Aurora21 Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 I told my friend that I have feelings for him, beyond friendship, and he was "shocked" and seems upset and angry at me. The details: We're both in graduate school--he just arrived this year, and I've been here for three years. He has a girlfriend of four years (two of those years have been long distance, during which they've seen each other a total of two weeks). He has initiated our hanging out because he's new here and nearly everyone else in the community is married. Yes, I know he has a girlfriend, but every time he's spoken about the relationship he's been very negative, saying how he doesn't even know why he's still in it, how she is emotionally unsupportive, and how he doesn't know what their future is going to hold (she's in Japan for the rest of this year and may be going to law school in another state next year, so more LDR, which is wearing on them). Initially, I had no feelings for him other than as a friend. But we've spent so much time together, it's like we're in a relationship (except for being physical). We do things together all the time, are emotionally intimate, and so one day recently I realized that I have romantic feelings for him. I told him, and he got indignant and now we're not talking. Why in the world is he MAD at me? I don't get it. I understand it was risky to tell him, and that it would affect our friendship, maybe even kill it, but I knew I had to say something before I got more attached and spent even more time with him when I could be channeling my time and energy into finding a real boyfriend. I have felt like the 'rental girlfriend'--he's getting his emotional needs met by me without having to make me his girlfriend. Anyone have experience with this--where a confession of feelings elicits anger in the other person? Thanks.
mammasita Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 He's probably mad because you've just ruined the friendship. Pretty simple from what you've written. 2
todreaminblue Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Could be because he is in a relationship(not just dating someone) he got mad that you didnt consider that before you said something...........i think it is a bit unfair on you to be an emotional tampon and for him then to get mad but that's my opinion....deb
ThomasD Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 . . . one day recently I realized that I have romantic feelings for him. I told him, and he got indignant and now we're not talking. Why in the world is he MAD at me? I don't get it. I understand it was risky to tell him, and that it would affect our friendship, maybe even kill it, but I knew I had to say something . . . I admire your courage and think you did the right and honorable thing. You have integrity - don't berate yourself for that. And you have the intelligence to recognize that your friendship was developing in a potentially frustrating direction. Intelligent girls are attractive and sexy (at least to me). You've shown a lot of very desirable character traits! His response may be partially the result of realizing that he needs to evaluate his relationship with the other girl. Perhaps he will decide to improve and develop it - perhaps he will decide to downgrade or even abandon it. Of course, the other girl is a major factor in his decision, too. He now knows there may possibly be other options to her. Certainly don't pursue him but don't accept the idea that your friendship is totally over forever. Sounds like he acted irrationally, and may take an opportunity to back out (at least partially) from his position if you don't totally close the door to that possibility. To some extent accommodation and flexibility, but much more importantly grace and forgiveness are significant characteristics of many successful relationships. 2
Author Aurora21 Posted November 26, 2013 Author Posted November 26, 2013 Thanks, all, for your input. I appreciate it.
spiderowl Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 Maybe it's a 'don't make my life any more complicated than it is at the moment' type of reaction. Perhaps he's not as emotionally sorted as he thinks he is. 1
iam27F Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Well I'm kind of in your friend's situation right now. I would say he either (1) is mad because it's a complication he didn't ask for and doesn't want to deal with, or (2) likes the way things are at the moment, and is mad because they will probably have to change. That said, there is nothing wrong with telling him how you feel. 1
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