He told me he isn't in love with me

[notthathard]

I'm a guy and even if I feel attracted to someone sexually/physically doesnt mean I'm in love with them.

If I'm attracted to them I will be willing to have sexual experiences with them, but again this doesn't mean I'm in love with them.

[Million.to.1]

Oh my God Cotton! Get the hell out of his place!

 

You need to take some power back now! Tell him you need time alone without him there to pack and move your stuff, get a friend to help you.

 

He ended the relationship. He no longer has any right to you, your body, your opinion on homewares, your dinner conversation, NOTHING!

 

He is manipulating you and it will rip you up if you don't take back some control. You were so strong before!

 

forget the sex. You'll have better. I promise you.

 

Be polite, and strong. Tell him what you need. Get out and retrieve your belongings when he can give you time to do it without him. Take support.

 

You can do this.

[BC1980]

A breakup isn't easy for anyone, dumper or dumpee. Cutting contact with a best friend/lover, is extremely tough. In some cases, people don't even realize what they're doing, but they wean themselves off their ex. It'll never be like it once was, but one or both of you will crave some contact. Eventually one moves on, either the dumper when they've found someone else or feel strong enough not to need the dumpee, or the dumpee when they've had enough of being jerked around and led on with no changes. Just my thoughts, based on my experiences. Others may disagree.

 

This is exactly what your ex is doing because mine did a lot of the stuff you are describing. I guarantee he still doesn't want a relationship in the end. Like me, you will be disgusted that you gave him anything post breakup.

[stillafool]

OP when are you moving out?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

So living with him has been decent. Today was the first day we actually just didn't get along. He told me last night to wake him up early so we can make pancakes. I woke him up like he said and he was just a grump and mean. That's what started it all.

 

I was happy before I woke him up and then I became a little priss because I'm tired of him treating me like crap.

 

After breakfast, we lay down in his bed and I told him how I have a few boxes left at my apartment and my guy friend who is a cop is going to come down and help me. He is renting a hotel and staying in town for a couple days and we are going to spend time together. His whole plan on coming down to see me was to support me through this breakup. My ex doesn't see it that way. He got super jealous and said "the guy is coming down to see you, rent a hotel room and he has no other intentions, but to have sex with you, you are so NAIVE.."

 

This cop friend I've known for a few years, but we recently got back in touch. He is a really great guy, handsome, younger than me though, believes in God, and just got out of a relationship himself. And maybe my ex is right, maybe the guy only wants sex from me, but so what? I am single and I can do what I want.

 

And I told him that.

 

Why does he care what I do with my single life? He doesn't own me. He left me.

 

After I told him I'll do what I want since I'm single, I left his room and then logged on here. He hasn't come in here or said anything else. He just doesn't care anymore. He stopped caring about me...

Edited November 28, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[BC1980]

So living with him has been decent. Today was the first day we actually just didn't get along. He told me last night to wake him up early so we can make pancakes. I woke him up like he said and he was just a grump and mean. That's what started it all.

 

I was happy before I woke him up and then I became a little priss because I'm tired of him treating me like crap.

 

After breakfast, we lay down in his bed and I told him how I have a few boxes left at my apartment and my guy friend who is a cop is going to come down and help me. He is renting a hotel and staying in town for a couple days and we are going to spend time together. His whole plan on coming down to see me was to support me through this breakup. My ex doesn't see it that way. He got super jealous and said "the guy is coming down to see you, rent a hotel room and he has no other intentions, but to have sex with you, you are so NAIVE.."

 

This cop friend I've known for a few years, but we recently got back in touch. He is a really great guy, handsome, younger than me though, believes in God, and just got out of a relationship himself. And maybe my ex is right, maybe the guy only wants sex from me, but so what? I am single and I can do what I want.

 

And I told him that.

 

Why does he care what I do with my single life? He doesn't own me. He left me.

 

After I told him I'll do what I want since I'm single, I left his room and then logged on here. He hasn't come in here or said anything else. He just doesn't care anymore. He stopped caring about me...

 

This entire situation is why you need to leave and go NC. I know you are leaving, and it's just awkward right now. I would advise to limit the contact you have with him right now as much as possible. Definitely don't get into any relationship talk. Just let him know the bare necessities of you moving out.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

This entire situation is why you need to leave and go NC. I know you are leaving, and it's just awkward right now. I would advise to limit the contact you have with him right now as much as possible. Definitely don't get into any relationship talk. Just let him know the bare necessities of you moving out.

 

He left for the gym. Didn't even say goodbye.

 

This is how it is, isn't it?

 

We aren't meant to be..

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

If he didn't care, he wouldn't have gotten upset. Of course he still cares. He's acting like a spoiled little brat who threw his toy down because he didn't want it anymore and then got mad when another kid picked it up. Just ignore this behavior..don't validate it by reacting. You did a great job by walking away instead of starting a fight.

 

Thanks for helping me feel better. But he acted so aloof afterward and silent. Feels like he doesn't care if I see this other guy..

 

I don't understand why he is upset when this is what he wanted. Giving up on me is saying another guy can have you..

 

After he left for the gym without saying goodbye I sent him this text:

 

"You don't care at all. I can't pretend like everything is fine, when it isn't. Let's start acting like roommates and nothing more. It's too confusing what we are doing"

Edited November 28, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[BC1980]

Thanks for helping me feel better. But he acted so aloof afterward and silent. Feels like he doesn't care if I see this other guy..

 

I don't understand why he is upset when this is what he wanted. Giving up on me is saying another guy can have you..

 

After he left for the gym without saying goodbye I sent him this text:

 

"You don't care at all. I can't pretend like everything is fine, when it isn't. Let's start acting like roommates and nothing more. It's too confusing what we are doing"

 

It's weird after breakups. People do and say all kinds of things. He's searching for a way to make sense of this just like you are, so I wouldn't try to analyze what he say or does too deeply. Don't send him anymore texts or engage in anymore talk about the relationship.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

It's weird after breakups. People do and say all kinds of things. He's searching for a way to make sense of this just like you are, so I wouldn't try to analyze what he say or does too deeply. Don't send him anymore texts or engage in anymore talk about the relationship.

 

was it bad that I sent that text?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Don't send anymore texts like that. Just walk away when he behaves like that. This is a toxic situation that's bound to end badly..why are you still living there?

 

It's not by choice, I don't have anywhere else to go right now. I gave up my apartment to live with him and he broke up with me. Didn't know that would happen.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

How soon can you get out of there? Do you have friends you could stay with? This is a SUPER unhealthy situation you are in right now and it sounds like it's hurting both of you.

 

It wasn't a great text..kind of dramatic, but luckily you don't have to worry about it because he's not your boyfriend. One of the benefits of not being in a relationship with someone anymore is not having to deal with their nonsense.

 

Great, now I looked dramatic. I wasn't trying to be, but guess I'm just hurt.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

It's not that big a deal..you have every right to be hurt. Don't focus on it, focus on finding a new place to live!

 

Like your username by the way..my bestie says that all the time.

 

Thanks :-)

 

He came home and I was in my room minding my own business and he comes in and stands at the doorway and just stares at me and smiles. He acted like he never got my text message. He tries to start a conversation, and asks "What's wrong, are you in a bad mood?"

 

And I said "No, I'm just sad" and he tries to stick around, but I start getting busy doing things in my room wishing I could tell him to go away and leave me alone.

 

He starts to ask me what I'm doing today for Thanksgiving, he has to work. I reply coldly. Why does he come around when I'm distant?

 

UGH.

[stillafool]

Do you have family or friends that you can move in with?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Do you have family or friends that you can move in with?

 

Yes, but it's a little more complicated that just living with them. I do have a friend that I'm moving in with in March when her lease ends.

 

Last night I was in my room and minding my own business when he comes in and starts to ask how my day was and I just said good and he is trying to get me to talk more, but I don't budge so he walks out and says "well good talk" sarcastically.

 

Then he showers and stuff and I'm still minding my own business and he comes back in my room and says "Don't be a hermit, come out and watch TV with me."

 

And I do and we sit far from each other and he keeps glancing over at me...tries to talk a little, but I'm short with him. And then we went to bed in our own beds and that was it.

 

Tonight I'm going over to my aunt's house, but I haven't told him I won't be home. So when he gets home from work I'm sure he will wonder where I am (since it's a Friday night too), but I'm not going to reply or talk to him. I want him to wonder...It's not a game, just proving to him what he lost and what he doesn't have control of anymore.

 

Yea, we have to live together for now. But I'm done watching TV together, eating together and having to tell him where I am. He dumped me, I don't need to tell him what I'm doing anymore. He left me so he doesn't get the privilege of me doing dishes or doing his laundry or cooking for him anymore. He's on his own.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

“It was a question I had worn on my lips for days - like a loose thread on my favorite sweater I couldn't resist pulling - despite knowing it could all unravel around me.

 

"Do you love me?" I ask.

 

In your hesitation I found my answer.”

-Lang Leav

 

I was laying in bed last night thinking about my relationship and it had occurred to me that over the course of 3 years with this man, I never really loved who he was/is. I had become obsessed with trying to change him. It was in that moment I realized he was never the one and never will be. I thought that over time he would be more affectionate, more attentive, more "for me", and that even if I failed, I would somehow change who I was to settle for what he is. I thought it would work either way, I was convinced it would. And it would have if I had sacrificed my happiness for it...

 

But all I built was a lie. I fell in love with what could have been, what I thought he could become. I wanted marriage, family and a strong stable relationship. I wanted these to their entirety and when I didn't get them, it just fueled my fire to keep trying. I became a slave to changing him into something he would never be.

 

I don't give up easily and especially with something I am determined to fix. I never saw it as a flaw until now, especially when hope is lost...we often ask ourselves, "what are we hanging onto?" There was something about him I craved, but I realized it was just my precious dream intruding into reality.

 

The harder I held on, the heavier the weight became. I was a burden to my own relationship like a piece of string slowing fraying, becoming weaker as the weight pressured. It was only a matter of time till things broke.

 

And I lay here in bed realizing I loved an illusion, a big shadow of a tiny mouse, a life that isn't my own...I had lied to myself all this time. I am the reason for my heart breaking.

 

Looking into his eyes all I see is an abondoned dream, a forgotten world, and an empty spot waiting to be filled by someone I can't be. He is as much wrong for me as I am wrong for him. I realized I don't know who he truly is because I never took the time to notice, I was too focused on changing him.

 

There is nothing to let go of because there was never anything to hold onto. But letting go of a lie is much harder than letting go of the truth, because when your hands try to hang on they just fall right through like trying to catch running water...

 

"I don't know what to say." he said.

 

"It's okay," she replied, "I know what we are- and I know what we're not."

Edited November 29, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Will he ever want me back? His actions are so different from what he says...He says he isn't in love with me, but his actions say he is.

[BC1980]

Will he ever want me back? His actions are so different from what he says...He says he isn't in love with me, but his actions say he is.

 

His actions say he is a cake eater.

 

If you can move out, please do so ASAP. This will only get more awkward and more difficult. I know how bad this is on you. I was dumped after 3 years, and we lived together. It's just so gut wrenching, but, the sooner you leave, the better. By staying, you are making it really easy for him to ease out of the relationship.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

His actions say he is a cake eater.

 

If you can move out, please do so ASAP. This will only get more awkward and more difficult. I know how bad this is on you. I was dumped after 3 years, and we lived together. It's just so gut wrenching, but, the sooner you leave, the better. By staying, you are making it really easy for him to ease out of the relationship.

 

AWWW :-( I wish someone could tell me something to feel better...I just hate today. My friend gave me some xanax because I'm so anxious and upset. Now I'm just tired.

 

I keep my distance at home, but why does he want to spend time with me? Did he never love me? I'm so confused.

[Never Again]

AWWW :-( I wish someone could tell me something to feel better...I just hate today. My friend gave me some xanax because I'm so anxious and upset. Now I'm just tired.

 

I keep my distance at home, but why does he want to spend time with me? Did he never love me? I'm so confused.

 

Best to not consider it.

 

Trust me.

 

I know how you feel and I've gotten a similar run around.

 

People don't know a good thing when they have it. They become acclimatized to good experiences and focus on the bad.

 

Instead of realizing that his "love" and attraction are what he needs, he's become focused on how things weren't "easy". He took your attempts to get him to "liven things up" (which he should do at least from time to time. Constant romance is overrated, but you need it sometimes or things get boring) as criticism and focused his view of the relationship around it.

 

To say something you've heard before, this is due to his view of himself, not his view of you.

 

I can't tell you how he feels or how he felt before. My ex used to be smitten with me...but when things calmed down and we stopped being so cute and lovey dovey, she decided that she "didn't feel it in her heart".

 

Stuff like this stinks. You learn to push it put of your head.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Exactly. Everything was fine until I opened my big mouth and asked for more. But I wasn't happy with mediocrity and bare minimum. I wanted him to say I love you more often and buy me flowers once in awhile, I wanted to go on a vacation. I wasn't asking for a ring or anything, just more time together, more intimacy.

 

And he took it wrong...I guess he didn't like the expectations I had of him.

 

 

 

Best to not consider it.

 

Trust me.

 

I know how you feel and I've gotten a similar run around.

 

People don't know a good thing when they have it. They become acclimatized to good experiences and focus on the bad.

 

Instead of realizing that his "love" and attraction are what he needs, he's become focused on how things weren't "easy". He took your attempts to get him to "liven things up" (which he should do at least from time to time. Constant romance is overrated, but you need it sometimes or things get boring) as criticism and focused his view of the relationship around it.

 

To say something you've heard before, this is due to his view of himself, not his view of you.

 

I can't tell you how he feels or how he felt before. My ex used to be smitten with me...but when things calmed down and we stopped being so cute and lovey dovey, she decided that she "didn't feel it in her heart".

 

Stuff like this stinks. You learn to push it put of your head.

[crederer]

Yah pretty typical response from a dumpee.

 

You'll be alright.

 

All I can suggest from a pragmatic standpoint is to contribute financially to your friend that took you in (i.e buy groceries and supplement the rent the best you can).

 

This person is not who you thought he was.

[elbe]

Holidays are the hardest. I wonder what this chap has going on in his mind. I'd kill for that kind of relationship. I guess the grass is always greener in some minds.

[Never Again]

Exactly. Everything was fine until I opened my big mouth and asked for more. But I wasn't happy with mediocrity and bare minimum. I wanted him to say I love you more often and buy me flowers once in awhile, I wanted to go on a vacation. I wasn't asking for a ring or anything, just more time together, more intimacy.

 

And he took it wrong...I guess he didn't like the expectations I had of him.

 

It's not your fault for voicing your needs.

 

Had he taken the hint and actually DONE even one of those things, I'm sure you would've calmed down.

 

You weren't trying to change him...you were trying to compromise.

 

When you love someone, you do things for them even if it's not your style. And you enjoy it.

 

I used to take my ex ghost hunting. Not my thing, but she loved it. She'd play boardgames with me even though they weren't hers.

 

I can't vouch for her, but I loved watching her light up. Seeing her suddenly smile and become passionate over something I didn't quite understand made my heart melt. It was always worth it to do these things I wouldn't otherwise. Did I change for her? Maybe a little - my behaviors changed because I wanted to make her happy - but I was always ME. I never really changed at all.

 

He couldn't seem to grasp that - that love is the ability to be selfless. To want to do things you normally wouldn't for the other person's happiness.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Yah pretty typical response from a dumpee.

 

You'll be alright.

 

All I can suggest from a pragmatic standpoint is to contribute financially to your friend that took you in (i.e buy groceries and supplement the rent the best you can).

 

This person is not who you thought he was.

 

I do. I buy my own groceries and pay rent. But I'm not cleaning, doing his laundry or giving him sex anymore.