So much Regret

[ShannonBanana]

Underneath all the anger and hurt is just a big well of sadness. It seems to go on forever. I keep thinking about all the things I did to precipitate this divorce. I wasn't perfect...lord knows he was good at pointing those things out. Every fault or insecurity I had. I felt like I could never do good enough in my life or for our marriage to his liking.

 

And I built a wall around myself that got so high that we could no longer see each other over the bricks. Sometimes I outright pushed him away. I couldn't give him what he needed. I was never getting much of what I needed emotionally. He kept telling me what he needed from me and I just couldn't give it all. I was struggling with all the frustrations of his criticisms, leaving my home behind to live in Scotland, adjusting, missing home, unsure of the future, living a transient life and always adjusting to the stress of our failing marriage. It felt like a train wreck where I had little control of the speed.

 

And that is what I did. Perhaps I shouldn't have built that wall. Perhaps I could have focused on the good parts about him (there were actually quite a few) instead. There were some ways he was incredibly supportive. And some ways he was quite the opposite. I did so much for our marriage...and he still denies that I did much of anything. He still says that all of our stresses and problems were my problem.

 

I have so many regrets...they swirl around me. And I am left feeling remorseful for how everything went down. And powerless to stop the end of my only marriage.

Edited November 26, 2013 by ShannonBanana

[M30USA]

1) Are you officially divorced?

2) If yes, how long ago?

3) Do you have children together?

[ShannonBanana]

Hi,

 

Not officially divorced. Legally have to be here in Cali for 6 months before I can file and I haven't been here for even 2 months yet. Husband can't file against me in France. We have been separated since August 1.

 

No children.

Edited November 26, 2013 by ShannonBanana

[alonefornow]

I did so much for our marriage...and he still denies that I did much of anything. He still says that all of our stresses and problems were my problem.

 

These two sentences tell so much. Reading through your other threads, this attitude from him is a pattern. No relationship, and certainly no marriage, can be successful if one partner is unwilling to a) acknowledge the participation and effort from the other partner, and b) accept responsibility for issues that arise. Marriages break down, some are reparable with work, others aren't. But that work always has to come from both partners.

 

To say all of the stresses and problems were your problem is a ludicrous statement. Even saints can cause stress and problems, and we both know he is not a saint. But even worse than the obvious falsehood of that generalization is how dismissive it is of you raising issues and problems. This is your marriage every bit as much as it is his, to be so dismissive of one's partner takes a callousness that I have difficulty fathoming.

 

Spend some more time with your sadness, but don't let him heap blame upon you. The emotional fallout of your situation is probably closer to the beginning than the end. Don't let him twist your emotions around on you. It seems like he's going to try.

[ShannonBanana]

Thanks Alonefornow! It's hard to see the forest for the trees in times like this.

 

I needed to remind myself of the things that I did do, the grace that I did show and that the walls were a defence mechanism for dealing with the frustrations of someone who thought I needed to be changed over and over again.

 

Those walls were built for a reason. I had to build them when I started to realise the person I was dealing with had some real issues that he would never look at in himself. We once had a marriage counsellor suggest he get his own counselling which he never did. Although I did. On several occasions to try to address if I wanted to stay in my marriage and how to get myself out of it.

 

I have been working on taking taking ownership over my own feelings by not letting the things he says or opinions bother me. I want to take my power back now. I tried so hard to keep it in the marriage, but I was up against a very demanding personality. And I wanted him to be happy in the marriage so his words affected me then. But now that it's all over...it's time to see it for what it was and let it go.

 

Dare I say I have had a feeling of acceptance. I have started to feel as though that marriage would have never worked.

 

Perhaps that seed of acceptance will grow.

Edited November 26, 2013 by ShannonBanana

[trippi1432]

Spend some more time with your sadness, but don't let him heap blame upon you. The emotional fallout of your situation is probably closer to the beginning than the end. Don't let him twist your emotions around on you. It seems like he's going to try.

 

Agree with everything alonefornow stated above, and just to add, when you have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship, it's almost natural to take all the word vomit you have heard for years and turn it on yourself, making yourself the failure. The self esteem is damaged so much in these types if non-caring, non-nurturing, non-supportive relationships, it takes a while to unlearn blaming yourself.

 

For every negative thought you have that you remember him saying, you need to really ask yourself if that is how you see you and how others see you. I totally get the pain you are going through, our punisher is gone so now we continue the cycle of abuse we have gotten so used to by punishing and abusing ourselves. There is anger, inner-directed most of the time, make sure this is not what you are doing to yourself rather than him doing this to you. We can be our own worst enemy sometimes, living in our pain, putting our abuser on a pedestal. Healing is being able to recall some of the good things, but finding indifference to the bad things. You are allowed to forgive yourself, you are allowed to find happiness and you are allowed to move forward. You could never control the situation, your love could also never change his learned behavior, the only thing you can control is you, how you love and care for yourself, and how you react to this pain and heal.

[ShannonBanana]

I guess the most frustrating part isn't so much that I believe what he says but that he does. He believes everything he said with all his heart.

 

Every thought that he thinks is correct in his mind. There is no other side, no other perspective that could possibly be valid. And that the end result is that in his mind I wasn't (good) enough to be his wife and he wants a divorce. I guess he has some idea of a perfect woman who does everything just as he thinks it should be done. And that isn't me.

 

And that is where my sadness and frustrations are and always have been. It was hard to have a marriage with him.

Edited November 28, 2013 by ShannonBanana

[ShannonBanana]

And I guess the crazy part is that I was the person most frustrated in the marriage. I guess I would have gone a little bit longer beating my head against the wall with him...but ultimately it could have easily been me that made this decision sooner or later..because he sure as hell wasn't going to change anything.

[trippi1432]

I guess the most frustrating part isn't so much that I believe what he says but that he does. He believes everything he said with all his heart.

 

Every thought that he thinks is correct in his mind. There is no other side, no other perspective that could possibly be valid. And that the end result is that in his mind I wasn't (good) enough to be his wife and he wants a divorce. I guess he has some idea of a perfect woman who does everything just as he thinks it should be done. And that isn't me.

 

And that is where my sadness and frustrations are and always have been. It was hard to have a marriage with him.

 

If I may, I'd like to quote something you stated several months ago:

 

My H told me about 8 weeks ago, just as I was in the throws of recovering from double jaw surgery that he wanted a divorce. The timing was awful. After he insisted that we would never have any hope to work on our relationship or a reconciliation, I asked him to move out and he finally did just two weeks ago.

 

Truth - I wasn't happy in the marriage. I felt that we would work it out. He blames me entirely for the failing of our marriage and refuses to see how he contributed to it in any fashion.

 

But I know that he grew up in a family where emotional abuse was considered a 'loving' way to behave (demeaning each other in front of other people, judging and criticising your loved ones, minimising their feelings, opinions and thoughts, etc). Not only did he bring all these behaviours to our marriage but he thinks that doing those same things are completely normal ways to interact in a loving marriage. He doesn't want to change those things about himself and ultimately this stubbornness has left me feeling drained.

 

This was my exH's background as well, I never could truly understand it. I didn't grow up this way, but I actually hoped that I would bring something to his life that would help him grow as a person. What I came to understand in my 15 year relationship with this man, is that there is a jealousy and contempt for those that are not like them. That IS their normal life, I bet if you look at his family, you will see the same thing....and the demoralizing fact of it, is that they have low self-esteem. Pointing out each other's deficits makes them feel better about themselves.

 

And I guess the crazy part is that I was the person most frustrated in the marriage. I guess I would have gone a little bit longer beating my head against the wall with him...but ultimately it could have easily been me that made this decision sooner or later..because he sure as hell wasn't going to change anything.

 

I kicked myself for the better part of three years after he left (which was four days after I came home from the hospital after a major surgery, sound familiar?) It's funny how you guilt yourself that you wouldn't or couldn't walk away from what was hurting you, but you hit the nail on the head that nothing was going to change, he wasn't capable of that. I beat myself up because I wasn't strong enough to either leave or not let him come back, yet I was the independent one (I finally understand now that I was the co-dependent one).

 

I wish I could tell you not to beat yourself up and that you would accept that. I wish I could tell you that it isn't your fault, because it isn't, but you won't believe that until you respect yourself, and you rid yourself of his blame (it's all he knows, but it's not your burden to continue to bear). To stop blaming yourself over something you never had control of, that's healing.

 

Let him find that "perfect woman", if you weren't the "Perfect woman" for him in his biased opinion, let him go. He was probably not the perfect man for YOU to begin with....and it's okay to admit that.

[ShannonBanana]

Hi Trippi! And Happy Thanksgiving. Wow the parallels in our exes are so interesting. Like you, I wasn't home from the hospital for a week when he told me the news. My teeth were rubber banded shut so i couldn't talk at the time. And there was no immanent reason to tell me this news right then, he could have easily waited another week or even month...he had no plans to move out or anything.

 

It really is hard to wrap one's head around that way of thinking and treating someone you love, isn't it? Perhaps we can be glad we don't find that behaviour compatible with our own. Talk about dysfunctional!

 

The more I write about it, the more I feel like 'good riddance'. Time to move onward and upward.

 

Thank you for reminding me of what I said before. Sometimes just writing and reading these things is reaffirming.

[trippi1432]

Hi ShannonB, Happy Thanksgiving!!

 

Onward and upward is the best thing, there are always battles in the beginning. But I can tell you, four years out now from my own situation, I've been treated better, respected and cared for by, both myself, and others than I was for those 15 years with my exH. Those previous years were so much chaos that I even stopped caring about me....at least that is the way it felt at the time, after all, I seemed to be the biggest issue (per his blame).

 

Reading your posts and how he did put this to you while recovering from surgery, yes, I know that hurt. I feel it is that part that becomes even harder to get over because you are at your most vulnerable...it's a time when you need a supportive, loving and caring individual to be there for you.....and this personality type just does not know how to do that. It's really not you or anything you have done, it's goes beyond selfishness, the focus isn't on them seems to be one of the issues.

 

He took one of the truly vulnerable moments in your life and made you feel even more helpless to want to discuss divorce when you couldn't even discuss it in your physical state. That's a coward, it's not how you treat someone you love....I don't think either one of us could validate the reasoning with these blameshifters, it is dysfunctional.

 

In my case, even though he left and said he wanted the divorce, I filed it. I needed my life back, there had already been enough happiness lost over the years, and there was no use in sitting in limbo. Hopefully you will be able to reclaim you, you seem to be on your way....that's a good thing. The time is now to define what happiness looks like for you. Keep your head up.

[ShannonBanana]

I, too, will be the one who will file for the divorce (doing the dirty work) since my husband no longer lives in the States. I spend all my time focusing on rebuilding a great life for myself. But once in a while, like right now, it hits me...I'm doing this alone.

 

It's really hard being back in California...where we started our life together. All the memories keep flooding back at every turn.

 

I guess it's all part of the process, but it sure does hurt sometimes.

 

(sigh)