He told me he isn't in love with me

[Minneloa]

I am sorry you are hurting, OP. I an also concerned about your current living situation, which seems downright crazy-making. March is a long ways away. Is there a friend or relative you could stay with in the meantime? Or could you get a short-term sublet? This is not to downplay the emotional aspects of your situation, but a change in location could significantly reduce your distress.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

So sad. Because he had just sent me that popular article about Marriage being selfless and yada yada, I really thought he was changing. He even told me he was trying to be more selfless...

 

He saw it as me trying to change him when really I was trying to make our relationship stronger.

 

I never would have left him...I always would have fought for us. He was worth it.

 

It's not your fault for voicing your needs.

 

Had he taken the hint and actually DONE even one of those things, I'm sure you would've calmed down.

 

You weren't trying to change him...you were trying to compromise.

 

When you love someone, you do things for them even if it's not your style. And you enjoy it.

 

I used to take my ex ghost hunting. Not my thing, but she loved it. She'd play boardgames with me even though they weren't hers.

 

I can't vouch for her, but I loved watching her light up. Seeing her suddenly smile and become passionate over something I didn't quite understand made my heart melt. It was always worth it to do these things I wouldn't otherwise. Did I change for her? Maybe a little - my behaviors changed because I wanted to make her happy - but I was always ME. I never really changed at all.

 

He couldn't seem to grasp that - that love is the ability to be selfless. To want to do things you normally wouldn't for the other person's happiness.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I am sorry you are hurting, OP. I an also concerned about your current living situation, which seems downright crazy-making. March is a long ways away. Is there a friend or relative you could stay with in the meantime? Or could you get a short-term sublet? This is not to downplay the emotional aspects of your situation, but a change in location could significantly reduce your distress.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

 

Thank you. Can I be honest?

 

I like living with him because we broke up once before and I was living on my own and I would have these awful panic attacks at night...and even though he isn't my boyfriend anymore, I find comfort in the fact that when I wake up in the middle of the night I don't get panic attacks because I know he is still there. I don't ever want to experience that again. I know I will when I move out, but I'll have 3 months under my belt of not being intimate with him and just being a friend. I would just have to continue moving forward...

[Minneloa]

Thank you. Can I be honest?

 

I like living with him because we broke up once before and I was living on my own and I would have these awful panic attacks at night...and even though he isn't my boyfriend anymore, I find comfort in the fact that when I wake up in the middle of the night I don't get panic attacks because I know he is still there. I don't ever want to experience that again. I know I will when I move out, but I'll have 3 months under my belt of not being intimate with him and just being a friend. I would just have to continue moving forward...

 

Of course you can be honest. I do see how there could be an aspect of comfort and familiarity in continuing to live with him. However, your posts seem to demonstrate that it is emotionally tortorous to interact with him. I think this is a huge obstacle to your healing process and fear it will keep you in a state of suspended animation, confusion, and false hope. Hence, my inquiry about other living arrangements.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Ugh he just emailed me.

 

He sent me pictures of tables he wants to buy for his house and he wants my opinion on them. He said he is bored at work. I think he is just trying to be my friend...

 

Do I respond?? I do have to live with him so I don't want to get into arguments...

 

If I respond, should I just be short?!

[Trick1004]

Cottonsocks,

Just read though this thread. I had a similar experience with my ex 6 months ago. Came home from work one day and got the “I love you but am not IN love with you”. Well, like you I realized there isn’t a whole lot to do when you are on the receiving end of that bombshell, but move on.

 

My ex wanted to keep living with me for the next month until the lease was up. When she said this I had to get up and walk away and a couple hours later told her no way was that happening, she could move her stuff while I was at work. Damn worst month of my life coming home from work and finding a few more things boxed up, moved out etc. I can’t even begin to imagine how much worse it would have been for me if we were still living together.

 

Get yourself out of this situation ASAP and go NC, it’s going to be a tough couple months but it will get better.

 

Trick

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Aw Trick, That's rough! And I'm scared of those feelings...

 

He doesn't want to let me go though...he is afraid he is making a wrong decision and he will regret it later. He is so back and forth I'm so very conflicted...

[Trick1004]

That's why you need to get out as soon as you can. Your ex wanted it ended right? Well let him live with that decision and get on with your life. This back and forth isn't doing you a bit of good.

 

The first couple months will be complete crap but the sooner you cut ties the sooner the healing process will happen.

[BC1980]

Aw Trick, That's rough! And I'm scared of those feelings...

 

He doesn't want to let me go though...he is afraid he is making a wrong decision and he will regret it later. He is so back and forth I'm so very conflicted...

 

He's conflicted, so you are supposed to cater to his needs? Sending you that email on the tables is downright cruel. He sounds so much like my confused ex. Don't allow yourself to be treated this way.

[stillafool]

AWWW :-( I wish someone could tell me something to feel better...I just hate today. My friend gave me some xanax because I'm so anxious and upset. Now I'm just tired.

 

I keep my distance at home, but why does he want to spend time with me? Did he never love me? I'm so confused.

 

He may still want to have sex with you because you are a woman and you are there. Stay the course and don't let him whatever you do. It will make you feel awful when it's over and he goes back to not wanting a relationship with you again. Be very careful not to let this happen.

[stillafool]

That's why you need to get out as soon as you can. Your ex wanted it ended right? Well let him live with that decision and get on with your life. This back and forth isn't doing you a bit of good.

 

The first couple months will be complete crap but the sooner you cut ties the sooner the healing process will happen.

 

I agree. You need to move out asap. Living there and knowing he doesn't want you is cruel to yourself. Any place you move to at this point is better than being under the same roof as him.

[MrBossMan]

Sorry for what you're going through, but you will get through it.

 

Take a little bit of time to think things through and to come to grips with the breakup. I think it's good for you to get out of there. Being there with him will only serve to lower your self-esteem. Go NC or at least stop having conversations with him that go beyond polite small talk. Do not attempt to go back to him even if he changes his mind and begs.

 

Take a break. Make new friends and take part in new activities (possibly at the same time). Work on upgrading yourself. Hit the gym hard. Learn new skills or a new language. Take an epic vacation with some friends. Turn your pain into something positive. Become a better you.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

This seems a bit mean...he's sending you pictures of tables he wants to buy for his new place where he's going to live without you? I'd be mad!

 

I know :-( We emailed back and forth for awhile while he was at work. I said some things I shouldn't have, but oh well. Please don't hate me guys!!!

 

After small talking for about an hour, I wrote, "I just don't know how to read you bc I know deep down inside u feel the same way I do, but ur scared I'm gonna reject you or leave you. I'm not going anywhere. It's not over for us."

 

And he was taking awhile to reply so I said "I know you ignored my last message because either you don't want to talk about it or you don't know how to let me down gently. Actions speak louder than words, so if you want to cuddle me tonight, I'll take it as you want to stay with me and work it out. You aren't someone I want to give up on, unless that's what you want."

 

A few minutes later, he replied "got busy with something, I thought you were going to dinner and won't be home till late? I'm going to be going to bed early!!!"

 

So I told him I will be home before him and then that was really it.

 

He just called me and talked to me about his day and how he will be coming home soon from work. He was talking like he used to when we were together. I swear he acts like nothing has happened between us. He said on the phone how he is going to shower, eat and go to bed because he has to work a double again tomorrow and has to be up at 4:30 am.

 

So I guess that means no cuddling...which means he doesn't want to work things out..

[Trick1004]

First of all, nobody hates you!

 

This situation is INSANELY unhealthy. You are never going to get over him while you're living with him. PLEASE do yourself a favor and get the eff out of that house FAST and then go NC as soon as humanly possible.

 

Also try not to read into his every word. In fact..try not to exchange so many words with him at all.

 

Of course he's treating you the same..he doesn't want things to be uncomfortable in the house either, and he still has all the comforts of a girlfriend without any of the responsibilities.

 

I second this from Kitty. No one here hates you, we're just providing advice based on our own experiences and will continue to do so.

 

That being said you have to get out of this situation as soon as you can. Your ex sounds like an ass and you need to cut off contact for yourself.

[Trick1004]

Ugh he just emailed me.

 

He sent me pictures of tables he wants to buy for his house and he wants my opinion on them. He said he is bored at work. I think he is just trying to be my friend...

 

Do I respond?? I do have to live with him so I don't want to get into arguments...

 

If I respond, should I just be short?!

 

This is downright cruel. He broke your heart but now wants to hear your opinion on tables he wants to buy for a house he doesn't see you as a part of?

 

Who the hell is this guy and why are you putting up with it? Tell him to f off and start getting yourself back.

[panoramicview]

Hey Socks,

 

I responded to your thread about your relationship anxieties stating that I had been experiencing the same type of anxieties, which ended my relationship. Well like you, I've had time for introspection and realized that it wasn't my anxieties that ended the relationship. My ex and I also were in an anxious and avoidant mismatch situation. I'd never felt as insecure as I had with him, and I realized that his lack of affection was a trigger for my anxious attachment style. When we were together, I literally feared telling him I missed him, because I knew it would be ignored and I would feel rejected.

 

It's hard for me to wrap my head around the situation because I've seen him put so much effort into friendships and talk about how much he loved them. But he couldn't do that with me. It's made me wonder if the issue really was me and my neediness...Anyway the situation has been pretty painful for me and I wanted to let you know you weren't alone. I hope you get over as quickly as possible and can find someone who will return all the love you have to give.

[whichwayisup]

Very!

 

My heart burns and feels like a really cold burn.

 

I know this is stupid, but could I have done anything to prevent this from happening?

 

Nope. You did nothing wrong, and there's nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening. It's just sad that he feels the way he does, but he can't help it.

What he CAN control though is, is respecting your desire to be left alone and not have a friendship. Right now, if ever, it's impossible. He hurt you deeply and it's selfish and cruel of him to expect to still be in your life and act like everything is okay, be all buddy-buddy to you.

[flight E]

I second this from Kitty. No one here hates you, we're just providing advice based on our own experiences and will continue to do so.

 

That being said you have to get out of this situation as soon as you can. Your ex sounds like an ass and you need to cut off contact for yourself.

 

Op time 4 some tough luv. U have to leave that house immediately. U seem to be enjoying the drama even though you claim not to be. It's hard break up is hard. You ex is doing what a normal guy would. There is p***y in the house and he can get some without commitment. Why not. A decent guy won't but let's face it selfless people are few. It's time for you to get selfish. It's is for you own healing and you chance to get back with him in future if you love him so much. Move out immediately. U can find a cheap motel, family anything else but staying with you ex right after a breakup. Hell you can even go to a homeless shelter

[BC1980]

Exactly. Everything was fine until I opened my big mouth and asked for more. But I wasn't happy with mediocrity and bare minimum. I wanted him to say I love you more often and buy me flowers once in awhile, I wanted to go on a vacation. I wasn't asking for a ring or anything, just more time together, more intimacy.

 

And he took it wrong...I guess he didn't like the expectations I had of him.

 

I just read back through this thread. After reading this post, I don't think think this guy was ever going to marry you if that's what you wanted in the end. You asked for simple things, and he broke up with you. 3 years is long enough to expect some kind of commitment. He should know what he wants at this point, and, after 3 years, his initial reaction to your requests shouldn't be to simply break up with you. Unless he had one foot out the door the entire time.

 

This guy is just wasting your time. He was basically living the good life on your time with no intention of commitment. He did you a favor it would seem.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I just read back through this thread. After reading this post, I don't think think this guy was ever going to marry you if that's what you wanted in the end. You asked for simple things, and he broke up with you. 3 years is long enough to expect some kind of commitment. He should know what he wants at this point, and, after 3 years, his initial reaction to your requests shouldn't be to simply break up with you. Unless he had one foot out the door the entire time.

 

This guy is just wasting your time. He was basically living the good life on your time with no intention of commitment. He did you a favor it would seem.

 

:-( You're right. I wasn't asking much after 3 years. I think people take things for granted.

 

After we emailed each other back and forth the other night and I told him "Since your bad at words, actions speak louder...so if you want to get back with me and work on things, cuddle me tonight"

 

He came home, didn't cuddle me and went to bed because he was tired.

 

I texted him "I'm upset you didn't want to "cuddle" me, but I respect your decision"

 

He texted back "Come in here, I'll cuddle you"

 

And I did. And we cuddled all night.

 

Last night was different. He asked about my cop friend that I've been talking to and I told him how he is a friend that I've known for years and I know his brother too. His reply was a grunted mumble "Oh great, I just heard good news" or something along the lines of that. And I said, "What did you say?" and he said, "oh nothing, forget it" He is jealous of my cop friend.

 

Another weird thing was how we were talking and he was doing his laundry and asked if it was okay to take off his clothes for the laundry and be naked. I said, "why wouldn't it be okay, I've seen you naked before?" and he shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know.."

 

Then we watched a movie and cuddled a little and then he asked if I wanted to sleep in his room. And I did. But I tossed and turned all night just confused.

[stillafool]

Thank you. Can I be honest?

 

I like living with him because we broke up once before and I was living on my own and I would have these awful panic attacks at night...and even though he isn't my boyfriend anymore, I find comfort in the fact that when I wake up in the middle of the night I don't get panic attacks because I know he is still there. I don't ever want to experience that again. I know I will when I move out, but I'll have 3 months under my belt of not being intimate with him and just being a friend. I would just have to continue moving forward...

 

You are fooling yourself. You will not magically be emotionally healthy to get over this guy in 3 months. You will start from 1st base like anyone else who breaks up with their SO. You can also move in with friends or family and not have the panic attacks from being alone. You can get a roommate. Asking him to cuddle with you when you know he is not in love with you is completely setting you back. I think you are staying with him in hopes that he will change his mind and ask you to stay.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

You are fooling yourself. You will not magically be emotionally healthy to get over this guy in 3 months. You will start from 1st base like anyone else who breaks up with their SO. You can also move in with friends or family and not have the panic attacks from being alone. You can get a roommate. Asking him to cuddle with you when you know he is not in love with you is completely setting you back. I think you are staying with him in hopes that he will change his mind and ask you to stay.

 

Maybe. I told him not to cuddle unless he wants to work on things..

 

Why do I feel like the bad guy when I only loved him? I feel like I did something wrong and now I am going through this...it's exhausting..

 

It sucks when someone doesn't feel the same about you...you keep thinking you can change their mind, but you can't.

[Simplysimon]

Thanks phxfire,

 

I will. I'll be as cold as I can when living with him for the next few days. It will be hard just seeing that person that you love so much right in front of you and they aren't yours anymore.

 

It's hitting me guys...

 

and it hurts.

 

I'm sorry but you need to stop this romanticising crap. If he doesn't love you cut him dead. No staying at his house, no trying to make it work. Go cry it out and get out and stay out. Each day you contact him each time you see him will only make the agony longer and longer. If you stay in touch it will ease his pain, it will let him get over you easier and screw up your brain and heart in the process.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

We were watching a movie together and I tried to cuddle with him, normally he would cuddle back, but he just laid there. I texted him earlier today and told him how I wasn't giving up on him and I knew deep down inside he loved me back. Because I thought he really did. But tonight I sure felt the indifference towards him.

 

Well, tonight I asked him why he didn't respond. And he said, "I don't want to have the same conversation over and over and I know I'm an a $ $ hole, but don't want to feel like one" So I asked, "Should I just give up and let you go?" And he shook his head yes. I told him how I thought he wanted to work on things because he cuddled me and treated me like a girlfriend still and how we had sex. You know what he said? He said "I'm a guy, I'm not going to say no to sex." My heart shattered at this time because I had no idea that's how he felt about our sex.

 

We both just sat there silent for a couple minutes not knowing what to say to each other and I was trying my best not to cry, but I couldn't move. I asked him if I could hug him and he opened his arms and I fell right into them. I started weeping and I had no idea I would do that, but I just started crying so hard and shaking. And he held me tighter as my world shattered trying to keep the pieces together...

 

Then I pushed myself off of him and walked to my room still crying and closing the door behind me. I stumbled into my bed embarrassed and broken. Just a complete mess. He came in soon after and just laid in bed next to me and held me while I continued to cry. He kissed the back of my head twice as my tears soaked the pillow. Then he got up and left. He didn't go back to watch the movie. He turned off the TV and went into his bedroom. Usually he stays up late. Not that it matters anyway.

 

I'm so heartbroken I can't move.

Edited December 2, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[Salvatore85]

Sheesh that's rough. It's going to be a tough one socks but you're going to have to move on for your own health and sanity. The one thing you need to understand though is the whole "I'm a guy, I'm not going to turn down sex" is a BS cop out. I can promise you I've turned down sex more times than I care to even mention and it's just about being a decent human being.

 

You need to get out of the horrible situation you're in right now so you can start to heal. I'm sorry you're going through this socks, keep your head up.