Happily married but craving a lesbian relationship

[HappilyHopeless]

I was very reluctant to register here but I've been dealing with these feelings for a while now and I feel like there's no one I can talk to. I have been married for about 3 years to a wonderful man. He's my best friend and I love him to death. I don't know what I would do without him. We've been together about 8 years total and I don't ever want to hurt him. I don't think I could ever cheat on him, the guilt would eat me alive. Plus I've never cheated on anyone. I've been cheated on and I wouldn't wish the pain and feeling of betrayal on anyone. The problem I'm dealing with is that I am bisexual. I know this and my husband does as well. I've known since I can remember and have had sexual experiences with women in the past but I chose to marry & commit to this man. The thing is, we don't have sex very often and when we do it's not very exciting for me. I feel really bad saying that, it sounds awful. I woke up this morning after having a dream of kissing etc. another woman and it was just amazing. I opened my eyes and just layed there thinking damn it wasn't real. then I turned over to see my husband sleeping next to me and felt so guilty. These feelings won't go away and I'm afraid they will always be there. I don't want to hurt my husband and I don't know what to do. Do I ignore my feelings and stick to my vows? I know my husband would not be open to a 3some which I don't want anyway. and I know he would not want me to be with another woman, it would be just as bad as being with another man, which I understand. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place I guess you could say. any advice or thoughts would be helpful....

[gaius]

You don't seem to be ready to divorce or cheat on him so that really only leaves one option. Stick to your vows, put up with bad sex and occasionally have sexy dreams. For now at least.

 

I think if a point does come in the future where you're ready to leave him or experiment on the side you'll probably know it, your body will just force you into it. For now check out Girl Candy Films when he's out of the house.

[Johnsmith1003]

He may not let you go on your own to experiment, but what about being in the same room at least? I know I would accept it if my wife wanted the same thing, but it would feel too much of a violation if I wasn't there in the same area at least. You can get out your feelings for wanting to be with a woman for a change but he may (or may not) feel left out. It may not work because not many guys share the same mentality as me, but it may be worth giving it a shot?

[bubbaganoosh]

When I was married to my first wife a long time ago, I had a dream of a woman I saw on one of my job sites. That doesn't mean that I had to go find her and have sex with her.

 

If your going to be married to your husband, then be married to him.

 

I've seen this so many times on this forum and other one too where a bi sexual woman marries a heterosexual man, gets a yearning for having sex with a woman and she thinks that she's entitled to satisfy her desires just because she's bisexual.

 

Boils down to this. You can't have everything you want. If that's the case then you should have stayed single. Your a grown woman who made a choice. stick with it or go on your way.

 

It's like a fat man trying to lose weight but has to have a gallon of ice cream just because he had a dream about it. Know what I mean?

[twosadthings]

Do everything you can to make your intimate relationship with him satisfying for you. Don't give up until you can say you've left no stone unturned. That may mean counciling of varied types, serious discussions where all bases are covered no matter how embarrassing or hurtful (never hateful though) and perhaps even an ultimatum if necessary.

 

Cheating is never necessary or an option. It may be ascribed to a certain reason or reasons but can never be excused. No one should be married and unhappy with their sex life but that dissatisfaction would be in my opinion reason for a divorce only after it is honestly addressed and worked on thouroughly.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

[Spectre]

I just feel it is hard to say you are happily married if you are "craving" an affair. You said you rarely have sex with your husband and it is not good. Sex is a part of marriage and your sex life is apparently pretty bad, bad enough to leave you wanting others. So I would not say you are specifically happily married, though it does seem like in all other aspects the marriage is good so that is a good sign.

 

That said, I do think you love your husband because you haven't acted on these feelings. Unfortunately a lot of people do act on them. Some people are telling you to just deal with it and stick to your vows, but I disagree.

 

Make no mistake, I definitely think you should stick to your vows..nobody deserves to be cheated on. I, like you, have been cheated on and it instilled in me that inability to ever do that to anyone else. Anyways, I do not think you should simply just "deal"with it either. You need to talk to your husband, you need to have a serous discussion about your sex life. You need to discuss how you aren't happy with it or feeling fulfilled, etc. You need to try to think of ways to make it better(there are plenty of things out there to try).

 

I realize that a lot of women would probably be hesitant to tell a guy he is not good in bed because they don't want to hurt him, especially if they love him. However, in the long run it is better. As a guy I can tell you it certainly wouldn't be an easy thing to hear, but it would also motivate me to try a lot harder. At the end of the day, maybe people who are just dating might avoid a conversation like that, but people who are married should definitely be close enough to have these kinds of discussions.

 

I also have to ask: does he know you aren't enjoying the sex? Do you act like you are? I only ask since I'm curious if he is aware of how you are not enjoying it or not. Also why don't you find sex with him exciting?

Edited November 26, 2013 by Spectre

[salparadise]

With the exception of your fantasy being a same sex encounter, your situation is not so different from that which most married people experience at some point. I don't mean to minimize your concern, and I do understand that your experience is uniquely yours, and your happiness is important. But that being said, there are many situations in life where you simply cannot have your cake and eat it too––this is one of them.

 

The difference it seems is that you haven't resolved certain dichotomies, come to terms with some inherent distinctions as you must...

 

Fantasies are ideations that feel attractive and exciting, but some fantasies are mutually exclusive with real life and therefore must exist only as ideations.

 

You cannot sexually betray someone you love, and who loves you with all their heart, without hurting them deeply and destroying the wonder of that love.

 

You cannot betray yourself and your values without suffering and losing an important piece of your core being.

 

You cannot tell your husband that sex with him is awful, that he doesn't excite you sexually, without hurting him.

 

I could go on listing the nuances around these points, but I'm sure you grasp it the cognitive sense. What you have to do is accept and integrate it emotionally so that you can be at peace giving up one thing to have another. It seems you already know what you value.

[aliveagain]

Be honest with your husband, tell him what your feeling. You have only been married three years how will you last a lifetime with him? You need to have this discussion with him or learn to live the experience in your minds fantasy only. Cheating will destroy your marriage and change you, who knows, he may agree to the occasional threesome if he knows it will save his marriage.

[Phantom888]

Therapy. This is probably the only way to save your marriage. I seriously don't understand why your husband would not be open to a F-M-F 3some. I means, it is so erotic to watch one's wife get it on with another woman. I seriously don't think it's the same as watching you with another man. That would be bad. Would you have issues with a 3some where you and your husband have sex with the 3rd party woman? This could be really fun, as long as you all have a good understanding.

[ThatMan]

Therapy. This is probably the only way to save your marriage. I seriously don't understand why your husband would not be open to a F-M-F 3some. I means, it is so erotic to watch one's wife get it on with another woman. I seriously don't think it's the same as watching you with another man. That would be bad. Would you have issues with a 3some where you and your husband have sex with the 3rd party woman? This could be really fun, as long as you all have a good understanding.

In any relationship, especially any good marriage, mutual respect and open communication is vitally important. While one could assume these things are desirable by a spouse and actively avoid speaking about it, the reality is that you just cannot presume to understand what goes on in somebody's mind. This fantasy is equally likely to be undesirable for any given man. You cannot be considerate of someone by ignoring a person and remaining silent while just going for it. Martial problems fester and grow when left in the dark and permitted to continue. Just something to think about. I think some thoughtful advice has already been given by several people in that regard.

Edited November 26, 2013 by ThatMan

[pteromom]

As bubba said, you can't have everything you want. When you choose marriage, you are choosing to leave other options behind. This is true whether someone is bi or straight.

 

So instead, try to make your sexual relationship with your husband better. If you like the slow soft kissing you share with a woman, talk your husband into some slow soft kissing (and be very enthusiastic and reward him greatly when he does it, so he'll want to do it again.)

 

If you want more of a certain act or certain style of sex, then make it happen.

 

If your husband has PE or ED, look online for tools and resources to help with the issue.

 

You can make things a lot better for yourself within your marriage.

[drifter777]

What you are feeling is no different than what any heterosexual married person feels from time to time. If you decide to just get with some girl and hope he never finds out you should think again. Go read some of the stories on the Infidelity forum. You'll see that it's tough to keep this kind of secret and he might just bust you on his own. Either way you are risking your marriage so be forewarned.

[crederer]

Is it possible that you're a lesbian and are in denial?

[HappilyHopeless]

I actually brought up the 3some to him the other night and just asked him where he stood on it and he said he might be open to it ffm if it was a stranger and a one time thing with that person. I might also be open to it in the same circumstances but that's not something I am actively looking for. I am also not actively looking for relations with anyone other than my husband. If you read my whole post you would understand why I was seeking advice. I also am fully aware that marriage vows are the same, regardless of sexual orientation. I am not making excuses, I was simply asking for advice, which I got a lot of thoughtful suggestions here, and thank you for that. I think I'm going to just try to implement the things that I love about being with a woman, into my sexual relationship with my husband and see where that takes me. And who knows? Maybe one day, we'll meet someone adventerous that digs us both ;o)

[campfire]

I think it's a good thing you talked to your husband about this. My girlfriend is bisexual and we have openly talked about possible issues in the future, and its good to know we're in the same boat. If she wants to have sex with another woman I have told her I would like to take some part in it, either by just being in the same room or by having a threesome. She doesn't have this need now, but I'm pretty sure it will come up at some point just like in your case.

 

Do you feel like sex alone with another woman would be better than a threesome in terms of getting sexual fulfillment from being with a woman?

[Spectre]

I don't know, my rule is if you really love the other person you don't bring anyone else into the bedroom.