Recently seperated and depressed

[Yikes]

Hey Debilou,

 

You'll be fine. The emotional stuff that you go through whilst trying to some to decide "is it or isn't it over" is awful. I think when you finally come to a decision that is best for YOU, you will find some inner peace. I know that in my case, when I decided enough was enough, it was like I just flipped a switch. I instantly had a ton of "relationship pressure" lifted right off of my shoulders, and it felt GREAT. Of course it was quickly replaced by the pressures of hurting the kids, dividing up our belongings, selling the house, sitting quietly while I was financially raped... but I got through it and am alive to tell the tale.

 

Keep up with the therapy. You sound a little stronger with each post. Don't sell yourself short.

 

Y

[debilou]

Hello everyone!

 

By Saturday I had decided that my STBXH must have realized he wanted the OW instead of me. I was ready to move on. I went out with a girlfriend Saturday night. Had more fun than I ever thought possible!!!

 

The STBXH hadn't made contact with me since Tues or Wed. After such a wonderful time out Sat I decided I needed to give him the opportunity to make his choice clear to me and himself.

 

Called him Mon a.m. He came over, we talked.

 

I expected, really expected to hear the words, "yes, I want a divorce". But I didn't hear it. I believe he is DEPRESSED!!! He wants to go to counseling today. He has so many issues. Yes there is the OW thing. I gave him the copy of the "When just friends isn't ok" to read. He did. No comment from him on it. He wants me to believe they're really just friends. I'm not sure what they are. But I know HE is the man I married 18 years ago. I haven't given up yet.

 

I feel much better about everything. I love him. I care about him. I love me and care about me too. I'm ready to be divorced if that's what he NEEDS. I will move on to a happy relationship someday.

 

I know that he says he doesn't want a divorce and that he just wants to be "happy". But, I don't trust him with my heart right now. He's done too much damage to it.

 

I have grown tremendously since this started in August. I wish he had been working as hard on himself as I have me! I want to be in an equally happy and giving relationship. I hope he can be the person to love me. But if he's not that person then I can go on without him.

 

He's been out of our home for 4, almost 5 months! I really believe that he should have an idea by NOW what he wants for his life. I want to be a supportive spouse. I want to be happy. We'll see where this leads.........

 

Debilou

[debilou]

Whew! What a mind warp of a MC session. I know everyone has said to get rid of the MC but I can't just yet.

 

It's all about me again, how I control conversations, manipulate, set traps, blah, blah, blah!

 

Nothing about the OW. If I remember correctly, the counselor said the OW is a symptom of the dysfunctional relationship???

 

I'm lost. I got so angry during the session. And it shows! I can only say that I'm ok either way, divorced or not. But not really because I'm ready for a commitment.

 

The counselor says that I have to validate my H complaints about our past relationship. For everything that he has ever disliked in 18, no 22 years. When does the Debi Bashing end??

 

Comments anyone??

 

Debilou

[Yikes]

Originally posted by debilou

If I remember correctly, the counselor said the OW is a symptom of the dysfunctional relationship???

Debilou

 

Actually, I would kind of agree with that statement. BUT it still does not excuse the cheating. Think about it, if everything is happy and hunky-dory within the confinds of your marriage, chances are good that neither person is going to cheat. I doubt that was meant as a slam against you. Don't be quite so quick to beat yourself up.

 

Y

[debilou]

He's losing my attention. It has been almost 5 months since he left.

 

He seems to be on such a power trip. He said in counseling that he can say what he wants to and leave. No consequences. Ofcourse I react with my normal defensivness.

 

When he's around me he seems to distance himself. When we left counseling we didn't speak to each other. I feel like I'm on probation for a crime of being myself.

 

Is he trying to decide between me and her???

 

This weekend will be the first time he's had the kids. Is he trying to find independence? Who knows? He bought the kids a 4 wheeler so "they would want to come to his house". When I told my oldest son that he said "yea, and next he'll say that's the only reason we want to go over there'!

 

We have no physical relationship. He says he doesn't want to give me false hope. But I'm lonely, physically and emotionally. I've made it clear on many occasions that "I have needs too!".

 

This leads me to my next question: Can I date??? I think that's a NO, but I think I'm ready for some positive interaction with a man. The only thing my H tells me is how awful I've been for 22 years. And he NEVER touches me. No exaggeration.

 

I'm losing the desire to save this bad marriage. Maybe if he were a little positive once in a while I could hold on. Seriously, if he said he was ready for a D I'd jump at the chance. The sadness of losing him is over. He seems so agitated with me. And remember he works with his Friend. Whatever!

 

Debilou

[Yikes]

Some people think that you should not date until your divorced, some say go for it. My feeling is that if you feel in your heart that the marriage is dead and irrepairable, (and it sounds like yours is) then go ahead and date. As far as I'm concerned, it's how you feel in your heart that determines if you have a true marriage NOT what some piece of paper says.

 

I think that it is important to be "in the right place" emotionally before dating though. It is always good to do some honest soul searching. I know that there are things that I could have done differently in my marriage and I don't want to bring any bad habits or baggage into a new relationship. My ex is largely to blame for where we are now, but I have to be accountable for some of our struggles. I certainly wasn't perfect.

 

I guess what I am saying is this, try to use this bad experience to your advantage and take some life lessons from it. In order to do this you really need to take a little time to do a post-mortem of your marriage. Figure out where your faults are (we all have 'em), I bet if you really thought about it, your ex may have a few valid complaints. Figure out what you would have done differently. Once you've done that, put the new and improved "Debilou 2.0" on the market and have fun.

 

Good Luck.

Y

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

 

I'm losing the desire to save this bad marriage. Maybe if he were a little positive once in a while I could hold on. Seriously, if he said he was ready for a D I'd jump at the chance. The sadness of losing him is over.

 

You know, you can file for divorce and end all this anytime you want. He doesn't get to make unilateral decisions on when and if the marriage continues. If that's the very best he can do, and he can't even give you the respect of civil contact....

 

I think it's possible that he just wants you to "be the bad guy". And hey, if I was getting pushed to the degree that you are....I'd probably oblige him.

 

p.s. I agree with Yikes almost entirely. The only exception being that I think separations should be legalized before dating. I'm old school, I guess.

[debilou]

I sometimes try too hard to figure out his underlying motives. I've considered he would like for me to be the bad guy, he'll treat me so bad that I file, then he's off the hook.

 

I don't want to file, I want to have a happy marriage. It takes 2 people to want the same thing. Right now he's enjoying having all the power. I guess I should let it run it's course.

 

I'm not very patient.

 

The main reason I don't want to be the quitter is because I'm afraid of doing just what you said Yikes, bringing all MY bad stuff with me into my next relationship. I feel as though my H has given up on US. I believe he wants me to feel as bad about US as he does.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

I can't imagine going to MC again with him unless I bring a roll of duct tape. Do you know how hard it is to hear crap about things that happened 22 years ago? Can anyone say "move on"? Apparently the MC can't. He says I need to validate his complaints ......

 

I understand validation, I also understand this has been going on for SO long. It's Debi bashing season in my part of town.

 

Ok, so I'm mature again. Let's see, I need to validate my H bad feelings about situations, friends, etc for the past 22 years. Does anyone know how long it takes for people to recover and feel validated for 22 years of unhappiness? Just wondering. I don't see much hope for him. He blames everyone around him for the way he feels. That's how I see it anyway.

 

I'm taking my son to occupational therapy today. I'll go by the library and pick up MORE books on helping me get better. It's amazing how I'm the one with the problems, but yet I'm holding it all together. Those sentences were filled with agendas, traps, and manipulation. It just comes so easily to me.

 

I guess I need a group hug. Thanks everybody!

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

 

I can't imagine going to MC again with him unless I bring a roll of duct tape. Do you know how hard it is to hear crap about things that happened 22 years ago? Can anyone say "move on"? Apparently the MC can't. He says I need to validate his complaints ......

 

I understand validation, I also understand this has been going on for SO long. It's Debi bashing season in my part of town.

 

Why not get a new therapist? You're not going to accomplish anything in MC anyway if you feel like the counselor has taken sides. And I think it's obvious that you do. It's a waste of your money and your time under these conditions.

 

I don't see why your husband would need validation from you anyway, when apparently he's getting plenty of it from the counselor!

 

This is YOUR marriage too Debi, not just his. If you don't like this counselor, pick another one. If the next one tells you the same thing, then you'll know there was a point in there somewhere. Consider it as a second opinion.

 

What's the worst that could happen? You husband leaves you? Hey, wait a minute....he ALREADY left! So, what do you have to lose by doing at least one little thing that suits you for a change?

 

Personally, if I went to MC and they brought up events from 2 DECADES AGO, I'd not be spending too much time agonizing it.

[debilou]

I think maybe the reason I won't jump to another MC is because I believe it is all me. I'm too much for the man I married.

 

He just left. We had a nice conversation. He agreed that I get ripped apart in counseling. I told him "you've got Tony (MC) convinced that the OW is just not a big deal, don't you?" He shook his head yes. He's extremely NON verbal. I was a little teary and I said "I'm tired of you blaming me for what you don't like about yourself".

 

I was happy with myself. I want this marriage or divorce to do what it has to do. I KNOW it's NOT all me. I know he is 50% to blame for the death of our relationship. He just seems so satisfied watching me get torn down by the MC. But really, I do have to work on myself. I'm too defensive, abrupt, head strong, etc. And I have changed a lot since this whole thing started.

 

This will be the first weekend my H is taking our boys for the weekend. My youngest isn't too excited but he'll do fine. I'm looking forward to taking care of just ME for the next 2 days!

 

Debilou

[Mz. Pixie]

It's wonderful to have a few minutes to yourself from time to time.

 

Take some long baths, sleep late, take care of you!

 

Your counselor is full of crap- the OW is no big deal- WTF ever.

[Yikes]

My ex and I initially went to counselling with the minister that married us. Man, she had him wrapped around her little finger. She too had him convinced that the OM and her were "just friends".

 

Get this... he asks me how I am feeling and I said that I feel betrayed by both my wife and my best friend. He replies "betrayed" isn't the right word! WTF?? Excuse me, but it IS the right word... and who in the heck are YOU to tell me how I feel!! If you know how I feel, then why did you bother to ask? Unbelievable!! That is just one of several examples. He actually was a very nice man, just a rotten marriage counsellor.

 

I should have brought the proof to the session that they were far more than friends but there was no point, it was clear that he should NOT be counselling us. Plus my ex's family is very involved in the church, and I really did not want our dirty laundry making the rounds and embarrassing them.

 

Finally we did go to a "proper marriage counsellor". This woman wouldn't let my ex manipulate the sessions. Needless to say we didn't last long with her. My ex said that she did not like her "way". Translation: The nerve of her expecting my ex to take accountability for her actions!! Not only that, this counsellor just used COMMON SENSE!!! WTF? Do you want one that doesn't use common sense? If common sense was used we wouldn't even be in this mess! My ex avoids or attacks anyone that calls her on her sh*t.

 

There are some people out there that have NO business counselling!

Y

[debilou]

Well the other shoe dropped! My h quit his job on Thursday. He didn't tell me until Sunday. We talked Sunday and today.

 

I explained my position. "You've been gone 5 months, you should know by now if you want to be married to me or not".

 

He thinks he does. Should I jump up and down or wait for the next bullet? Honestly, I'm completely ok with whatever happens next.

 

He asked for his job back today and they're supposed to call him and let him know. Quitting his job doesn't surprise me at all.

 

Mid life crisis??? Drug addiction??? Who knows???

 

Anyway I'll be fine. In fact I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for him to move home now. WE have a lot of work to do on our relationship. I'm really ok. He's not. He's a mess. I am ready for something stable in my life and I don't know if he's it.

 

I have to prepare for life without him. He's been gone for so long that I'm ok without him. I love him but he's high maintenance lately.

 

Updates to follow........

 

Debilou

[Yikes]

Personally Debilou, he sounds like a total mess at this point. I think that it's okay to give him emotional support, but he needs to get his crap together before he comes home. You've worked so hard at keeping it together, do you really want him turning your life upside down?

 

Does he only want to come home because he REALLY loves you and wants things to work or is it simply because he's made such a mess of things and needs a safe place to go?

 

My money's on the latter.

 

Y

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh yeah, he wants to come home because he may not have a job and he has bills to pay...............

 

He should be on his hands and knees begging you to come back- IMO.

 

I'm not saying this lightly, because I had an A. My marriage was dead at that point anyway, but I can tell you- if I would have wanted to stay I would have done whatever it took to get my spouse to forgive me.

 

You deserve so much better than this.

[debilou]

Hello everyone! Thanks for the input.

 

Oh don't think he asked to come home. He's still on this weird power play. I pretty much gave him an ultimatum. I told him he's been gone 5 months and he should know by now if wants to be married to me.

 

I feel great either way. The heartbreak is over. I'm sure it will return if we divorce but I'm ready to live a happy healthy life. I KNOW he's a mess. I also know I can't fix him. I can't say I'm interested in trying to help him get healthy.

 

I look forward to counseling Thursday. I feel so good about myself. I hope for the best and am prepared for the worst!

 

Debilou

[debilou]

I live in Crazyworld! I wish I could call the psychic hotline so they could give a peek at the future.

 

Sometimes I think my H doesn't really want a divorce. Other times I think I'm being played for a fool. What do you think?????

 

Does anyone know what a "legal separation" would accomplish?

 

I guess they don't want him back at his job. They didn't call yesterday.

 

I'm getting depressed again. I find it hard to accept that I've been separated for 5 months and see no real hope of a happy marriage. For me life is black and white. No in between.

 

I want to be in a mutually giving relationship. I don't think that's possible with the man I married. Too many issues. I guess I shouldn't be in such a hurry to have things over. I just want some stability, love, respect, joy, comfort, trust and plans for the future. Is that asking too much???

 

Debilou

[Yikes]

Hang in there it will get better.

 

In Canada, generally all of the hard stuff is worked out in the legal separation. Dividing up assets and debt, custody etc. When I file for divorce it is pretty much nothing more than filing paperwork. I look at it (for me anyway) being legally separated is like being divorced it's just not official yet . It was over for me in my heart the day I pulled the plug. I become officially and legally divorced when the layer and the government share a $1,100.00 fee to file some paperwork. Nice huh?

 

Try to enjoy being on your own. Focus on good stuff, worry about what is in your control and forget about the rest. I have been on my own now for nearly two years and am now finally beginning to date a bit.

 

Chin-up girl.

 

Y

[debilou]

I think I figured out what is wrong with me. Serious Jerry SpringerISH episode with my sister on Thursday. Bottom line, she and my mother CAN"T understand why I haven't divorced my H. I guess someone should explain to them that I get to decide if I want to divorce him.

 

So now my parents are mad, pissed off, hurt, full of fear about me and my choices. They live behind me. Since my H left they've been helping with the kids. I work 4am to 9am. My parents get the kids up and to school. They did until Thursday.

 

So you would think my H would jump to my rescue to help physically support his children but NO. It's like pulling teeth.

 

I checked with my job on Friday to see about changing my shift to 6pm to 11pm. My oldest, almost 15 will have to take care of his younger brother and himself while I'm at work. I have to wait until a bid sheet comes up to get the hours changed.

 

My parents didn't say they wouldn't continue to help me but I don't want help from someone who doesn't respect my choices and ability to make decisions. It seems that my parents, sister included, are having a tug of war with my H. It's amazing how things have turned out.

 

I should have mentioned this earlier. My H father died 3 years ago. WE inherited some property, rental property, etc. Because probate ISN"T over, if we divorce I get nothing of his inheritance. I'm really ok with that. I didn't marry him for anything other than love.

 

After we moved to our current home, my mother called me to ask if they could move behind us and help us "with the boys". I couldn't tell her no. I didn't answer her until I had discussed it with my H. Point being, I didn't invite them to live on my H property. They don't pay rent, property taxes, zilch. They didn't offer and we didn't think of charging them. Wouldn't you think they would be a little more patient since they have a lot to lose if we divorce???

 

Anyway, my H still treats me like I have the plague. I would love for my marriage to work. I'm getting short on patience. I want to be loved, touched, appreciated, everything you're supposed to get from a partner. He doesn't seem interested.

 

We went to counseling Thursday. It went ok. I don't know what my future holds. I know I'll be fine either way, I guess I'm just ready to know my fate.

 

I know Ladyjane, I have to decide what I want. It just doesn't feel like I have any choices. Maybe it will become more clear with time.

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

 

I know Ladyjane, I have to decide what I want. It just doesn't feel like I have any choices. Maybe it will become more clear with time.

 

Oh, you have plenty of time on deciding to divorce. That's not time-essential, because it'll happen anyway eventually unless you take action to stop it.

 

It's saving the marriage where you might run out of time. As I told you before, you have to behave in ways that initially go against the grain. It requires emotional risk, and putting your giver in charge when there may well be NO reciprocation ever. You have to roll the dice....knowing that you might crap out.

 

It's kind of like being in a burning building. Non-action can in itself be an action. If your house is on fire you might opt to: Extinguish the fire (plan A), -or- Evacuate the structure (plan B), but if you choose C) Do Nothing....you're non-action has lead to an action which is dire in it's consequences.

 

On the subject of the family. This is your marriage, not theirs. Simple as that. If they keep riding you about it, let them know that. The last place they want to be is in the position where they have pushed you to do something that you weren't ready for.

 

And you know, when you are ready....there won't be this much confusion on the matter. Ending a marriage is kind of like beginning one. You just know when you know.

 

Hang in Sweetie.

[debilou]

Thansk LJ! You have to be wise beyond your years.

 

I've mentioned before that I have anxiety. I guess it's that anxiety that pushes me to want things to be one way or another.

 

I am doing plan A. I try to be as appealing as possible. I don't bring up anything that will cause unpleasantness. I have to admit I'm getting really short of patience with the whole thing.

 

LJ, do you think I should allow my H to make all the decisions about our situation? For instance, he is available to help with our kids in the mornings. Should I give him choices of how to handle things? Is he looking for power? One choice would be: He can come over on school mornings to get the kids up or he could spend the night here. Or he could have the kids stay at his house. I don't know what he wants from me.

 

And yes, I have asked him. Not lately.

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

LJ, do you think I should allow my H to make all the decisions about our situation? For instance, he is available to help with our kids in the mornings. Should I give him choices of how to handle things? Is he looking for power? One choice would be: He can come over on school mornings to get the kids up or he could spend the night here. Or he could have the kids stay at his house. I don't know what he wants from me.

 

And yes, I have asked him. Not lately.

 

You can't do a very effective Plan A without contact. If he wants to spend time with the children, it would be a good tool to drawing him back into the family dynamic. Currently, he's an outsider. Normalization of relations with the children will allow him to feel more integral in the family unit. I would not, however, force the issue at this time.

 

As far as making ALL the decisions. No, I don't think so. Cooperative decisions should still be the goal. This normalizes his relationship with YOU. The ability to reach agreement on various issues proves in each successful instance that partnership is still possible.

[debilou]

What is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy or fulfilled with an unemotional relationship with my H???

 

Why can't I just let him be himself without trying to be a part of his life? I feel nuts. I'm so eager to have a loving, physical, emotional relationship. It doesn't seem to be the same for him.

 

We have counseling today. I called him to find out if he should go alone or both of us. His reply: "I don't know". He seems empty. He offers NO conversation to me. Why have I held on for so long to nothing???

 

Yesterday was 5 months that he's been gone. I want to understand him and what he feels. I'm not psychic. He doesn't seem to meet me half way. Why do I try so hard???

 

What am I trying for??? I'm so depressed today. I need to something to look forward to. I need someone to share my life with.

 

Debilou

[debilou]

So now I'm trying to make a list of reasons NOT to file for divorce. Because my H quit his job without having another one lined up, he's depressed, angry or whatever about that.

 

He's been gone 5 months. Ok so I'm strong, but I want someone in my life to hug me, touch me, love me. He isn't that person and hasn't been in such a long time.

 

We had MC today. I am an emotional wreck because I have no one to support me emotionally. We are about to be in financial ruin. That's probably the biggest reason I'm so on edge. So in counseling I look like the freak with all the problems. My H is afraid of emotion and I had my typical emotional outburst. Which consists of my being angry that nothing has changed in our NON relationship.

 

I honestly don't see a happy ending here. I can't keep up the struggle to hold a marriage together alone. I'm really having a BAD day. I feel so hopeless.

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

So now I'm trying to make a list of reasons NOT to file for divorce.

 

You've said that you love him. But why? I can't recall many things that you've said are wonderful about him.

 

So instead of a list of "reasons not to file for divorce", how about a list of reasons why you still love him? What's specifically great about him that sets him apart from other men?

 

Maybe that would help you to clarify things.