nope. She also didn't have long term goals like I did, such as a house. I scrimped and saved for a house, for US. She spent how she wanted, while saying "Find us a house", not saving anything to contribute. Naturally, I started to feel used, and resented her. She also claimed to love me, yet booked trips to CA to see a friend unannounced, didn't invite me to family functions, preferred to spend Christmas with her best girl friend instead of me. Yep, I still love this girl despite it all, but in the end, I'm the one who walked away, because I refused to subject myself to those types of things. Good sex, loving and caring for each other...none of that's enough, for me at least. Maybe I'll never connect that way with someone again, but I'd rather be alone than with someone who claims to love me, yet makes me feel alone at times.

[Never Again]

I just read this from another thread and WOAH, so true. I am the anxious person and he is the avoidant:

 

Why are people who long for closeness in relationships attracted to their complete opposites: people who prefer their independence and distance? And why are the resulting relationships unsatisfying and prone to failure? Attachment science defines a person with a strong desire for intimacy and preoccupation with their relationships as anxious. Anxious people are sensitive to perceived threats to the intimacy of their relationships. On the opposite end of the spectrum are avoidant people. Avoidants wish to reduce closeness and intimacy in order to maintain their autonomy. They are less aware of the needs of their partner.

It would seem people with such differing needs would avoid each other, but the opposite happens. Studies have shown that in a classic case of “opposites attract”, there is a mutual attraction between avoidant and anxious people. Each has particular reasons for attraction, as outlined in the book Attached:

Why the Avoidant is Attracted to the Anxious:

 

• The avoidant has built up an idea of themselves as being more capable and self-sufficient than other people. They believe that people want to “trap” them and create more intimacy than they are comfortable with. With an anxious partner their beliefs are confirmed.
  

 

• Due to their defense mechanism of self-sufficiency, the avoidant likes to feel psychologically stronger than their partner. They can not feel stronger than another avoidant or a secure partner who would not be bothered by their behavior. They can only feel this way with an anxious partner.
  

Why the Anxious is Attracted to the Avoidant:

 

• The anxious person’s defense mechanism is likewise supported. The anxious person believes that they want more closeness than their partner is capable of. In addition, they believe they will be let down or hurt by their partner; this is the inevitable result when they pair with an avoidant.
  

 

• The anxious person tends to idolize avoidant tendencies. Self-sufficiency, independence, less need for another person — these are the qualities the anxious person wishes they had.
  

 

• The anxious person, being addicted to passion, mistakes the mixed signals sent by the avoidant for sparks of love. They think the avoidant might be coming around to loving them as they feel they should be, but the avoidant is just unsure what to do: they want to be in a relationship, yet they want to keep their independence.
  

Some signs that you are in the anxious-avoidant trap are extreme highs and lows in the relationship, a feeling that your relationship is uncertain, and if you’re the anxious partner, a feeling that things get worse the closer you become to your partner.

Relationships between anxious and avoidant people tend to be very unstable. Even if the relationship lasts, it is stormy and unsatisfying for both partners. The avoidant person has little desire to resolve issues — doing so would create more intimacy. So the anxious person ends up conceding to the avoidant in the Anxious-Avoidant Tug of War. Any hope for a better relationship is never realized.

 

Yikes.

 

I actually think this describes how my relationship was towards the end, except I was the avoidant and my ex was the anxious one.

 

I didn't mean to be, and I wasn't always that way. I got spooked. Sounds like I didn't give her the fulfilling relationship she was looking for

 

That aside, Cotton, you've got to resist any sort of physical interaction with him.

 

Attraction IS "in loveness". Maybe there's some sort of greater high or inspiration he's chasing, but if he loves you and is attracted to you...

 

Good lord he's being a fool.

 

Don't enable or reward his bad behavior. If he doesn't want to be with you, he doesn't get the benefits.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

So if attractiveness is "in loveness", then why did he leave me?

 

But it's like we are together again, nothing has changed...

 

I'm SO CONFUSED.

 

I think he does wonder if there is something better like how you said, "Maybe there's some sort of greater high or inspiration he's chasing..."

 

:-(