how to move on from an abusive relationship?

[jessiej]

I was in a very abusive relationship for 3 years. It started when I was 15, and am just about to turn 18. I dealt with stuff noone should have to. The man I was with completely manipulated me, and isolated me from everyone. I lost every single one of my friends. He emotionally abused me and controlled me everyday. Once I lost all of my friends and had no one at all to turn to, he started to physically abuse me.

 

I stayed always hoping he would change. He thought it was okay to scream at me, and when I cried he'd freak out on me and scream at me more and call me names, then things would escalate and get physical where he would push me around, choke me, and threaten to hit me...

 

I stuck around because I had no one. No one to talk to and no one to be there for me if I ever got strong enough to leave him.

 

About a month ago, he started cheating on me then dumped me. He said a lot of very mean things. I tried to call him to talk and he would just scream at me saying I was crazy and a bitch and he was going to call the cops on me, he said he hated me and being in a relationship with me for so long was stupid.

 

I've been left with no friends and no one there for me, and I have no self confidence or respect for myself after going through everything.

 

I'm struggling so much with being okay. I don't understand how someone could say they loved me, then treat me like this. And I don't understand how you can give someone your everything and they can treat you so poorly for no reason.

 

How do I move on from this? I've tried keeping my mind off everything, working out, reading, getting sleep and eating right, but I still find myself crying at the end of each day praying I can go to sleep and never wake up

[Confusion_Reigns]

Do you have family that can support you? Maybe your parents or siblings? Aunties or Uncles? I'm no expert on this but I think you'd do yourself a world of good to open up to those people and ask them for help/support. Your family.

 

You'd probably do good to go to counseling of some sort. Or a woman's shelter? Something like that...those people understand what your going thru and they know how to help you get thru this mess.

 

Also, something I've done for a long time is to write positive sayings on my bathroom mirror that I read every day. It helps.

 

Good luck to you and please understand that he didn't ever really and truly love you in a good and healthy way. You loved in the best way you knew how but you need to love yourself the very most and the very best.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

well ma' dear, first off, you need to figure out if youre a strong enough girl NOT to go back to him.

 

you said that after all he did, you still tried to call him back to talk, right?

 

statistically, you have a very high % chance of ending up with this creep again.

 

so..before anything else, you need to look in a mirror and tell yourself you deserve better. go. now. and say "I deserve better". even wait until no one else is home, and scream it at yourself.

 

if you cant handle hearing it from yourself.... youre never going to believe anyone.

 

figure that out, and everything else will fall into place. one step at a time!

[regine_phalange]

Oh my god, you are so young. I'm sorry that you had to deal with the worst kind of relationship in such a tender age.

 

Let me tell you one thing though; you are SO lucky that he left. Believe me. Do you know what would happen if he wanted to stay? Do you want to know what happened to me? I was almost killed from the person who "loved" me. And after I left him, he was blackmailing me with warnings of suicide. Some people are heartless and evil. Some of us are too naive, bordering to stupid. Accept that and move on.

 

You (and I) have hit the bottom. The dirt of human relationships. There is no worse than this. Use this knowledge for your benefit. BE STRONG girl. Demand respect! Don't accept to be treated less than something precious. Be happy for your freedom. Be happy that your body is healthy. Mourn only the years you wasted. Then move on. Relationships should be enriching us; bring us joy, happiness, laughter.

[jessiej]

thank you so much everyone for your nice replies!!

I really think that even if he came back, I wouldn't even take him back because I KNOW I deserve better, and i'm struggling to understand why I ever stayed with someone who abused me? I didn't love myself, at all, but I am slowly trying to again.

 

It's just so hard to get through something like this when you have no one. My parents are there for me, except if I opened up to them about what happened, I know my dad would freak out and probably do something stupid like go to his house, and I know my mom would feel so bad for not recognizing the signs that something was going on, and they would blame themselves for not protecting me, even though it's not their fault.

 

it's just hard because I think I would be better if I had some friends to go out with, and do things with to get my mind off of everything i've been through, but all my friends left me

 

I am deep down, truly happy that I no longer that to deal with everything he put me through, i'm just struggling to find my self worth

[M30USA]

Can you give specific examples of both his verbal and physical abuse?

 

What was the specific nature of his cheating? Emotional or physical?

[jessiej]

well, he was very manipulative and controlling in the begining of our relationship. I couldn't talk to other guys, and he slowly made me lose all of my friends. As far as verbal abuse goes, he would call me a bitch, cunt, fat, when we fought and id cry he would call me a cry baby, he would always say little things to put me down. He screamed at me basically everyday till the point of me bawling my eyes out. As for physical abuse, he'd push me, he threw me on his bed and choked me, he pulled me down to the ground, he'd threaten to hit me. When I would try and leave his house hed grab me and slam the door and hold it shut. When I was trying to leave, he would hold knives to his throat, he'd threaten to take a bottle of pills, he'd smash my belongings on the ground, he smashed his head off a glass clock and it shattered. He actually cut his arm about 10 times in front of me, and there was blood everywhere and he just screamed that it was my fault. When I would finally make it out of his house, he'd call me and say he just swallowed a bottle of pills, of cut himself, and i'd have to run back to him.

 

He never actually admitted to cheating, but I saw many messages of him flirting with other girls, and then he deleted them so I wouldn't see them, and the day after he dumped me he was sleeping with one of the girls, which led me to believe he cheated on me. He also cheated on his last gf, so I just assumed.

[regine_phalange]

Oh, gosh what a loser he is!

Slowly you will gain back everything.. You will see. It is so hard to share your situation sometimes. Even if you have friends left, its hard talking about it, because they dont always understand if they havent been through something similar. You can come here and talk to us if you want though! Everything will fall in its right place gradually. I cant stop thanking god that you are free from this schizo!

[jessiej]

thank you! im glad i'm free from someone like that too, it's just hard not having anyone. I guess it is better to be alone than with someone who doesn't treat you right, but it's still hard

[regine_phalange]

thank you! im glad i'm free from someone like that too, it's just hard not having anyone. I guess it is better to be alone than with someone who doesn't treat you right, but it's still hard

Did you try to get back in touch with your old friends?

It is very possible that if they don't want to be in touch after you contact them, they weren't your true friends to start with... I mean real friends are understanding with this kind of stuff. But don't worry, happens to everyone. It's a way to filter the important people. You will meet new friends with time... It can be a bit boring till then, so do your hobbies, your work, whatever you like and have to do. And everything will come. You may also spend time with your family. Go to the movies with your mum. Go fishing with your dad. This can be very soothing, comforting.

 

And be the center of your life. Focus on you! Your wants, your needs. Oh boy, after breaking up I remember not being able even to hop out of bed for a couple of months. I was missing my ex too much, didnt want to see anyone. Very depressing. Then, I started my masters and everything got a lot better. And gets better year after year. Your life just starts, you are only 18! You have so much to experience!

[jessiej]

thank you so much! Honestly, your words really help!

I have tried contacting my old friends, I had three best friends before this relationship, we were all like sisters. My very bestfriend moved across the country, and the other two still live relatively close, and I did reach out to all of them and two basically said that if I really needed them that they would be there, but that they don`t really want me in their lives anymore because too much has happened, and it hurts. I feel so dumb for letting a boy come between my good friends, and they don`t understand the severity of the abuse I was suffering and the depression I got myself into. My one friend says she understands, and we do hangout sometimes but she`s busy all the time with her boyfriend.

 

And I agree, it`s been hard for me to even get out of bed. I graduated from highschool a few months ago, and decided to take the year off to really decide on what I want to go for, so I don`t have school to take my mind off of things, but I do have a babysitting job. I babysit for my mom because she works nights and I have a little sister, so I am babysitting a lot which kind of takes my mind off of things. But it`s hard when I`m not babysitting, because I spent about two months now just being depressed and haven`t gone out at all, and now that I do want to go out, I have no one to go out with so I basically just stay in my room most of the time when I`m not babysitting.

 

I`m just trying to focus on myself and do things that make me happy. Like you said, I try to spend as much time with my family as possible.

 

And again, thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to this, it means a lot having a complete stranger reach out and help me.

[pteromom]

My parents are there for me, except if I opened up to them about what happened, I know my dad would freak out and probably do something stupid like go to his house, and I know my mom would feel so bad for not recognizing the signs that something was going on, and they would blame themselves for not protecting me, even though it's not their fault.

 

Consider opening up to them anyway. You can talk to your mom first and share your concerns about your dad doing something stupid, so she can handle that with him.

 

It sounds like you have good parents, and they will be there for you like nobody else.

 

Let them hold you up and get you some help.

 

You've been through so much. You may need some temporary help with medication while you heal from this, and you definitely need some counseling to help you separate your ex-bf's perspective from reality, so that you don't go forward carrying any of his words about you as part of your identity.

 

You do not have to go through this alone. Please talk to your parents!

 

I am so sorry you went through this. Know that all the things your ex did - the name calling, the physical abuse, the threats, the self-harm - those are all because he is extremely damaged. It has nothing to do with you, and nothing to do with anything you did. You have ZERO blame in this situation.

 

No matter what, do NOT go back to him. He will definitely come sniffing around again, because he put a lot of time and work into beating you down so he can do anything he wants knowing you'll stay anyway. He won't easily give up that kind of power.

 

You need help so that you will have the strength to tell him to f*** off when he does. So please please confide in your parents and let them be strong for you.

[turnera]

Tell your parents. Their reactions are their business, not yours, and they will hurt more if they find out later you didn't come to them. That's what parents want to be there for. Trust me.

[sad_bubble]

it will be hard to move on and rebuild yourself again. But you are not alone. I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years and it's 3 months since I broke up. It is still hard, frequently feel exhausted and sad, but things with time are reducing. try keeping yourself busy, call youthline if you need, or any helpline focused on supporting women who went through abusive relationship, take a holiday, search for and find yourself.

 

When you fall in love with an abuser, it is hard to realise that what he is doing is actually wrong. e.g. if you are sad, it is perfectly normal to expect someone to hug you and listen to you, people are weak sometimes and need support. but instead of that the abuser would shout push you and say abusive words just to make any struggle worser. you have to find strength to walk away from that. otherwise, he will keep doing this.