How do I end our relationship?

[Nothisgirl]

Hi there, I'm new to posting but I've been reading for a while...I'm looking for some input ...if anyone can help.

 

I am an OW. There, I said it. But it doesn't feel like I am. It feels like we are in a real relationship (emotionally and physically) I feel like I am his priority (although he's often not mine be use I maintain some distance to keep myself sane) he is there physically and emotionally and we spend a lot of time together. We laugh and talk and connect on so many levels. Obviously the problem is he is married and I can't go on being the OW. The guilt is tearing me up.

 

Here is a few more details... Some back story I guess

-We met at the Gym in march and have been inseperable since. We had a deep friendship first and then. An ea and it progressed to a pa over the summer.

-He has been married for 20 years and has 3 teens

-I am divorced and have 2 children under 10

-we take weekends away together and spend at least one to two nights a week together

-we workout together every day

-we talk and text at all times thought the day, even when he is home, we never go to bed or start our day without messaging each other

-he speaks highly of his wife, loves her but is not in love and hasn't been for years. I am not his first affair, however he swears it different (yes I know thAt sounds dumb but I do believe him)

-he has not promised to leave and I don't pressure him. That said he has Sadi he is putting things in place financially so he can leave and that he doesn't want to live his life like this.

- he's in love with me. Deeply. I believe this. However he doesn't know what to do

-we are friends and lovers. It's the most amazing partnership I've had and he feels the same

 

So here's where I am at. I'm done. Im done because i have to be..i can't be the OW and I don't want my life on hold...but I love him and would welcome a real relationship after he leaves (if he leaves ) HOW DO I GET OUT... Logistically AND emotionally , how do I do it?

He knows where I stand and that I think he'd need to be on his own after leaving his marriage and then we'd have to start new..he knows this I just don't think he thinks I would follow through because we are deeply in love and happy together

 

But I have to and I know this. I just don't know how..can any one offer any advice?

 

Also, I know this is so wrong. I get it. You don't need to tell me that..promise

 

Thanks in advance

[Sub]

-we take weekends away together and spend at least one to two nights a week together

 

How do you guys pull this off if he's still married, might I ask? I would think the first thing you need to do is find a way to not spend so much time together.

[Nothisgirl]

How do you guys pull this off if he's still married, might I ask? I would think the first thing you need to do is find a way to not spend so much time together.

 

Sorry that was misleading... We've done it twice an once he said he was going on a golf trip.

 

That said e has spent virtually whole weekend at my house leaving to go home at like 3 am coming back the next night and she doesn't ask tells him she doesn't care. He suspects she's doing the same thing (not that that would make this ok, I only say that because she really seems to not care what he does) some weeks he's at my house 4 nights (ftr, never while my kids are home)

 

Also, I've tried to put some distance space wise.we weren't very good at it obviously :/

[mikecr50]

Tell him bluntly and give him the reasons, oh it will hurt like pulling duct tape out of your hair, if he truly cares about your feelings he would respect that you can't keep going conflicted like this. He may try giving a time frame when you can be together etc. but thats most likely a false hope for you-sorry.

[Nothisgirl]

Tell him bluntly and give him the reasons, oh it will hurt like pulling duct tape out of your hair, if he truly cares about your feelings he would respect that you can't keep going conflicted like this. He may try giving a time frame when you can be together etc. but thats most likely a false hope for you-sorry.

 

Thank you mikecr50, I know, I just need to do it, it's just that I've tried and I never follow through..but I must...do you think it's appropriate to tell him on text or the phone...idk that I can look in his eyes and end it...that's how I get sucked back in.... He asked me today if we could do a few days away to NYC ... I'm going to tell him no, that when or if he is single we can.

[veryhappy]

Keep trying until you make it on the other side. It's beyond hard, but you have the determination necessary.

 

If you'd never be together with him again, would you rather go on that trip? If you can enjoy it, go. Letting go of such a connection feels like everything is slipping through your fingers and there's nothing left...almost as if it never happened.

 

Do it by whatever medium it works for you. You can give him one face to face discussion to say hey I can't do it and at some point I will go NC, don't act surprised.

 

If he's truly done cheating and wants yo live differently, he will. If he's not done, nothing about you will make any difference.

[Nothisgirl]

Keep trying until you make it on the other side. It's beyond hard, but you have the determination necessary.

 

If you'd never be together with him again, would you rather go on that trip? If you can enjoy it, go. Letting go of such a connection feels like everything is slipping through your fingers and there's nothing left...almost as if it never happened.

 

Do it by whatever medium it works for you. You can give him one face to face discussion to say hey I can't do it and at some point I will go NC, don't act surprised.

 

If he's truly done cheating and wants yo live differently, he will. If he's not done, nothing about you will make any difference.

 

Thank you.. This almost brought me to tears.. I feel so fragile. I'm a strong woman typically and I've never let myself love or be loved like this, not even with my ex husband and yes..it feels like everything is slipping through my hands...that said, I'm worth more than being the ow and more then that the guilt of being the ow is tearing me up...Ty again for your response

[Cdngirl5279]

I hear you there! It is incredibly hard, but with determination you can do this. I'm 5 or 6 weeks out from the end of my relationship, and I'm feeling much much MUCH better than I was in the first few days.

 

You are right, you deserve to me MORE than 'just the ow'. You deserve someone that can give you 100% of their time, all of the time. It sounds like we had a situation with some similarities. I had a very close relationship with my MM and we saw, texted etc at all hours of the day and night. It will be tough, don't get me wrong....but you can do it because you deserve better.

 

Good luck!